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Post by Helsbells on Feb 25, 2020 23:18:03 GMT
Anyone familiar with my story regarding relationship between me my my ex Fa knows how hard this journey has been for me..
My ex who I dearly love and care for has had a tendency to block and unblock me after me calling him out on some off his hurtful behaviours.
After he last blocked me, I just couldn't take this behaviour that appeared very childish so I just decided enough was enough and time to move on so I blocked him too on everything. Not something I have ever done before but trying to protect myself, that appeared the best thing to do.
The last few days he has contacted my daughter in quite a distraught way, and wondering why I am no longer talking to him, and how he doesn't hear from me. My daughter hasnt responded neither have I, but I cant help but be worried about this man. I have no animosity towards him, infact this recent behaviour is breaking my heart again. My heart breaks for us xx
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Post by mrob on Feb 26, 2020 4:16:00 GMT
When he leaves, there is no “us”. That’s the risk of deactivating.
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Post by serenity on Feb 26, 2020 5:45:37 GMT
Hels,
I want to say `lol, serves him right'
But I think I'd probably respond to a bid like that from someone with mental health issues. Maybe just a quick explanation and statement of your intentions via text, without getting into a conversation about it?
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 26, 2020 11:35:15 GMT
When he leaves, there is no “us”. That’s the risk of deactivating. Yes I am beginning to understand that now mrob. It is very sad and hard on all involved. I have to do what's best for me now and I have accepted the truth as painful as that may be. |
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 26, 2020 11:37:07 GMT
Hels, I want to say `lol, serves him right' But I think I'd probably respond to a bid like that from someone with mental health issues. Maybe just a quick explanation and statement of your intentions via text, without getting into a conversation about it? , I will give it some thought how best to respond without any finger pointing or hurt. What a mess hey 😟 |
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 26, 2020 12:53:24 GMT
That's a tough one, Helsbells
I used to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, and after I tried to go No Contact, she contacted my mother very distraught, which upset my mother, who contacted me. I decided best course of action was as Serenity said, I sent ex a quick message that I was fine, meant her no ill will, was just concentrating on my own healing and would no longer be in contact. I gave her an email address that I told her I only checked once in a while, and said if she really had something she needed to say to me she could do so there.
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 26, 2020 13:22:39 GMT
That's a tough one, Helsbells I used to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, and after I tried to go No Contact, she contacted my mother very distraught, which upset my mother, who contacted me. I decided best course of action was as Serenity said, I sent ex a quick message that I was fine, meant her no ill will, was just concentrating on my own healing and would no longer be in contact. I gave her an email address that I told her I only checked once in a while, and said if she really had something she needed to say to me she could do so there. Thank you lovebunny, it's so hard. I never wanted him to leave but he was in deactivation, I truly dont believe he really wanted to leave but as he was living with me didnt know what else to do. He is a fearful avoidant but we became best friends over the two years we were together so it's all so very difficult and lots of emotions still attached to each other. I know I cant be worth him the way things are but when he reaches out I am always pleased to hear from him. Going to not react to anything right now and keep focusing on myself. Thanks again x |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 26, 2020 14:22:43 GMT
Anyone familiar with my story regarding relationship between me my my ex Fa knows how hard this journey has been for me.. My ex who I dearly love and care for has had a tendency to block and unblock me after me calling him out on some off his hurtful behaviours. After he last blocked me, I just couldn't take this behaviour that appeared very childish so I just decided enough was enough and time to move on so I blocked him too on everything. Not something I have ever done before but trying to protect myself, that appeared the best thing to do. The last few days he has contacted my daughter in quite a distraught way, and wondering why I am no longer talking to him, and how he doesn't hear from me. My daughter hasnt responded neither have I, but I cant help but be worried about this man. I have no animosity towards him, infact this recent behaviour is breaking my heart again. My heart breaks for us xx He has to see and feel the consequences of his actions, and he needs to then make the decision of if he wants to make changes, or continue down that same path. We all come to these decisions on our own, usually when we hit our own personal rock bottom. Don't rescue him or worry about him. He has to learn to worry about himself above all. I know it's an emotional tug of war for you to see him that way, but I reminded myself that me rescuing him was me also enabling him to never make any changes. Change is hard, it's painful and it's scary, but we all have to grow up at some point. Mother birds shove their babies out to teach them to fly, they don't carry them and hope they learn. |
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 26, 2020 14:54:25 GMT
