annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on May 18, 2020 16:30:38 GMT
It's been several months since I last heard from him. And I am still obsessing and feeling terrible pain. The feeling of rejection hurts terribly, the idea that he was my soul-mate, as well as his hot and cold cycles got me trapped. We broke up with him telling me that he loves me (we live far away from each other, so he made this choice). A perfect way to keep me trapped, isn't it? And the moment is not really helping to move on, since I am stuck at home under quarantine in a new place where I barely know anyone. Depression and grief are constant, and unbereable. I am already doing therapy, which helps a bit, but still don't know how to achieve my goal to stop feeling love and interest for him. I want to know how to make that happen. Self-help books and websites keep saying try new hobbies, think about work etc but this doesn't help, I am unable to function and to feel decently. Please share your experience, how did you get over an ex? How to stop loving someone?
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Post by tnr9 on May 18, 2020 18:07:57 GMT
It's been several months since I last heard from him. And I am still obsessing and feeling terrible pain. The feeling of rejection hurts terribly, the idea that he was my soul-mate, as well as his hot and cold cycles got me trapped. We broke up with him telling me that he loves me (we live far away from each other, so he made this choice). A perfect way to keep me trapped, isn't it? And the moment is not really helping to move on, since I am stuck at home under quarantine in a new place where I barely know anyone. Depression and grief are constant, and unbereable. I am already doing therapy, which helps a bit, but still don't know how to achieve my goal to stop feeling love and interest for him. I want to know how to make that happen. Self-help books and websites keep saying try new hobbies, think about work etc but this doesn't help, I am unable to function and to feel decently. Please share your experience, how did you get over an ex? How to stop loving someone?
First...I am so sorry for your break up and I completely understanding the looping thoughts. Has your therapist provided you with anything for you to try? you mention you are depressed....have you talked to your therapist about this? The reason I ask is that I too was in a very looping state...you can look back over my pages of trying to get over the guy I dated. My very astute doctor noticed that I was really struggling and suggested I might be low on serotonin. I am currently on an SSRI and it has really changed things for me. i do wish you well. |
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annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on May 19, 2020 21:02:09 GMT
Thanks for your reply. Yes, she did mention the antidepressanst, but I still don't want to take them. Honestly, I am afraid that starting them would make me dependant or something. But please tell me...How do they make a difference? Are the looping thoughts gone? Sorry I am really ignorant on this and would genuinely like to know more.
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Post by tnr9 on May 20, 2020 14:34:53 GMT
Thanks for your reply. Yes, she did mention the antidepressanst, but I still don't want to take them. Honestly, I am afraid that starting them would make me dependant or something. But please tell me...How do they make a difference? Are the looping thoughts gone? Sorry I am really ignorant on this and would genuinely like to know more. So....obviously each person’s experience is unique and like you, I was really hesitant to go on them as well. For me, the SSRI has given me access to reason, an ability to get “above” the emotions....the ability to “pause” instead of reacting. It took a while for the looping thoughts to subside (I still have them, but they don’t take over my day or hijack my emotions to the degree they used to) but even while I was going through them...they did not last nearly as long (remember that this has been your brain’s normal go to for decades so be patient with yourself). Also...I recommend looking at this a bit differently...would you deny a person who has hypothyroidism from getting treatment? No. That is an auto immune issue...not caused by the person. An antidepressant addresses a chemical imbalance in your brain. |
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Post by serenity on May 20, 2020 20:38:44 GMT
It's been several months since I last heard from him. And I am still obsessing and feeling terrible pain. The feeling of rejection hurts terribly, the idea that he was my soul-mate, as well as his hot and cold cycles got me trapped. We broke up with him telling me that he loves me (we live far away from each other, so he made this choice). A perfect way to keep me trapped, isn't it? And the moment is not really helping to move on, since I am stuck at home under quarantine in a new place where I barely know anyone. Depression and grief are constant, and unbereable. I am already doing therapy, which helps a bit, but still don't know how to achieve my goal to stop feeling love and interest for him. I want to know how to make that happen. Self-help books and websites keep saying try new hobbies, think about work etc but this doesn't help, I am unable to function and to feel decently. Please share your experience, how did you get over an ex? How to stop loving someone?
