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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 1:11:17 GMT
Hello, I'll try to keep this brief as possible, but that's hard. I'm female, 32, and the anxious-preoccupied (although have moved to more secure through therapy for sure). My ex male and is DA, 35. We don't have kids, were never married, although certainly discussed it throughout the years as though it was definitely going to happen. Met my ex in high school, we were friends, didn't date til early 20s (wrote letters to eachother every couple months, kept eachother updated on life stuff. Was his "only female friend.") Started dating long distance in 2009 (he was in army). Both fell in love, 100%. Were together solidly for two years, happy with eachother but with what I now know are DA/AP problems + immaturity. Broke up with him in 2012, but didn't want to permanently - it was both genuine and also a protest behavior (not aware of that at the time, but totally was.) He chased me, didn't work. He pulled away, I started chasing him. Then we'd break up and I'd chase him again. And on and on and on and on ...... This is the cycle after that really was a solid cycle starting 2013/2014: We'd break up. I'd give it a little time, be super upset and obsessive, and then reach out, we'd try again. Basically since 2014 he has broken up with ME every time, and I reach out after 1 month, 2months, 6 months, 1 year....and we'd give it another "go." Each time is unsuccessful because: 1) neither of us were aware of the terminology or category DA/AP, and that is what we behaved like in this relationship 2) Not sure if he was even motivated because a) maybe he just doesn't love me or 2)he never got to "lose" me, I always couldnt stand the distance and started pursuing. 3)when we did decide to go to therapy, it was kind of tragic because the therapist was reallllly bad. (We live in different cities so the one we found was online, but didnt believe in attachment theory. When i brought up my ex was avoidant, my ex agreed, and the therapist interjected, "but why are you criticising {my ex}?", essentially doing the exact opposite of what he should have done which was neutralize my statement or go further with the fact that my ex identified with being avoidant. He was a bad couples therapist. We haven't spoken since that last therapy session when my ex ended things again, bc I'd gotten upset in therapy...or something. You know, any reason. He was listing off reasons that didn't even make sense at the end. And my ex even spoke on the phone to MY personal therapist after that last session, who has, through the years, helped me with this, and my therapist says he's cut off from reality, immature, self-absorbed, and also not uncomfortable enough to make him desire to go through the process of therapy. I am still EXTREMELY attached to my ex. I was saying to my shrink, it's strong like a parent-child attachment. NOT parent-child, but you know, VERY strong. I can't say I like him too much, at least right now, bc he's been so hurtful and rejecting, abandoned me repeatedly. But everytime he has I've done more therapy and gotten more and more secure. We have plenty in common (in theory, that is... similar values, sense of humor, we're both doctors, hobbies, music, friends). My question is this: 1. We only RECENTLY (well, in Aug 2019 when we did online therapy, which he ended after the 3rd session) found out about DA/AP dynamics, which describes our dynamic. Given that, do I: a) do ONE - and really only one - last attempt at getting through to him? My idea would be to send him a letter inside a useful book, such as Avoidant: How to Love a Dismissive Partner, briefly, lovingly but firmly stating that this is my last attempt....that I really do want kids and a family, I still think it's potentially possible to have a rewarding relationship, so if he recognizes himself in this description, just know it IS possible to change the dynamic if he's willing to do his share, because I'm willing to do mine. And if so, what book on these relationships would be good in that case, targeted more towards the avoidant? -OR- b) do I LEAVE it alone....trust that if he wanted to, he could check out all the resources I already pointed him to during that last therapy session? Is it possible, because I ALWAYS reached out - longest we went without seeing eachother was a year - that he may miss me enough to finally cause enough discomfort for him to want to change? I mean, I think in a way, he's attached to me too, but is able to supress it wayyyyyyyyyyyy more. I know he "loves" me forever (whatever that means), but feels