Post by janesmith on Feb 6, 2020 14:33:55 GMT
Hello all,
This will be a long story ...I only just have recently discovered about the attachment theory and my ex is a text book dismissive avoidant.
I was with my ex bf for 1,5 years (both in our 30s).. I was mostly secure - i had some anxiety but never about relationships, my ex bfs have all been secure.. When we first met I he came on very strong, wanting to see me alot/texting/planning dates/very affectionate- i was actually the afraid one. After a few months he whispered he loved me and i couldn't say it back quite yet- i was afraid- i eventually did a couple of months later and meant it..
Our relationship equaled - i began to let my guard down and for the first 7 months or so it was one of my best relationships i have had.. We would spend maybe 3-4 nights together per week- and it was lovely. I never doubted us. Around the 7th month mark i noticed him changing.. after the "honeymoon phase" ... He began pulling away.. We had a small fight.. and after he said "i cant do this anymore" rather than speaking about it.. I was shocked..so were my friends as we just looked so happy.. That night i left his flat and messaged him alot.. then i stayed away- he messaged me but i still stayed away... 2 weeks later i couldn't stay away any longer and was going to go to the exchange of things where he said he missed me "you're my favorite girl in the world and im here whenever you need it" he was very vunerable.. needless to say i stayed... and never left... The relationship felt scary and new again..but we were both happy again..
but at the same time during the 2 week break i thought alot about somethings/....such as he was never able to really say "i love you" after the first time- i asked then he said "i don't really say it to anyone except my gma" I also noticed he had said he always can tell his past relationships were ending around the 7th month mark.. also he said when his grandpa died (was like his dad) he didn't cry- he didn't remember ever crying.. He was also raised but a single mom who sometimes was too much for him , abandoned by dad (typical dismissive avoidant upbringing) oh yeah..also for my bday he was gone and texted me- but never called me... said he was too busy at work that day.... too busy to call me for 1 minute to say "happy birthday", i messaged him a short message i was sad about him not calling then he called the next day apologizing-he also always said at the end of our relationship "I am so bad at relationships" "i dont think i have ever been in love- i dont know if i can" but at the same time i could feel it sometimes.. He would make excuses saying "im selfish, im the only child" I began to think he wasn't so perfect but accepted it as we all have problems-right?
Then about 3 weeks later he got called away to work in the USA (we are in europe) for nearly 2 months.. we kept in contact as much as we could and it was ok... he returned and things were normal..then he had to leave again in one month... all in between this time my lease was ending and I knew I also had to start traveling-He said "stay at mine" it was supposed to be one month but ended up 4 months as work changed for me.. but with our busy travels we only were both physically living together 1,5-2 months and those months were nice. (we also knew it was temporary- when i came back to the city id get my own place- as we both like living separately). I think that this also started the deactivation from him
So to break down travel schedules may-july he was in america... we both left for a couple of weeks in august- he left again in september-came back very end of october.. I was due to leave for 2 months at the end of November. I would come back for.a month then leave again...I wont be back full time until end of 2020. Crazy schedules right?? the first year together we were based in the same city
Well anyways the night he got back in October and was very cold.. (typical dismissive avoidant quality - when they are gone-they dont miss you) he brought up "lets break up - i am happy in this relationship but we both have a big year coming up and wont be here- how about we break up now and keep in contact and when we are both in the same city we see eachother and leave it open for discussion when we are both back full time" I was very sad but agreed...because it made sense
I had one more month in the tiny flat- and it became hell for me... we would behave like a couple- and when i asked him if he still wanted to break up he said yes "I need space" we began to fight alot the last month.... I was questioning alot, crying..I became the anxious preoccupied.. I head the word "space" maybe 1,000 times that month
Our final week was so nice- we behaved like us..we even saw a friend randomly on the street and she later texted me she couldn't believe we were ending things as we looked like a couple holding hands..
