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Post by serenity on Feb 29, 2020 5:25:00 GMT
For sure. Feeling sorry and anxious about abandonment doesn't mean they won't continue to inflict harm. Hels, the very first FA I dated after my SO passed away swung very anxious after our break up too. I allowed him to contact me because of his depression and mental health issues, but I didn't have any private in person contact for over a year. I think it probably took me over a year to feel detoxed from the trauma bond I had formed. Even now, I feel he probably could re-seduce me if I was drinking or spent too much time with him, so I keep our friendship mainly about our common interests, and mental health support. He has become a very stable and appreciative friend. He does try to cycle back at times, and I think its mainly because he's so lonely and unsuccessful with women, and he can idealize my unavailability. I treat him very kindly when he gets like that, but I would never want to have a romantic relationship with him again. Its was one of the most traumatic relationships I'd ever experienced. My counsellor said he believes my break up with my ex was quite traumatic. I’d have to agree. My previous breakups with my other two ex’s were nothing like this. It’s absolutely awful, the grief. Good on you serenity for staying away from this man, that would be so hard. I have temptation to reach out to my ex but know that will set me back. Hugs Amber, Thank you <3 Like a noob I rebounded 4 months later to another avoidant for 15 months. He was very different..a childhood sexual abuse and trauma victim, rather than an `Andy Warhol style schizoid', like the first. I can only think I needed a lot more time before dating again, as when the deactivation came after the honeymoon, I didn't have it in me to run like I normally would have. FA's do really have different styles. I agree with what Alexandra said, that their cycling depends on personality traits, their level of loneliness, and their underlying mental health issues. Some won't cycle back any time soon if they aren't lonely. But in my experiences, if you have loved them well they will occasionally try, sometimes years later, and will continue to try for many years if you associate with them in any way. I would expect that some day you will get an apology and some acknowledgment of how good you were to him. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 29, 2020 7:06:17 GMT
ocarina FEAR = f$&@ everything and run or Face Everything And Recover. There seems to be no road around all this. No easier, softer way. I’ve cycled fully with one woman, and that brought me here, but if I’d had less pride or more of a sense of entitlement I would have cycled with more. I’ve had two women cycle with me, one of which it takes everything in me not to contact. That being said, there are women I’m happy not to see again.
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 29, 2020 11:25:34 GMT
My experience was trying to make sense off something that didnt make sense. How could someone be all in an loved up one minute, then very calmly and coldly clear all there belongings and move out, block you on everything then within less than 2 weeks want to establish contact and be so sorry for all the hurt they have caused. It still knocks me even though I am more aware. For sure. Feeling sorry and anxious about abandonment doesn't mean they won't continue to inflict harm. Hels, the very first FA I dated after my SO passed away swung very anxious after our break up too. I allowed him to contact me because of his depression and mental health issues, but I didn't have any private in person contact for over a year. I think it probably took me over a year to feel detoxed from the trauma bond I had formed. Even now, I feel he probably could re-seduce me if I was drinking or spent too much time with him, so I keep our friendship mainly about our common interests, and mental health support. He has become a very stable and appreciative friend. He does try to cycle back at times, and I think its mainly because he's so lonely and unsuccessful with women, and he can idealize my unavailability. I treat him very kindly when he gets like that, but I would never want to have a romantic relationship with him again. Its was one of the most traumatic relationships I'd ever experienced. , Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My own Trauma bond played out massively for the real first time in my life with my ex FA. I obviously had some experiences over the years, but nothing that led me to search for answers on the internet and knock my self esteem so much. I will heed your warning and set solid boundaries around this relationship. I have to be mindful of my own isolating as loneliness is very dangerous for me right now. Time to try and deal with my own fear around friendships and having healthy ones. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 29, 2020 17:06:31 GMT