Hi Anne, I am so sorry for your pain and lonliness. Its a horrible situation to be in, but you will get through this. Personally, I believe many of us become trauma bonded to Avoidants because of the way Avoidants suddenly "discard" love ones , combined with intermittent reinforcement. Overcoming trauma bonding is a far more difficult and lengthy process than grieving the end of a normal relationship, as you (sadly) know. But there is a lot of good info about trauma bonds on the internet that addresses this specifically. I'll post a couple of links for you. Some things that I learned from reading everything I could about this include: 1. Your brain chemistry will be unbalanced for some time after the breakup because of the kind of addictive relationship you were in. Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol (and other) levels will be swinging all over the place for a while before they stabilize. SSRI's will usually help with serotonin levels, but keep in mind its only one of your unbalanced brain chemicals. SSRI's don't help with severely burned out dopamine receptors, and your hormones are also unbalanced. Time and very good self care will help a lot with stabilizing you. Make yourself exercise and cut out bad food or habits like drinking, if you aren't already. The exercise will help with a lot of things, but especially low dopamine and your excess cortisol levels that leave you feeling anxious, sad, and drained. 2. Mentally, practice rigorous truth-telling. Trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement are based on false hope and "what could be" rather than whats really happening, or happened. What did really happen? A guy who said he loved you gave you crumbs of intermittent affection and threw you away. That's not love. Were your needs for intimacy and security and communication being fully met? Its unlikely. Keep telling yourself the truth about that relationship. Write it out, challenge your false hope and magical thinking. You are lovable and not to blame for his mental health issues. 3. Be gentle with yourself and your process. Try to negate negative self talk with positive self talk. If you confide in people, pick people who don't invalidate or dismiss you, victim blame, or suggest you should hurry up. You were psychologically and emotionally trapped by a very specific kind of relationship dynamic, and it will take as long as it takes to heal. These are some articles that I found very helpful : www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victimswww.goodtherapy.org/blog/10-steps-to-recovering-from-toxic-trauma-bond-0110175tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/ |
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annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on May 21, 2020 23:14:09 GMT
Thanks so much, Serenty, it's really helpful. About point 1: that's true, the problem is that it's almost a year now and I keep feeling so much stress. I have days of pure panic and anxiety. Other days are total depression and inability to do anything. Some days are normal. I can feel again interest for my work and for life without him. It's a cycle. It never stops. I know that when I feel better it won't last long. That's why my therapist talked about antidepressants. Indeed, to do the workout etc one really needs to feel motivated, and the problem is that I lost motivation as well. I know that I am the only one who can save herself, and still, I kind of can't. I find your advice really helpful. It made me realize that my focus is mostly on the 'could have been' and hope rather than on what really happened. You put this in the right way, I will remember this in the toughest moments.
Excellent articles. The intermittent reinforcement thing, it just brilliantly describes everything. And grief is exactly what they say, letting go with open hands. Guess my hands are still closed....I still don't let him go. Such a mistake.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2020 23:57:16 GMT
Thanks so much, Serenty, it's really helpful. About point 1: that's true, the problem is that it's almost a year now and I keep feeling so much stress. I have days of pure panic and anxiety. Other days are total depression and inability to do anything. Some days are normal. I can feel again interest for my work and for life without him. It's a cycle. It never stops. I know that when I feel better it won't last long. That's why my therapist talked about antidepressants. Indeed, to do the workout etc one really needs to feel motivated, and the problem is that I lost motivation as well. I know that I am the only one who can save herself, and still, I kind of can't. I find your advice really helpful. It made me realize that my focus is mostly on the 'could have been' and hope rather than on what really happened. You put this in the right way, I will remember this in the toughest moments. Excellent articles. The intermittent reinforcement thing, it just brilliantly describes everything. And grief is exactly what they say, letting go with open hands. Guess my hands are still closed....I still don't let him go. Such a mistake. for me, part of the grieving process was giving up my dreams of having a wonderful, loving home/partner. "he" was just a person to help me achieve those dreams, and as much as i did love him and grieved losing him, the deepest grieving I had was for myself and "lost dreams"; letting him go was like letting my hopes/dreams go, and it was very difficult to disentangle the two. so the "could have been" is the hardest to let go, because happiness and love felt so close yet so far, and it feels like it's just my own fault for not being able to have it. Recognizing what you are meant to and have to let go e.g., toxic beliefs, expectations etc, may be helpful in your grieving process. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 22, 2020 13:26:42 GMT
Thanks so much, Serenty, it's really helpful. About point 1: that's true, the problem is that it's almost a year now and I keep feeling so much stress. I have days of pure panic and anxiety. Other days are total depression and inability to do anything. Some days are normal. I can feel again interest for my work and for life without him. It's a cycle. It never stops. I know that when I feel better it won't last long. That's why my therapist talked about antidepressants. Indeed, to do the workout etc one really needs to feel motivated, and the problem is that I lost motivation as well. I know that I am the only one who can save herself, and still, I kind of can't. I find your advice really helpful. It made me realize that my focus is mostly on the 'could have been' and hope rather than on what really happened. You put this in the right way, I will remember this in the toughest moments. Excellent articles. The intermittent reinforcement thing, it just brilliantly describes everything. And grief is exactly what they say, letting go with open hands. Guess my hands are still closed....I still don't let him go. Such a mistake. If it makes you feel any better...I am 3 years out, he is now engaged and I still “miss him”. What I have come to understand is that I can be my own worst enemy by judging my behaviors. There were some really great, amazing things about B that were highlighted during the phases of closeness that I wanted in a partner and truly miss about him. As far as “letting go”.. for me...it is a daily process...some days I don’t think about him at all....some days I spiral in bit in visions of him and his fiancée (I acknowledge those but do not judge them or put hope in them, I simply tell myself...yep, that is 1 possibility, but there are others). I also find I miss him more when I feel embarrassed or stressed or angry or depressed...because I want someone to help me regulate my emotions. So during those times, I allow myself to miss that while working with my therapist on self regulation exercises. I wish you well. |
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Post by lionesse0405 on Jul 15, 2020 14:27:08 GMT
I feel you! on every level.. I have been entangled with a DA (being AP myself) for over 2,5 years. On/off, long periods of NC and always getting back together or contacting each other again. It is excruciating!
