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Post by tnr9 on Mar 9, 2020 21:13:18 GMT
If I don’t see thing a moving forward, I have a conversation about it. I did that 2 weeks ago. I still get the tug that I do t like to be single so it might be nice to have this person around, but I do have a lot going for me. And I need to remind myself of that. I’m a catch outside of my fa-ness. But again, I’m working on my self confidence and esteem for others. And I own my fa-ness. I’m just as transparent as I can be. And really, conflict sucks, but it’s a necessity in life. And I’ve come to realize, that while it’s uncomfortable, it ends pretty quickly. It’s helpful to imagine the world as a play and I’m just an actor acting my part. My issue is that conflict as a child usually meant getting the shit kicked out of me. Yep...that happened to B as well. Dad was ex military and used a belt liberally. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 9, 2020 21:40:31 GMT
Having a growth mindset requires me to accept that if I’m getting feedback, it’s a gift.
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Post by mrob on Mar 10, 2020 9:30:37 GMT
I agree it’s not distinct to an avoidant. But if someone had a history of doing this with every partner, it’s probably more about them and their fear of intimacy than anything else. What my FA self has done, is to be optimistic and go with things. Have a great time. Be into the person. And slowly realize it’s not right. Hope it turns, never discuss, and then when it’s clear to me, deactivate. But it doesn’t come with a side of overwhelmingly positive emotive experiences with the person I’m with. It’s usually pretty clear I’m deactivating and usually causes a conversation before I’m ready to have one. Which leads to either me trying to stay the execution (a terrible thing to do, but basically conflict avoidant), or me going callous and ripping the bandaid off. I don’t think I would do this today. I agree. I’ve handled this badly even after knowing I’m FA, but I’m a lot better at actually having a discussion about what isn’t working. It’s not perfect by any means. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2020 13:34:50 GMT
What my FA self has done, is to be optimistic and go with things. Have a great time. Be into the person. And slowly realize it’s not right. Hope it turns, never discuss, and then when it’s clear to me, deactivate. But it doesn’t come with a side of overwhelmingly positive emotive experiences with the person I’m with. It’s usually pretty clear I’m deactivating and usually causes a conversation before I’m ready to have one. Which leads to either me trying to stay the execution (a terrible thing to do, but basically conflict avoidant), or me going callous and ripping the bandaid off. I don’t think I would do this today. I agree. I’ve handled this badly even after knowing I’m FA, but I’m a lot better at actually having a discussion about what isn’t working. It’s not perfect by any means. So..is the goal to try to get out of a state of having doubts or to have the other person do the break up first? |
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Post by mrob on Mar 10, 2020 14:46:45 GMT
You’re absolutely right... The goal is to work towards secure and have everything in a reasonable perspective. I’m Not there yet.
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