It was doomed before it even started....

So I have been looking back at my journals from the time that B and I first became friends and then into the relationship.   I see myself struggling to keep a rational perspective while being inundated with fantasies and fears.  Even before we were solid friends, I note times when he would hug another girl and how that made me feel jealous.  There was even a time when I asked for a do over of the friendship because I thought I had said some things wrong (he actually looked perplexed when I asked).  

Part of what I am trying to grow in is a more adult perspective on “not being chosen”.  I think the fact that I was not given a choice regarding the break up, opened up a lot of other wounds when I felt I had no choice...my parents divorce, my dad winning custody and then not wanting me etc.  These things were out of my control...yet, they have felt so personal...as B’s break up felt personal...as if they said something about me and my value.  

Placing boundaries where there were none before is unfamiliar....accepting autonomy is also new waters.