Anyone familiar with my story regarding relationship between me my my ex Fa knows how hard this journey has been for me.. My ex who I dearly love and care for has had a tendency to block and unblock me after me calling him out on some off his hurtful behaviours. After he last blocked me, I just couldn't take this behaviour that appeared very childish so I just decided enough was enough and time to move on so I blocked him too on everything. Not something I have ever done before but trying to protect myself, that appeared the best thing to do. The last few days he has contacted my daughter in quite a distraught way, and wondering why I am no longer talking to him, and how he doesn't hear from me. My daughter hasnt responded neither have I, but I cant help but be worried about this man. I have no animosity towards him, infact this recent behaviour is breaking my heart again. My heart breaks for us xx He has to see and feel the consequences of his actions, and he needs to then make the decision of if he wants to make changes, or continue down that same path. We all come to these decisions on our own, usually when we hit our own personal rock bottom. Don't rescue him or worry about him. He has to learn to worry about himself above all. I know it's an emotional tug of war for you to see him that way, but I reminded myself that me rescuing him was me also enabling him to never make any changes. Change is hard, it's painful and it's scary, but we all have to grow up at some point. Mother birds shove their babies out to teach them to fly, they don't carry them and hope they learn. , he is unaware of why he does what he does so hopefully one day he will go within and try to help himself. I am not going to rescue him, he is 46 and can do that for himself. I need to focus on me now, that's the only thing that I can change. Thanks for your reply and I hope your doing good. |
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Post by nyc718 on Feb 26, 2020 17:23:44 GMT
He has to see and feel the consequences of his actions, and he needs to then make the decision of if he wants to make changes, or continue down that same path. We all come to these decisions on our own, usually when we hit our own personal rock bottom. Don't rescue him or worry about him. He has to learn to worry about himself above all. I know it's an emotional tug of war for you to see him that way, but I reminded myself that me rescuing him was me also enabling him to never make any changes. Change is hard, it's painful and it's scary, but we all have to grow up at some point. Mother birds shove their babies out to teach them to fly, they don't carry them and hope they learn. , he is unaware of why he does what he does so hopefully one day he will go within and try to help himself. I am not going to rescue him, he is 46 and can do that for himself. I need to focus on me now, that's the only thing that I can change. Thanks for your reply and I hope your doing good. We're all unaware at some point until something helped us become aware. Yes, focus on you, and that alone could help him want to look inside of himself when he sees the changes in you. Stand strong! |
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Post by serenity on Feb 26, 2020 21:07:49 GMT
Hels, I want to say `lol, serves him right' But I think I'd probably respond to a bid like that from someone with mental health issues. Maybe just a quick explanation and statement of your intentions via text, without getting into a conversation about it? , I will give it some thought how best to respond without any finger pointing or hurt. What a mess hey 😟 For sure  And you are still very vulnerable and full of care for him; the last thing you need is to be manipulated back into another painful cycle right now. You really need to buy yourself some time before deciding if you wish to interact with him again. I'd only forward a statement if you are concerned about him self harming. I guess I'm mindful of that because my Narc mother's last bf committed suicide when she suddenly discarded and stonewalled him after 18 months. He didn't seem BPD, but he was very sensitive and had mental health issues. Some people just can't take stonewalling. On the other hand, you'd have to judge if he's just trying to reel you back in and evade facing consequences for his mistreatment of you...which seems to be part of his MO. Its a tough call for sure. Glad you are feeling strong and committed to your own wellbeing <3 |
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Post by iz42 on Feb 26, 2020 23:27:07 GMT
serenity , I will give it some thought how best to respond without any finger pointing or hurt. What a mess hey 😟 For sure And you are still very vulnerable and full of care for him; the last thing you need is to be manipulated back into another painful cycle right now. You really need to buy yourself some time before deciding if you wish to interact with him again. I'd only forward a statement if you are concerned about him self harming. I guess I'm mindful of that because my Narc mother's last bf committed suicide when she suddenly discarded and stonewalled him after 18 months. He didn't seem BPD, but he was very sensitive and had mental health issues. Some people just can't take stonewalling. On the other hand, you'd have to judge if he's just trying to reel you back in and evade facing consequences for his mistreatment of you...which seems to be part of his MO. Its a tough call for sure. Glad you are feeling strong and committed to your own wellbeing <3 This seems different to me as in hellsbells case, *he* was the one who initiated the stonewalling, and it sounds like he's done so in the past as well. I wouldn't assume that someone is suicidal just because they are trying to reach me after I blocked them in a toxic cycle. but I suppose it's important to tread lightly around self-harm. Is that something he has had a history with? Perhaps I missed it in the thread. I would say that if you're afraid he'll keep reaching out to your daughter or bothering other friends/relatives, it might be best to have her respond and say that you are focusing on taking care of yourself and want him to stop contacting you and your loved ones. You don't need a long explanation. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 27, 2020 0:24:32 GMT
Part of all insecure attachment is poor boundaries, be it too rigid or non existent. I would see someone trying to contact me through my family as offensive. Stalkerish, and I wouldn’t tolerate it. Surely even if somewhere is unaware of attachment, they are aware that if they block someone, then it’s Game Over, or it is it still a numbers game in the chasing stakes? Either way, it stinks of entitlement. Not my thing.
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 27, 2020 11:16:23 GMT
He told me he use to cut himself when he was younger. I think he just uses alcohol and gaming now to stuff this stuff down. Not very helpful if your wanting a healthy relationship.
My heart hurts for him, but I cant put myself through another round as hes done nothing to change.
I think he just wants to take up with me again where we left off.
I hope and pray for him as he's not a bad person, this relationship has taught me so much about myself and I never thought I would say this, but I'm truly grateful now.
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And you are still very vulnerable and full of care for him; the last thing you need is to be manipulated back into another painful cycle right now. You really need to buy yourself some time before deciding if you wish to interact with him again.