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Post by Helsbells on Feb 19, 2020 7:01:13 GMT
alexandra said it to me the other day. The shame is the attachment speaking. It’s not the truth. It wouldn’t have mattered what you did, the situation would have ended in a similar way. , Alexander is very wise and what she said about shame is so true. You are also right, it wouldn't have mattered what I said or didnt say,did or didnt do the shoe was always going to drop. This stuff is really painful all round. How are things with you, I hope your doing ok. Ps getting the drinking well under control, feel proud of myself for that at least. |
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Post by ik2020 on Feb 19, 2020 7:18:17 GMT
From what I've experienced manipulation comes from a place of anxiety and not engulfment. I know now my FA wasn't trying to control me when she vanished (not that it felt like that at the time whilst I was triggered anxious) she just needed to get away. I've experienced it myself with my current AP when she has been triggered extremely anxious. It's a feeling of complete overwhelm that shuts you down and you just need to escape.
That's not to say as an FA I don't manipulate. There's a lot of people pleasing and anxiety too. Plus trying to keep people at the right distance to avoid the engulfment. But when that engulfment does come I swing more into DA territory. My DA never seemed to be trying to manipulate me as she didn't need me to act in any particular way to be happy with herself.
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Regret
Feb 19, 2020 9:09:52 GMT
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 19, 2020 9:09:52 GMT
From what I've experienced manipulation comes from a place of anxiety and not engulfment. I know now my FA wasn't trying to control me when she vanished (not that it felt like that at the time whilst I was triggered anxious) she just needed to get away. I've experienced it myself with my current AP when she has been triggered extremely anxious. It's a feeling of complete overwhelm that shuts you down and you just need to escape. That's not to say as an FA I don't manipulate. There's a lot of people pleasing and anxiety too. Plus trying to keep people at the right distance to avoid the engulfment. But when that engulfment does come I swing more into DA territory. My DA never seemed to be trying to manipulate me as she didn't need me to act in any particular way to be happy with herself. Thank you ik2020 for your reply I really appreciate it. I have never manipulated in any off my previous relationships as I can be very avoidant too and my exs where either ap or secure or I wasn't really that into them. But this last one with a very FA man triggered me very anxious and like you I ended up in therapy and searching the internet for some answers and that is what led me to this amazing forum. I manipulated a lot in the middle off the relationship as I had alot of unmet needs. When I found this forum and started to do the inner work I can honestly say I stopped nearly all off that stuff and mainly acted secure/slightly avoidant myself and we spent the longest period of 6th months in the same house on the whole very peacefully. We were both drinking heavily and I feel that played out hugely on the last breakup. Not totally to blame but I got very emotional after what my ex said to me, not nasty just really upset and that was that. I got the usual text the day after saying he Hope's I find a man far more compatible than he is and he was blocking me on everything as he felt it was the kindest thing to do to help us both heal. I was unblocked about 10 days later and my ex was full of remorse and told me it was breaking his heart the hurt he had but me through. He continued to text me almost daily until I told him on valentines day he was a serious head fuck and that was it. He blocked me the minute he read that message. To say its been a rollercoaster is an understatement. I have since blocked him too but something tells me I probably haven't heard the last from him, so I'm really trying hard to focus on myself and potentially a new relationship as I know he still has power over me in some ways as I still love and care for him, but trying to care for myself first and foremost. |
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Post by ik2020 on Feb 19, 2020 9:42:18 GMT
Trying to care for yourself seems like a good plan. I'm really sorry you're going through so much pain... I guess it's something that a lot of us on here can empathise with. You've obviously done a lot of work and are very aware. Is your FA aware like you?
Interesting you mention the drinking. My AP and I just spent our first weekend abroad together in Barcelona (triggering for us both!) and we generally managed it well except the one night we both got drunk. Lot of stuff happened leading to a fairly big argument that we fortunately managed to work through when we had sobered up in the morning. I'm thinking I'll be avoiding alcohol in the future when I know there is a good chance of being triggered. It's just not a good mix for me.
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Post by anne12 on Feb 19, 2020 10:07:25 GMT
..."I'm thinking I'll be avoiding alcohol in the future when I know there is a good chance of being triggered. It's just not a good mix for me."
Sounds like a good plan.
Attatchment/trauma therapist's recommends that people limit their intake of alcohol when they are with their partner - expecially if you've got some trauma in your system. Getting into a trauma whirlwind while being drunk - bad cocktail.
Those fight, flight, freeze macanisms can kick your but and take you by surprice when getting drunk.
Even if the person you are with is a secure partner.
I have friends that have been to SE attatchment therapy (originally desorganised attatchment mixed with some da,secure and ap).
Now with a loving healthy caring secure man - the love of her life and her best friend - she has giving up drinking (she wasn't an alcoholic at all) because she doesn't want to damage her relationship.
