Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2017 12:03:30 GMT
The ex (the one who won't go away) behaves very much like a DA in terms of seeming super self sufficient, detached, aloof, doesn't need anyone and yet seems to want to keep me hanging wants closeness but then the DA behaviours kick in leading to a kind of dance of intimacy/ distance which is unpredictable and difficult to deal with particularly when you need consistency in a relationship (and I do).
He know's he's avoidant (or at least that he's not very good with feelings and finds relationships smothering) but he keeps pursuing ours. I'm fairly distant myself (AS) so maybe it's as simple as wanting what he can't have but when we were together (6 years) we did share some real emotional intimacy and he was vulnerable in a way that I suspect most DAs are not ie told me and others he was lonely without me, recognised the effect his family situation had upon his life. I think in his early years he was classic DA - a real playboy, commitment phobic, wanted to have fun constantly. This has changed alot - he's learnt mindfulness mediation and is generally more reflective on his behaviour but still avoids/ runs/ when he feels threatened and is hypersensitive to perceived criticism.
I know Jeb says that DA is FA taken to a protective extreme - I wonder if FA behaviour can manifest as part of the healing/ understanding of a recovering DA? Whether it's a kind of spectrum?
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Sept 3, 2017 3:12:48 GMT
Hi Ocarina,
For awhile I struggled with knowing which one my ex is as well. I think a lot of FAs have a lot of DA tendencies and same ways to avoid and distance. Main difference being, that I've seen, FAs ultimately crave intimacy. They always do, but just can't seem to be able to break down the barriers.
As for it being because they have healed slightly, or they are on the same spectrum, I think its a possibility that DAs could get sick of being alone. They see their past ex, their families, all moving on in life, and yet they just seem to not be able to nurture relationships. I know my FA ex, opened up to me like nobody ever before. He really tried, and I see that now. He is not a malicious or hurtful person. He is also 35, and has had 2 long term girlfriends before me. He has struggled with being able to move a relationship past a certain point. he may have very well been more DA, earlier on in his life, and as he got older, and did more inner work, became an FA. Im really not sure, as i didn't know him before the last few years.
Its just speculation. But I could see it being a possibility.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2017 7:21:52 GMT
Hi Ocarina, For awhile I struggled with knowing which one my ex is as well. I think a lot of FAs have a lot of DA tendencies and same ways to avoid and distance. Main difference being, that I've seen, FAs ultimately crave intimacy. They always do, but just can't seem to be able to break down the barriers. As for it being because they have healed slightly, or they are on the same spectrum, I think its a possibility that DAs could get sick of being alone. They see their past ex, their families, all moving on in life, and yet they just seem to not be able to nurture relationships. I know my FA ex, opened up to me like nobody ever before. He really tried, and I see that now. He is not a malicious or hurtful person. He is also 35, and has had 2 long term girlfriends before me. He has struggled with being able to move a relationship past a certain point. he may have very well been more DA, earlier on in his life, and as he got older, and did more inner work, became an FA. Im really not sure, as i didn't know him before the last few years. Its just speculation. But I could see it being a possibility. Thanks for your reply - I think growing up (for most people) brings with it more self awareness - until we got together my ex really couldn't see his part in the breakup of any of his relationships and blamed all the mad exes - we met at a time when he'd been on his own for a bit and began to examine what was going on and see the patterns. I thought that once this had happened the behaviours would naturally change but I've now learnt that these things are incredibly deeply ingrained neurally and it takes more than just wanting to do things differently to make things happen. Meditation has, incidentally been immensely helpful since it encourages one to sit with feelings of discomfort rather than reacting to them - our biggest challenge together was that any attempt to ask for my needs to be met was seen as conflict, as a sign that he was doing something wrong, a criticism and he'd shut down leaving me unable to address anything and either walking on egg shells for ever or leaving. |
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Sept 3, 2017 15:15:22 GMT
The way I look at it, if if they can't handle dealing with their own feelings, they have a tough time with anybody elses. My FA tried very hard. the first year of our relationship, he tried his hardest to be open and to understand the times i was mad/sad. He just couldn't connect his behaviour with why I was upset, when he pulled away from me and used distancing strategies, it was deeply hurtful to me. I didn't understand and blamed myself. He tried to tell me it wasn't me, but then never offered an explanation as to what it was, or tried to offer a solution, or to comfort me with me solving the problem together.
Like I've said, without being able to name the issue, or even have conversations about it, theres not much we can do.
Im not sure with a DA, as I can see with a lot of the posts on here, they may treat people crueler, and with little respect. But my FA has a very good heart, and even though he distances himself, he still tries to be respectful. it almost makes it harder, because it seems it would be easier to walk away if someone is cruel. Some of his actions over the last year have deeply hurt me, but now i see he has been protecting himself, and he really knows no different. He's so afraid of being seen, and thought of as weak, shitty or less than. i just try to remember my own growth through all of this, and how its helped me. i no longer have anxiety attached with him. i no longer blame myself. yes, i am very sad. This man is a big part of my life. but unfortunately, without healing, we just can't go any further.
I know its hard when you see the beautiful and hopeful qualities that come out. its much easier to write someone off if they give you nothing. But also, walking away means you cannot enable the behaviour any longer, and its not the kind of relationship you ultimately want. There is a fine line between supporting and enabling. We didn't hurt them in their childhood, we didn't cause the trauma. But we certainly pay for the consequences, of never being able to be too close to the person we love. sometimes I get angry about it, I feel cheated out of a life with my person.
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