we don't work together (because we dont, because hes not working). This is also for me - I want to just leave no stone unturned, thinking that if I do, it'll make it possible for me to truly disconnect from him, or at least really WANT to disconnect. Besides, I have nothing to lose, like an "expect the worst hope for the best" type of attitude. BTW, we have tons of mutual friends and his sister and I still communicate, and they all love me and know deep down that my ex has been the way more difficult one, yet no one really feels comfortable or has a desire to point that stuff out to him. Thank you so much for any help in this. This ended up being extremely long. Now that I've written this essay I'm gonna return the favor and look at some other posts  |
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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 1:40:12 GMT
Sorry - just wanted to add one thing, it wont let me edit the first post...he has referred to us (in the past!) as soulmates, our friends think/thought we were soulmates, his family is super bummed out at him doing this repeatedly to me. His dad, who ironically is 100% a huge reason why my ex is avoidant in the first place, is (not surprisingly) disappointed in his son for not marrying me and having a family, because goddam it, I'm a catch (i think). I don't necessarily believe in soulmates anymore, but I just want to make it a little clear that I'm not just imagining a strong connection/im not in denial. I do think he loves me - but he always does the typical thing that DA's do after a honeymoon period is over - make the relationship unbearable, pull away after a nice time, always see the negative, not keep promises/provokes issues/causes conflict/you name it then say what a bad relationship...etc.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 8, 2020 1:58:24 GMT
Hey, I don’t know if the book would help at all because he already admits he’s avoidant and like you said, is able to research on his own anything regarding his avoidant behavior. Avoidants are avoidant to change. If they do- it has be because they want to and even then change is hard.
He broke up with you again- that’s a whole lot of back and forth for a DA. Maybe he should experience life without you and live with his choice. He’s probably more likely to reflect on being avoidant and try to change if he’s rock bottom and alone, with consequences, rather than with you. DA’s suppress their feelings and may miss a partner less, but they will still feel it once they begin to thaw out. Since you do want to get married and have kids, I think you’re right not to spend a lot more time on him if it’s not going anywhere. Good luck!
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Post by amber on Feb 8, 2020 2:04:01 GMT
Hello, I'll try to keep this brief as possible, but that's hard. I'm female, 32, and the anxious-preoccupied (although have moved to more secure through therapy for sure). My ex male and is DA, 35. We don't have kids, were never married, although certainly discussed it throughout the years as though it was definitely going to happen. Met my ex in high school, we were friends, didn't date til early 20s (wrote letters to eachother every couple months, kept eachother updated on life stuff. Was his "only female friend.") Started dating long distance in 2009 (he was in army). Both fell in love, 100%. Were together solidly for two years, happy with eachother but with what I now know are DA/AP problems + immaturity. Broke up with him in 2012, but didn't want to permanently - it was both genuine and also a protest behavior (not aware of that at the time, but totally was.) He chased me, didn't work. He pulled away, I started chasing him. Then we'd break up and I'd chase him again. And on and on and on and on ...... This is the cycle after that really was a solid cycle starting 2013/2014: We'd break up. I'd give it a little time, be super upset and obsessive, and then reach out, we'd try again. Basically since 2014 he has broken up with ME every time, and I reach out after 1 month, 2months, 6 months, 1 year....and we'd give it another "go." Each time is unsuccessful because: 1) neither of us were aware of the terminology or category DA/AP, and that is what we behaved like in this relationship 2) Not sure if he was even motivated because a) maybe he just doesn't love me or 2)he never got to "lose" me, I always couldnt stand the distance and started pursuing. 