Post by helena on Feb 15, 2016 11:17:46 GMT
Dear Jeb and forum users,
I have recently read the book 'Avoidant. How to Love or Leave a Dismissive partner'. I needed to seek it out as I started experiencing difficulties in my relationship and noticed that we started arguing about the same thing. Here is my story:
My partner and I have been together for one year now. We first knew each other as acquaintances for about 6 months. There was attraction on both sides. Another party came up, we ended up talking more and falling for each other. He text me the next day and suggested that we meet up. He wasn't scared of anything and his messages and behaviour were always kind, romantic- I felt that he cared and I cared too. We went for a walk together and have been together since. He appeared very responsible, loving, definitely interested in me, a perfect gentleman. The past year has been filled with us tightening our bond together-met each other's families, spent Xmas with both of them to keep everyone happy. He is very helpful, loves doing things for me, shows his love more by being there, helping, doing things for me rather than with words. I value this more as I have been hurt in previous, unhappy relationship where my partner was better with words than actions. When I think about our first year I think of these 2 secure people who are over 30, really want to build their future together, have the same values, everything working fine. Here is what complicated everything:
Nine months into our relationship he needed to move for his job. He works as an academic and the right, permanent job came up 4 hours drive away from where we lived. He needed this as in the place where we met his contract was running out. At the time I was still tight to my current job for another year. He left in September 2015, we need to live apart until September 2016. I can follow him easier due to the nature of my work, whereas he needs a University with a particular focus which is trickier to find. This is fine by me and we set up plans for buying a house in the new location (now ongoing).
I think this situation triggered our 'real' attachment styles for both of us. I am going through a lot of stress at the moment. The separation triggered some worries in me- I thought this relationships is too good to be true and worried that he will leave me. He was able to reassure me and we got over this. The problems came later when I started missing things I first could not name. As we now have a long distance relationship, we are unable to do as many things for each other as before, we cannot show love through quality time and touch as often. I am good with words and he is not. I tried expressing this need of sometimes talking more about our emotions as now we mostly can only talk. We is capable of doing it and can say that he misses me or can text it. Exploring all of this was very painful to me- as I could not understand what I am missing. It was also difficult for him. To cut story short, I felt that there was something missing between us, did not understand what it was. We tried talking about this and as he found conversations really confusing, we ended up having one quite explosive weekend which was hurtful for us both. We were arguing and felt like cancelling the time together. We sat through it and when it ended I started exploring what could be played out.
I realised that I have a tendency to be preoccupied and he has one to be dismissive (our early experiences fit here perfectly). In our conversations he referred to being overwhelmed with this talk of emotion, feeling blank and not knowing what to say, he referred to not having any needs, became slightly cruel when I became upset and he could not cope with my emotions as he read what I was saying as me telling him off and being not happy with him. I realised that him not complimenting me might be due to more than inability to express himself. I often felt that he somehow had some control over me and that I felt inferior to him (but this could be me) although there is something about his narrative/behaviour that previously made me wonder whether he needs to make himself feel better/superior.
He has previously been heavily engaged in online dating and enjoyed the whole process- I am not surprised, he was able to engage in a lot of encounters which did not require him to be that close to newly met people. He is not able to reflect on his past relationships- thinks they did not work out for different reasons with each- I bet there was some commonality! He does not seem to have emotional memory, he is not self-aware but can say that he is the way he is and won't change. Our sex has always been great, but I think it's becoming routine for him now thus he initiates it less, whereas for me it provides this opportunity to be very close with him, which I enjoy and need... This is all very painful for me.
My only hope is that when we live together, things will work out and we will be able to again oscillate towards being secure. I might be fooling myself here. I am currently working through re-building our relationship to feel safe for both of us again following the explosive periods. This involves me noticing what his behaviour triggers in me and reflecting on it, sitting with the pain, but not being able to speak about it as I need to work towards making conversations manageable/secure again.
Is there hope for us? Can we be more secure if we work on our relationship? Hi defenses appear very high/rigid at times. I want to cry...
