Reaction To Romantic Gestures

It makes me feel very anxious and trapped to be honest. The intimacy alarms get triggered and I run.

I really don't know to be honest.  Love, support etc.  Isn't that part of being intimate with someone?  And that will just set the alarms off?  I don't know.  

So last night I asked her point blank if my romantic texts etc' trigger her. She seemed hesitant and said she doesn't really know how to take them. I then told her that if they upset her I would stop sending them and she replied with "I didn't say that." Is it possible that she simultaneously likes getting them and hates getting them?

No kidding. I asked her if she has romantic feelings towards me and she said "I do and I don't". I asked what that means: "I don't know".

Of course.  The loving texts serve on the one hand to reassure a FA person that they will not be abandoned, or calms their uncertainty about being loveable, adequate, etc.

However, those same loving texts derive from having an intimate connection with someone else, which is a challange for FA people, and usually sparks anxiety.

So they can simultaneously be a good thing, and a bad one.  Literally, the same text in the same moment.

Oh, this this this! Thanks for the gentle reality check, cricket. I like framing it as an answer, because you're right, they're telling you exactly how they feel. Being around all the confusion and second-guessing and wondering whether or not simple gestures of connection or appreciation would eventually lead to distancing is enough to make you feel crazy!!

I do want to add that receiving typical/scripted romantic texts and a standard bouquet of flowers from an online company doesn't feel good to me, and I'm on the anxious side. I think it's largely because it seems like the other person isn't putting in the effort to do something that I find romantic, or that's personally meaningful to me, but is doing something he was told is romantic... he thinks that's what he's supposed to do. Does that make sense? I'm not at all saying that's what you're doing, OP, but I wanted to throw that out there because these things would probably make me feel a little distant too. What does your partner appreciate? What is your partner's passion or hobby? I think some people, women especially, are weary of flowers and chocolate because it reinforces the idea that men are just out for sex (i do NOT believe that all, but conditioning is real and it stinks) and aren't really into getting to know you as a person, but are into doing things because they think they need to be in order to win you over. But it just feels hollow. For example, one of my good friends used to receive flowers from an abusive ex as his attempt to apologize without actually doing the work to make a real apology, so now she can't stand to get them because it reminds her of this. I know my dad, an extremely selfish, uncaring man, sent my mom flowers every holiday, so that's probably why I don't like getting them now. This might have nothing to do with your current situation, but it's an alternative perspective I guess??

Sometimes, the best romantic gestures are really simple, like taking care of the laundry for someone who doesn't like doing it.

I think the key here is to just try different things and gauge the reactions you get. I'm a very giving individual and I I do a lot of romantic things for my girl. She seems to appreciate them, but doesnt get overly gushy about them which gives me anxiety, but I'm handling it better. I have found the things that she seems to respond to most are when I help her with things. I'm essentially her handyman and take care of the issues with the house that she cant do. The other day I helped her pick out a bbq and we went shopping for flowers. Not gonna lie, but I love doing this stuff with her and if it makes her happy, I am all in. Still, I like doing the traditional stuff as well. Random flowers do nothing for her, so thats out. I used to bake for her and while she was at work I would drop off baked goods to her house. Well, one day she snapped because she is getting fat (her words) and that I needed to stop giving her fattening stuff. I was upset, so I thought about it some. I changed my routine and I made a shit load of bacon, wrapped it up nicely and left it at her house so she would have something to eat when she got home and for breakfast for the next few days as she was working so many hours. Yesterday I made a nice meal for myself, one that I would only make if I had her over (cooking for one sucks). She was out of town and flying back in and I was picking her up at the airport. She has fallen ill, and still has to work and has limited time to get things done at home and even go food shopping, let alone prep food. I made this meal so she wouldnt have to worry about lunch/dinner for the next few days. She is moved by food, and this is also a problem for her as she binge eats when she is stressed. I had to adjust my need to give to meet her needs, and keep in mind the parameters I need to follow when doing so. WHen I got her home last night I started unloading the food (she had no idea), and I could see how pleased she was. Later that night when we spoke, she told me how sweet I was for doing so. I'll be honest, I'm like a dog in that I need to be told I'm a good boy.