3)when we did decide to go to therapy, it was kind of tragic because the therapist was reallllly bad. (We live in different cities so the one we found was online, but didnt believe in attachment theory. When i brought up my ex was avoidant, my ex agreed, and the therapist interjected, "but why are you criticising {my ex}?", essentially doing the exact opposite of what he should have done which was neutralize my statement or go further with the fact that my ex identified with being avoidant. He was a bad couples therapist. We haven't spoken since that last therapy session when my ex ended things again, bc I'd gotten upset in therapy...or something. You know, any reason. He was listing off reasons that didn't even make sense at the end. And my ex even spoke on the phone to MY personal therapist after that last session, who has, through the years, helped me with this, and my therapist says he's cut off from reality, immature, self-absorbed, and also not uncomfortable enough to make him desire to go through the process of therapy. I am still EXTREMELY attached to my ex. I was saying to my shrink, it's strong like a parent-child attachment. NOT parent-child, but you know, VERY strong. I can't say I like him too much, at least right now, bc he's been so hurtful and rejecting, abandoned me repeatedly. But everytime he has I've done more therapy and gotten more and more secure. We have plenty in common (in theory, that is... similar values, sense of humor, we're both doctors, hobbies, music, friends). My question is this: 1. We only RECENTLY (well, in Aug 2019 when we did online therapy, which he ended after the 3rd session) found out about DA/AP dynamics, which describes our dynamic. Given that, do I: a) do ONE - and really only one - last attempt at getting through to him? My idea would be to send him a letter inside a useful book, such as Avoidant: How to Love a Dismissive Partner, briefly, lovingly but firmly stating that this is my last attempt....that I really do want kids and a family, I still think it's potentially possible to have a rewarding relationship, so if he recognizes himself in this description, just know it IS possible to change the dynamic if he's willing to do his share, because I'm willing to do mine. And if so, what book on these relationships would be good in that case, targeted more towards the avoidant? -OR- b) do I LEAVE it alone....trust that if he wanted to, he could check out all the resources I already pointed him to during that last therapy session? Is it possible, because I ALWAYS reached out - longest we went without seeing eachother was a year - that he may miss me enough to finally cause enough discomfort for him to want to change? I mean, I think in a way, he's attached to me too, but is able to supress it wayyyyyyyyyyyy more. I know he "loves" me forever (whatever that means), but feels we don't work together (because we dont, because hes not working). This is also for me - I want to just leave no stone unturned, thinking that if I do, it'll make it possible for me to truly disconnect from him, or at least really WANT to disconnect. Besides, I have nothing to lose, like an "expect the worst hope for the best" type of attitude. BTW, we have tons of mutual friends and his sister and I still communicate, and they all love me and know deep down that my ex has been the way more difficult one, yet no one really feels comfortable or has a desire to point that stuff out to him. Thank you so much for any help in this. This ended up being extremely long. Now that I've written this essay I'm gonna return the favor and look at some other posts Are you sure he is DA and not FA? That’s a lot of cycling. Have u read about FA? |
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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 2:08:14 GMT
Thank you so much, I appreciate that.
Yeah, I'm right with you -I know for a fact that he will not come around soon, even if I do send the book. And I actually have started to date other people - I'm not exactly giving up on him, but I am moving on....and I feel OK actually.
I dunno...it's like I want to send him off with one final, you know, message. I'm just wondering if sending a physical letter inside a physical book, which he can look at when and if he finally does miss me. It's like a physical book/letter is harder to avoid?! I dunno, maybe I'm being silly. He has in his email a bunch of articles that I emailed him and the therapist back in Aug.
I also am wondering about it because if I'm gonna send the book or letter, it has to be now - it's still within a year of the break up, and even now it's kind of a long time, but it's still understandable that I'm thinking about it. But it's nearing the time when sending a letter or book like that would just reinforce the notion that he has me in the bag forever.