Anyways, i leave for my 7 week work trip and expect to communicate (but not everyday) with him...NOTHING... i reached out a couple of times but he was short.. no phonecall nothing.. The only time he did text me was for xmas and it was only saying "merry christmas Jane- hope you're enjoying your family"... so impersonal.. i mirrored him.. I broke down and called him 2 days later- he was shocked and happy- we spoke about an hour and he said he missed me and his mom asked about me.. it gave me hope... after that i had sent him some photos of my holidays and said i was happy we spoke because i had been thinking about him... He said he had been thinking of me too but was too busy to comment on the photos... on New years day i was so sad, i called him...I started crying and said i missed him " he replied "jane how long has it been since we ended things?" basically meaning i should be over it... like him (also a dismissive avoidant trait- quickly getting over things) i asked him why he hadn't texted me and he said "so i could move on" i just mainly cried alot and we ended the call.
Then a couple of weeks later i had something happen with a family member which he knew was coming up- it went bad and i called him as a "friend" as he said he would always be there for me as a friend.. he didn't answer and said he would try to call later- that call never came- it broke my heart... even a friend would have called to check on me..
I came back home 2 weeks ago .. no calls nothing- i messaged him last week in order to meet to get the rest of my things .. he was very cold saying "i may go hiking this weekend but ill let you know"..... 2 months without seeing me and no interest.. I also said I felt very hurt he didnt reach out to me when i had a family trauma- he was mean and said "you should have called me again, i told you i have no time for a relationship etc".. I had not even mentioned a relationship..that weekend he also messaged me some- one message was asking for a friends number who is in real estate to ask questions.. I responded but ignored the question of the favor for my friend.. He had just been nasty to me 2 days prior about not being able to call me due to a family trauma, why should i help him??
so the day came we finally met- last sunday...he came to my new temporary place (i leave again in march-end of april) dropped my things on the floor- and looked at me like a stranger..didn't even hug me..i had to open my arms and say "hug?"..... 2 months ... he had asked me for a coffee a few days prior- i asked if he still wanted to go for one "i dont feel well- maybe next time" he was here for maybe 4 minutes.. all that anxiety about seeing him the past 2 months..over in 4 minutes.. I cried when he left...I didnt understand how he could be so icy towards me.. Like the last 1,5 year didnt happen.. he wasn't even excited to see me
I messaged him alot (again he made me anxious preoccupied) he said he wants to hang out as friends
like "what has changed, i thought we were going to be open to a future together"
"i'm confused me- as what we spoke about before- and told friends and you told you mom we were taking space from eachother and working on ourselves and we never know about the future..... do you still feel this way"
"I mean is this why you want to be my friend? To stay broken up but still be in each others lives with no pressure and if something happens something happens ? Or do you just want to be my friend to be a friend"
He answered "friends to be friends, i just need to be alone for awhile"
We are supposed to meet again to drop off somethings of mine he left behind.. I feel like all the communication we have had for 2,5 months is texting which i hate.. I dont want to bring up us but i want to ask him face to face... also since i have recently discovered the attachement theory i wanted to share with him i think he is a DA .. i always said maybe he had commitment issues and he was always open to listening.. he would never get angry- i also read the DA feel like they don't deserve love- (he has actually said he feels like he doesn't deserve things such as his job etc..) maybe i can say I accept our relationship is over but i care for you and am so proud of you for your accomplishments (use words of encouragement)
I miss us... the us when he wasn't pulling away.. I still have some hope - i'm stupid maybe.- maybe when i disappear he will miss me and come back and educate himself about his problems.. i knew he felt something for me
He wants to be friends and hang out.. i don't know if its a good deal for me... or maybe i do this to show him i am not going anywhere?
how do i handle a DA- i have never had one- is there any way to get him back? should i bring up the attachment theory, give him words of encouragement and after give him space and see what happens? He was always listened and was open when i brought up that i thought he had commitment issues in the past- i just didn't know of the attachment style yet..
Oh yeah- he also doesn't have many friends- and has latched on to one of my best friends here (a guy) now they are close... i wish they weren't so id be less likely to see him
We agreed the next meeting would be a longer one than 4 minutes so we will have time to talk..
I have heard of dismissive avoidants stonewalling- could he be doing this because I am back for just a month before leaving again... and maybe he is afraid i wont come back? Is this why he wants to be"friends".. to keep me at an arms length.. Do DA's want to remain friends with their ex's??
sprry for the long post...
