dida
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by dida on Mar 27, 2020 22:33:58 GMT
Hi, I'm new to the forum. Sorry for all the possible errors in text - English is not my first language. Also sorry for long text.
I would love to get an advice / stories from other DA's or just people, who were in a relationship with one and can relate to me / explain what is going on.
I've been going to therapy for past 1 and a half year. After a few sessions my therapist told me about attachment styles and then told me I'm avoidant with a few traits of anxious. She helped me a lot since then and I'm still working with her, but there's a few things that has never been resolved. I F(28) am in a bit over 2 year long relationship M(39). I don't know what would be his attachment style. Anyway - there's a problem that is sucking last bits of energy I have in me since I moved over to be with him (we started as long distance).
Almost every single day about 3-1h before he comes back home from work I get really tense, anxious, nervous, jittery and have difficulty doing anything around the house out of fear he would come back sooner than normal (which happens sometimes) and will "catch" me out in the open space (usually I stay on the couch covered with blanket when I know he's about to come back home). This is how it looks (two options):
1)I'm insanely anxious before he comes back home and the second i see him or a few minutes later, I start crying intensly and rocking backwards and forwards - after I feel empty, but a bit lighter and anxiety goes away.
2)I'm insanely anxious before he comes back home and the second I see him I feel a massive relief / get this warm, nice wave going trough my whole body and sometimes start crying sometimes I feel the need to say I love him.
It's pretty much like this since we moved in together. I don't get those feelings when he's at home and then I come back from work. It seems like I'm losing any attachment to him the second he's gone to work, and then have to re-learn it. Does anyone struggle like this or is it just me?
(theres possibility that it might be in some way caused not by attachment style, but the trauma [I've been molested by a family member between ages 6-8] but i jusy can't figure that out)
Also - does ypur feelings towards your partner change from love to neutral to repulsion in a matter of minutes as well? Do you always secretly hope they would find somowe else and just "set you free" and sometimes mention breaking-up, but when they show a sign of sadness/he sometimes shuts down, and then you become empty and dont even care anymore about breaking up or staying? Other times it scares me he could leave too.
Thank you for any help!
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 28, 2020 4:31:27 GMT
Hi, I'm new to the forum. Sorry for all the possible errors in text - English is not my first language. Also sorry for long text. I would love to get an advice / stories from other DA's or just people, who were in a relationship with one and can relate to me / explain what is going on. I've been going to therapy for past 1 and a half year. After a few sessions my therapist told me about attachment styles and then told me I'm avoidant with a few traits of anxious. She helped me a lot since then and I'm still working with her, but there's a few things that has never been resolved. I F(28) am in a bit over 2 year long relationship M(39). I don't know what would be his attachment style. Anyway - there's a problem that is sucking last bits of energy I have in me since I moved over to be with him (we started as long distance). Almost every single day about 3-1h before he comes back home from work I get really tense, anxious, nervous, jittery and have difficulty doing anything around the house out of fear he would come back sooner than normal (which happens sometimes) and will "catch" me out in the open space (usually I stay on the couch covered with blanket when I know he's about to come back home). This is how it looks (two options): 1)I'm insanely anxious before he comes back home and the second i see him or a few minutes later, I start crying intensly and rocking backwards and forwards - after I feel empty, but a bit lighter and anxiety goes away. 2)I'm insanely anxious before he comes back home and the second I see him I feel a massive relief / get this warm, nice wave going trough my whole body and sometimes start crying sometimes I feel the need to say I love him. It's pretty much like this since we moved in together. I don't get those feelings when he's at home and then I come back from work. It seems like I'm losing any attachment to him the second he's gone to work, and then have to re-learn it. Does anyone struggle like this or is it just me? (theres possibility that it might be in some way caused not by attachment style, but the trauma [I've been molested by a family member between ages 6-8] but i jusy can't figure that out) Also - does ypur feelings towards your partner change from love to neutral to repulsion in a matter of minutes as well? Do you always secretly hope they would find somowe else and just "set you free" and sometimes mention breaking-up, but when they show a sign of sadness/he sometimes shuts down, and then you become empty and dont even care anymore about breaking up or staying? Other times it scares me he could leave too. Thank you for any help! Hi and welcome.....based on what you have listed....you seem more fearful avoidant rather than dismissive avoidant. |
|
dida
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by dida on Mar 28, 2020 6:09:45 GMT
Hi and welcome.....based on what you have listed....you seem more fearful avoidant rather than dismissive avoidant. Ah, sorry then for posting in a wrong section.  It's just my therapist told me I'm avoidant with a few anxious treats. She never mentioned fearful avoidant attachment style. Just asked me to read about avoidants and anxious types and just see what i related to the most. DA is what I felt more like, because of the fact that I love making money more than making any kind of connections with people and I avoided them like fire(after starting therapy I'm so much better tho) , love to be and feel independent, I really don't like being a part of a relationship and I never wanted one (I'm quite attractive and after dropping a lot of weight that I put on from years of dealing with food addiction, I had quite a lot of men hitting on me, but my low self-esteem makes me scared of them [what would they thik if they saw me naked or find me boring] so I reject them stright away in really blunt way) . I pretty much ended up in relationship by mistake... But then grew to love (?) him. He has his issues, but he's the sweetest human being alive (then sometimes when i look at him I feel like he's just a dead object... That's why i can't figure what love is or how I feel it). And also a few years back I shut down emotionally, because for so many years I was working on not feeling and at some point I just stopped feeling anything (which I read a lot that it's quite typical for avoidants). Ahh, sorry for another long post. I'm just so confused and desperate for any help. Is there any way I could move this thread to Fearful avoidant section, so maybe someone could help me there? |
|
|
|
Post by BecomingMe on Mar 28, 2020 15:34:34 GMT
Hi dida,
I'm really sorry you are going through such a challenging time. I can imagine how confusing and emotionally draining all this must be.