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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 2:11:16 GMT
Hello, I'll try to keep this brief as possible, but that's hard. I'm female, 32, and the anxious-preoccupied (although have moved to more secure through therapy for sure). My ex male and is DA, 35. We don't have kids, were never married, although certainly discussed it throughout the years as though it was definitely going to happen. Met my ex in high school, we were friends, didn't date til early 20s (wrote letters to eachother every couple months, kept eachother updated on life stuff. Was his "only female friend.") Started dating long distance in 2009 (he was in army). Both fell in love, 100%. Were together solidly for two years, happy with eachother but with what I now know are DA/AP problems + immaturity. Broke up with him in 2012, but didn't want to permanently - it was both genuine and also a protest behavior (not aware of that at the time, but totally was.) He chased me, didn't work. He pulled away, I started chasing him. Then we'd break up and I'd chase him again. And on and on and on and on ...... This is the cycle after that really was a solid cycle starting 2013/2014: We'd break up. I'd give it a little time, be super upset and obsessive, and then reach out, we'd try again. Basically since 2014 he has broken up with ME every time, and I reach out after 1 month, 2months, 6 months, 1 year....and we'd give it another "go." Each time is unsuccessful because: 1) neither of us were aware of the terminology or category DA/AP, and that is what we behaved like in this relationship 2) Not sure if he was even motivated because a) maybe he just doesn't love me or 2)he never got to "lose" me, I always couldnt stand the distance and started pursuing. 3)when we did decide to go to therapy, it was kind of tragic because the therapist was reallllly bad. (We live in different cities so the one we found was online, but didnt believe in attachment theory. When i brought up my ex was avoidant, my ex agreed, and the therapist interjected, "but why are you criticising {my ex}?", essentially doing the exact opposite of what he should have done which was neutralize my statement or go further with the fact that my ex identified with being avoidant. He was a bad couples therapist. We haven't spoken since that last therapy session when my ex ended things again, bc I'd gotten upset in therapy...or something. You know, any reason. He was listing off reasons that didn't even make sense at the end. And my ex even spoke on the phone to MY personal therapist after that last session, who has, through the years, helped me with this, and my therapist says he's cut off from reality, immature, self-absorbed, and also not uncomfortable enough to make him desire to go through the process of therapy. I am still EXTREMELY attached to my ex. I was saying to my shrink, it's strong like a parent-child attachment. NOT parent-child, but you know, VERY strong. I can't say I like him too much, at least right now, bc he's been so hurtful and rejecting, abandoned me repeatedly. But everytime he has I've done more therapy and gotten more and more secure. We have plenty in common (in theory, that is... similar values, sense of humor, we're both doctors, hobbies, music, friends). My question is this: 1. We only RECENTLY (well, in Aug 2019 when we did online therapy, which he ended after the 3rd session) found out about DA/AP dynamics, which describes our dynamic. Given that, do I: a) do ONE - and really only one - last attempt at getting through to him? My idea would be to send him a letter inside a useful book, such as Avoidant: How to Love a Dismissive Partner, briefly, lovingly but firmly stating that this is my last attempt....that I really do want kids and a family, I still think it's potentially possible to have a rewarding relationship, so if he recognizes himself in this description, just know it IS possible to change the dynamic if he's willing to do his share, because I'm willing to do mine. And if so, what book on these relationships would be good in that case, targeted more towards the avoidant? -OR- b) do I LEAVE it alone....trust that if he wanted to, he could check out all the resources I already pointed him to during that last therapy session? Is it possible, because I ALWAYS reached out - longest we went without seeing eachother was a year - that he may miss me enough to finally cause enough discomfort for him to want to change? I mean, I think in a way, he's attached to me too, but is able to supress it wayyyyyyyyyyyy more. I know he "loves" me forever (whatever that means), but feels we don't work together (because we dont, because hes not working). This is also for me - I want to just leave no stone unturned, thinking that if I do, it'll make it possible for me to truly disconnect from him, or at least really WANT to disconnect. Besides, I have nothing to lose, like an "expect the worst hope for the best" type of attitude. BTW, we have tons of mutual friends and his sister and I still communicate, and they all love me and know deep down that my ex has been the way more difficult one, yet no one really feels comfortable or has a desire to point that stuff out to him. Thank you so much for any help in this. This ended up being extremely long. Now that I've written this essay I'm gonna return the favor and look at some other posts Are you sure he is DA and not FA? That’s a lot of cycling. Have u read about FA? You have a point! According to the descriptions, he is behaves like a DA, or at least outwardly behaves like one. However, internally there may be a few FA processes going on for sure. I think he has very high self-esteem, at least outwardly. I dunno. I will definitely look into it more! |
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Post by dhali on Feb 8, 2020 2:47:58 GMT
You’re all over the place. Last ditch effort, let it be, dating others, don’t really care. You’re painting a great picture of how anxiety drives you to doing things that aren’t helpful. Clearly you’re triggered and seeking answers. The sending the book is really passive aggressive, imo. And this board is littered with stories of how trying to fix your ex ends in flames. It’s just not appropriate behavior a less they ask for the feedback. Anyhow, I can’t see how it could be well received by an avoidant. Also, how many one last time’s have their been?