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Regret
Feb 19, 2020 11:00:17 GMT
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 19, 2020 11:00:17 GMT
Trying to care for yourself seems like a good plan. I'm really sorry you're going through so much pain... I guess it's something that a lot of us on here can empathise with. You've obviously done a lot of work and are very aware. Is your FA aware like you? Interesting you mention the drinking. My AP and I just spent our first weekend abroad together in Barcelona (triggering for us both!) and we generally managed it well except the one night we both got drunk. Lot of stuff happened leading to a fairly big argument that we fortunately managed to work through when we had sobered up in the morning. I'm thinking I'll be avoiding alcohol in the future when I know there is a good chance of being triggered. It's just not a good mix for me. It's not a good mix and too insecures knocking it back was always a recipe for disaster. My Fa is not aware at all. I tried to talk a bit about my journey and what I had found out since becoming aware but he didnt appear interested. In fact he said god knows what bloody attachment I would be, I dont think theres a name for it yet and burst out laughing 🤭. |
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Regret
Feb 19, 2020 11:01:34 GMT
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 19, 2020 11:01:34 GMT
..."I'm thinking I'll be avoiding alcohol in the future when I know there is a good chance of being triggered. It's just not a good mix for me." Sounds like a good plan. Attatchment/trauma therapist's recommends that people limit their intake of alcohol when they are with their partner - expecially if you've got some trauma in your system. Getting into a trauma whirlwind while being drunk - bad cocktail. Those fight, flight, freeze macanisms can kick your but and take you by surprice when getting drunk. Even if the person you are with is a secure partner. I have friends that have been to SE attatchment therapy (originally desorganised attatchment mixed with some da,secure and ap). Now with a loving healthy caring secure man - the love of her life and her best friend - she has giving up drinking (she wasn't an alcoholic at all) because she doesn't want to damage her relationship. Well Alcohol has certainly cost us more than money. Something we are both aware off now 😪 |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 20, 2020 0:33:45 GMT
You spoke your truth- no regret in that. 💛 His immediate block just demonstrates why you feel the way you do. You called him out on his behavior and he knows it. Of course he knows his behavior is inappropriate. Hi faith, long time no speak. How are you doing. Are you still with your guy. I know you have called your guy out in the past and he has retreated. It does seem like its controlling. Mine doesn't appear to be able to handle any confrontational behaviour what so ever. He just runs away tries to replace me then runs back to me. It's a head wreck for sure. - Hi there 🙂 Yes, I was off the boards for some time. The DA did is dropping off again about 10 days ago. Like you predicted, I called him out - really just brought up some questions he didn’t want to answer. Too much for him. I do regret texting my thoughts- it never goes well and I promised myself I wouldn’t text anything in-depth, but I was feeling slightly triggered so I asked a question and after his first response, I asked another. He said he couldn’t do this right now and was going to bed. His triggered and dismissive response triggered me even more and instead of waiting for his delayed response, I texted him again that night and the next night. I’m sure he felt pressured, misunderstood and like he couldn’t please me. That night was the last I heard from him. I’m not even tempted to reach out. I understand he’s DA and I’ve given him a lot of leeway for that, but at some point I need to recognize that he refuses to step up. We were down to seeing each other once a month and he was admittedly depressed and feeling hopeless with a new ailment, his herniated disc. I feel sad that he won’t try, but I won’t miss the stonewalling. |
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Post by number9 on Feb 20, 2020 8:32:24 GMT
alexandra said it to me the other day. The shame is the attachment speaking. It’s not the truth. It wouldn’t have mattered what you did, the situation would have ended in a similar way. , Alexander is very wise and what she said about shame is so true. You are also right, it wouldn't have mattered what I said or didnt say,did or didnt do the shoe was always going to drop. This stuff is really painful all round. How are things with you, I hope your doing ok. Ps getting the drinking well under control, feel proud of myself for that at least. Dealing with a drinking thing is a HUGE success -- so many people need to sort that out. That is something to be very proud of! |
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 20, 2020 10:19:51 GMT
Hi faith, long time no speak. How are you doing. Are you still with your guy. I know you have called your guy out in the past and he has retreated. It does seem like its controlling. Mine doesn't appear to be able to handle any confrontational behaviour what so ever. He just runs away tries to replace me then runs back to me. It's a head wreck for sure. - Hi there 🙂 Yes, I was off the boards for some time. The DA did is dropping off again about 10 days ago. Like you predicted, I called him out - really just brought up some questions he didn’t want to answer. Too much for him. I do regret texting my thoughts- it never goes well and I promised myself I wouldn’t text anything in-depth, but I was feeling slightly triggered so I asked a question and after his first response, I asked another. He said he couldn’t do this right now and was going to bed. His triggered and dismissive response triggered me even more and instead of waiting for his delayed response, I texted him again that night and the next night. I’m sure he felt pressured, misunderstood and like he couldn’t please me. That night was the last I heard from him. I’m not even tempted to reach out. I understand he’s DA and I’ve given him a lot of leeway for that, but at some point I need to recognize that he refuses to step up. We were down to seeing each other once a month and he was admittedly depressed and feeling hopeless with a new ailment, his herniated disc. I feel sad that he won’t try, but I won’t miss the stonewalling. Lovely to hear from you faith, I'm sorry you are being stone walled again, it is awful trying to deal with all the triggers and emotions during radio silence. My nervous system cannot take it anymore. Giving my love and support to someone who can't or wont make a proper commitment and keeps one foot out the door has taken enough toll on me. Like you, I do regret texting, well what I said anyway, but all the pleasant texting without any real emotion or real honesty of feelings just made me blurt it out. Nobody likes stress in there lives, but a relationship needs healthy communication during stressful times, not hiding away for weeks on end leaving your partner out in the cold. Our relationship flowed providing it suited my exs needs. I rarely asked anything off him and never nagged, gave him so much space but it wasnt enough to stop him blind siding me and blocking me on everything. I've blocked him now and intend to focus on myself and my recovery. What are you going to do hun, you do deserve so much more than the crumbs he is only capable off giving you. None off this is easy by any means, I really loved my ex, but i have no choice and have to accept that as much as we both love each other we cant meet each others needs. Xx |
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