I don't have any good advice on this, since I am struggling a lot with my feelings for him myself. I am in therapy tho and fully aware of our dynamic. I try to be kind and compassionate with myself and basically re-parenting myself for a couple of months now but there is still this exhausting longing for him.
We are not a good match, I know that. He is on the very far end of the DA spectrum, so the limbo was also very strong between us.
I try to tell myself everyday that no matter what happens, this is not going to work out, since he is completely hesitant to therapy and not working on himself. He is not even willing to talk about our issues. He shuts down immediately so there is no communication from his end.
There is no way that we end up together as a couple, I know this in my mind and my soul.
I try to be as tender as possible to myself. I meet my friends a lot who like me and support me and I do yoga and long walks every day (2-3 hours each day) and a lot of breathing exercises and simply forgiving myself. I cry a lot too.
I know that I normally need 6 months to get over a relationship so there is that.
My last contact with him was on June, 10 so I still need more time to heal.
I send you love and hugs!
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Post by simply on Jul 20, 2020 10:13:48 GMT
I feel you! on every level.. I have been entangled with a DA (being AP myself) for over 2,5 years. On/off, long periods of NC and always getting back together or contacting each other again. It is excruciating! I don't have any good advice on this, since I am struggling a lot with my feelings for him myself. I am in therapy tho and fully aware of our dynamic. I try to be kind and compassionate with myself and basically re-parenting myself for a couple of months now but there is still this exhausting longing for him. We are not a good match, I know that. He is on the very far end of the DA spectrum, so the limbo was also very strong between us. I try to tell myself everyday that no matter what happens, this is not going to work out, since he is completely hesitant to therapy and not working on himself. He is not even willing to talk about our issues. He shuts down immediately so there is no communication from his end. There is no way that we end up together as a couple, I know this in my mind and my soul. I try to be as tender as possible to myself. I meet my friends a lot who like me and support me and I do yoga and long walks every day (2-3 hours each day) and a lot of breathing exercises and simply forgiving myself. I cry a lot too. I know that I normally need 6 months to get over a relationship so there is that. My last contact with him was on June, 10 so I still need more time to heal. I send you love and hugs! Omg this is me and my DA. I am envious of peopole where they say their DA and them actually even went into a relationship. Mine didn't. It was just sporadic dating and doing some things together, not even sexual, and we are so polarized, it's weird sometimes we get on and have so many similar things to talk about but our desires for closeness and commitment is not really there, I think for him to some extent he desires it but he also can't do it. It's like he can only give so little and only up to a certain point and he disappears and resurfaces after a long time I can't deal with it I put an end to it after 2 years or back and forth, it drove me crazy, I lost so much sleep and anxiety and TIME over this stupid person. Like you I do reparenting, therapy, and I really know in my GUT now to stay the f away from this person, he triggers my deepest wounds, even though logically I tell myself he's bad for me, we're not compatible etc etc, but my body doesn't catch up with my mind, if I know he is going to be near me, my body goes into shut down. Like yours, mine also don't do communication, he totally shuts down and he's 'content' alone, he will never change and want to look at his intimacy problems. Thanks I hope I can talk to you some day! |
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Post by simply on Jul 20, 2020 10:28:56 GMT
I hear you. The longing is the worst part. I have learned that staying away from the person and doing total NC is very important. Before I didn't take this seriously enough. After I while I found excuse to reach out, see them somewhere etc. The more I'm doing grieving in my therapy, the more I really feel its NOT OK to be around a DA for me. That it's really wrong in my gut. What I also find helpful what to look for next time in someone is this CARP ( by Dr Amir Levine who wrote the book Attached) www.huffpost.com/entry/happy-relationship-secure-attachment-style_n_5bff1b23e4b0864f4f69f4f3Consistency, availibility, Responsive, Predictability |
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