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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2017 11:52:34 GMT
I was with someone for six years - having read recently about the DA attachment type it fits him to a Tee....We are both late 40s - I was fresh out of a 16 year marriage and he had never married always been commitment shy. We had been friends for a couple of years before the relationship begun and at the beginning he was uncertain about his ability to be with anyone - and worried he'd hurt me. Like a fool I ignored the signs - I'm on the autistic spectrum, very self contained and need space as well as being conflict avoidant.
We were a match made in heaven in many ways - but I found it difficult to be intimate with someone who was unable to say they loved me, although he did repeatedly say I was the best person in the world for him, that I was his one and only love. He was unable to make plans, we saw each other once or twice a week - with no contact in between not even a text although I repeatedly asked and in the end it just wasn't enough for me. He disappeared when I was honest with him and said I needed more time together and that I was concerned about his excessive drinking and felt like our relationship was all about meeting his needs whilst mine were ignored.
This was five months ago - he messaged a few times saying he was sorting himself out, told a mutual friend he missed me acutely and was intensely lonely. He asked to meet a week ago and we went for a walk - nothing said re relationship or what happened and since then he's asked to do the same again. Nothing was ever formally ended - but after all this time and a great deal of pain I need to move on - I would consider reconnecting only if we had some professional help - but last time I suggested this he said he couldn't see how it would help. He also said that it was up to me if I wanted to stay with him.
I'm generally pretty secure but this relationship has sent me into something of a tailspin.
He did once tell me he was sexually abused as a child - but then denied it. He certainly has a dysfunctional family background and is very aware that he is the common factor in the failure of all his relationships.
I'm considering asking him not to contact me since I am worried we will be forever stuck in this kind of half in half out dynamic - I would like to thing there was some kind of hope but perhaps I am being overly optimistic. At the moment I'm concentrating on my own healing and in building a future for myself but it's not easy when I know he's hovering......Any help please?
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Aug 26, 2017 14:46:23 GMT
I was with someone for six years - having read recently about the DA attachment type it fits him to a Tee....We are both late 40s - I was fresh out of a 16 year marriage and he had never married always been commitment shy. We had been friends for a couple of years before the relationship begun and at the beginning he was uncertain about his ability to be with anyone - and worried he'd hurt me. Like a fool I ignored the signs - I'm on the autistic spectrum, very self contained and need space as well as being conflict avoidant. We were a match made in heaven in many ways - but I found it difficult to be intimate with someone who was unable to say they loved me, although he did repeatedly say I was the best person in the world for him, that I was his one and only love. He was unable to make plans, we saw each other once or twice a week - with no contact in between not even a text although I repeatedly asked and in the end it just wasn't enough for me. He disappeared when I was honest with him and said I needed more time together and that I was concerned about his excessive drinking and felt like our relationship was all about meeting his needs whilst mine were ignored. This was five months ago - he messaged a few times saying he was sorting himself out, told a mutual friend he missed me acutely and was intensely lonely. He asked to meet a week ago and we went for a walk - nothing said re relationship or what happened and since then he's asked to do the same again. Nothing was ever formally ended - but after all this time and a great deal of pain I need to move on - I would consider reconnecting only if we had some professional help - but last time I suggested this he said he couldn't see how it would help. He also said that it was up to me if I wanted to stay with him. I'm generally pretty secure but this relationship has sent me into something of a tailspin. He did once tell me he was sexually abused as a child - but then denied it. He certainly has a dysfunctional family background and is very aware that he is the common factor in the failure of all his relationships. I'm considering asking him not to contact me since I am worried we will be forever stuck in this kind of half in half out dynamic - I would like to thing there was some kind of hope but perhaps I am being overly optimistic. At the moment I'm concentrating on my own healing and in building a future for myself but it's not easy when I know he's hovering......Any help please? Hi Ocarina, Welcome to the forum. You will find alot of people here in the same boat as you, struggling to make sense of their relationships or the ending of relationships. My ex is an FA, so a little different just in terms of craving Intimacey but being scared of it all at the same time. I wanted to reply to you, because I wanted to shed some light onto his behaviour. My ex was sexually abused as a child, and the more research and therapy I have gone to, the more his behavior makes sense. I joined a support group for partners of survivors of child sex abuse, and it has really helped, along with being on this forum. First of all, none of it is your fault. Secondly, people who face this sort of deep physiological trauma as children, grow up fearful, distrustful, and usually form an addiction. (It could be alcohol, drugs, work, etc. With my ex it's work) You did say that he denies it now. So it sounds like he has not gotten any kind of help or healed. Unfortunately, unless somebody is willing to go and seek therapy, there is not much we can do. My FA is a very good man, but a very scared man. It's buried so deep physiologically, that he doesn't see how what happened to him connectes to how he relates to people as an adult. His connections, intimacy, how he relates, how he bonds and if he can even bond. They are all factors. It depends on the extent of his abuse, and every person is different of course. But if he opened up to you and told you That, and is now denying it, I am sure he has alot of repressed pain. Like I said, unless he is willing to go and seek help, then I'm afraid you maybe trapped In this dynamic just the way it is. They are very good at building walls to keep people out. My FA and I still spend time together, we still love each other. But I'm just not sure if he is capable of opening up. He is not willing to heal those wounds. It breaks my heart, because I am trying to be patient, but while I do, I go unheard and my needs are never acknowledged. Your situation is your situation of course. And you need to do what's best for you. I urge you to do some research Into CSA. If you need any reading material, send me a private message, I would gladly send some stuff your way. Betty |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2017 15:06:38 GMT
Thank you for the welcome Betty - it's good to have found such a supportive and positive community.
