What would a SA do?

I agree this matters a lot, but whether or not it's the only thing that matters depends on your goal.

Is your only goal having a secure(-ish) romantic relationship? Then yes, your choice of partner matters most, because you don't want someone who will continuously trigger you unnecessarily.

Or is your goal to earn secure? If it's to have a secure relationship AND earn secure, to feel more at peace with yourself and life overall, then it's about choosing a stable person with good character but also continuing self-work and not seeing the romantic relationship as a means to an end. This is equally important, because people with insecure attachment styles will continue to cope with stress in unhealthy ways and trigger themselves. It isn't only the interaction with a partner that causes triggering and maladaptive behaviors in self. It's the historic and not fully processed life trauma, as well.

But in both cases, choice of partner is a big part of the equation.

Serenity, your help is soooo appreciated! This is brilliant and helps so much. Thank you!!!!!


 
Some people are only pushed harder into their general overall attachment style by romantic partners or family members, but perhaps not friends. If you test secure with friends, how do you feel and approach that differently (and perhaps more securely) when you meet brand new people platonically? Do you excitedly project, fixate, or perhaps nitpick? Or is it calmer and simpler than your response to a potential romantic partner? If friendships unfold more organically and don't trigger you either anxious or avoidant, then you can think about a secure romantic situation unfolding similarly.


This is BRILLIANT! So incredibly helpful. I "get it" now!!


It's about being excited to get to know the person better rather than relating more directly with being excited or turned off by ruminating over how they seem able to potentially meet or not meet your needs.



So as a single mom this is coming through all the time: Would he be a good dad? Could I live with him? Is he supportive? etc. I directly do this with men I meet. Is that not normal/okay/SA?


You doing both, btw, is one of the things I've picked out that indicates you may be FA.

Both of what?

It's not uncommon for people to believe they're AP but they're actually FA. This is because some people really gravitate towards a certain type of other person and a certain type of dynamic. It might be repeating an unfulfilling childhood relationship dynamic you're unconsciously trying to fix, or it might simply be that it's a dynamic that feels very familiar and mirrors something you're used to (even if it's unhealthy or dysfunctional).

I guess some of the reasons I thought I was AP was when I literally *threw myself* at my ex who was super avoid-ant. I would call him a lot. He definitely triggered a very AP thing in me. But the fact that I was even with him suggests that I may be FA b/c he is so DA.

And the fact that the guy who ghosted me 2 weeks ago, I keep thinking about him. Like I want to write to him. (I won't.) but why am I even thinking about that idiot? That bothers me!

So if you're someone who tends to feel like you click more with avoidants, then you're far more likely to stay on the anxious side because that's the dynamic an FA will feel when paired with someone more avoidant than them.

AH! Okay, so that answers that, I guess.

But with someone more anxious, you'd get avoidant...

Yup.

but if you don't normally pair with anxious partners, you may think you're mostly only anxious because that's the place you experience more and are more conscious of. But it's not necessarily because you're AP, it's because you're not choosing more anxious or secure partners. If you were, you might quickly feel avoidant, which would make you shut down and possibly quickly leave the relationship because it would feel like you aren't attracted-- so that avoidant side you have may not even really have registered.


It's registering, but I think this definitely explains it given my behavior with someone who was AP. I found EVERYTHING wrong with him, shut down, screamed at him, etc. I also sorta did this with an SA. It's funny b/c those two always remind me of each other - but they are not really like - maybe a little, more I think it was how I *reacted* to them. I literally shouted at them, which was bewildering. And I ran away and later regretted it.


Since you keep pointing to you do have tendencies towards avoidance when not triggered anxious, it indicates you have issues in both areas but lean opposite of whoever you're paired with (normal for FA, who have a weak sense of consistency identity and are probably most prone to reacting to other people since they lack enough connection to self to hold steady on their own without external stimulus).


Yikes. I'm kind of dealing with this now. I'm working with a therapist who recently told me that I really identify with a survivor/strong identity but that's not all of who I am. I tried to externalize that identity, and I literally feel a blankness. Like I got so lost in that identity, and its been so many years of fighting and trauma and being embattled, that I forgot who I am without that. Phew.


You can think of it this way. Higher anxiety points (on the attachment style scale) mean greater distrust in self and higher fear of abandonment. Higher avoidance points mean greater distrust in others and higher fear of engulfment. FAs, therefore, experience all of those things, and swing all over the place in a disorganized way because they don't trust self or others enough -- so what can you trust??? It's a very, very difficult mindset which is why it's so i

I was going to say, yes, I experience and relate to both, unfortunately.

I think too, that a lot of this comes with experience. When anyone who is not naturally detached (like a DA)

Do you mind if I ask what "naturally detached" "like DA" means? I think I know a former DA partner (I'm guessing this is what he was - also covert narcissist, so probably fits).

falls in love with a emotionally present avoidant in the honeymoon phase, the relationship " looks secure". Then there is usually some kind of brutal discard,

On the part of whom? If I'm FA and the guy I was just talking to is maybe FA (could he have been DA? Don't know). But he did the discard.

followed by intermittent reinforcement.

Yeah, none of that here. (Right now). But I was (probably) an FA, as you are suggesting, who spent almost a year with a AP and while I didn't intentionally intermittently reinforce, it was A LOT of off/on, off/on.


Its not just "AP's" who will give the benefit of the doubt and try to get what they had back. Anyone with a lot of love in their heart, who hasn't been through it before, will become affected by this.


Who hasn't been through what before? I guess you're describing me here - FA with love in my heart (I did feel a connection with this recent guy and got "attached" to him).


Your job is not to fix yourself and blame your previous wounds for what happened. Its to carefully choose someone who won't do this to you. Learn about the signs of avoidance , don't commit too much of your time to people you don't know, and run if they look non-committal.


GOOD ADVICE!!!!


It doesn't matter of you came from a broken background or will never have enough resources and beauty to feel secure. The only thing that matters is learning to pick good people IMO.



Yep! Hopefully that's what I'm doing!