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Post by doctora on Feb 8, 2020 3:06:57 GMT
Great point. I think I'm just gonna leave it be. Being on this forum is helping!
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Post by annieb on Feb 8, 2020 4:32:43 GMT
Agree that it may be time to let go. This will be an exercise in maturity for you in a way - letting go of something that has nearly consumed you. Letting go of all the notions of having a family and having kids, all of that. Because it’s most certainly not going to happen with this guy. And it’s not your job to fix him and not your job to train him. He is an adult. He is making choices just like you are. He’s only gone to three therapy sessions because he doesn’t feel he needs it. Who is to say that he is discontent? Maybe he is perfectly happy with his situation? At least for the time being. Leave him be. Tend to yourself and grant yourself love and understanding that you so willingly give to him.
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Post by doctora on Feb 10, 2020 23:35:02 GMT
Absolutely. Thank you. I know. I do have to let it go. A few things keep "popping up" for me repeatedly, most of them related to my next stage of healing, which is detaching from this man, breaking this extremely, strong attachment. Is it possible? Or do I learn to live with it, like the death of a loved one? Is this something I bear for the rest of my life? I want to just repeat....I've known him since I was 14 and I'm 32 now. We have a little bit of amazing history and a lot of shitty history, mostly lost/messed up opportunities for connection that turned into trauma because of his avoidance (and my anxiety, but to a slightly lesser degree, especially the past 6 years).
1. Now that I'm past the stage where I'm blaming myself, and I actually like myself and can see things more clearly, I'm just sad, angry, and hurt. I loved him and he abandoned me, no way around that. I was always terrified that he would realize his mistake when it was too late, when I'd be with someone else, having given up. And that prevented me from really finding a suitable partner and/or getting attached to one. I still can't attach to ANYONE like I attached to him. I hope this can change. I don't know how to work on that. I wonder sometimes if it goes both ways. Was he attached to me at all? He got way too into drugs and partying after he got out of the army, another distraction method. That and work-addiction, because he's a doctor now. Will his attachment ever surface? It makes me cry thinking about it. I can see him coming around when he's like 50 or when one of his parents passes and I already have kids and it's too late. It literally makes me cry. Such a waste of a strong attachment.
2. Years ago the issue of attachment got brought up in the handful of times I saw my own therapist with my ex. Back then, it really seemed like "attachment" was almost a four-letter word....separate from love, something unhealthy, something controlling and codependent. I guess I'd just assumed that, because that was a misunderstanding. I was kind of mad at my shrink , because years later, he clarified: yes, there is a thing called loving with detachment, and that certainly has its uses. BUT, attachment, apparently, is THE THING that therapists work with. Attachment is the long-term glue. The feeling of being in love, scientifically speaking, doesn't last forever and ever - it can come and go, yes, but the motivation to work through things comes from that attachment. Love serves a purpose in that it gets us initially attached. Attachment, therefore, is EXTREMELY important, and definitely can be healthy.
I just wish I could detach from him so I could really re-attach to someone worthy of it.
It's a little bit of bad luck, that my subconscious chose someone to get attached to with THIS extreme a degree of avoidance. I was so young when I met my EX, I didn't understand this attachment stuff, but I think I would have been just as attracted and in love with him had he been a little less dismissive. The DA stuff threw me for a loop and while it did surface lots of my issues to work on, I feel like it did make me more anxious and preoccupied. Not trying to turn myself into a total victim, but my god, some of the DA stuff is abusive, even if they aren't aware of it.
Anyway. Any tips on really HEALING? hypnotherapy??? reiki? travelling? joining a support group (well, this is kind of a support group...) I want to just feel amazing and whole again, and I'm almost there, but this still weighs on me.