The fact that he mentioned past sexual abuse - and also had likened his childhood to Ian Mckewen's novel The Cement Garden which chapters incest, emotional abuse etc in a family makes me feel that it's likely that this has happened to him - I was shocked when he actually told me - and was silent for a while. When I asked him if it was true he said that he was joking.....
I have spent so long trying to understand and to give space, compassion etc that I'm not sure how much more it would be healthy for me to give - I was damaged (or allowed myself to be) unwittingly in this relationship and I firmly believe that self compassion and kindness has to be the first step towards really loving someone. In my situation now, I am wondering if actually distancing myself from him completely would be the kindest thing to do for myself but I'm uncertain.
There seem to be so many things going on and having been to Al anon for a while I hope I am wise enough to know that these problems are not of my making and the solution will not come from me either. Maybe loving detachment rather than hard boundaries is the way to go.
I'm interested in reading more Betty - will pm you and thank you again.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2017 16:05:29 GMT
So - as I mentioned the ex is still contacting me, we still connect over shared hobbies have been out for a walk a few times. I know he still cares very much but this contact is really hurting me - the contact and the realisation that I could be stuck in this dynamic for ever. Yesterday we met at a mutual friends wedding (we sing in the same group - he joined after meeting me) and it hurt to see him - I realised I can no longer pretend that I'm OK and tough it out, ignoring or stuffing down my pain so I've made the decision to go NC - I am putting my singing on hold for a while so we don't keep bumping into each other and am going to use the time to do some watersports with some girlfriends which will be a challenge and fun and fear in equal measure and something nurturing for me.
I felt that I should somehow shoulder the pain and be fine with it - but I realise I've been in denial about just how much I was hurting myself in this relationship. A mutual friend said he was devastated that he's caused pain - that he's at a complete loss, he's realised that if a relationship won't work with me, it won't work with anyone. I feel really sad, but keeping in touch is just keeping the door open - it's like continually putting a finger on a lightbulb and getting burnt over and over again, it's not the lights fault, but I can't go on hurting myself.
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Post by DearLover on Sept 10, 2017 20:25:48 GMT
I believe it is always a good idea to recreate our life and cultivate ourselves even more after a break up. I have no opportunities to bump into DAex unless it happens completely by coincidence, no hobbies, friends in common, etc ... still I am finding that doing new things, meeting new people and picking up new hobbies and forgotten ones, is helping tremendously. From this week I am changing all the furniture around in my home and trying new recipes. And I keeping thanking the universe for the opportunity...if I was spending time dating DA ex or waiting for him to show up, I wouldn't be doing all of these new things. I would be second guessing myself, feeling uncomfortable and insecure, listening to the same boring stories, opinions an unfunny jokes and craving for the intimacy to go from shallow to deep. Sex was keeping me very frustrated too.
From this week I am changing all the furniture positioning in my home and trying new recipes.
I still feel a hint of sadness but it is the realisation that the dream was a lie and the fear of starting over again.
Never mind, I know I will come through the other side eventually and so will you and everybody else here.
Take care.
ps - can you not find another singing group?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 14:08:34 GMT
I'm sorry to hear your dilemma. The answer lies within you - you need to make an inventory of steps once and for all to get out of this mired state. 1. Decide if you truly want the relationship to work and to ask yourself how likely he will be able to meet your needs, and if you can meet each other halfway? 2. If the emphatic answer is no, then you need to be very firm about giving up on the relationship completely. I found this video rather helpful about the ruthlessness we need to apply to our situation. Of course your words are not going to be ruthless, be kind, be gentle, be generous with him, but your actions are decisive. www.youtube.com/watch?v=euPx9iieoiwEasier said than done, though, I'm still struggling, so is everyone. So be kind and patient with yourself. I wonder if the avoidant partners go through the same heart-wrenching process or if it's easy for them to move on? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 19:18:30 GMT
Thanks Dearlover and Curious - good to have some input.
I could join a different singing group although none are as high quality and challenging and to be honest some outdoor exercise might be just what I need at the moment.
In answer to your questions Curious - at this moment in time (which is actually all that matters) no he can't meet my needs, no he can't meet me half way - and this is unlikely to change unless he does his own work so whilst I truly do want the relationship to work the ball is out of my court here and I recognise this so giving myself away in the hope that things might change is counterproductive. At the moment I need to give up on the relationship completely, focus on myself and be open to whatever happens - particularly with respect to dating other people and not getting caught in the trap of waiting for this train that may well never arrive.
I feel better having made the decision - and not seeing him will be freeing because all this casual contact has maintained a kind of bond between us which isn't helpful.
I think as an avoidant he feels deeply troubled - he's expressed to a mutual friend that he feels heartbroken and alone and at a total loss. I think it's possible he feels worse than me. Thanks for the link - will take a look.
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