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Post by tnr9 on Mar 27, 2020 13:02:46 GMT
Although I am making good strides....one area that I am really struggling with is letting go of the notion that had I just done this or that...that it could have worked with B. On the other side of that equation....I struggle with the concept that he did not view me as a long term prospect without thinking he did that due to something about me. This has all been sparked a new because I made the purposeful choice to go to his page on Facebook and there is a photo of him with a dog and it say me and my little friend (because it is a smaller dog). None of his family members have a dog, so this one belongs to his girlfriend. I could spend a lot of time focused on that....which...in truth...I have to myself...but that is just a distraction from the real issue...the feelings of not being chosen....the equal feeling that I could have been chosen “if only”...the hard to get rid of tape that she is getting what I wanted with the overtones that if she is getting it...it was possible and it was because of some lack in me that I didn’t...and the complete sadness over the fact that I still want a man who clearly did not want me....ever. I can’t fully access the anger of being a “cuddle buddy” (told to me by him a year after he broke up with me). I also do not fully understand why this one man has encompassed so much of my AP struggle. And....let me also be frank....I don’t understand why he gets to succeed and find the right partner (completely wrong attitude...but hey...being honest) after what happened with me.
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addict
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Post by addict on Mar 29, 2020 10:58:48 GMT
I'm completely with you on this! I'm struggling in a similar way.... I've done such a lot of dwelling the last few days 😧... I've come to the conclusion that I really want someone when I feel sorry for them... What the hell does this mean? If someone's lonely or been unloved I want to show them I can love them 🤔🤔🤔...
mine is now clearly in a full on relationship... She's everything I'm not...think I too was just someone to give cuddles or virtual ones when the mood took him... I obviously mistook it for something more...I'm constantly thinking more and more that he's normal and I was the problem... I know he was consistently hot and cold and ignored me regularly and ghosted me but clearly when the right woman came along he could be consistent with her... It's been at least 6 months and I thought maybe he'd have run by now but no he's all in by the looks of things!!
i too have the feeling of wanting someone so intensely who didn't want me and I feel ridiculous that I misread the ignore as him being avoidant... I now think he just wasn't in to me and didn't know how to get rid of me...
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2020 16:26:38 GMT
Hi addict.....I am super sorry that you can relate...it is absolutely horrible to give your heart fully to someone who does not protect it or take care of it. Movies like he’s just not into you spread a perspective that it is k if a guy only wants something shot term and non committal....but I would argue that if he isn’t upfront about that...it is not ok.....and there is something lacking in him...regardless of his current relationship state. A secure person would be upfront and would never lead anyone on..From now on, I will not accept wish washy, non committal men to have such access to my heart. Hugs....you are beautiful and it was his loss. |
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Post by annieb on Mar 29, 2020 17:36:06 GMT
It's kind of a switch, that you have to flip. But you will not be able to do that unless you deliberately and purposefully work on your self esteem. This loop will keep happening until you are ready to make the leap of faith into loving yourself. If you are not already in therapy, get in one. If you haven't googled the article "42 ways of improving yourself", do it now. One by one doing the steps you will see that your self esteem will rise. At this point this is all you. This is not him, your parents, what have you. This is all on you now. Make the best f it. Love yourself like your life depended on it. And read that book by Kamil Ravikant.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2020 18:20:32 GMT
It's kind of a switch, that you have to flip. But you will not be able to do that unless you deliberately and purposefully work on your self esteem. This loop will keep happening until you are ready to make the leap of faith into loving yourself. If you are not already in therapy, get in one. If you haven't googled the article "42 ways of improving yourself", do it now. One by one doing the steps you will see that your self esteem will rise. At this point this is all you. This is not him, your parents, what have you. This is all on you now. Make the best f it. Love yourself like your life depended on it. And read that book by Kamil Ravikant. What I am learning with my therapist is yes...it does have to do with my parents...and yes, it does have to do with him...it is not a lack in me. As a child I believed it was all my fault...everything....my mom’s inability to connect with me, her very stringent boundaries, her anger, her frustration...I took it all on. I felt it was my responsibility to make her happy, to find a way to stop disappointing her etc. I did the exact same thing with B....I felt overly responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. Breaking the cycle does not mean more emphasis on me....it truly means seeing where the other person had issued and owning that I am not responsible for them. Perhaps that is not something that you struggled with so I am hoping this is enlightening in the AP struggle. That is why I think so many with AP have to blame the other person...it is a pendulum swing from all the self blame...it is trying to find center ground by first going to far the opposite direction. I just never felt entitled to stand up for myself that way....it was always greeted as me being selfish. So, here on these boards and with my therapist...we are working to see where others have limitations that were not my fault. It has been incredibly helpful. |
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Post by jeffrey on Mar 29, 2020 19:15:18 GMT
Hi tnr9