I have recently read the book 'Avoidant. How to Love or Leave a Dismissive partner'. I needed to seek it out as I started experiencing difficulties in my relationship and noticed that we started arguing about the same thing. Here is my story:
My partner and I have been together for one year now. We first knew each other as acquaintances for about 6 months. There was attraction on both sides. Another party came up, we ended up talking more and falling for each other. He text me the next day and suggested that we meet up. He wasn't scared of anything and his messages and behaviour were always kind, romantic- I felt that he cared and I cared too. We went for a walk together and have been together since. He appeared very responsible, loving, definitely interested in me, a perfect gentleman. The past year has been filled with us tightening our bond together-met each other's families, spent Xmas with both of them to keep everyone happy. He is very helpful, loves doing things for me, shows his love more by being there, helping, doing things for me rather than with words. I value this more as I have been hurt in previous, unhappy relationship where my partner was better with words than actions. When I think about our first year I think of these 2 secure people who are over 30, really want to build their future together, have the same values, everything working fine. Here is what complicated everything:
Nine months into our relationship he needed to move for his job. He works as an academic and the right, permanent job came up 4 hours drive away from where we lived. He needed this as in the place where we met his contract was running out. At the time I was still tight to my current job for another year. He left in September 2015, we need to live apart until September 2016. I can follow him easier due to the nature of my work, whereas he needs a University with a particular focus which is trickier to find. This is fine by me and we set up plans for buying a house in the new location (now ongoing).
I think this situation triggered our 'real' attachment styles for both of us. I am going through a lot of stress at the moment. The separation triggered some worries in me- I thought this relationships is too good to be true and worried that he will leave me. He was able to reassure me and we got over this. The problems came later when I started missing things I first could not name. As we now have a long distance relationship, we are unable to do as many things for each other as before, we cannot show love through quality time and touch as often. I am good with words and he is not. I tried expressing this need of sometimes talking more about our emotions as now we mostly can only talk. We is capable of doing it and can say that he misses me or can text it. Exploring all of this was very painful to me- as I could not understand what I am missing. It was also difficult for him. To cut story short, I felt that there was something missing between us, did not understand what it was. We tried talking about this and as he found conversations really confusing, we ended up having one quite explosive weekend which was hurtful for us both. We were arguing and felt like cancelling the time together. We sat through it and when it ended I started exploring what could be played out.
I realised that I have a tendency to be preoccupied and he has one to be dismissive (our early experiences fit here perfectly). In our conversations he referred to being overwhelmed with this talk of emotion, feeling blank and not knowing what to say, he referred to not having any needs, became slightly cruel when I became upset and he could not cope with my emotions as he read what I was saying as me telling him off and being not happy with him. I realised that him not complimenting me might be due to more than inability to express himself. I often felt that he somehow had some control over me and that I felt inferior to him (but this could be me) although there is something about his narrative/behaviour that previously made me wonder whether he needs to make himself feel better/superior.
He has previously been heavily engaged in online dating and enjoyed the whole process- I am not surprised, he was able to engage in a lot of encounters which did not require him to be that close to newly met people. He is not able to reflect on his past relationships- thinks they did not work out for different reasons with each- I bet there was some commonality! He does not seem to have emotional memory, he is not self-aware but can say that he is the way he is and won't change. Our sex has always been great, but I think it's becoming routine for him now thus he initiates it less, whereas for me it provides this opportunity to be very close with him, which I enjoy and need... This is all very painful for me.
My only hope is that when we live together, things will work out and we will be able to again oscillate towards being secure. I might be fooling myself here. I am currently working through re-building our relationship to feel safe for both of us again following the explosive periods. This involves me noticing what his behaviour triggers in me and reflecting on it, sitting with the pain, but not being able to speak about it as I need to work towards making conversations manageable/secure again.
Is there hope for us? Can we be more secure if we work on our relationship? Hi defenses appear very high/rigid at times. I want to cry...
