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Post by confusedwitch on Mar 12, 2020 20:05:55 GMT
This forum has been like a revelation for me. I am in love with a man, one of the loveliest, sweetest souls l know, very shy, with horribly low self-confidence. So, we met, there was some insane chemistry, and then we boarded the rollercoaster. The stronger he felt about me, the more scared he was and me... in one moment I was at the Heaven's gate, a moment later I was dab smack in the middle of Hell, confused, wondering what happened and why was he distancing from me and behaving all cold. Somewhere in this messb I managed to confess him my feelings.
Last year, after I attempted to talk with him about us, because he started to blew cold again, he went so far he lied to me about having a gf. I was crushed. I spent most of the summer picking my life from shambles and decided I had enough of that rollercoaster. I wrote him an email, informing him I planned to go no contact.
He did everything he could to stop me from that and to resuscitate our relation... something. He succeeded. I was sure the things were going the right direction when he appeared with some other woman at an event. He didn't reply for any of my messages, she informed me later they were together.
So, here is me, confused as Hell, not knowing what happened and why this man is still trying to keep me somehow in his life and wtf he is behaving like that, when I stumble upon that board. Fearful avoidant, oh my God, that's him. To a t. Now I understand.
I love him dearly, I know he loves me too, but I'm officially out of that streetcar called madness. I'm dead sure he will try to reel me back again, but I can't go like that anymore.
I know he is in a bad place mentally right now, I am worried about him, but if he is not ready to help himself, I can't do anything. And it hurts so much.
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 12, 2020 21:00:07 GMT
This forum has been like a revelation for me. I am in love with a man, one of the loveliest, sweetest souls l know, very shy, with horribly low self-confidence. So, we met, there was some insane chemistry, and then we boarded the rollercoaster. The stronger he felt about me, the more scared he was and me... in one moment I was at the Heaven's gate, a moment later I was dab smack in the middle of Hell, confused, wondering what happened and why was he distancing from me and behaving all cold. Somewhere in this messb I managed to confess him my feelings. Last year, after I attempted to talk with him about us, because he started to blew cold again, he went so far he lied to me about having a gf. I was crushed. I spent most of the summer picking my life from shambles and decided I had enough of that rollercoaster. I wrote him an email, informing him I planned to go no contact. He did everything he could to stop me from that and to resuscitate our relation... something. He succeeded. I was sure the things were going the right direction when he appeared with some other woman at an event. He didn't reply for any of my messages, she informed me later they were together. So, here is me, confused as Hell, not knowing what happened and why this man is still trying to keep me somehow in his life and wtf he is behaving like that, when I stumble upon that board. Fearful avoidant, oh my God, that's him. To a t. Now I understand. I love him dearly, I know he loves me too, but I'm officially out of that streetcar called madness. I'm dead sure he will try to reel me back again, but I can't go like that anymore. I know he is in a bad place mentally right now, I am worried about him, but if he is not ready to help himself, I can't do anything. And it hurts so much. So sorry you have had this terrible experience. I can relate to some of what you have shared hear. My ex FA ended it again a couple of months ago, he has done that to me 5 times in two years and always when things appear to be going well, or so it appeared to me. Hes trying to rinse and repeat this crazy cycle. I'm done for good this time, as much as I love this man and really care for him i need to feel secure in a relationship and he just doesn't appear able to give me that. You will get alot of support from this forum as lots of people can relate to you situation and it's a safe place to share how you feel. |
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Post by serenity on Mar 12, 2020 22:54:07 GMT
The endless cycling is why I'm still here 6 months after my last breakup  Its hard. FA's are such tender, lonely, hurt people, at least my ex was. They open up so very slowly and cautiously, and sometimes I think I have developed a kind of rescuer/maternal bond with both my FA exes, where I feel like I don't want to betray them by completely rejecting them..... after opening them up so much, seeing how hard it was for them to get close to anyone. The thing is, I just don't trust them on the level I need. One sided love is not enough, its got to be both ways. And if a man cheats and abandons you, withholds affection and attention when you really need it, chooses to see the worst in you when triggered, its not love. And its not something you can trust your heart with. Its not someone you can make serious, rewarding life plans with either. If you can properly grieve and detach, being a supportive friend with a lot of boundaries can work, if you still care. But consider also that part of self care is choosing the most supportive inner circle of people you can find. You won't get much of that from an FA, and least of all an FA partner. |
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Post by confusedwitch on Mar 13, 2020 17:13:08 GMT
Both of you are right. As much as I love him and as I am concerned about his wellbeing (he's being a bloody mess since he nuked our relationship), I have to think about myself. And I cannot take yet another cycle, no way. I'm out and if he can't get out of this carrousel then well... there is no future for us. I will always support him if needed, but I won't feed that cycle anymore.
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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 15, 2020 10:05:56 GMT
I am so very sorry for the hurt this is causing you. I can only imagine the pain of knowing he's with someone else. I am a recovering FA and please know that there is nothing you can do here unless the other person becomes aware of their patterns and starts healing. Like Serenity said, you can be a friend and even then it can be difficult. A lot of old stuff will tend to come up, for you and him.
I can only talk from my experience, I have been a volatile partner emotionally in the past(which has left my exes in a bad place). Smallest things would make me see danger and would make me want to push people away. I did not understand what love and consistency looked like even when it was staring at me in the face(never having had that in my childhood).Until I started working on myself, there was nothing anyone could have done to save me
I wish you and your ex all the healing. Look after yourself.
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Post by confusedwitch on Mar 15, 2020 15:48:27 GMT
I am so very sorry for the hurt this is causing you. I can only imagine the pain of knowing he's with someone else. I am a recovering FA and please know that there is nothing you can do here unless the other person becomes aware of their patterns and starts healing. Like Serenity said, you can be a friend and even then it can be difficult. A lot of old stuff will tend to come up, for you and him. Yes, I am fully aware of that. As long as he is controlled by his fear and pain it is a lost battle. And considering that he is unable to talk about feelings (I asked once if there is everything okay between us and I swear I could hear his mind shutting off) there is no way, at least for me, to knock any sense into that thick skull of his. Thank you. |
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Its hard. FA's are such tender, lonely, hurt people, at least my ex was. They open up so very slowly and cautiously, and sometimes I think I have developed a kind of rescuer/maternal bond with both my FA exes, where I feel like I don't want to betray them by completely rejecting them..... after opening them up so much, seeing how hard it was for them to get close to anyone.