Posting in this board for the first time about me....

Hi all....very long time poster who just realized that I am actually FA.  I have always thought that I was AP and have tested as such...but since the tests are subjective and since I mainly took them when I was in or just after I was in a relationship with another FA where I was the anxious one, it makes perfect sense why I would be confused.  However, put me in a room full of AP men and I will act as Avoidant as can be...with walls upon walls upon walls....and I will feel disgust and hate....actual hate towards them.....because my mind will think they want something from me that I cannot give them...and I will be suspicious of their intentions.....however....when I do it.....fall for someone without even really knowing them....it hurts like the dickens when that person puts up walls. I used to think I had 2 DA parents, but I now realize I have 2 FA parents who both lean avoidant over anxious...yet both of them lack good relationship skills.  My dad is on wife 4, my mom complains all the time about our stepfather....not exactly great sources for dealing with conflict or for having a secure relationship.  But back to me....I have never been married....I had 2 3 year relationships where after about 2.5 years in I cheated/fell for someone else....and that new person ended disastrously.  I had an 8 year period where I did not date anyone and when I actually got back into the pool, ended up with an engaged and then married narc....for 3 years/3 break ups (that is my biggest regret btw...thinking he would ever choose me over his wife).  My latest relationship ended 3 yrs ago and is the reason why I am here....not going to rehash any of it because there are 1,000,000 posts already about my struggle to get over him.  I am working with a SE therapist and am making very small strides.My ultimate goal is really to be happy with myself and my life.