DA Drug Usage/Substance Abuse

Jenga, I just wanted to say that it doesn't matter what he is or what he isn't, please put the focus back on yourself and let him be. Sending peace and love.

The DA I knew totally abstains from everything - mostly from a fear of losing control and family history. I would almost prefer for them to relax and indulge a little - perhaps lose a little control and act a little human - but they probably know best 

I've read that DA almost always have some sort of addiction. I usually find such sweeping statements suspect and I have seen these in psychology writing but not necessarily in actual research findings. Anxious individuals can be prone to self medicating pain of rejection or low self esteem. The thinking for DA is that they need the addiction either to feel something comfortably or to distract.
When I met my ex he didn't drink much but when he did he always got wasted. Like can barely walk might vomit wasted. He didn't see the point of drinking if he wasn't going to get really drunk. Fast forward years later when he finally has a social life and he drinks to excess frequently. Has mastered drinking in small quantities but if he wants to have fun still gets to the can barely walk and actually fell over several times. I expressed my worry that he drank too much and it was always met with denial. He was very against marijuana when I met and now he does it frequently, might just be California culture. The most interesting was he tried Molly and became incredibly loving and open and wanted sex as much as I did. At this point our relationship was literally crashing down around us and we were having the best sex we had ever had in our ten year relationship but he was either wasted or rolling. I kept hoping and even slightly encouraging him to do Molly because I knew he would be loving and and present.
I don't know if I buy the idea that DA have an addiction but I suspect attachment insecurity itself causes a lot of pain that increases one's chance of looking to substances for escape.

 I've always been wary of partners who lose themselves in something - whether it's drugs, work, alcohol or whatever. I think it's a sign of maturity to be able to confront ones own demons and in a relationship that's what I want - someone who is willing to be really present. All these behaviours take away from that ability to be really there for another person and in this way they damage trust and connection.

There's a great book by Tich Nacht Hahn called True Love which describes it really well - how can you seek to truly love if you're not there for whatever reason.

This is not meant to be judgmental on those who hold alot of pain and don't know or want to deal with it - it does mean however that I'd watch out for them as you end up dealing with their damage and hurt as well as your own which is unlikely to have a happy outcome as it helps them to avoid their own issues.

Jalessa - I could have written your post myself - the promise of change, the wonderful reconciliation, stopping drinking and drugs, reading the books I read and all the rest - it never lasted long though and he still wants to try again after goodness knows how many attempts and how many years of pain for me. 

The thing is that it was all about him - I was his drug and all he wanted was to have his supply but there was nothing about what he might give back to me, remorse at the pain he was causing. He knew he was doing it too - not an attractive trait - he was quite aware and yet still couldn't see the point of even attempting to do things differently. That was the killer for me.