Post by seeking on Apr 18, 2020 16:54:01 GMT
I finally got out of a covert-narc/toxic relationship.
But my life has still been affected (we have a child together).
I'm doing some deep soul-searching right now to help me move toward real healing. And I feel like getting a better understanding of this will help me put some "missing pieces" together.
When I was with this person -- or right from the very beginning he was "undecided about me" - how I "fell for him" I have no idea. But mostly when we were together and having a baby (he decided we should have a baby, three months into knowing each other), he stayed at work for 12-13 hours a day, rarely texted; if I texted him, he made excuse, ignored me. If we needed money, he got mad at me. He slept in another room. Eventually, one day, I went up to him and asked if he was talking to other women. He said he was. An ex-GF. I asked if he was looking at porn, he said yes. He also went out and bought a brand-new sports car, but if I asked him for money/food/clothes for our baby, household, etc. he got angry at me.
Eventually I kicked him out (our daughter was 2). He used to be passive aggressive, hide, put me down, wouldn't communicate, made me feel bad for wanting to communicate, wouldn't look at me during sex.
Nearly two years later, he came back and I took him back. This time he left again, shut our bank account, didn't pay child support, threatened me (I asked for a babysitter) and he said he'd "do thinks to me the likes of which I've never seen." I contacted DV. He flipped out. This time, he left for good. And would threaten to take our daughter.
I eventually moved an hour away to start over. He tried to get me back. It lasted a few months. Our daughter was really sick at that point, and needed us. She was in the hospital. He and I were arguing (about her needs/our family's needs) and after my daughter was home recovering, and I was taking care of her around the clock, I asked him for help, and he said "If you can't take care of her, I may need to take her." I later found out there was a new woman. Then I found out the new woman was pregnant.
I handled it all in stride. Some part of me felt immense relief that it was finally "over" - all the "hoovering" (a term I learned in narc literature) would finally be DONE. For good. But my daughter (age 8) really struggled with this sudden new family. She had a disastrous year of me holding her up and trying to help and trying to make peace with this new arrangement. I was kind to the new woman, warmly welcome her. Six months later, I sent her an email asking if she could bond with my daughter a bit, as my daughter was refusing to go there, and my ex was threatening to call the police on me if she didn't go. And every time I forced her to go, she'd come back and not be able to go to school the next day.
Bad idea. This woman was *crazy* - she wrote back, attacking me, telling me my ex was a "strong advocate" of our daughter, and that AT LEAST OUR DAUGHTER HAS A DAD! Went on to tell me the gruesome death her husband died of (?), and how her mother left when she was little. It was ... bizarre. So I was like alrighty then.
And I let things be.
A few months later, my ex filed to lower his child support. He'd always earned 160k a year and I was getting maybe $1k a month. Our daughter is on the autism spectrum. He'd paid me nothing, nothing toward expenses he said he would contribute to - in years - and so I fought back. Let's just say, the next year of my life (up until now - it's been just over a year) gave me PTSD. I really think the new GF was behind a lot of the viciousness of this battle - they tried to paint me as crazy, take my kid, called child protective services on me, hack into accounts, deposition me to give my passwords to accounts, bashed me, bullied me, gaslit. It went on and on.
I don't understand a couple who are raising young children (two of whom have been traumatized by the death of their father) (ex's GF's kids) who would do this to another mom. Esp when I did nothing to provoke them - I only defended the agreement that Ex and I had already mediated and already had in place. And I lost over 30k in legal expenses in the process and got nowhere. B/c ex wants to be imputed at 40k (income) and really get out of the whole deal (yet still take control and have power).
Anyway, I'm working on my own stuff around this. And what our future will look like, and how much to continue on with him in court.
But this is my question
I assume these two are *trauma bonded*
I can't imagine how much longer they can stay together? She is supporting him (with money she gets from her deceased husband's vet benefits). He hasn't worked in 2 years (they've been together 3 now). He has come forward with being bipolar, disabled (no clear disability), etc. And all she does is protect him fiercely like a wounded baby bird.
I can't tell who is more abusive.
They are both together in lockdown now with 3 kids (one under the age of 3) and three pets.
how does a man who barely could spend 10 minutes with me, suddenly "behave" and end up in a relationship like this?
This impacts my daughter (who he also acts very avoidant with and who is only 10 and still struggles with dad abandoning her for new family). And me. B/c as long as these two are together, I see the abuse cycle continuing (at me). And I can't take much more.
Will they eventually turn on one another when they have no one to abuse?
I just have a hard time imagining/knowing what is really happening here.
