Post by BecomingMe on Feb 29, 2020 12:40:15 GMT
First of all, thank you so so much for this amazing community and for taking the time to read my text below 
I am a 34y old female who is an FA(but also have a lot of DA tendencies outside of romantic relationships). I came across attachment theory after my break-up with my DA ex, which happened about 5 months ago. We dated for about 3 months and I went No-Contact after the break-up.
A little background about me - a childhood that was emotionally and physically abusive due to a mother who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, abusive marriage of 5 years which also left me with huge triggers when it came to sex(my ex-husband withheld sex and would physically reject me a lot of time). My marriage ended about 3 years ago and I've been to therapy as well, which helped really let people into my life and get over thoughts of how people are usually untrustworthy. I never really dated anyone seriously during this period.
It was around this time that I met my DA-ex. In a lot of ways he was like me. Driven and successful, but also someone who needed space and time like I did and at some level I got him. However, he also made me anxious and not having any understanding of attachment theory I could not understand why I was trying so hard with this man. Things seemed good for about 2 months, around the 3 month mark I told him I liked him, to which his reaction was to physically distance himself from me. He literally got up and put distance between us, which I now understand. However, at that moment my FA brain went into a tailspin (this coupled with my ex-husband's behavior of doing the same thing) made me feel very unsafe at that moment and I quickly left his place without an explanation. Things went downhill quickly from here- I reached out more and he distanced himself more until 2 weeks later, he broke up with me. I couldn't explain to him how I felt because my brain has just shut down.
With all this knowledge of attachment and how it plays out, I can see how things escalated and how both of us absolutely did not try to repair the relationship, each only looking to soothe the self. Understanding DA attachment especially made me see his side of things. I usually don't reach out to my ex'es( I haven't dated that many men either lol) but the sense of safety I had with my DA-ex made me think, maybe I should try and give things another shot. I haven't told him any of this yet. I only wanted to test the waters and see if he was ok to talk to me first. Its been about 4 weeks since I reached out to him(with me doing most of the initiation of communication). we've only texted(not had a phone call yet) and the texts been very sporadic.
Every time I do reach, my FA brain seems to become super anxious and go into a spiral of telling me how its usually me that's reaching out and how he isn't interested and that I should stop. He has texted me on his own only once and has mentioned twice that we should meet up. I fully intend to tell him how I feel when we meet. At this point, I want to take things slow to see if he reaches out and actually sets up a time and place to meet(to show intent) and that way giving me some sense of safety.
My question to my fellow FA's who fear rejection is - ha'e you ever reached out to DAs knowing there could be a potential re-rejection waiting for you there? And how have you handled these harsh voices that say "he isn't interested back off", "stop intruding on his space", "he is only patronizing you because he probably feels guilty for breaking up with you". I am trying to be brave(in the face of rejection which is a huge fear for me) and reach out while at the same time somehow mind-read his intentions and give him the space he needs and to let it all just drop if he shows no interest.
I am a 34y old female who is an FA(but also have a lot of DA tendencies outside of romantic relationships). I came across attachment theory after my break-up with my DA ex, which happened about 5 months ago. We dated for about 3 months and I went No-Contact after the break-up.
A little background about me - a childhood that was emotionally and physically abusive due to a mother who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, abusive marriage of 5 years which also left me with huge triggers when it came to sex(my ex-husband withheld sex and would physically reject me a lot of time). My marriage ended about 3 years ago and I've been to therapy as well, which helped really let people into my life and get over thoughts of how people are usually untrustworthy. I never really dated anyone seriously during this period.
It was around this time that I met my DA-ex. In a lot of ways he was like me. Driven and successful, but also someone who needed space and time like I did and at some level I got him. However, he also made me anxious and not having any understanding of attachment theory I could not understand why I was trying so hard with this man. Things seemed good for about 2 months, around the 3 month mark I told him I liked him, to which his reaction was to physically distance himself from me. He literally got up and put distance between us, which I now understand. However, at that moment my FA brain went into a tailspin (this coupled with my ex-husband's behavior of doing the same thing) made me feel very unsafe at that moment and I quickly left his place without an explanation. Things went downhill quickly from here- I reached out more and he distanced himself more until 2 weeks later, he broke up with me. I couldn't explain to him how I felt because my brain has just shut down.
With all this knowledge of attachment and how it plays out, I can see how things escalated and how both of us absolutely did not try to repair the relationship, each only looking to soothe the self. Understanding DA attachment especially made me see his side of things. I usually don't reach out to my ex'es( I haven't dated that many men either lol) but the sense of safety I had with my DA-ex made me think, maybe I should try and give things another shot. I haven't told him any of this yet. I only wanted to test the waters and see if he was ok to talk to me first. Its been about 4 weeks since I reached out to him(with me doing most of the initiation of communication). we've only texted(not had a phone call yet) and the texts been very sporadic.
Every time I do reach, my FA brain seems to become super anxious and go into a spiral of telling me how its usually me that's reaching out and how he isn't interested and that I should stop. He has texted me on his own only once and has mentioned twice that we should meet up. I fully intend to tell him how I feel when we meet. At this point, I want to take things slow to see if he reaches out and actually sets up a time and place to meet(to show intent) and that way giving me some sense of safety.
My question to my fellow FA's who fear rejection is - ha'e you ever reached out to DAs knowing there could be a potential re-rejection waiting for you there? And how have you handled these harsh voices that say "he isn't interested back off", "stop intruding on his space", "he is only patronizing you because he probably feels guilty for breaking up with you". I am trying to be brave(in the face of rejection which is a huge fear for me) and reach out while at the same time somehow mind-read his intentions and give him the space he needs and to let it all just drop if he shows no interest.
I think you've done great staying away for 5 months.