DA suddenly being nice?

I find it strange for an FA to say “is it possible for someone to flip a switch”. We’re surely the kings and queens of that! Is it possible that you misread FA for DA, and you’re now seeing this side of it?

Maybe he isnt feeling as smothered or engulfed or he is scared of losing you for good so you arent as much of a threat right now . Unless he is getting help I wouldnt trust it but definitely you should say you've noticed a good change .

It must be the day for it , my mothers day cupcakes didnt turn out and my da or fa whatever would normally make some comment because he loves to point out everything wrong that I do but he saw it upset me a bit and was actually trying to reassure me . I know it's a small thing but he has never done that before

Good idea but I have known this person now for 3 years and we dated for 6 months and he is very consistently DA. None of the desperate pull traits. So unless it’s very well hidden, I doubt it

soconfused, you said you're still hooking up with him. That means you're not seeing each other as just friends, and the romantic connection that triggers you both is still there (even if it's only physical). If you want to truly just be friends, you need to stop hooking up.

But it sounds like you want more than friendship anyway. And if he's your ex, and hasn't expressed that he wants to get back together and is usually distancing from you (while still hooking up with you), he's not viewing this as a relationship getting-back-together-slowly situation. And the secure thing to do is talk to him about it, tell him what you want, hear out what he wants, and then leave if what you both want isn't aligned. Leaving can mean taking a break and then trying to be friends again a little later, or it can mean moving on to a new situation that meets your needs and making sure you're over the ex first before deciding if you want to have him in your life as just a friend.

Guessing and reading tea leaves is out of fear, not out of patience and earned secure behavior. You're afraid he'll tell you something you don't want to hear, or shut down. But if that happens, it's because there's a romantic incompatibility in what you want which causes you to trigger each other. Plus, there's no possibility of a real relationship if bringing it up would cause him to get so defensive you can't get a real answer out of him. There's no trust or decent communication. That's a recipe for longer-term failure.

Him feeling safe, as your friend, is great. But his avoidant attachment style existed long before he met you and has nothing to do with you, which is why you can't fix it or change him. Do you really want to keep hooking up with an ex who isn't always nice to you and wishing he'll change?

I'm sure you've come a long way in the last 12 months, and you are likely more secure than you were before you learned about attachment theory, so bravo for the hard work! But to keep growing and really get secure, you've got to keep focusing on yourself and not get distracted with wishful thinking that he can come around. If the current situation with him doesn't make you happy, then be honest with yourself about that and about your role in it instead of trying to mind-read.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but I've dated plenty of avoidants and gotten stuck on exes for ages, wishing they'd finally change and come around. What really helps is connecting to yourself so you understand what you truly want, practicing communicating it to overcome your fear, and accepting if it ends up being an outcome you didn't want so you can then move on because it's what's best for you. If he hasn't changed in 3 years, he's not ready and willing to change at the stage of his life, and you can't control where he is in his process. You can only control yourself. You deserve better than someone who can't even be consistently nice to you when you're hooking up, but it's harder to believe that until you leave the physical and romantic aspect of this relationship behind you.

Communicate, heal, and then be his friend later if you still want. If you're trying to model secure behavior, that's the secure way through this.

I agree with this. He is feeling ok to approach you due to recent space and distance. Start to get close again and he'll probably withdraw.

soconfused In my experience, even if avoidant partners and exes get more secure with me, they are not overall getting more secure in their attachment style. So, blindsiding defense mechanism behaviors, especially when triggered, will still pop up to push me away, and true re-commitment romantically for any actual amount of time (like, more than a couple weeks) has never once happened (even if hooking up was on and off). Also, if they get triggered to seem emotionally closer (which is usually an anxious trigger in an FA -- it's also possible that you've only seen him be DA because he triggers you anxious which triggers him avoidant, and you weren't avoidant enough with him to trigger him anxious in the past)... in my experience, either this is always short-lived if directly related to you OR a result of other things going on in their lives -- often, someone else dumping them and them needing attention and validation, as another poster said. I have never seen it be anything else, personally, because that only happens if someone is truly earning secure. If they're not an outlier doing the work and in the middle of shifting attachment styles, they're just repeating their same patterns over and over and you're seeing a different stage of their normal cycle. So, it'll bounce back as soon as they feel engulfed or they find someone else to pine for ("the one", but only from enough of a distance!).

In general, people with insecure attachment of all types are projecting out past wounds and acting them out at you. It's basically never actually about you, because they see people in regards to their own established defense mechanisms and insecurities, and simply don't see their partners clearly and objectively for who they are. Anxious or avoidant, all do that. That's why these things go on endlessly in circles if you'll let them. True conflict resolution and processing isn't happening because the issues aren't really about the partner so you can't get anywhere that way.

In fact, I'd recommend reading about over- and under-coupling for more information. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2372/overcoupling-stress-response (the now deleted poster was a DA).

Since I've stopped accepting these unstable situations, dating is so much less complicated, draining, and dramatic.