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Post by doctora on Feb 10, 2020 23:37:37 GMT
You’re all over the place. Last ditch effort, let it be, dating others, don’t really care. You’re painting a great picture of how anxiety drives you to doing things that aren’t helpful. Clearly you’re triggered and seeking answers. The sending the book is really passive aggressive, imo. And this board is littered with stories of how trying to fix your ex ends in flames. It’s just not appropriate behavior a less they ask for the feedback. Anyhow, I can’t see how it could be well received by an avoidant. Also, how many one last time’s have their been?Lol, touche. There have been lots of one last times!!! |
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Post by serenity on Feb 11, 2020 0:36:11 GMT
I'm unsure how you properly get over someone after so many years. But I can say that when you get into a truly loving and satisfying romantic relationship, you don't miss unsatisfying relationships with exes who mistreated you. If you haven't had the experience of being treated well by a partner yet, its worth taking whatever steps you need to meet, and be ready to accept, a loving man. Wishing you the best <3
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Post by doctora on Feb 12, 2020 21:03:44 GMT
Ugh, I’m still sad. I have been in relationships with way more secure men who treat me much better, even slightly avoidant men to a much lesser degree, and they were great. There were other long term incompatibilities such as age and not wanting kids at the same time that split us up but I stayed on good terms with most of my exes and did not miss them in the same way. Usually the connection wasn’t as strong as the one I had with my ex-DA, or because I hadn’t cut my attachment to him, my heart always drifted back. My ex DA always said he’d never love anyone as much as he loved me. I dunno. He also sleeps around and parties during times when we’re not together but no relationships where he’d be forced to grow. Do you really think it’s bad to send a letter and along with the book that says, ‘look, I didn’t know this before, I recognize our dynamic in this, a lot of the negativity you see in the relationship has to do with deactivation strategies, and this really may be worth looking into, if you want. There’s no time left and I have to move on, but it’s not beyond saving.’ Kind of like a no pressure, but here’s the truth kind of thing. Even if he decided to work on himself I know it would be a big arduous process. I think I’d be willing to stick around if he paid for the therapy and made an effort, and it came from him. I’m just a little nervous he’ll avoid looking at the stuff I already gave him. He can be really thickheaded. And if he doesn’t want to - well, then I feel like I could walk away a little more secure that I did absolutely everything in my power. There were one last times before, but not when I was armed with attachment theory. On another note, this is a stupid question and I guess no one can really answer it - but do you think he’ll miss me/misses me? I get choked up thinking about it. I always felt that he would but I could have been projecting. He said many times before that if I’d just left him alone he’d have probably come back on his own (once again placing blame on me).... I sometimes think how he’d feel if I died (I’m not suicidal, not even close, I just wonder about it because, well, i don’t really understand how he feels.) This is a real tragedy for me and I’m just trying to....I dunno. Come To terms with it. He’s 35, in 32, we should be have been able To have kids and be married by now. All our mutual friends did. It was embarrassing, too - while all our friends partnered off and developed adult relationships, we became the “crazy couple”, something I resented a lot. I don’t think everyone realized that my ex’s avoidance was the primary issue, let alone know what avoidance is. They still like me, though, so obviously i wasn’t the total crazy ex in their minds. In fact his best friend once said, yeah, he’s probably to blame for most of the break up, I know you tried, he’s difficult. Also is a fear - probably irrational - that hell fall in love with someone else and change for them lol. Even though logic tells me thats unlikely. I think of myself objectively, and I’m smart, funny(my ex thinks I’m hilarious actually), pretty, in shape. Why, why, why?!  ? I feel so much in common with lostinlove. It’s like he had everything he theoretically wanted right in front of him..... |
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Post by amber on Feb 12, 2020 22:00:13 GMT
