Ran into my DA ex

Also...

I think maybe you need to look Into rebuilding tour self esteem. You seem like such a good hearted and genuine person.

Do things that feed your soul. I know it's not easy. I was a wreck for months. But your still you and you still have so much to give someone, starting with yourself
Xoxo

jaleesa, i'm sure it's not all as it seems. judging from your other posts, he sounds highly manipulative and pretty narcissistic, if i'm remembering him right, so i think he was probably intentionally making it seem like he's doing well just to beat you down. this is like catnip to people like him, and it's intended to make you stuck on him again, thus giving him the attention he craves.

i've been reading a lot of things about people like this, and one thing in these articles that has only just recently stuck out to me (after years of reading this) is the idea that it's really lonely to be with people like this, but it's even lonelier BEING these people. anytime you feel like this, try to remember that. i know it's hard. i know it hurts on a deep, deep level. you'll never be able to rationalize or understand people like this because they're not acting off of normal human motivations. they don't empathize as much as the rest of us. maybe it's because they experienced trauma as a kid, or maybe they're just deficient in mirror neurons (that does happen), but the bottom line is that right now, he's not capable of giving you what you need. i really doubt he magically became an empathetic person overnight and is suddenly caring. he has shown you that by how he acted. why do you need to know that his new girlfriend is paying off his debts? healthy people/healthy ex partners of yours wouldn't say that to you. heck, they would probably feel awkward about mentioning any new love interests. they wouldn't say something they knew would hurt you... but such is the life of people with incredibly low self-esteem: they feel better about themselves by making you feel worse about yourself.

that said, try, baby steps, to slowly edge him out of your mind. try not to focus so much on how he mistreated you, because that will keep you paralyzed in your grief and feeling victimized instead of feeling empowered and motivated to create your own life. we APs tend to over-focus on our partners because of our own low self-esteem. it's easier to focus on our crappy, limiting beliefs about how we're not good enough for our partners... we re-affirm this by believing that they'll find someone new and will suddenly be different people. sometimes, yes, anxious and avoidant people just bring out the worst in each other, and they might be much healthier with secures, but an avoidant having an easier time with someone else isn't a reflection on us. this guy being with this girl isn't a reflection on you. you can find someone who's better suited for you and will fit your needs and doesn't activate your insecurity and make you think that you're in love when it's really just the high of insecurity.

as hard as it is to do this, try and distract in moments like this. write lists of the reasons why he wasn't right for you. write lists of the things you want for yourself. remind yourself that you're on the path to building up a much stronger, healthier sense of self that doesn't need the validation of anyone else, but does need the support of people who are caring, loving, and have your best interests at heart. you'll have bad days. you'll have good ones. but you WILL find someone out there who can support you better once you start the journey of supporting yourself more!

best of luck.

Jaleesa- my heart really goes out to you. I know your thoughts are consuming you right now. That's the hardest thing to change and the only thing that matters, our thoughts are what make or break us.
Believe me you dodged a bullet! Thank goodness someone took over and he is now thier problem not yours. He came into your life to show you how much you want to be in a healthy place and have a healthy relationship. You now know what kind of work u have to do on yourself. And catering to someone in hopes that they won't leave u is never ever a good thing and that isn't love. I know because I was also manipulating like that but it came from my insecure needy place. It's just misguided love. I'm glad u are getting therapy. It really can show u how to love yourself first.

And don't think things are perfect w them. I thought that about my ex husband and I cried about it then I found out years later how miserable they really are. I think they r divorced now. Although the FB pics looked like they had the life I wanted or thought I wanted.