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Post by matthewcharles on Mar 8, 2020 10:04:18 GMT
HI GUYS,
I HAVER A QUESTION:
DOES SOMEONE WITH AN ATTATCHMENT INJURY - DA lead people on while dating, come on super strong and love bomb until the other purpose is hooked and then dump them and repeat the cycle?
or is this something else aswell?
The DA's I've encountered in the past seem to be unaware that their distancing is having an impact and do unaware because the independence in childhood is what they are used too.
This latest girl seems to purposely do this pattern and come one super strong and be comfortable with physical closeness but not emotional?
thoughts?
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Post by amber on Mar 8, 2020 11:32:40 GMT
Wow you’re writing a lot of posts. Maybe keep your questions about this person to the one thread, it’s a bit much.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 8, 2020 12:25:15 GMT
HI GUYS, I HAVER A QUESTION: DOES SOMEONE WITH AN ATTATCHMENT INJURY - DA lead people on while dating, come on super strong and love bomb until the other purpose is hooked and then dump them and repeat the cycle? or is this something else aswell? The DA's I've encountered in the past seem to be unaware that their distancing is having an impact and do unaware because the independence in childhood is what they are used too. This latest girl seems to purposely do this pattern and come one super strong and be comfortable with physical closeness but not emotional? thoughts? What you describe may be more of narcissistic traits rather than DA and as such, this board may not be as helpful. There is a really good forum called It’s all about him (there is a section called..it’s all about her) where you can read up on narcissistic personality disorder and speak to others who have either dated or married someone with Narcissistic traits. It really helped me when I was coming out of a relationship where I was love bombed and discarded. Good luck. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 8, 2020 16:39:21 GMT
It’s not limited to narcs... also, I don’t think your ex is a da. FA’s love bomb. I think your ex is an FA. And yes, they will repeat it. As for awareness, I dunno. It’s not malicious though. I suspect they rationalize it away. Something to the effect of : I’m not sure yet, but I like them, so no harm.
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Post by mixedsyles on Mar 8, 2020 18:23:15 GMT
I’m a FA and I have never loved bombing anyone.
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Post by dhali on Mar 8, 2020 21:08:14 GMT
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Post by mixedsyles on Mar 9, 2020 2:27:56 GMT
DA’s can also show anxiety from time to time. I don’t think it’s possible to say if someone is a DA or FA just by looking at their behavior in the beginning of a relationship.
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Post by amber on Mar 9, 2020 2:54:32 GMT
My ex FA did a soft type of love bombing from the beginning. Or if not love bombing an intense jumping in with “you’re the one I’ve been waiting for, you’re perfect for me”,idealisation type thug. When you fall from that pedestal for them, you fall hard. Splitting mechanism I suspect. Dhali can you relate to this in any way? Idealising people or only seeing the good at the start, then when you start to get to know someone and see their flaws, it’s almost intolerable so you either run, decide they arnt right for you, or something to that effect? |
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Post by annieb on Mar 9, 2020 17:19:14 GMT
As an FA I do not lovebomb at all at the beginning, and am avoidant at dating and closeness, usually triggering the man into a hard pursuit. Somewhere along the way I start idealizing him and put him on the pedestal. I become blind to his flaws and become codependent on him. If there is ever love bombing on my part it its during the established relationship at around 5 month mark, where I've given up my guard and everything. I make a lot of excuses for the abusive man I am with (I most often end up with an abusive, controlling or a narcissistic partner, DA). I lose myself in the relationship and suffer physical ailments. I manage to eventually leave the abusive relationship, I've stayed in these relationships for between 1-5 years.
I'm dating again for the first time after a good 6 months of therapy and I am acting differently, I am far less triggered, and if I am, then only for five minutes.
