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Post by serenity on Feb 8, 2020 2:17:55 GMT
You understand that this has not anything to do with that relationship? That you are simply using this construct to perpetuate your low self esteem. You have pathways in your brain that need this repetitive loop to continue. You need to rewire these pathways. I do....I just had to get the thoughts out of my head so I could get back to the adult perspective. I am better now...back to a more rational perspective...but man...that was some awful triggering. Truth is, I really know nothing about B and this girl, other than the fact that he is still listed as being in a relationship. I think part of what I fight against is this perspective that without work, he will be doomed to repeat his pattern....based on what I am seeing....that does not appear to be happening....so my brain goes into self shame mode instead of being ok with him moving on. It is like, I want his relationship to fail because then it would mean that there was more then him just not being into me. Hugs trn9, I know its easy to say and much harder to internalise this, but this `self blame' thing starts as a young dependent child who needs to make sense of a parent's inconsistency or scariness. It becomes your illusion of control, protecting you from your fear of death. The illusion is that your parent is perfect, and it is you, the child-you, who is to blame for their behaviour. With this mindset, you can go onto feel in control because you can modify your own behaviour. It also makes you feel safe, internalizing your parent as being `perfect'. The truth is their inconsistency was never your fault, and never something you could change. Just as is it the truth now, when you consider B's attachment issues. And you, my friend, were always worthy and wonderful just the way you are, in all your uniqueness and human beauty. Underneath all this wrong mindnesses, that protects child-us from fear of death, is so much raw terror and pain. I've faced it head on , unexpectedly, at times in my own life and frankly I am really confused by the pain of it. It knocks me off my feet, puts me in a black hole of grief I can't explain. I take a long time to recover from the physical agony of it. Having a wound like this is no joke. I don't blame anyone for doing whatever they do to avoid pain like that. I think you should go and boink some dudes to get over B, lol.(yes j/k!) |
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 8, 2020 10:14:50 GMT
tnr9 how are you feeling today. Did you manage to get some sleep. Big hugs xx
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 8, 2020 17:38:36 GMT
tnr9 how are you feeling today. Did you manage to get some sleep. Big hugs xx I did get some sleep....but it just feels like shame upon shame upon shame....I know I will be ok and it is truly good that I am at least trying to get to the other side of this. Today I am relaxing with my cat....I am very thankful for this community because I cannot share these feelings with anyone else....they just tell me it has been long enough and I should just get over him already. |
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Post by amber on Feb 8, 2020 21:09:49 GMT
It’s hard when you’re friends don’t understand... what do you feel is keeping you from moving on? Do you feel you are getting something out of staying stuck on him? The old scripts that run in our mind can really control us, especially if they started in infancy which they likely did.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 9, 2020 19:36:44 GMT
It’s hard when you’re friends don’t understand... what do you feel is keeping you from moving on? Do you feel you are getting something out of staying stuck on him? The old scripts that run in our mind can really control us, especially if they started in infancy which they likely did. So I was thinking about this.....had B been overtly mean or cruel, it would have given me more of an incentive to move on. B was, for the most part, really kind, protective and caring. My therapist says that one of the reasons I hold on is the B was the first guy that ever did not judge me the way my parents did....and that felt so incredible. My place could be messy and he did not care. I can’t even thoroughly express how freeing that was....but I don’t seem to know how to hold onto the “good” but let him go.....it just feels like a huge loss. It doesn’t help that it seemed possible to get what I wanted all the time...if only.....that just feeds into a story that is so very entrenched into my psyche. I know that B isn’t perfect, but every single time my therapist tries to speak realistically about his issues....drinking, checking out, being in the relationship on his terms, issues with conflict, history of failed relationships and short term jobs, ADHD.....I can justify each and every single one of them...and that is where I lose perspective and all of a sudden he becomes “perfect”. At one time,it came to me that the little girl in me viewed B like a cherished stuffed animal. And there is this terror at the thought of letting him go....but there is also this terror at the thought of losing him....so it is in essence a lose lose situation. I do, truly, love and care about him....and I hate that that love and care is so twisted into something that frankly baffles the adult side of me. I don’t know if I truly even answered your question. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 9, 2020 20:29:19 GMT
I want to add a bit of context too...something that just came up.....I hated the way B and my last hang out went. He was already shifting to his new girl and wanted me to move on so he said some pretty hurtful things...and all I could do was cry. I had written him an email afterwards....explaining why I was so emotional, but he did not respond. I felt completely cut off....and I was left with all these left over feelings of guide and Shane and longing and abandonment and I just haven’t really figured out what to do with all of them. I want to feel the safety I once felt with him but now he feels unsafe...so I am conflicted. And as I write this, my throat feels so tight, as if I am being choked. I honestly don’t know what to do.
