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Post by tnr9 on Feb 13, 2020 2:55:25 GMT
I am doing much better....however, I am still having moments where I have images or tapes that still try to make it all about B. In the absence of any information....my immediate assumption is that everything is just perfect with this new girl...and yes...the old “I failed” tape also makes an ugly appearance. There is obviously some reason that I find comfort in such distressing thoughts, but it baffles me.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 13, 2020 5:49:48 GMT
tnr9, have you had any CBT therapy? That's supposed to teach techniques to interrupt circular and unhelpful thought patterns.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 13, 2020 12:15:08 GMT
tnr9 , have you had any CBT therapy? That's supposed to teach techniques to interrupt circular and unhelpful thought patterns. No....my therapist wants me to bring myself back to now.....and I do....but they just keep reappearing.... |
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Post by annieb on Feb 13, 2020 15:44:35 GMT
tnr9 , have you had any CBT therapy? That's supposed to teach techniques to interrupt circular and unhelpful thought patterns. No....my therapist wants me to bring myself back to now.....and I do....but they just keep reappearing.... Try writing down in two columns, the bad thoughts in the tapes and in the other column the reality. An example for me: Loop thought: I could have been sweeter and more accommodating and my DA wouldn’t have broken up with me. Reality: This man has gone through 100s of women and I even talked to one of them and we agreed that there is something seriously wrong with this man, and he has broken up and gotten back together with all of them. |
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Post by annieb on Feb 13, 2020 15:47:48 GMT
Also I second Alexandra’s recommendation of CBT therapy. Try the simple version - there is an app called Pocket CBD, it’s helpful.
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Post by annieb on Feb 13, 2020 16:00:27 GMT
Just FYI I just re read some of my entries from the last three years in my CBT app and I see a person with no boundaries and a people pleaser. I’ve really changed after my last relationship and therapy. I’ve got much stronger boundaries. And things are so much easier for me now.
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Post by amber on Feb 13, 2020 22:32:34 GMT
My therapist reckons looping and negative thoughts are the way the mind suppresses emotions.its a defence mechanism. I’d say don’t pay too much attention to the thought content, can you detect any emotional content that arises at the same time, even if it’s really subtle?
Do you let yourself cry and grieve regularly ?
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Post by serenity on Feb 13, 2020 22:53:53 GMT
I like Amber's suggestion a lot (and CBT therapy was really good for me personally)
I'm a little unsure how to help you move through your grief, but I really feel for you being stuck so long. It sounds like you got stuck in the `denial and bargaining' stages of grief, which is when all the mind loops happen. I feel that some very big feelings are underneath, it might be a very deep sadness, it might also be anger. If these feelings are so overwhelming for you that you have been unable to grieve properly, therapy might be the safest place for you to try?
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Post by annieb on Feb 13, 2020 22:55:54 GMT
My therapist reckons looping and negative thoughts are the way the mind suppresses emotions.its a defence mechanism. I’d say don’t pay too much attention to the thought content, can you detect any emotional content that arises at the same time, even if it’s really subtle? Do you let yourself cry and grieve regularly ? Love this explanation. Suppose when the negative loop starts, see if you can recognize it and start positive affirmations right away. I’ve been able to do this a few times after I started my therapy. |
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Post by amber on Feb 13, 2020 23:13:24 GMT
Have you heard of complicated grief?it might be worth investigating. I’d agree with serenity in that it’s likely you have a bunch of old stuffed down feelings that are causing you to stay stuck and thinking negatively like this. Consider seeing a therapist who can hold you and be a container whilst you let some of this out....as a suggestion I’ve been doing SE and found it really gentle for slowly alllowing feelings like sadness to surface whilst being what they call ‘resourced’...