I am an FA who's on the path to healing and your last paragraph stuck a chord. I was married for 5 years(mine was a very verbally abusive marriage) and these would be my exact same thoughts. That some how, some day my then husband would say he wants to end it all and he wants to leave me. I would then be free to pursue true love (having no idea what that meant at that time). He never really did. In fact there a point in my marriage when he became very platonically friendly with another woman. I percieved this as a huge threat and started to cling to him and the marriage more. I say all this to tell you you aren't alone in thinking and feeling this way.
I wish you all the best in your healing.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 28, 2020 15:43:28 GMT
Hi and welcome.....based on what you have listed....you seem more fearful avoidant rather than dismissive avoidant. Ah, sorry then for posting in a wrong section. It's just my therapist told me I'm avoidant with a few anxious treats. She never mentioned fearful avoidant attachment style. Just asked me to read about avoidants and anxious types and just see what i related to the most. DA is what I felt more like, because of the fact that I love making money more than making any kind of connections with people and I avoided them like fire(after starting therapy I'm so much better tho) , love to be and feel independent, I really don't like being a part of a relationship and I never wanted one (I'm quite attractive and after dropping a lot of weight that I put on from years of dealing with food addiction, I had quite a lot of men hitting on me, but my low self-esteem makes me scared of them [what would they thik if they saw me naked or find me boring] so I reject them stright away in really blunt way) . I pretty much ended up in relationship by mistake... But then grew to love (?) him. He has his issues, but he's the sweetest human being alive (then sometimes when i look at him I feel like he's just a dead object... That's why i can't figure what love is or how I feel it). And also a few years back I shut down emotionally, because for so many years I was working on not feeling and at some point I just stopped feeling anything (which I read a lot that it's quite typical for avoidants). Ahh, sorry for another long post. I'm just so confused and desperate for any help. Is there any way I could move this thread to Fearful avoidant section, so maybe someone could help me there? Here is where long posts are welcome...your desire for money over human connection is likely tied to your childhood....how were your relationships to your parents? Do you have any secure friends who can help you explore what love is versus obsession, fear, addiction, possession....I use those words because I have experienced all of them with me I dated. I do believe that love is transformational....it seeks the best for you and your partner...and I do believe it exists...but each partner has to own where they need to work on themselves. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 28, 2020 17:02:40 GMT
Hey! Yes, you have a bunch to work on. I’m glad you’re aware. I agree it seems like you’re a fearful avoidant. But slight. The avoidance is high. If I were you, I’d have an honest conversation with your partner about it. Here’s the thing with avoidance- you go at everything alone. Including conversations you should have together. Him knowing where you are is relevant. And it’s intimate. Express your desire to trust. I’d also spend time doing active listening. Just listen to your bf. make your thoughts and concerns secondary to actually connecting. You need to build up your esteem for others. The best way to do that is to have genuine curiosity without judgement about others and their things. When judgement creeps in, remind yourself that you didn’t get to live their life and see the world the way they do. Respect their points of view because they are valid. Basically work on empathy with everyone. That’ll do a lot towards letting them in.