This will be a long story ...I only just have recently discovered about the attachment theory and my ex is a text book dismissive avoidant.
I was with my ex bf for 1,5 years (both in our 30s).. I was mostly secure - i had some anxiety but never about relationships, my ex bfs have all been secure.. When we first met I he came on very strong, wanting to see me alot/texting/planning dates/very affectionate- i was actually the afraid one. After a few months he whispered he loved me and i couldn't say it back quite yet- i was afraid- i eventually did a couple of months later and meant it..
Our relationship equaled - i began to let my guard down and for the first 7 months or so it was one of my best relationships i have had.. We would spend maybe 3-4 nights together per week- and it was lovely. I never doubted us. Around the 7th month mark i noticed him changing.. after the "honeymoon phase" ... He began pulling away.. We had a small fight.. and after he said "i cant do this anymore" rather than speaking about it.. I was shocked..so were my friends as we just looked so happy.. That night i left his flat and messaged him alot.. then i stayed away- he messaged me but i still stayed away... 2 weeks later i couldn't stay away any longer and was going to go to the exchange of things where he said he missed me "you're my favorite girl in the world and im here whenever you need it" he was very vunerable.. needless to say i stayed... and never left... The relationship felt scary and new again..but we were both happy again..
but at the same time during the 2 week break i thought alot about somethings/....such as he was never able to really say "i love you" after the first time- i asked then he said "i don't really say it to anyone except my gma" I also noticed he had said he always can tell his past relationships were ending around the 7th month mark.. also he said when his grandpa died (was like his dad) he didn't cry- he didn't remember ever crying.. He was also raised but a single mom who sometimes was too much for him , abandoned by dad (typical dismissive avoidant upbringing) oh yeah..also for my bday he was gone and texted me- but never called me... said he was too busy at work that day.... too busy to call me for 1 minute to say "happy birthday", i messaged him a short message i was sad about him not calling then he called the next day apologizing-he also always said at the end of our relationship "I am so bad at relationships" "i dont think i have ever been in love- i dont know if i can" but at the same time i could feel it sometimes.. He would make excuses saying "im selfish, im the only child" I began to think he wasn't so perfect but accepted it as we all have problems-right?
Then about 3 weeks later he got called away to work in the USA (we are in europe) for nearly 2 months.. we kept in contact as much as we could and it was ok... he returned and things were normal..then he had to leave again in one month... all in between this time my lease was ending and I knew I also had to start traveling-He said "stay at mine" it was supposed to be one month but ended up 4 months as work changed for me.. but with our busy travels we only were both physically living together 1,5-2 months and those months were nice. (we also knew it was temporary- when i came back to the city id get my own place- as we both like living separately). I think that this also started the deactivation from him
So to break down travel schedules may-july he was in america... we both left for a couple of weeks in august- he left again in september-came back very end of october.. I was due to leave for 2 months at the end of November. I would come back for.a month then leave again...I wont be back full time until end of 2020. Crazy schedules right?? the first year together we were based in the same city
Well anyways the night he got back in October and was very cold.. (typical dismissive avoidant quality - when they are gone-they dont miss you) he brought up "lets break up - i am happy in this relationship but we both have a big year coming up and wont be here- how about we break up now and keep in contact and when we are both in the same city we see eachother and leave it open for discussion when we are both back full time" I was very sad but agreed...because it made sense
I had one more month in the tiny flat- and it became hell for me... we would behave like a couple- and when i asked him if he still wanted to break up he said yes "I need space" we began to fight alot the last month.... I was questioning alot, crying..I became the anxious preoccupied.. I head the word "space" maybe 1,000 times that month
Our final week was so nice- we behaved like us..we even saw a friend randomly on the street and she later texted me she couldn't believe we were ending things as we looked like a couple holding hands..