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 14, 2020 2:03:48 GMT
Try saying in your “delete, delete” to interrupt your thought pattern. It always helps me and now I’m also hearing psychologists support this method. 💜
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2020 12:31:39 GMT
So...I will be discussing this with my therapist...but there are 2 emotions that come up very strongly...sadness and anger.....at both myself and at times at B. The way these thoughts all go has to do with a deep rooted belief that B is a good, caring, Christian man. I felt it (I am empathic)...I saw it. After the horrible situation I had with a narc....I was so grateful to be with someone who felt (at times...and I guess this is important) like home. I have grappled so poorly with the fact that he and I were in the relationship for different reasons....which is in part where the anger and sadness come in. The first 3 months, I was already all in but he was just coming over when he felt like it....he stopped attending the singles group where we met...was checking out other churches....one night he was drunk (he did not deal well with conflict and as such he would drink) and he started to say that I was 3 steps ahead of him (it was a break up attempt) and I said to him that he should find someone who supports his dreams...then I asked if we were still dating. That night....he invited me to his parents house ( he lived with his parents for financial reasons) I met his best friend....B cooked a chicken pot pie, but again he was drunk....the night after that I met his parents. He had another almost break up with me right before Christmas where he talked about the fact that he wanted a child that he raised (all of his siblings are married and 3 of them have children....B does have a son.....but he never married the mom) but we talked about options.....in January he asked for keys to my place and by then, we had regular days he was coming over and he left a lot of his cloths over at my place. I was attending several of his family get together. It was 2 weeks after Easter that he broke up with me...at his sister’s house, late at night....it felt horrible, I felt I had nowhere to go.
Where I get mentally trapped in the tapes is how different it was with this new girl. He did date her a couple of times....but came to me because he had doubts.....she was going on a long mission trip and there was something he said about struggling to understand her.....so he did end that.....but that is the girl that is now his girlfriend....,I guess they reconnected. He started bringing her to meet people...he took her to a bbq at a mutual friend’s forth of July event...I did not go....then he invited her to his family’s summer vacation (I was never invited) and 2 weeks later he made them Facebook official....which is when I defriended him. It is almost 6 months for them.
I say all this to explain the tapes...the tapes are usually about how much better he is now that he is with her...how him choosing her makes all the difference.....how her being different from me makes all the difference as well....and in the combination of those 2 thoughts....is where the images come up of how protective, loving, caring and kind their relationship is. How they are on a trajectory towards marriage. How he is giving up all the coping mechanisms he used with me...the checking out, the alcohol etc because he is in the relationship he wants to be in now. It doesn’t matter about his past short term relationships (his longest before me was around 6 months, he says) , it doesn’t matter what he did in the past because he is now in such a better place...and in that better place, he is now everything I had hoped to have. He is the exception to the FA curse.....or maybe I was wrong and he isn’t FA...maybe he is just ADHD but now he is getting treaded (this is all in my mind) and maybe he doesn’t use alcohol to avoid conflict etc. etc.
All of this is compounded by the last time I saw him.....we were hanging out for his birthday....he brought over whiskey and I should have known he wanted to say something I would not like. He wasn’t as jokey as he had been and off the cuff mentioned that this girl said he should not hang out with me because he was just extending my hurt. Later that night, he reminded me we were just friends...and I started to cry. That night is a bit of a blur because I was so sad but these things stood out...he said...haven’t you ever been with someone you knew it was not going to be forever. He also reminded me that he tried to break up with me after 3 moths. He said he wasn’t so negative towards the other girl (who became his gf). He suggested I date a friend of his. He said he did not need to go to the community any more because he had his establish friends. It was as if he was trying to push me away. He did send me an IM in September, commenting on my profile picture and letting me know he was no longer going to attend the singles group because he had started a new bible study and had other obligations. I just miss him.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 14, 2020 16:04:47 GMT
If you continue down your course of thought...maybe he is more compatible with her, certain people are more compatible, attachment aside. Maybe he has found a person he can be happy with. Can you accept that and if not be happy about it, recognize that you are also more compatible with another?
