Post by inspiring on Aug 28, 2017 15:41:56 GMT
I'm writing here without any concrete question. I just want to share my experience with fellows but I appreciate any comment - whatever it is that comes to your mind while reading this.
I broke up with my DA partner a week ago. I was sensing all the time that something must have been really wrong but only four days before I broke up I came across the terminology of dismissive-avoidant attachment style which characteristics are so matching my (ex-)partner's behaviour.
We were together for seven months. We did long-distance and had 600 km between us. He pursued me, and I appreciated him very much because of his gentleness, certain shyness but also his strength to make his point at the same time. I loved his love in his heart. He seemed very self-aware and grown-up. He studied psychology and is a coach for communication (focus: anger management). He took me as I am and didn't want anything from he. He didn't want to change me. That was new for me, and I appreciated that very much. We had mutual love for each other and for other passions such as music. Furthermore, we looked at life the same way and shared a lot of virtues. Everything seemed perfect and I was very grateful (I still am) that we met.
He was quite quick in treating this as a serious relationship and not just a casual fun-thing. He was very caring and open about his feelings, texted me daily since the moment we made love for the first time (which he pushed forward very much). Then I had the feeling that something had changed. First I thought it was about me, my own fear to have done it too soon without having him worked harder to show me that he truly cares about me. Then I sensed that he had a fear that this might become too serious or today I would call it too close. He was with a woman for 17 years. They have two kids together. The break-up was 10 years ago. I was the first woman he started a relationship after the break-up. In between he only had few sexual partners. This all seemed appealing, sincere, and very noble to me at first sight. Anyway, communication slowed down. When we saw each other again two weeks afterwards, he was as loving as always. There was no doubt that he was interested in me. However, I told him my worries that he might not sure about us because he rarely reacted on my messages anymore. He was very understanding, acknowledged my pain and did better afterwards.
We rarely saw each other because his kids lived mostly with him, and I wasn't introduced to them. I didn't want to push him in this regard because I could understand that he wants to be absolutely sure about us before he would take this step. We had a very loving and intense time when we were together. We hit it off intellectually, spiritually and physically. Unlike what I've read so far, my partner very much enjoyed sexuality. It was always initiated by him. We made love a lot, and it was very sensual.
Our communication was also good when we're apart until the first (tiny) conflict came up. Then he gave me his first silent treatment which could only be resolved in person. Fortunately, we had been on to see each other. He said he didn't react because of pressure at work and with the kids. He had never intended to hurt me, and I could trust him. I furthermore asked him what he was scared of, and he admitted "to lose my freedom". To my question why he tried to pursue a relationship now with me he answered because he didn't know maybe because he didn't see me every week. He wanted to show me that I'm important to him, and he really made an effort at this weekend and a couple of weeks afterwards.
The next and last period he ghosted me lasted five weeks. I gave him a break for a couple of days between my messages which were not angry, only about my intention to clarify something, and he could tell me which kind of communication would be safe for him, or if he needed space, or he could just drop me brief line if he doesn't want to communicate with me at all anymore. Because meanwhile I had read the book "Hold me tight" which he bought after we met. It helped me to keep open instead of distancing me from him by sending messages of anger or even ending the relationship. But when he blocked me on WhatsApp, my patience and stamina came finally to an end. I called him 30 times that day and sent him messages that he should be fair and tell me if he wants to break up. Finally he replied by saying he was on holiday, and he would call me after his return to home. For now he wanted to be left in peace. He didn't call after his return.
Then I decided to make the effort to travel to his place because there was still something inside of me which believed this is not just asholery. There was always a spark of love and the faith in his sincere personality left. I know that showing up unannounced is the worst that can happen to a DA but that was not about him. That was about my needs for a change. I needed clarity, and I was prepared for all kind of reactions from his side. He was in absolute shock and accused me to do such a thing. He blamed my behaviour without any rational arguments for his decision to block me. But the talk turned into a constructive direction. He didn't acted like this to make me break up with him. He didn't want to break up. Every time I mentioned a possible end of our relationship, his eyes were filled with tears.He admitted that he had a problem with closeness, and that this was the reason that he had left his wife. It is not about me. That's something he has to handle, and he was sorry that I had been affected by his problem. He was on for a mini-break and had to leave so he promised me to call me to arrange something. He called but I was already asleep. My call back didn't succeeded.