|
|
dida
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by dida on Mar 28, 2020 19:16:02 GMT
Ah, sorry then for posting in a wrong section. It's just my therapist told me I'm avoidant with a few anxious treats. She never mentioned fearful avoidant attachment style. Just asked me to read about avoidants and anxious types and just see what i related to the most. DA is what I felt more like, because of the fact that I love making money more than making any kind of connections with people and I avoided them like fire(after starting therapy I'm so much better tho) , love to be and feel independent, I really don't like being a part of a relationship and I never wanted one (I'm quite attractive and after dropping a lot of weight that I put on from years of dealing with food addiction, I had quite a lot of men hitting on me, but my low self-esteem makes me scared of them [what would they thik if they saw me naked or find me boring] so I reject them stright away in really blunt way) . I pretty much ended up in relationship by mistake... But then grew to love (?) him. He has his issues, but he's the sweetest human being alive (then sometimes when i look at him I feel like he's just a dead object... That's why i can't figure what love is or how I feel it). And also a few years back I shut down emotionally, because for so many years I was working on not feeling and at some point I just stopped feeling anything (which I read a lot that it's quite typical for avoidants). Ahh, sorry for another long post. I'm just so confused and desperate for any help. Is there any way I could move this thread to Fearful avoidant section, so maybe someone could help me there? Here is where long posts are welcome...your desire for money over human connection is likely tied to your childhood....how were your relationships to your parents? Do you have any secure friends who can help you explore what love is versus obsession, fear, addiction, possession....I use those words because I have experienced all of them with me I dated. I do believe that love is transformational....it seeks the best for you and your partner...and I do believe it exists...but each partner has to own where they need to work on themselves. I know my love for money comes from the fact that when i was a kid we didn't really had them (or so my mom ould say) . My mom would always make me feel (not intentionaly i think) quilty for asking about them for new shoes, make up, books etc. Or just tell me to pick between buying us food or new shoes for me. So money give me comfort, safety and joy. I love to have it, but not spend it, as I still feel quilty when i buy something. My boyfriend a lot of the times tells me I shouldn't feel that as I worked my butt off for yhose money and I should treat myself to anything I want. Also I have no friends here. I moved country to try and see if we can work out. To be fair even the friends I had weren't really close, because not once have I missed them. It was really easy to cut them off in a matter of a day. I know I sound cruel, but thats just reality. I never got attached to any of my friends and a lot of the times I would get bored with them and stop meeting up. |
|
dida
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by dida on Mar 28, 2020 19:22:07 GMT
Hi dida, I'm really sorry you are going through such a challenging time. I can imagine how confusing and emotionally draining all this must be. I am an FA who's on the path to healing and your last paragraph stuck a chord. I was married for 5 years(mine was a very verbally abusive marriage) and these would be my exact same thoughts. That some how, some day my then husband would say he wants to end it all and he wants to leave me. I would then be free to pursue true love (having no idea what that meant at that time). He never really did. In fact there a point in my marriage when he became very platonically friendly with another woman. I percieved this as a huge threat and started to cling to him and the marriage more. I say all this to tell you you aren't alone in thinking and feeling this way. I wish you all the best in your healing. I'm so sorry you had to go trough that. And I truly understand why you would feel that way. For me its just so confusing, because my partner is really a kind soul, so i should not act / react that way. Hope you're in a much better place now and I hope you're going to get to even better one. |
|
dida
New Member
Posts: 16
|
Post by dida on Mar 28, 2020 19:32:42 GMT
Hey! Yes, you have a bunch to work on. I’m glad you’re aware. I agree it seems like you’re a fearful avoidant. But slight. The avoidance is high. If I were you, I’d have an honest conversation with your partner about it. Here’s the thing with avoidance- you go at everything alone. Including conversations you should have together. Him knowing where you are is relevant. And it’s intimate. Express your desire to trust. I’d also spend time doing active listening. Just listen to your bf. make your thoughts and concerns secondary to actually connecting. You need to build up your esteem for others. The best way to do that is to have genuine curiosity without judgement about others and their things. When judgement creeps in, remind yourself that you didn’t get to live their life and see the world the way they do. Respect their points of view because they are valid. Basically work on empathy with everyone. That’ll do a lot towards letting them in. Hello, thank you so much for your answer. That sure is a great advice to learn active listening. I know I have a big problem with this as I dissociate quite a lot and weeks at a time I can't get back to my body... And also empathy, i actually wish I had more of it. it's a beautiful feeling to have. The last time I felt that, I qenuinily was so moved, because I felt like a human for the first time in a few years. Also I never tried to hide anything from my partner. I told him from the day one that therevs something wrong with me and he just said he'll be there by me, when I'll be looking for a way to heal. I tell him even the bad emotions towards him, so he knows when to give me a bit of space or not to touch me or just ignore me. Thats why I feel like I should feel grateful and not look forward to breaking up, so I could be on my own.he sure is one in a million. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2020 0:01:14 GMT
