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Post by kittycat1230 on Apr 30, 2020 2:40:48 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could...
My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense.
I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.”
I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact?
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Post by annieb on Apr 30, 2020 14:54:30 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could... My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense. I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.” I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact? How about never? I’m serious. If you haven’t already been through the ringer with him, why put yourself through more? At this point I would focus on your own attachment style and what it means. Put your good heart and compassion into yourself and other things that are not your DA. When someone dumps you you better believe them. We all cane to this forum looking for answers to connect with our DA and most of them are long gone and we were left wondering what happened. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 16:07:34 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could... My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense. I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.” I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact? I understand that you love him and I am very sorry that your relationship ended. What would be your motive to contact him? Do you want to just be “friends”? Or are you hoping that he changes his mind. “I do love you, but I made my decision.”<——this tells me he cares about you, but that he does not want to date you anymore...are you ok with that? |
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Post by dhali on Apr 30, 2020 16:50:12 GMT
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is very painful to be discarded, especially when it comes out of nowhere. Closure is hard to get, and you’re dealing with intermittent reenforcement just to top everything off. I’d suggest that it’s probably best to leave your ex alone. Let him do the work. Granted, he may never do that, but that’s indicative of the work he’ll put into a relationship.
Things are so raw for you right now, that you need time for perspective. Probably a fair amount of time. Post here, you’ll gain more clarity, imo. Your focus will also change. That’s a good thing. Hang in there!
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Post by kittycat1230 on Apr 30, 2020 19:07:22 GMT
I’m not sure how to reply to individual comments on here, but I’d like to re-engage to see if there is potential there to try again at a relationship. I was thinking that maybe he would have time to miss me, we were living together for a month with quarantine going on and genuinely were so happy. When he ended things I asked if he had ever considered ending the relationship before that moment and he said no. I asked if he was happy with me and he said yes. The breakup was really a result of a situation where I projected some feelings I have towards my dad on him when I was blacked out. Things along the lines of “I don’t need another father, your acting like my dad, you don’t care about me.” It was the first and o my time I have ever been anything to him other than kind and loving. I feel like idk maybe is there a chance that with distance, he might get to a point when the dissociation stops, he might want to revisit things.
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Post by kittycat1230 on Apr 30, 2020 19:13:38 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could... My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense. I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.” I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact? I understand that you love him and I am very sorry that your relationship ended. What would be your motive to contact him? Do you want to just be “friends”? Or are you hoping that he changes his mind. “I do love you, but I made my decision.”<——this tells me he cares about you, but that he does not want to date you anymore...are you ok with that? I’m not sure if this is how to properly reply (again I’m new here) but yeah I’m hoping that maybe with distance and time he might actually miss me and our relationship and reconsider. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 30, 2020 19:27:14 GMT
I’m not sure how to reply to individual comments on here, but I’d like to re-engage to see if there is potential there to try again at a relationship. I was thinking that maybe he would have time to miss me, we were living together for a month with quarantine going on and genuinely were so happy. When he ended things I asked if he had ever considered ending the relationship before that moment and he said no. I asked if he was happy with me and he said yes. The breakup was really a result of a situation where I projected some feelings I have towards my dad on him when I was blacked out. Things along the lines of “I don’t need another father, your acting like my dad, you don’t care about me.” It was the first and o my time I have ever been anything to him other than kind and loving. I feel like idk maybe is there a chance that with distance, he might get to a point when the dissociation stops, he might want to revisit things. So this one time when you said what you meant, he immediately dumped you? That’s a great reason to not be in a relationship with a man. You’re trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to please an avoidant. An avoidant needs mental health help, and no, you cannot change them by being loving and kind. They will manufacture conflict to project their negative feelings on you and you will lose no matter what. You need to take some time off from this and you’ll be surprised how much happier you can be. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 19:38:44 GMT