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Post by amber on Feb 9, 2020 20:37:25 GMT
It’s hard when you’re friends don’t understand... what do you feel is keeping you from moving on? Do you feel you are getting something out of staying stuck on him? The old scripts that run in our mind can really control us, especially if they started in infancy which they likely did. So I was thinking about this.....had B been overtly mean or cruel, it would have given me more of an incentive to move on. B was, for the most part, really kind, protective and caring. My therapist says that one of the reasons I hold on is the B was the first guy that ever did not judge me the way my parents did....and that felt so incredible. My place could be messy and he did not care. I can’t even thoroughly express how freeing that was....but I don’t seem to know how to hold onto the “good” but let him go.....it just feels like a huge loss. It doesn’t help that it seemed possible to get what I wanted all the time...if only.....that just feeds into a story that is so very entrenched into my psyche. I know that B isn’t perfect, but every single time my therapist tries to speak realistically about his issues....drinking, checking out, being in the relationship on his terms, issues with conflict, history of failed relationships and short term jobs, ADHD.....I can justify each and every single one of them...and that is where I lose perspective and all of a sudden he becomes “perfect”. At one time,it came to me that the little girl in me viewed B like a cherished stuffed animal. And there is this terror at the thought of letting him go....but there is also this terror at the thought of losing him....so it is in essence a lose lose situation. I do, truly, love and care about him....and I hate that that love and care is so twisted into something that frankly baffles the adult side of me. I don’t know if I truly even answered your question. I feel you, I had the same with my ex FA, he was the first man to show me the care, love and affection I was looking for. I think though what that really represents is the parent you wish you had but never did, it’s not really about him. Do you feel you will never find this again and that’s why you are hanging on? Because if that belief is in place, it will keep you stuck and prevent you from being open to new people. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 10, 2020 0:34:14 GMT
So I was thinking about this.....had B been overtly mean or cruel, it would have given me more of an incentive to move on. B was, for the most part, really kind, protective and caring. My therapist says that one of the reasons I hold on is the B was the first guy that ever did not judge me the way my parents did....and that felt so incredible. My place could be messy and he did not care. I can’t even thoroughly express how freeing that was....but I don’t seem to know how to hold onto the “good” but let him go.....it just feels like a huge loss. It doesn’t help that it seemed possible to get what I wanted all the time...if only.....that just feeds into a story that is so very entrenched into my psyche. I know that B isn’t perfect, but every single time my therapist tries to speak realistically about his issues....drinking, checking out, being in the relationship on his terms, issues with conflict, history of failed relationships and short term jobs, ADHD.....I can justify each and every single one of them...and that is where I lose perspective and all of a sudden he becomes “perfect”. At one time,it came to me that the little girl in me viewed B like a cherished stuffed animal. And there is this terror at the thought of letting him go....but there is also this terror at the thought of losing him....so it is in essence a lose lose situation. I do, truly, love and care about him....and I hate that that love and care is so twisted into something that frankly baffles the adult side of me. I don’t know if I truly even answered your question. I feel you, I had the same with my ex FA, he was the first man to show me the care, love and affection I was looking for. I think though what that really represents is the parent you wish you had but never did, it’s not really about him. Do you feel you will never find this again and that’s why you are hanging on? Because if that belief is in place, it will keep you stuck and prevent you from being open to new people. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. It is in part that.....but I think in part it is because I don’t want to go through it again....the pain of falling so hard for someone and then not being chosen. 4 of the guys I dated went on to marry the next girl....😕 |
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