Hi dida . I agree this sounds fearful avoidant. I don't think anyone was concerned that you posted in the wrong section. It's important to figure out where you fall because dismissive avoidance needs different healing than fearful avoidance (which needs different healing from anxious preoccupied). FA has a less stable sense of self and distrusts both self and others, so it's equally about connecting with yourself (frequent disassociation is not an uncommon FA coping mechanism learned at some point in childhood -- though it is not a healthy one) as well as working through issues with interdependence with others. FA can go back and forth between nervous systems that get overstimulated (anxious, desire for reconnection) and shut down (avoidant, feelings feel like they disappear). Which sounds like is happening when you're waiting for your boyfriend to come home and then when he arrives. This is often tied to a fear of abandonment (anxious) and a fear of engulfment (avoidant). Maybe start with reading through the fearful avoidant support threads here, and some of the fearful avoidant general threads, to learn more about it and get started with some more reflection? If you use the search thread box, I find blacksnow / blacksnow1 's threads to be very informative, as well as shiningstar 's progressions (she started FA though more on the anxious side, then worked on earning secure from there). FA is complicated and there's a lot to dig into. These issues form over years and years, so unfortunately, it's not easy to quickly undo all that. I fully agree that continuing to be as honest as you can with your partner and not giving up on the relationship yet is a good plan. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 29, 2020 0:37:32 GMT
Well dida, look at it this way.. at least you know what you need to work on. As humans, we always have stuff to work on. This is completely do able. And really, what choice do you have anyhow? Anyhow, this is the gig.
|
|
|
|
Post by BecomingMe on Mar 29, 2020 3:48:26 GMT
Hi dida, I'm really sorry you are going through such a challenging time. I can imagine how confusing and emotionally draining all this must be. I am an FA who's on the path to healing and your last paragraph stuck a chord. I was married for 5 years(mine was a very verbally abusive marriage) and these would be my exact same thoughts. That some how, some day my then husband would say he wants to end it all and he wants to leave me. I would then be free to pursue true love (having no idea what that meant at that time). He never really did. In fact there a point in my marriage when he became very platonically friendly with another woman. I percieved this as a huge threat and started to cling to him and the marriage more. I say all this to tell you you aren't alone in thinking and feeling this way. I wish you all the best in your healing. I'm so sorry you had to go trough that. And I truly understand why you would feel that way. For me its just so confusing, because my partner is really a kind soul, so i should not act / react that way. Hope you're in a much better place now and I hope you're going to get to even better one. Thank you and I wish you the same. I am in a much, much better place having been in therapy and learning to trust slowly but surely. I completely understand what you mean about being confused feeling this way when your partner is kind and also about not having close friends. I went through most of my 20s this way. I would not let anyone see the real me because I felt I was too much. That, or I felt most people could not be trusted or that they were "too dumb"(hence it became easy to cut them off). With therapy and readinf up on attachment, it became clear I did to dismiss people, to push them away before they had a chance to reject me, if it ever came to that. It's a huge step that you've acknowledged how you feel and are aware of it. Like the senior members in the forum mentioned, do check out the FA threads. Also anne12 's thread in the general discussion forum on healing FA is amazing. This is another video that helped me a lot when I've felt like I'm losing touch with my body and going off into my head too much. youtu.be/xQTNiW5baicAll the best! |
|
It's just my therapist told me I'm avoidant with a few anxious treats. She never mentioned fearful avoidant attachment style. Just asked me to read about avoidants and anxious types and just see what i related to the most. DA is what I felt more like, because of the fact that I love making money more than making any kind of connections with people and I avoided them like fire(after starting therapy I'm so much better tho) , love to be and feel independent, I really don't like being a part of a relationship and I never wanted one (I'm quite attractive and after dropping a lot of weight that I put on from years of dealing with food addiction, I had quite a lot of men hitting on me, but my low self-esteem makes me scared of them [what would they thik if they saw me naked or find me boring] so I reject them stright away in really blunt way) . I pretty much ended up in relationship by mistake... But then grew to love (?) him. He has his issues, but he's the sweetest human being alive (then sometimes when i look at him I feel like he's just a dead object... That's why i can't figure what love is or how I feel it). And also a few years back I shut down emotionally, because for so many years I was working on not feeling and at some point I just stopped feeling anything (which I read a lot that it's quite typical for avoidants).