I’m not sure how to reply to individual comments on here, but I’d like to re-engage to see if there is potential there to try again at a relationship. I was thinking that maybe he would have time to miss me, we were living together for a month with quarantine going on and genuinely were so happy. When he ended things I asked if he had ever considered ending the relationship before that moment and he said no. I asked if he was happy with me and he said yes. The breakup was really a result of a situation where I projected some feelings I have towards my dad on him when I was blacked out. Things along the lines of “I don’t need another father, your acting like my dad, you don’t care about me.” It was the first and o my time I have ever been anything to him other than kind and loving. I feel like idk maybe is there a chance that with distance, he might get to a point when the dissociation stops, he might want to revisit things. Yeh...the flaw in this thinking is assuming that “if you are perfect he will stay”. A truly committed individual would have understood that you were not in the right place and would have set time for the 2 of you to talk about it. What you are telling yourself is that his need for everything to be perfect is more important than your need to be authentic. That cannot last....you cannot be miss ray of sunshine all the time....something else is going to come up because as humans we are faulty, messy etc. If he cannot deal with it...it shows a lack of empathy and understanding on his side rather then something you need to fix solely on your side. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 30, 2020 19:51:14 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Apr 30, 2020 19:54:13 GMT
kittycat1230, you can tag someone to reply by just typing the at symbol before their username @
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Post by serenity on May 1, 2020 4:49:58 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could... My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense. I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.” I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact? Kittycat, The attachment-style psychologists / relationship coaches like Thais Gibson (on youtube) say DA's usually need at least 3 months of radio silence before they would even begin to miss you and feel their loss. I've heard them say its pretty useless to try before 6 weeks for any avoidant, but DA's need the longest time (3 months or more). I dated a couple of DA's when i was much younger, and I didn't find them very receptive to communication in the first year after the breakup. In those cases, it was because they had already started looking around for "better" women when they made the decision to breakup (DA's prefer to believe the grass is greener). They absolutely wanted nothing to do with friendship or contact when they were chasing others post breakup. I knew both of those DA guys for around 20 years after, and there were plenty of times they were receptive to rekindling things, after the first year after breakup. Usually it was when they had ended a relationship with someone else, though one tried to get with me multiple times when he was married. I feel personally that if someone can throw you away like trash for the flimsiest of reasons, they are not someone you can trust. I would never trust any of those exes again, and they went onto fail in all their relationships. The married one now has a broken family because of divorce. There are MUCH better quality men out there who can offer you a deep authentic connection, and a ton of relationship security. |
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Post by Helsbells on May 2, 2020 12:58:06 GMT
I’m sorry if this might have been covered already, I read as many threads as I could... My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Then it all made sense. I love him with my whole heart, and I actually feel my love for him strengthened once I discovered his DA attachment. It hurts that he must be hurting so very deep down. But anyway, I respect that he does not want to have any interaction with me. We are NC. In the breakup he was very cold, I asked if he really did love me, and in a very business transaction tone said “I do love you, but I made my decision.” I was thinking of reaching out in about another month, maybe 6 weeks, with very light, non-emotional content just to see if he would be at a place where he’s interested in re-engaging. I would like the perspective of a DA here - how long after a breakup with someone you really loved did you find you would have been/were receptive to contact? Kittycat, The attachment-style psychologists / relationship coaches like Thais Gibson (on youtube) say DA's usually need at least 3 months of radio silence before they would even begin to miss you and feel their loss. I've heard them say its pretty useless to try before 6 weeks for any avoidant, but DA's need the longest time (3 months or more). I dated a couple of DA's when i was much younger, and I didn't find them very receptive to communication in the first year after the breakup. In those cases, it was because they had already started looking around for "better" women when they made the decision to breakup (DA's prefer to believe the grass is greener). They absolutely wanted nothing to do with friendship or contact when they were chasing others post breakup. I knew both of those DA guys for around 20 years after, and there were plenty of times they were receptive to rekindling things, after the first year after breakup. Usually it was when they had ended a relationship with someone else, though one tried to get with me multiple times when he was married. I feel personally that if someone can throw you away like trash for the flimsiest of reasons, they are not someone you can trust. I would never trust any of those exes again, and they went onto fail in all their relationships. The married one now has a broken family because of divorce. There are MUCH better quality men out there who can offer you a deep authentic connection, and a ton of relationship security. Couldn't agree more serenity |
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Post by BecomingMe on May 2, 2020 14:48:38 GMT
kittycat1230, I sort of tried what Thais Gibson mentioned in her videos. But after 5 months. Did a lot of reading and understanding about my own attachment style in that period(I am a dismissive leaning FA). I went into it eyes wide open - knowing that my ex would distance, knowing that my abandonment wounds would get triggered, knowing my anxious side would act up. All of this happened and with the lockdown, I had to draw some boundaries for myself and stop texting him. I do not know your dating history or your attachment stylw and I absolutely do not say reaching out to your ex will turn out to be like how my experience turned out, but like a lot of other members have said, please be prepared for your ex to not fully engage. This can add more injury to the pain of a breakup. I can imagine the hurt you must be going through. But these are already tough times and we must do all to take care of ourselves. Sending you lots of internet hugs!