Your situation reminded me of a particular relationship I was in years ago. I met a woman 14 years my junior. Everything progressed really fast. She said i love you after 2 weeks. It was so intense i got carried away in it. Long story short, she had BPD. This relationship affected me so terribly. I ruminated for what felt like forever. The one thing I kept catching myself doing was what you described. Thinking that the next man would get the best she had to offer. Even though I felt it was probably false I couldn't help it because I was so caught up in the emotion. I'm going through a similar problem now with my current avoidant girlfriend. She is distancing herself from me. Her cover excuse is social distancing for the coronavirus. But she doesn't know I know wink wink. Anyway, this past week I've realized how fed up I am by attracting emotionally stunted people. Because I, myself, am emotionally stunted. While I cant afford therapy I've been doing different meditations to get in touch with myself and my inner child. Last nights meditation was heavily emotional. And when it was over, and when I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good for the first time in weeks. I believe self love is the way for me. Perhaps it could help you
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Post by jeffrey on Mar 29, 2020 19:16:05 GMT
Oh I forget to mention. My ex-bpd is now in prison
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addict
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Post by addict on Mar 29, 2020 19:17:30 GMT
Hi addict .....I am super sorry that you can relate...it is absolutely horrible to give your heart fully to someone who does not protect it or take care of it. Movies like he’s just not into you spread a perspective that it is k if a guy only wants something shot term and non committal....but I would argue that if he isn’t upfront about that...it is not ok.....and there is something lacking in him...regardless of his current relationship state. A secure person would be upfront and would never lead anyone on..From now on, I will not accept wish washy, non committal men to have such access to my heart. Hugs....you are beautiful and it was his loss. Hi tnr9, thank you so much for your reply.... I agree with your comments... Please also bear in mind this went on for 8 years....I take the blame for some of it... After all if I'd known about attachments I could have worked it out sooner and not put either of us through this dance... But I do blame him for in a way leading me on when he obviously didn't feel the same way about me... I guess when he ignored me he was telling me that in his own way... Still can't get my head around him asking me to save him one day to saying he didn't want to encourage me 2 days later to then ask me for topless pics to ghost me 2 days later... Honestly I could go on and on... No point though... I've been better lately, thinking more rationally and even thinking I don't want him now and why was I even trying to gain his approval.... Thanks for your lovely kind words... I do try to be a thoughtful, kind and considerate person... Sending hugs back to you ❤️ |
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Post by addict on Mar 29, 2020 19:28:07 GMT
It's kind of a switch, that you have to flip. But you will not be able to do that unless you deliberately and purposefully work on your self esteem. This loop will keep happening until you are ready to make the leap of faith into loving yourself. If you are not already in therapy, get in one. If you haven't googled the article "42 ways of improving yourself", do it now. One by one doing the steps you will see that your self esteem will rise. At this point this is all you. This is not him, your parents, what have you. This is all on you now. Make the best f it. Love yourself like your life depended on it. And read that book by Kamil Ravikant. Aww thank you , I know most of my problems are to do with self esteem, I'm not really sure why... I'm quite confident with people I know but I do feel as though I read people easily and I get vibes from people when they don't like me... Some make it obvious! That makes me feel very sad and inadequate... I'm very quiet with strangers and people I don't know well..... I'm not bad looking so people tell me and I'm slim and wear nice if not unusual clothes and I have a slightly different style especially for my age.. My best friend tells me these people are just jealous... I don't know... I always try hard to be helpful and considerate to everyone.. A people pleaser! I definitely will read the book you suggested... I've read every other self help book but they never fully go in... thanks for your helpful words they are much appreciated ❤️ |
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Post by number9 on Mar 29, 2020 19:38:48 GMT
Hi tnr9 Your situation reminded me of a particular relationship I was in years ago. I met a woman 14 years my junior. Everything progressed really fast. She said i love you after 2 weeks. It was so intense i got carried away in it. Long story short, she had BPD. This relationship affected me so terribly. I ruminated for what felt like forever. The one thing I kept catching myself doing was what you described. Thinking that the next man would get the best she had to offer. Even though I felt it was probably false I couldn't help it because I was so caught up in the emotion. I'm going through a similar problem now with my current avoidant girlfriend. She is distancing herself from me. Her cover excuse is social distancing for the coronavirus. But she doesn't know I know wink wink. Anyway, this past week I've realized how fed up I am by attracting emotionally stunted people. Because I, myself, am emotionally stunted. While I cant afford therapy I've been doing different meditations to get in touch with myself and my inner child. Last nights meditation was heavily emotional. And when it was over, and when I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good for the first time in weeks. I believe self love is the way for me. Perhaps it could help you Distancing for the coronavirus sounds pretty legit, in my opinion! I really hope everyone is doing that as much as possible. That said, I'm happy to hear you felt better this morning. Yay for self love!  |
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Post by jeffrey on Mar 29, 2020 19:42:34 GMT
Hi number9
I wholeheartedly agree. And I've been taking my own precautions and protections. All I'm saying is that my girl is deactivating and isolating. And hardly communicating
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