But actually I already had enough information which I needed. It suddenly dawned on me - dismissive avoidant attachment style. I revisited my studies of attachment style theory, and there I could find it all: the not answering concrete questions, keeping things vague about next meetings, the ghosting, the high discipline, the letting me down when I was in distress, the non-joining my official events with friends, the strong independence (He is very successful in everything what he does. He's self-employed. He said once, no one could tell him how to live his life.), the problems with physical closeness (That was only minor....it was possible when initiated by him, but when I grabbed his hand, he didn't reciprocate. Sexuality was close and passionate). Also his empathy for me when I was around and his empathetic style to raise his children do not live up to DA-characteristics. He neither critisized me, and he is very able to reflect critically on his own behaviour followed by apologies.
However, after still not having heard from him, I finally decided to end it. I wrote a loving good-bye letter, in which I ended the relationship, stated my reasons, gave him my gratitude, my love and my best wishes for him. I left it in his mailbox. When I was on my way back home, I sent him a SMS saying that I was sorry, but I was not able to do that anymore, and that it was over. Then (without having read my letter) his big confession of love came that he was so sorry about everything. He wrote that he wasn't able to make me happy and I deserved much better. He admitted that he had realized that he was not able to have a relationship at that moment of his life. He loves me from the bottom of his heart. That was the first time he phrased his love in these concrete words. I told him about my letter in his mailbox, and only a couple of minutes later he wrote that he had to cry and that he loved me. The I love you came three times in total...and that he is so sorry.
Although it is very painful to see that love from both sides is not enough, I'm very grateful that he confessed it. It gives me some peace but I'm still heart-broken. And honestly, it still feels unfinished.
A couple of days later I wrote him a letter, in which I offer my support in case he wants to change. He doesn't have to, he shouldn't do it for me, I can't change him, and I don't want to change him. Only he can want and achieve that by the support of others. But I could only be on his side if he or we seek professional help. And I will only do it up to an extend where I can keep my own integrity and well-being. I will not give myself up. I also mentioned that I don't expect an answer, and that I don't have any ultimatum for this decision on my mind. I only wanted to let him know my love and my thoughts.
We shall see. I anyway have to take care of myself first. I'm on the blurry boundary between preoccupied and secure, but my (ex-)partner's behaviours moved me definitely more in the preoccupied corner recently. At the same time I can't let go our love right now due to his ability to reflect on his own behaviour as well as his eager to reach out for knowledge and growth.
I broke up with my DA partner a week ago. I was sensing all the time that something must have been really wrong but only four days before I broke up I came across the terminology of dismissive-avoidant attachment style which characteristics are so matching my (ex-)partner's behaviour.
We were together for seven months. We did long-distance and had 600 km between us. He pursued me, and I appreciated him very much because of his gentleness, certain shyness but also his strength to make his point at the same time. I loved his love in his heart. He seemed very self-aware and grown-up. He studied psychology and is a coach for communication (focus: anger management). He took me as I am and didn't want anything from he. He didn't want to change me. That was new for me, and I appreciated that very much. We had mutual love for each other and for other passions such as music. Furthermore, we looked at life the same way and shared a lot of virtues. Everything seemed perfect and I was very grateful (I still am) that we met.
He was quite quick in treating this as a serious relationship and not just a casual fun-thing. He was very caring and open about his feelings, texted me daily since the moment we made love for the first time (which he pushed forward very much). Then I had the feeling that something had changed. First I thought it was about me, my own fear to have done it too soon without having him worked harder to show me that he truly cares about me. Then I sensed that he had a fear that this might become too serious or today I would call it too close. He was with a woman for 17 years. They have two kids together. The break-up was 10 years ago. I was the first woman he started a relationship after the break-up. In between he only had few sexual partners. This all seemed appealing, sincere, and very noble to me at first sight. Anyway, communication slowed down. When we saw each other again two weeks afterwards, he was as loving as always. There was no doubt that he was interested in me. However, I told him my worries that he might not sure about us because he rarely reacted on my messages anymore. He was very understanding, acknowledged my pain and did better afterwards.
We rarely saw each other because his kids lived mostly with him, and I wasn't introduced to them. I didn't want to push him in this regard because I could understand that he wants to be absolutely sure about us before he would take this step. We had a very loving and intense time when we were together. We hit it off intellectually, spiritually and physically. Unlike what I've read so far, my partner very much enjoyed sexuality. It was always initiated by him. We made love a lot, and it was very sensual.
