Post by jaleesa on Aug 29, 2017 14:47:27 GMT
I came across this post today on Reddit about "managing down expectations" and this was so painfully recognizable to me that I had to share. At the end of my relationship I didn't expect anything anymore. I didn't even know this was a thing and I think this explains why we lose ourselves so much in longterm relationships with DAs and narcissists.
"The cycle of abuse is "calm > tensions rising > incident > reconciliation > repeat from calm." The reconciliation and calm periods are the high of the drug that you always want to experience. But now consider what brought you to the "incident." Probably in general it can be described as some disagreement where you were unable to reach an acceptable compromise that triggered the tensions and incident. And probably it is because your N had unacceptable, unreasonable expectations as would be viewed by the average observer. Then, after the incident you make up and it feels good. Somehow you found a solution, and sure, maybe you gave more than you wanted and maybe she should not have acted that way, but it is fixed and we compromised like successful couples do! That's what you tell yourself.
Remember that this stuff happens slowly over time, so you can't try to imagine the most recent incidents as the starting point. You start with something far less extreme, but still outside the range of "generally acceptable behavior." And in the cycle, your expectations shift when you reconcile. That situation is now within your range of "acceptable outcomes."
There's a concept in public politics called the "Overton Window." It states that the general public is willing to support policies across some range of outcomes, but at some point a position becomes too extreme such that it is so far out of the norm that the public will not support. So some political operatives use a strategy of pushing completely extreme positions, not so they get that position enacted, but because by being sooooo extreme, it makes positions that are juuuuuuust outside the Overton Window seem more reasonable, and perhaps these fringe policies are enacted. Then they have succeeded in moving the Overton Window. Do this long enough and you'll be ready to support fascists and whatnot.
So now in your relationship, you've given a bit more than you had planned, but hey, it worked out. You feel great again. Your partner is happy and showing you love. You're getting laid, getting gifts, etc. But your baseline has shifted a bit. The Overton Window of what you will accept from your partner moved. You may not really notice it. But do this over and over for years and years and you will find yourself in a completely different place of what is acceptable to you. This is what we mean when we say you have lost yourself. You don't recognize any more what kind of relationship it is that you're in, and you don't know how it got so bad."
www.google.nl/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/6g0wop/managing_down_expectations_in_an_abusive_cycle/
"The cycle of abuse is "calm > tensions rising > incident > reconciliation > repeat from calm." The reconciliation and calm periods are the high of the drug that you always want to experience. But now consider what brought you to the "incident." Probably in general it can be described as some disagreement where you were unable to reach an acceptable compromise that triggered the tensions and incident. And probably it is because your N had unacceptable, unreasonable expectations as would be viewed by the average observer. Then, after the incident you make up and it feels good. Somehow you found a solution, and sure, maybe you gave more than you wanted and maybe she should not have acted that way, but it is fixed and we compromised like successful couples do! That's what you tell yourself.
Remember that this stuff happens slowly over time, so you can't try to imagine the most recent incidents as the starting point. You start with something far less extreme, but still outside the range of "generally acceptable behavior." And in the cycle, your expectations shift when you reconcile. That situation is now within your range of "acceptable outcomes."
There's a concept in public politics called the "Overton Window." It states that the general public is willing to support policies across some range of outcomes, but at some point a position becomes too extreme such that it is so far out of the norm that the public will not support. So some political operatives use a strategy of pushing completely extreme positions, not so they get that position enacted, but because by being sooooo extreme, it makes positions that are juuuuuuust outside the Overton Window seem more reasonable, and perhaps these fringe policies are enacted. Then they have succeeded in moving the Overton Window. Do this long enough and you'll be ready to support fascists and whatnot.
So now in your relationship, you've given a bit more than you had planned, but hey, it worked out. You feel great again. Your partner is happy and showing you love. You're getting laid, getting gifts, etc. But your baseline has shifted a bit. The Overton Window of what you will accept from your partner moved. You may not really notice it. But do this over and over for years and years and you will find yourself in a completely different place of what is acceptable to you. This is what we mean when we say you have lost yourself. You don't recognize any more what kind of relationship it is that you're in, and you don't know how it got so bad."
www.google.nl/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/6g0wop/managing_down_expectations_in_an_abusive_cycle/
