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Post by tnr9 on Apr 7, 2020 14:19:13 GMT
It's only been a few days since I sent the 2nd email. It's that I see now that a lot of sites advise against initiating contact with such a serious message. Of course I wouldn't send a light-hearted text for a few weeks if I did send it. Can you let this go for now and focus on your healing? To me, there is so much focus on trying to win her back...and I did all the things those sites recommended and the guy I dated did not come back to date me...only to be a friend....and then moved on to someone else. If I had put all that energy into moving on and preparing myself for the next relationship, I would have been so much better off. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 8, 2020 2:09:00 GMT
It's only been a few days since I sent the 2nd email. It's that I see now that a lot of sites advise against initiating contact with such a serious message. Of course I wouldn't send a light-hearted text for a few weeks if I did send it. Hi aguy, Just in my own experiences, I do think the friendship-to-lovers approach can work successfully, if the relationship issues can really be resolved. Friendship is a good situation to determine this, much more than jumping back in as lovers and repeating mistakes. Something you could do is watch some of Thais Gibson's youtube vids about "getting your ex back" based on attachment style? Generally what she recommends is to wait around 6 weeks-3 months after a breakup, then to establish a pattern of very light contact to build safety and trust. The pattern she recommends is very light, "fun" contact every 4 days or so. If there is no response, don't contact again for a couple of weeks. And if the door is slammed shut for now, its best to stop pestering your ex after about 2 months of trying in 2 week cycles. If you truly believe the relationship issues can be resolved, then she recommends only starting up conversations about reconciliation around 2 months or so into the friendship. Don't jump into sleeping together or crossing the boundaries of friendship unless both of you have fully discussed your needs, and are confident they will be met. Otherwise you'll repeat the old patterns. One of my Avoidant exes tried something like this with me over the course of a year, and I can say that his consistency with me did a lot to rebuild broken trust. Our connection deepened a lot too. We didn't reconcile as lovers because we both realised it couldn't work after a lot of discussion. But what we have now is an extremely good friendship instead, which has been great for both of us. I wish you luck! |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 8, 2020 4:32:10 GMT
It's only been a few days since I sent the 2nd email. It's that I see now that a lot of sites advise against initiating contact with such a serious message. Of course I wouldn't send a light-hearted text for a few weeks if I did send it. Hi aguy, Just in my own experiences, I do think the friendship-to-lovers approach can work successfully, if the relationship issues can really be resolved. Friendship is a good situation to determine this, much more than jumping back in as lovers and repeating mistakes. Something you could do is watch some of Thais Gibson's youtube vids about "getting your ex back" based on attachment style? Generally what she recommends is to wait around 6 weeks-3 months after a breakup, then to establish a pattern of very light contact to build safety and trust. The pattern she recommends is very light, "fun" contact every 4 days or so. If there is no response, don't contact again for a couple of weeks. And if the door is slammed shut for now, its best to stop pestering your ex after about 2 months of trying in 2 week cycles. If you truly believe the relationship issues can be resolved, then she recommends only starting up conversations about reconciliation around 2 months or so into the friendship. Don't jump into sleeping together or crossing the boundaries of friendship unless both of you have fully discussed your needs, and are confident they will be met. Otherwise you'll repeat the old patterns. One of my Avoidant exes tried something like this with me over the course of a year, and I can say that his consistency with me did a lot to rebuild broken trust. Our connection deepened a lot too. We didn't reconcile as lovers because we both realised it couldn't work after a lot of discussion. But what we have now is an extremely good friendship instead, which has been great for both of us. I wish you luck! Thank you. I had watched some of Thais videos, but sort of forgot about that advice since other sites/people advise a more no contact approach. Right now it has been 3 months and I sent a message a month ago and a message recently, but the problem is that my 2 messages certainly weren't very light, so maybe I should wait a few more weeks before trying something light if I go with that approach. I hope those 2 serious messages didn't derail things, although I had the sort of partial excuse to send 1 in that I never responded to the initial breakup. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 8, 2020 5:03:34 GMT
Its probably okay that you wrote about the breakup. But it likely put pressure on her to think about reconciliation, before you've had a chance to re-establish any trust with her as her friend. Thais advice is to do it the other way around.. try to a be a consistent friend, and then as friends figure out if there's a chance for a healthy reconciliation after a couple of months.
If she's not responded, I'd give it closer to 6 weeks before trying for friendship again. Otherwise it might seem insincere and like more pressure when she's not feeling the trust she needs to feel. I think you have a bit of time, because you were together 6 years and a lot of things must have worked. Try to be patient.
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Post by annieb on Apr 8, 2020 15:04:32 GMT
Gosh, this seems to have derailed a bit, I’m so sorry. I think at this point most certainly let her be and start your moving on/ healing and really focus on that. Seeing a counselor now would be the best thing for you (teleconference under current circumstances). Do not psychoanalyze her and definitely don’t offer her a FA diagnosis (this would only be possible in couples therapy, where you don’t have to take the fallout directly). Keep that knowledge to yourself and for your own reference and work with your issues now. If you work and grow you will eventually attract a completely different type of person, when the time comes. Focus on you and your future.
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Post by dhali on Apr 8, 2020 16:41:33 GMT
Silence is a response. You just don’t happen to like it.