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Post by kittycat1230 on May 2, 2020 20:03:17 GMT
kittycat1230, I sort of tried what Thais Gibson mentioned in her videos. But after 5 months. Did a lot of reading and understanding about my own attachment style in that period(I am a dismissive leaning FA). I went into it eyes wide open - knowing that my ex would distance, knowing that my abandonment wounds would get triggered, knowing my anxious side would act up. All of this happened and with the lockdown, I had to draw some boundaries for myself and stop texting him. I do not know your dating history or your attachment stylw and I absolutely do not say reaching out to your ex will turn out to be like how my experience turned out, but like a lot of other members have said, please be prepared for your ex to not fully engage. This can add more injury to the pain of a breakup. I can imagine the hurt you must be going through. But these are already tough times and we must do all to take care of ourselves. Sending you lots of internet hugs! Thank you so much for the feedback, support, and virtual hugs! I took the test posted on jebs website and i came back as secure. I can be at peace with our without him, I’m doing a 4 week self love course and working with a therapist as we speak... but it’s funny, on one of our earlier dates we were camping (way before I even heard of attachment theory). And we were looking each other in the eyes, and I told him that he has this tough exterior but I can see that he has a softness in him. I know he wants that love and connection as much as I do. I know he’s capable. I’m not saying I want to lock myself in to a relationship with someone’s potential, but I feel I would feel safe reaching out, and not take it personally if I didn’t hear back... I’m also forcing myself to wait to reach out regarding the plethora of my belongings at his house (6 hours away from me). I just want to give him time to process feelings, and admittedly give myself better odds or re-engaging successfully. We broke up almost 3 weeks ago, I was thinking reaching out in June regarding my belongings, and maybe sometime in July seeing where he is at? What are your thoughts? |
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Post by alexandra on May 2, 2020 20:40:56 GMT
My DA boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. It was very abrupt, and didn’t make sense to me at all until I discovered attachment theory. We were incredibly happy, never fought. Hi, sorry you're going through this.
I wanted to highlight the above you posted. Never fighting is, unfortunately, usually a very bad sign, not a good one. The thing is, if you are secure, on your side you may never fight because if something bothers you, you bring it up and address it in the moment, and you resolve it quickly. Nothing festers, everything seems easy, fine, happy. When you date someone with insecure attachment, there's a huge range of other behavioral patterns, thought patterns, and responses that are very different than how a secure handles conflict. Very often when you're dating someone with insecure attachment and you never fight, it is because the other person is actually not communicating -- it isn't because you've resolved conflicts as they come up. This is how you can end up blindsided, thinking everything is good, and then there's a break up that appears to have been made without much thought or attempt to fix the relationship. There was thought, but the person did their conflict resolution by not communicating, holding in resentment, projecting (probably rooted past issues that don't even have anything to do with you, but the partner is convinced they do, as this is a hallmark of insecure attachment and why it's hard to earn secure), choosing not to be open or direct with you and work with you to solve the problem, and (in the case of an avoidant) detach / shutdown because that's how their nervous systems are wired to handle conflict (due to conditioning in their childhood to co-exist and survive in a difficult situation with adult caretakers who aren't meeting their childhood needs).
What appears to you to be, he just panicked and needs more time, may actually indeed be huge incompatibilities in your relationship. You can't change all the things I just listed. If that's someone's demeanor and pattern, then it is up to them to recognize and feel that it's causing enough difficulty in their lives to work through. But unaware avoidants tend to blame others (because they distrust others from earlier conditioning) and not look inward or feel motivated (or even empowered enough) to want to change this. As much as you love him, I've been with partners like this, even on and off and on again with partners like this, and I never want to go through that again. I was enabling it before because I was AP (and we have the same communication problems as above, but for different reasons, than avoidants), and once I earned secure I saw how incompatible and difficult this really is to deal with unless the person is already, independently and self-motivated on their own, doing work to earn secure. In which case, there's a chance things could eventually turn out differently and resolve. Without the other person already being there in their own process, there's really no chance.
I wouldn't put a set plan in place and overthink how to communicate with him to get him back, unless you have no long-term relationship goals. If your goal is to get married and start a family, and he's DA, this could be a long work in progress for you to wait out. If you're not looking for that any time in the immediate future and feel you have months or years to wait, then as long as you're being honest with yourself about your decision to do that instead of moving on, that's fine. It's also somewhat disrespectful of his boundaries if he said this is what he wants and you are intending to see if you can change him and change his mind. If he comes back to you on his own, then it's possible to make progress, but you going to him because you're ready and he's not will also likely not result in any changes.
Good luck!
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