Anyways, i leave for my 7 week work trip and expect to communicate (but not everyday) with him...NOTHING... i reached out a couple of times but he was short.. no phonecall nothing.. The only time he did text me was for xmas and it was only saying "merry christmas Jane- hope you're enjoying your family"... so impersonal.. i mirrored him.. I broke down and called him 2 days later- he was shocked and happy- we spoke about an hour and he said he missed me and his mom asked about me.. it gave me hope... after that i had sent him some photos of my holidays and said i was happy we spoke because i had been thinking about him... He said he had been thinking of me too but was too busy to comment on the photos... on New years day i was so sad, i called him...I started crying and said i missed him " he replied "jane how long has it been since we ended things?" basically meaning i should be over it... like him (also a dismissive avoidant trait- quickly getting over things) i asked him why he hadn't texted me and he said "so i could move on" i just mainly cried alot and we ended the call.
Then a couple of weeks later i had something happen with a family member which he knew was coming up- it went bad and i called him as a "friend" as he said he would always be there for me as a friend.. he didn't answer and said he would try to call later- that call never came- it broke my heart... even a friend would have called to check on me..
I came back home 2 weeks ago .. no calls nothing- i messaged him last week in order to meet to get the rest of my things .. he was very cold saying "i may go hiking this weekend but ill let you know"..... 2 months without seeing me and no interest.. I also said I felt very hurt he didnt reach out to me when i had a family trauma- he was mean and said "you should have called me again, i told you i have no time for a relationship etc".. I had not even mentioned a relationship..that weekend he also messaged me some- one message was asking for a friends number who is in real estate to ask questions.. I responded but ignored the question of the favor for my friend.. He had just been nasty to me 2 days prior about not being able to call me due to a family trauma, why should i help him??
so the day came we finally met- last sunday...he came to my new temporary place (i leave again in march-end of april) dropped my things on the floor- and looked at me like a stranger..didn't even hug me..i had to open my arms and say "hug?"..... 2 months ... he had asked me for a coffee a few days prior- i asked if he still wanted to go for one "i dont feel well- maybe next time" he was here for maybe 4 minutes.. all that anxiety about seeing him the past 2 months..over in 4 minutes.. I cried when he left...I didnt understand how he could be so icy towards me.. Like the last 1,5 year didnt happen.. he wasn't even excited to see me
I messaged him alot (again he made me anxious preoccupied) he said he wants to hang out as friends
like "what has changed, i thought we were going to be open to a future together"
"i'm confused me- as what we spoke about before- and told friends and you told you mom we were taking space from eachother and working on ourselves and we never know about the future..... do you still feel this way"
"I mean is this why you want to be my friend? To stay broken up but still be in each others lives with no pressure and if something happens something happens ? Or do you just want to be my friend to be a friend"
He answered "friends to be friends, i just need to be alone for awhile"
We are supposed to meet again to drop off somethings of mine he left behind.. I feel like all the communication we have had for 2,5 months is texting which i hate.. I dont want to bring up us but i want to ask him face to face... also since i have recently discovered the attachement theory i wanted to share with him i think he is a DA .. i always said maybe he had commitment issues and he was always open to listening.. he would never get angry- i also read the DA feel like they don't deserve love- (he has actually said he feels like he doesn't deserve things such as his job etc..) maybe i can say I accept our relationship is over but i care for you and am so proud of you for your accomplishments (use words of encouragement)
I miss us... the us when he wasn't pulling away.. I still have some hope - i'm stupid maybe.- maybe when i disappear he will miss me and come back and educate himself about his problems.. i knew he felt something for me
He wants to be friends and hang out.. i don't know if its a good deal for me... or maybe i do this to show him i am not going anywhere?
how do i handle a DA- i have never had one- is there any way to get him back? should i bring up the attachment theory, give him words of encouragement and after give him space and see what happens? He was always listened and was open when i brought up that i thought he had commitment issues in the past- i just didn't know of the attachment style yet..
Oh yeah- he also doesn't have many friends- and has latched on to one of my best friends here (a guy) now they are close... i wish they weren't so id be less likely to see him
We agreed the next meeting would be a longer one than 4 minutes so we will have time to talk..
I have heard of dismissive avoidants stonewalling- could he be doing this because I am back for just a month before leaving again... and maybe he is afraid i wont come back? Is this why he wants to be"friends".. to keep me at an arms length.. Do DA's want to remain friends with their ex's??
sprry for the long post...