Our communication was also good when we're apart until the first (tiny) conflict came up. Then he gave me his first silent treatment which could only be resolved in person. Fortunately, we had been on to see each other. He said he didn't react because of pressure at work and with the kids. He had never intended to hurt me, and I could trust him. I furthermore asked him what he was scared of, and he admitted "to lose my freedom". To my question why he tried to pursue a relationship now with me he answered because he didn't know maybe because he didn't see me every week. He wanted to show me that I'm important to him, and he really made an effort at this weekend and a couple of weeks afterwards.
The next and last period he ghosted me lasted five weeks. I gave him a break for a couple of days between my messages which were not angry, only about my intention to clarify something, and he could tell me which kind of communication would be safe for him, or if he needed space, or he could just drop me brief line if he doesn't want to communicate with me at all anymore. Because meanwhile I had read the book "Hold me tight" which he bought after we met. It helped me to keep open instead of distancing me from him by sending messages of anger or even ending the relationship. But when he blocked me on WhatsApp, my patience and stamina came finally to an end. I called him 30 times that day and sent him messages that he should be fair and tell me if he wants to break up. Finally he replied by saying he was on holiday, and he would call me after his return to home. For now he wanted to be left in peace. He didn't call after his return.
Then I decided to make the effort to travel to his place because there was still something inside of me which believed this is not just asholery. There was always a spark of love and the faith in his sincere personality left. I know that showing up unannounced is the worst that can happen to a DA but that was not about him. That was about my needs for a change. I needed clarity, and I was prepared for all kind of reactions from his side. He was in absolute shock and accused me to do such a thing. He blamed my behaviour without any rational arguments for his decision to block me. But the talk turned into a constructive direction. He didn't acted like this to make me break up with him. He didn't want to break up. Every time I mentioned a possible end of our relationship, his eyes were filled with tears.He admitted that he had a problem with closeness, and that this was the reason that he had left his wife. It is not about me. That's something he has to handle, and he was sorry that I had been affected by his problem. He was on for a mini-break and had to leave so he promised me to call me to arrange something. He called but I was already asleep. My call back didn't succeeded.
But actually I already had enough information which I needed. It suddenly dawned on me - dismissive avoidant attachment style. I revisited my studies of attachment style theory, and there I could find it all: the not answering concrete questions, keeping things vague about next meetings, the ghosting, the high discipline, the letting me down when I was in distress, the non-joining my official events with friends, the strong independence (He is very successful in everything what he does. He's self-employed. He said once, no one could tell him how to live his life.), the problems with physical closeness (That was only minor....it was possible when initiated by him, but when I grabbed his hand, he didn't reciprocate. Sexuality was close and passionate). Also his empathy for me when I was around and his empathetic style to raise his children do not live up to DA-characteristics. He neither critisized me, and he is very able to reflect critically on his own behaviour followed by apologies.
However, after still not having heard from him, I finally decided to end it. I wrote a loving good-bye letter, in which I ended the relationship, stated my reasons, gave him my gratitude, my love and my best wishes for him. I left it in his mailbox. When I was on my way back home, I sent him a SMS saying that I was sorry, but I was not able to do that anymore, and that it was over. Then (without having read my letter) his big confession of love came that he was so sorry about everything. He wrote that he wasn't able to make me happy and I deserved much better. He admitted that he had realized that he was not able to have a relationship at that moment of his life. He loves me from the bottom of his heart. That was the first time he phrased his love in these concrete words. I told him about my letter in his mailbox, and only a couple of minutes later he wrote that he had to cry and that he loved me. The I love you came three times in total...and that he is so sorry.
Although it is very painful to see that love from both sides is not enough, I'm very grateful that he confessed it. It gives me some peace but I'm still heart-broken. And honestly, it still feels unfinished.
A couple of days later I wrote him a letter, in which I offer my support in case he wants to change. He doesn't have to, he shouldn't do it for me, I can't change him, and I don't want to change him. Only he can want and achieve that by the support of others. But I could only be on his side if he or we seek professional help. And I will only do it up to an extend where I can keep my own integrity and well-being. I will not give myself up. I also mentioned that I don't expect an answer, and that I don't have any ultimatum for this decision on my mind. I only wanted to let him know my love and my thoughts.
We shall see. I anyway have to take care of myself first. I'm on the blurry boundary between preoccupied and secure, but my (ex-)partner's behaviours moved me definitely more in the preoccupied corner recently. At the same time I can't let go our love right now due to his ability to reflect on his own behaviour as well as his eager to reach out for knowledge and growth.