Ugh, I’m still sad. I have been in relationships with way more secure men who treat me much better, even slightly avoidant men to a much lesser degree, and they were great. There were other long term incompatibilities such as age and not wanting kids at the same time that split us up but I stayed on good terms with most of my exes and did not miss them in the same way. Usually the connection wasn’t as strong as the one I had with my ex-DA, or because I hadn’t cut my attachment to him, my heart always drifted back. My ex DA always said he’d never love anyone as much as he loved me. I dunno. He also sleeps around and parties during times when we’re not together but no relationships where he’d be forced to grow. Do you really think it’s bad to send a letter and along with the book that says, ‘look, I didn’t know this before, I recognize our dynamic in this, a lot of the negativity you see in the relationship has to do with deactivation strategies, and this really may be worth looking into, if you want. There’s no time left and I have to move on, but it’s not beyond saving.’ Kind of like a no pressure, but here’s the truth kind of thing. Even if he decided to work on himself I know it would be a big arduous process. I think I’d be willing to stick around if he paid for the therapy and made an effort, and it came from him. I’m just a little nervous he’ll avoid looking at the stuff I already gave him. He can be really thickheaded. And if he doesn’t want to - well, then I feel like I could walk away a little more secure that I did absolutely everything in my power. There were one last times before, but not when I was armed with attachment theory. On another note, this is a stupid question and I guess no one can really answer it - but do you think he’ll miss me/misses me? I get choked up thinking about it. I always felt that he would but I could have been projecting. He said many times before that if I’d just left him alone he’d have probably come back on his own (once again placing blame on me).... I sometimes think how he’d feel if I died (I’m not suicidal, not even close, I just wonder about it because, well, i don’t really understand how he feels.) This is a real tragedy for me and I’m just trying to....I dunno. Come To terms with it. He’s 35, in 32, we should be have been able To have kids and be married by now. All our mutual friends did. It was embarrassing, too - while all our friends partnered off and developed adult relationships, we became the “crazy couple”, something I resented a lot. I don’t think everyone realized that my ex’s avoidance was the primary issue, let alone know what avoidance is. They still like me, though, so obviously i wasn’t the total crazy ex in their minds. In fact his best friend once said, yeah, he’s probably to blame for most of the break up, I know you tried, he’s difficult. Also is a fear - probably irrational - that hell fall in love with someone else and change for them lol. Even though logic tells me thats unlikely. I think of myself objectively, and I’m smart, funny(my ex thinks I’m hilarious actually), pretty, in shape. Why, why, why?! ? I feel so much in common with lostinlove. It’s like he had everything he theoretically wanted right in front of him..... You’re trying to figure everything out with your head. It’s not rational or logical the way he is or why you broke up and didn’t work. The reason people behave the way they do is based on responses from the autonomic nervous system which is automatic, unconscious, and almost always outside of our awareness. And it’s usually pre-verbal, from the first three years of our life when our attachment system developed. It’s based on implicit, not explicit memory, (implicit meaning not cognitive, based on body sensations and feelings). What has helped me is reading everything I could about attachment, and now that I know why people act the way they do, I can’t un-know this and trick myself into believing the thoughts of things you are trying to convince yourself of ; ie “it’s my fault, we can make it work if only I can get him to understand attachment; i can help him and maybe he will change etc etc “... Two of the besr books I have read on attachment which helped me to really get this and move on from my ex FA are “nurturing resilience “ by Kathy Kain, and “attachment in adulthood” by mulkincer and shaver. Also, hate to say this, and I can see maybe you are trying to convince yourself that the primary reason the r/ship didn’t work is because he was avoidant, but you would have played a significant part in why the r/ship didn’t work too... being AP means you are still unavailable for r/ships in your own unique way, and you are chasing an unavailable person and settling for an unequal type of ‘love’ where you arnt getting your needs met. Alexandra has written some great stuff in posts about being AP and why you feel You are available for r/ships but really arnt. Go and read her stuff! She knows a lot. |
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Post by serenity on Feb 12, 2020 23:28:03 GMT
Just in my own experiences, abstaining from anxious acting out/protest behaviour/chasing doesn't make these relationships with Avoidants work either. Those behaviours trigger avoidants, but avoidants are triggered most by intimacy itself, which increases as relationships evolve. You really can't `change yourself' and make it work with an avoidant who blames and hurts other people for their triggered feelings.
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? I feel so much in common with lostinlove. It’s like he had everything he theoretically wanted right in front of him.....