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 19:13:14 GMT
My ex FA did a soft type of love bombing from the beginning. Or if not love bombing an intense jumping in with “you’re the one I’ve been waiting for, you’re perfect for me”,idealisation type thug. When you fall from that pedestal for them, you fall hard. Splitting mechanism I suspect. Dhali can you relate to this in any way? Idealising people or only seeing the good at the start, then when you start to get to know someone and see their flaws, it’s almost intolerable so you either run, decide they arnt right for you, or something to that effect? I can’t relate to love bombing. I don’t do it. I’ve been a victim of it. I suspect it’s because of their insecurities at being loved. It’s an anxious thing. In my ex’s case, she just goes from guy to guy bombing them and leaving them. I used to think she was da, but she doesn’t stop finding relationships to lean into. That’s clearly fa. As for being in a relationship and losing the honeymoon phase and realizing you don’t want to be with this person? Yes, I’ve had that. I think we all have. And it’s not distinct to an avoidant. |
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Post by amber on Mar 9, 2020 19:31:51 GMT
I agree it’s not distinct to an avoidant. But if someone had a history of doing this with every partner, it’s probably more about them and their fear of intimacy than anything else.
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 19:52:34 GMT
I agree it’s not distinct to an avoidant. But if someone had a history of doing this with every partner, it’s probably more about them and their fear of intimacy than anything else. What my FA self has done, is to be optimistic and go with things. Have a great time. Be into the person. And slowly realize it’s not right. Hope it turns, never discuss, and then when it’s clear to me, deactivate. But it doesn’t come with a side of overwhelmingly positive emotive experiences with the person I’m with. It’s usually pretty clear I’m deactivating and usually causes a conversation before I’m ready to have one. Which leads to either me trying to stay the execution (a terrible thing to do, but basically conflict avoidant), or me going callous and ripping the bandaid off. I don’t think I would do this today. |
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Post by amber on Mar 9, 2020 19:58:09 GMT
I agree it’s not distinct to an avoidant. But if someone had a history of doing this with every partner, it’s probably more about them and their fear of intimacy than anything else. What my FA self has done, is to be optimistic and go with things. Have a great time. Be into the person. And slowly realize it’s not right. Hope it turns, never discuss, and then when it’s clear to me, deactivate. But it doesn’t come with a side of overwhelmingly positive emotive experiences with the person I’m with. It’s usually pretty clear I’m deactivating and usually causes a conversation before I’m ready to have one. Which leads to either me trying to stay the execution (a terrible thing to do, but basically conflict avoidant), or me going callous and ripping the bandaid off. I don’t think I would do this today. Hmmm interesting thanks for the insight! And would you say it’s not right because of your attachment issues, or because of the other person, or both? The research about avoidant attachment does strongly suggest there’s trouble getting past the honeymoon period because of fear of closeness and triggers from past events etc, and the search for “the one” which never actually occurs because it isn’t real. |
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Post by amber on Mar 9, 2020 19:59:16 GMT
What my FA self has done, is to be optimistic and go with things. Have a great time. Be into the person. And slowly realize it’s not right. Hope it turns, never discuss, and then when it’s clear to me, deactivate. But it doesn’t come with a side of overwhelmingly positive emotive experiences with the person I’m with. It’s usually pretty clear I’m deactivating and usually causes a conversation before I’m ready to have one. Which leads to either me trying to stay the execution (a terrible thing to do, but basically conflict avoidant), or me going callous and ripping the bandaid off. I don’t think I would do this today. Hmmm interesting thanks for the insight! And would you say it’s not right because of your attachment issues, or because of the other person, or both? The research about avoidant attachment does strongly suggest there’s trouble getting past the honeymoon period because of fear of closeness and triggers from past events etc, and the search for “the one” which never actually occurs because it isn’t real. What would you do today instead? Communicate your feelings and try to stay the distance and work through your feelings of wanting to leave etc? |
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 20:10:04 GMT
If I don’t see thing a moving forward, I have a conversation about it. I did that 2 weeks ago. I still get the tug that I do t like to be single so it might be nice to have this person around, but I do have a lot going for me. And I need to remind myself of that. I’m a catch outside of my fa-ness. But again, I’m working on my self confidence and esteem for others. And I own my fa-ness. I’m just as transparent as I can be. And really, conflict sucks, but it’s a necessity in life. And I’ve come to realize, that while it’s uncomfortable, it ends pretty quickly. It’s helpful to imagine the world as a play and I’m just an actor acting my part. My issue is that conflict as a child usually meant getting the shit kicked out of me.
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