Any insight, input welcome. TIA!
But my life has still been affected (we have a child together).
I'm doing some deep soul-searching right now to help me move toward real healing. And I feel like getting a better understanding of this will help me put some "missing pieces" together.
When I was with this person -- or right from the very beginning he was "undecided about me" - how I "fell for him" I have no idea. But mostly when we were together and having a baby (he decided we should have a baby, three months into knowing each other), he stayed at work for 12-13 hours a day, rarely texted; if I texted him, he made excuse, ignored me. If we needed money, he got mad at me. He slept in another room. Eventually, one day, I went up to him and asked if he was talking to other women. He said he was. An ex-GF. I asked if he was looking at porn, he said yes. He also went out and bought a brand-new sports car, but if I asked him for money/food/clothes for our baby, household, etc. he got angry at me.
Eventually I kicked him out (our daughter was 2). He used to be passive aggressive, hide, put me down, wouldn't communicate, made me feel bad for wanting to communicate, wouldn't look at me during sex.
Nearly two years later, he came back and I took him back. This time he left again, shut our bank account, didn't pay child support, threatened me (I asked for a babysitter) and he said he'd "do thinks to me the likes of which I've never seen." I contacted DV. He flipped out. This time, he left for good. And would threaten to take our daughter.
I eventually moved an hour away to start over. He tried to get me back. It lasted a few months. Our daughter was really sick at that point, and needed us. She was in the hospital. He and I were arguing (about her needs/our family's needs) and after my daughter was home recovering, and I was taking care of her around the clock, I asked him for help, and he said "If you can't take care of her, I may need to take her." I later found out there was a new woman. Then I found out the new woman was pregnant.
I handled it all in stride. Some part of me felt immense relief that it was finally "over" - all the "hoovering" (a term I learned in narc literature) would finally be DONE. For good. But my daughter (age 8) really struggled with this sudden new family. She had a disastrous year of me holding her up and trying to help and trying to make peace with this new arrangement. I was kind to the new woman, warmly welcome her. Six months later, I sent her an email asking if she could bond with my daughter a bit, as my daughter was refusing to go there, and my ex was threatening to call the police on me if she didn't go. And every time I forced her to go, she'd come back and not be able to go to school the next day.
Bad idea. This woman was *crazy* - she wrote back, attacking me, telling me my ex was a "strong advocate" of our daughter, and that AT LEAST OUR DAUGHTER HAS A DAD! Went on to tell me the gruesome death her husband died of (?), and how her mother left when she was little. It was ... bizarre. So I was like alrighty then.
And I let things be.
A few months later, my ex filed to lower his child support. He'd always earned 160k a year and I was getting maybe $1k a month. Our daughter is on the autism spectrum. He'd paid me nothing, nothing toward expenses he said he would contribute to - in years - and so I fought back. Let's just say, the next year of my life (up until now - it's been just over a year) gave me PTSD. I really think the new GF was behind a lot of the viciousness of this battle - they tried to paint me as crazy, take my kid, called child protective services on me, hack into accounts, deposition me to give my passwords to accounts, bashed me, bullied me, gaslit. It went on and on.
I don't understand a couple who are raising young children (two of whom have been traumatized by the death of their father) (ex's GF's kids) who would do this to another mom. Esp when I did nothing to provoke them - I only defended the agreement that Ex and I had already mediated and already had in place. And I lost over 30k in legal expenses in the process and got nowhere. B/c ex wants to be imputed at 40k (income) and really get out of the whole deal (yet still take control and have power).
Anyway, I'm working on my own stuff around this. And what our future will look like, and how much to continue on with him in court.
But this is my question
I assume these two are *trauma bonded*
I can't imagine how much longer they can stay together? She is supporting him (with money she gets from her deceased husband's vet benefits). He hasn't worked in 2 years (they've been together 3 now). He has come forward with being bipolar, disabled (no clear disability), etc. And all she does is protect him fiercely like a wounded baby bird.
I can't tell who is more abusive.
They are both together in lockdown now with 3 kids (one under the age of 3) and three pets.
how does a man who barely could spend 10 minutes with me, suddenly "behave" and end up in a relationship like this?
This impacts my daughter (who he also acts very avoidant with and who is only 10 and still struggles with dad abandoning her for new family). And me. B/c as long as these two are together, I see the abuse cycle continuing (at me). And I can't take much more.
Will they eventually turn on one another when they have no one to abuse?
I just have a hard time imagining/knowing what is really happening here.
Any insight, input welcome. TIA!