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Post by serenity on Apr 13, 2020 6:35:10 GMT
Its probably okay that you wrote about the breakup. But it likely put pressure on her to think about reconciliation, before you've had a chance to re-establish any trust with her as her friend. Thais advice is to do it the other way around.. try to a be a consistent friend, and then as friends figure out if there's a chance for a healthy reconciliation after a couple of months. If she's not responded, I'd give it closer to 6 weeks before trying for friendship again. Otherwise it might seem insincere and like more pressure when she's not feeling the trust she needs to feel. I think you have a bit of time, because you were together 6 years and a lot of things must have worked. Try to be patient. It seems NC is best for healing, but very low contact might be better for getting an ex back? I found a similar type of very low contact detailed here. www.alturtle.com/archives/1268Hmm. Its a tough call. Do you know if she's likely to have rebounded to a new relationship at all? Is there any way to find out? Sometimes FA's will do that to sooth distress, but they can make terrible decisions. Like if she said she was feeling mistreated, she might find someone who mistreats her even more. If that's the case you'd want to protect yourself a lot and not invest too much in her until the rebound relationship ends, or give it at least 3-4 months for the honeymoon period to end. If you can rule that out, and maybe you can simply based on her responsiveness to you (she would probably stay silent if she has rebounded), then you can decide what to do. Light communication to make her feel wanted would help, and eventually add proper communication aimed at resolving the relationship issues. I know thinking about any of this probably has your heart in your throat, but if you want her and didn't mess up too much, you'll need to be very tough to get her back. Self reflection about you own needs can really help during this time, because you don't know what the outcome will be. You can only do your best. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 14, 2020 0:46:06 GMT
It seems NC is best for healing, but very low contact might be better for getting an ex back? I found a similar type of very low contact detailed here. www.alturtle.com/archives/1268Hmm. Its a tough call. Do you know if she's likely to have rebounded to a new relationship at all? Is there any way to find out? Sometimes FA's will do that to sooth distress, but they can make terrible decisions. Like if she said she was feeling mistreated, she might find someone who mistreats her even more. If that's the case you'd want to protect yourself a lot and not invest too much in her until the rebound relationship ends, or give it at least 3-4 months for the honeymoon period to end. If you can rule that out, and maybe you can simply based on her responsiveness to you (she would probably stay silent if she has rebounded), then you can decide what to do. Light communication to make her feel wanted would help, and eventually add proper communication aimed at resolving the relationship issues. I know thinking about any of this probably has your heart in your throat, but if you want her and didn't mess up too much, you'll need to be very tough to get her back. Self reflection about you own needs can really help during this time, because you don't know what the outcome will be. You can only do your best. I'm thinking she probably isn't in a physical relationship because of the pandemic, but I have no way of being sure. I haven't heard from her. I was considering the Al Turtle approach, but I'm thinking because I already sent 2 serious messages, it might be better to go with your suggestion and wait until next month and send very light "fun" messages rather than ones saying how I'm doing self-improvement like Al Turtle suggests. Of course in the mean time I am focusing on healing. How specifically do you think light communication would help her feel wanted? What do you mean by very tough? |
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Post by mrob on Apr 14, 2020 4:32:23 GMT
Can I say, if that was me, I’d be giving you a wide berth. You still have your agenda. As dhali said, silence is a response. It’s really tough, but it’s the truth. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 14, 2020 11:18:38 GMT
Hmm. Its a tough call. Do you know if she's likely to have rebounded to a new relationship at all? Is there any way to find out? Sometimes FA's will do that to sooth distress, but they can make terrible decisions. Like if she said she was feeling mistreated, she might find someone who mistreats her even more. If that's the case you'd want to protect yourself a lot and not invest too much in her until the rebound relationship ends, or give it at least 3-4 months for the honeymoon period to end. If you can rule that out, and maybe you can simply based on her responsiveness to you (she would probably stay silent if she has rebounded), then you can decide what to do. Light communication to make her feel wanted would help, and eventually add proper communication aimed at resolving the relationship issues. I know thinking about any of this probably has your heart in your throat, but if you want her and didn't mess up too much, you'll need to be very tough to get her back. Self reflection about you own needs can really help during this time, because you don't know what the outcome will be. You can only do your best. I'm thinking she probably isn't in a physical relationship because of the pandemic, but I have no way of being sure. I haven't heard from her. I was considering the Al Turtle approach, but I'm thinking because I already sent 2 serious messages, it might be better to go with your suggestion and wait until next month and send very light "fun" messages rather than ones saying how I'm doing self-improvement like Al Turtle suggests. Of course in the mean time I am focusing on healing. How specifically do you think light communication would help her feel wanted? What do you mean by very tough? I think the focus on her right now is a distraction. I am so sorry about the break up....but I am concerned that you are going to continue trying different approaches in a desperate attempt to win her back. I did the same thing and it is only now that I can see that all those sites that provide you with methods on how to win someone back are like the lottery. With the lottery,..they only interview the winner, they do not interview the millions that played but lost. Same thing with these websites...they provide testimony from people who it worked and not the thousands that tried it and it did not work. And I have to ask. Would you be ok with just being friends and her dating someone else? If the answer is no...then I would leave her alone. You have already sent her 2 emails stating what you would change and letting her know you wanted her back. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 14, 2020 21:04:04 GMT
I'm thinking she probably isn't in a physical relationship because of the pandemic, but I have no way of being sure. I haven't heard from her. I was considering the Al Turtle approach, but I'm thinking because I already sent 2 serious messages, it might be better to go with your suggestion and wait until next month and send very light "fun" messages rather than ones saying how I'm doing self-improvement like Al Turtle suggests. Of course in the mean time I am focusing on healing. How specifically do you think light communication would help her feel wanted? What do you mean by very tough? Thanks for explaining. Just to be clear, I think these kinds of approaches can only help get communication back on track when the other person is responsive and open to it. You might have to wait a long time before she initiates a conversation, or welcomes any from you.. that's what I mean about "being tough". Also, you can't really expect much other than communication...the possibility for actual reconciliation is something you'd have to figure out together , and she has her issues too. |
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