If for some reason it didn’t work with him or he was withheld from you, then believe it was for a reason and that someone better is around the corner. Sometimes a negative answer is for our best, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
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Post by annieb on Feb 14, 2020 16:43:00 GMT
So...I will be discussing this with my therapist...but there are 2 emotions that come up very strongly...sadness and anger.....at both myself and at times at B. The way these thoughts all go has to do with a deep rooted belief that B is a good, caring, Christian man. I felt it (I am empathic)...I saw it. After the horrible situation I had with a narc....I was so grateful to be with someone who felt (at times...and I guess this is important) like home. I have grappled so poorly with the fact that he and I were in the relationship for different reasons....which is in part where the anger and sadness come in. The first 3 months, I was already all in but he was just coming over when he felt like it....he stopped attending the singles group where we met...was checking out other churches....one night he was drunk (he did not deal well with conflict and as such he would drink) and he started to say that I was 3 steps ahead of him (it was a break up attempt) and I said to him that he should find someone who supports his dreams...then I asked if we were still dating. That night....he invited me to his parents house ( he lived with his parents for financial reasons) I met his best friend....B cooked a chicken pot pie, but again he was drunk....the night after that I met his parents. He had another almost break up with me right before Christmas where he talked about the fact that he wanted a child that he raised (all of his siblings are married and 3 of them have children....B does have a son.....but he never married the mom) but we talked about options.....in January he asked for keys to my place and by then, we had regular days he was coming over and he left a lot of his cloths over at my place. I was attending several of his family get together. It was 2 weeks after Easter that he broke up with me...at his sister’s house, late at night....it felt horrible, I felt I had nowhere to go. Where I get mentally trapped in the tapes is how different it was with this new girl. He did date her a couple of times....but came to me because he had doubts.....she was going on a long mission trip and there was something he said about struggling to understand her.....so he did end that.....but that is the girl that is now his girlfriend....,I guess they reconnected. He started bringing her to meet people...he took her to a bbq at a mutual friend’s forth of July event...I did not go....then he invited her to his family’s summer vacation (I was never invited) and 2 weeks later he made them Facebook official....which is when I defriended him. It is almost 6 months for them. I say all this to explain the tapes...the tapes are usually about how much better he is now that he is with her...how him choosing her makes all the difference.....how her being different from me makes all the difference as well....and in the combination of those 2 thoughts....is where the images come up of how protective, loving, caring and kind their relationship is. How they are on a trajectory towards marriage. How he is giving up all the coping mechanisms he used with me...the checking out, the alcohol etc because he is in the relationship he wants to be in now. It doesn’t matter about his past short term relationships (his longest before me was around 6 months, he says) , it doesn’t matter what he did in the past because he is now in such a better place...and in that better place, he is now everything I had hoped to have. He is the exception to the FA curse.....or maybe I was wrong and he isn’t FA...maybe he is just ADHD but now he is getting treaded (this is all in my mind) and maybe he doesn’t use alcohol to avoid conflict etc. etc. All of this is compounded by the last time I saw him.....we were hanging out for his birthday....he brought over whiskey and I should have known he wanted to say something I would not like. He wasn’t as jokey as he had been and off the cuff mentioned that this girl said he should not hang out with me because he was just extending my hurt. Later that night, he reminded me we were just friends...and I started to cry. That night is a bit of a blur because I was so sad but these things stood out...he said...haven’t you ever been with someone you knew it was not going to be forever. He also reminded me that he tried to break up with me after 3 moths. He said he wasn’t so negative towards the other girl (who became his gf). He suggested I date a friend of his. He said he did not need to go to the community any more because he had his establish friends. It was as if he was trying to push me away. He did send me an IM in September, commenting on my profile picture and letting me know he was no longer going to attend the singles group because he had started a new bible study and had other obligations. I just miss him. I think at this point it doesn’t matter what the actual content of these tapes is. It matters that you recognize, when they start rolling. See if you can intercept the tape, and replace it with self love affirmations. At first it will be hard, but it will stick. Obviously at this point it’s not about the guy, it’s all about you. A good half of the content of the tapes is your fantasy. |
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Post by amber on Feb 14, 2020 19:09:39 GMT
You are getting bogged down with thoughts, trying to figure things out, etc.underneath these thoughts is likely a lot of sadness and anger, and because you keep making it about your ex, you can’t allow yourself to feel it, clear/process it, and start moving on. Emotions drive thoughts, not the other way around. Are you just doing talk therapy?
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