So I am assuming the last part of the subject sentence is...."is not FA"? I am no expert and really have only personal experiences with the only 2 FAs I have ever known-my ex and my very close friend (also male). I don't know what the diagnostic criteria are (i.e. is cycling back REQUIRED) but I can tell you they are both extremely different about cycling back despite both being FA. My ex cycles back to his exes like crazy-he asked his ex wife for the divorce and then begged for her back after several months apart. Typical stuff that you read on here. BUT my close friend, he hardly EVER cycles back despite being an FA. From what I understand from my reading (and it makes intuitive sense), there is a spectrum of attachment ranging from being an extreme dismissive avoidant to an extreme anxious preoccupied. Obviously we all know (in the FA section here) that an FA experiences both of the ends of this range of attachment, but that is also on a spectrum. My ex I assume was just probably more on the anxious side (aka that fear of abandonment is just strong in him)and my friend is more on the DA side. Now my friend, he is FA as well (always tells me how when someone gets close he just wants to "get away" but utterly craves human connection, had bad childhood trauma, all that), but just lands more on the avoidant side. Someone has to trigger him extremely anxious (like a woman who was way more FA than he was and he has not been able to get over her for FIVE YEARS despite having been together for 9 months). All the other women he sees, once he deactivates and that chill settles in, he is basically done. He may dip his toe in by "liking" something on instagram of theirs, but that's not with all his exes and it's really not a cycle (interestingly, what he DOES do is like really keep up with his exes by checking their instagrams, reading old texts, stuff they would never, ever know about. He will reminisce a LOT but they will never know and this only happens after he is sure they are gone for good). I think the key to the cycling back (or the being triggered anxious) is how he would describe it as "If I'm afraid someone is going to leave me, it's so horrible.". BUT if he knows the person "wants a relationship" with him, it's just a matter of time before he can't take that anymore and he is out. And for him, he just won't look back. There is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt he carries around about this stuff, so that's a part of why he doesn't go back as well. So i guess in my experience, my one friend is more on the avoidant side so he will behave more like a DA and my ex is more anxious so he behaves more AP but BOTH sides are there-at least in the beginning before the attachment stuff starts to really kick in. I don't necessarily think that cycling is required but I don't have any qualifications to say so Thank you...this does explain things well...and I agree that B with me was more avoidant. He told me he only dated women who pursued him, he was never the pursuer. He did cycle back only once to the woman who was his baby’s mom, 5 years after he broke up with her....but then she broke up with him. I still occasionally wrestle with my innate perspective that he left me because of a flaw in me as opposed to it being something about him and I really, really dislike how our last visit went....I really did not handle things in my best self (and I even sent him a note to that effect that he did not respond to). Y mind plays all kinda tricks on me...that he isn’t FA, that all his stuff was just a result of not being with the right partner.....and I don’t know why I find it more palatable to blame myself....to wish to be something other than who I am and a sense of failure for not being able to mirror his level of interest. I am in a place of exploring feelings to try to get some level of resolution because I still grind my teeth, I still wake up feeling sad/angry and I still clench my fist...so something is up....I just can’t get to the root of it all. |
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Post by amber on Mar 1, 2020 22:04:16 GMT
My counsellor said he believes my break up with my ex was quite traumatic. I’d have to agree. My previous breakups with my other two ex’s were nothing like this. It’s absolutely awful, the grief. Good on you serenity for staying away from this man, that would be so hard. I have temptation to reach out to my ex but know that will set me back. Hugs Amber, Thank you <3 Like a noob I rebounded 4 months later to another avoidant for 15 months. He was very different..a childhood sexual abuse and trauma victim, rather than an `Andy Warhol style schizoid', like the first. I can only think I needed a lot more time before dating again, as when the deactivation came after the honeymoon, I didn't have it in me to run like I normally would have. FA's do really have different styles. I agree with what Alexandra said, that their cycling depends on personality traits, their level of loneliness, and their underlying mental health issues. Some won't cycle back any time soon if they aren't lonely. But in my experiences, if you have loved them well they will occasionally try, sometimes years later, and will continue to try for many years if you associate with them in any way. I would expect that some day you will get an apology and some acknowledgment of how good you were to him. Thanks serenity. He did apologise many times after the breakup and acknowledged how much growth he had from being with me, how insightful I was into issues etc.so at least that’s something. I doubt he’ll cycle back, which is fine, as I told him I didn’t want a friendship and he’s not the type to cross boundaries or swallow his pride and make contact. |
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