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Post by aristotle on Apr 9, 2020 13:25:30 GMT
I have observed from the comments that its quite common that an avoidant ex blocks the partner – and it’s usually to avoid conflict that arises is a relationship. Relationships, however, progress only if you address issues that crop up and DAs don’t let the relationship move past the conflict as it involves emotions.
In my relationship, I was sort of secure with some anxious traits, and I never behaved ‘needy’ – always let him initiate things, and I ended the relationship when I felt that my DA partner would withdraw for a few days. It seemed disrespectful to me until I learned about his attachment style. We were earlier in a long distance relationship, and after 8 months of the breakup and him blocking me – I am moving close to his city for work and I would really like to connect with him.
Would it be ok for an ex to reach out to the DA after a few months or a year- when things have cooled off, especially when the anxious has learned of their and thei ex's pattern? Or would it be violating the DAs boundaries by trying to reach out when they have blocked you.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 9, 2020 20:01:45 GMT
aristotle, why would you want to reach out? At worst, doing so violates the ex's boundaries. At best, it restarts the push-pull cycle between anxious and avoidant. It might be one thing if you organically bumped into each other after both letting go all romantic feelings and doing some work on yourselves and finding you mutually enjoyed the reconnection and it wouldn't come with the anxious-avoidant dance stress. But you've been thinking enough about this (analyzing your ex and understanding your ex is avoidant) that it's not going to be a situation that you have no attachment to the outcome and truly just casually want to see if you can be friends. It's going to hurt you if you get ignored and reaching out doesn't go the way you want. There's power in understanding other attachment types, but it makes a difference only if you're using the broader understanding of attachment theory and the other types to understand yourself and your attachment style and needs. Specifically, there's a difference between looking at someone else's style and saying, "now that I understand THEIR problems, I am optimistic something can change (them)" versus, "now that I understand other attachment styles, I can see my own more clearly, and that people have their own issues that have nothing to do with me. So now I can worry less about what they're doing, and focus more on deeply connecting with myself to grow more secure." People also repeat their patterns until real hard work and committed personal growth happens. If you've been blocked before, then you know that's how your ex handles his issues. Doesn't matter if the reason why is an avoidant style, you should be respectful but not walk on eggshells to make sure the other person never gets triggered (a wasted effort because insecurely attached people of all types may trigger themselves through overcoupling and projection no matter how you act.) Do you really want a friend who is likely to stonewall you every time you have a disagreement because they have no healthier coping and conflict resolution mechanisms? That doesn't seem like a fun approach to creating roots through your friendships / relationships in a new place after a move.
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Post by serenity on Apr 10, 2020 8:43:01 GMT
Hi aristotle,
I don't think you'd be violating his boundaries necessarily, he might have just pushed you out of his mind and forgot to unblock, rather than not welcome your communication.
But think very carefully about whether you'd be violating your own boundaries? Is it really okay for you to be around people who withdraw communication, block you instead of dealing with conflict in an adult way, ignore and reject you? Do you have any reason to believe he's any different to how he was before?
What he did to you was very hurtful and you were strong enough to set a healthy boundary. You've learned that it wasn't your fault he acted that way, but it doesn't mean his behaviour is okay or good for you. Try to focus on showing up for people with integrity in your life. Focus your valuable attention and care on them instead. The last thing you need is to be lonely and moving to a new place, and try to depend on someone who will only reject you again.
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kelly
New Member
Posts: 47
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Post by kelly on Apr 11, 2020 14:48:11 GMT
Hi aristotle, I don't think you'd be violating his boundaries necessarily, he might have just pushed you out of his mind and forgot to unblock, rather than not welcome your communication. But think very carefully about whether you'd be violating your own boundaries? Is it really okay for you to be around people who withdraw communication, block you instead of dealing with conflict in an adult way, ignore and reject you? Do you have any reason to believe he's any different to how he was before? What he did to you was very hurtful and you were strong enough to set a healthy boundary. You've learned that it wasn't your fault he acted that way, but it doesn't mean his behaviour is okay or good for you. Try to focus on showing up for people with integrity in your life. Focus your valuable attention and care on them instead. The last thing you need is to be lonely and moving to a new place, and try to depend on someone who will only reject you again. This is so true and something I have to remind myself of often. Where do my needs and feelings come into play? It’s easy to get pulled back into the cycle and forget how terrible you felt a lot of the time. |
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