What, if anything, can break a DA's emotional wall?

We don't have many DAs posting actively on the board at this time, so you may not be able to get an answer about direct experience. But there are older threads where DAs working to earn secure speak about their experiences and how difficult getting more secure is (just as it's incredibly difficult for any insecure style, AP and FA as well). While the differences in nervous system responses that cause emotional unavailability in all three insecure attachment types differ (and yes, AP is emotionally unavailable as well in their way), this is not about an external person or event breaking anyone's wall. Earning secure and becoming more emotionally available is an internal process, driven and motivated completely by an individual, and it's not something that happens for any other reason than the person wants to heal past trauma because it's negatively impacting their life. Often, it is about pain threshold -- being in so much pain that you are open to working towards real change, even if it involves going through more pain in confronting your core wounds and rebuilding your identity as you recondition your nervous system responses, learn healthy coping methods and communication styles, and reconnect to yourself. No one changes because someone else wants them to, just as no one wants someone else to try to change them. If/when someone is ready, likely due to a painful event, they'll take the steps they need.

But an AP truly wanting to learn and understand DA will first do better examining AP and understanding what kind of conditions cause AP to develop in childhood, and better connect to themselves. The reason this works is because avoidance is the flip side of the coin. It doesn't manifest in exactly the same way, but it's another defense mechanism that developed to survive childhood when faced with difficult (emotional) circumstances... and then, as the child became an adult, there was no natural next step to grow out of it and leave the style behind when it no longer served a solid purpose (ie adults can survive on their own). An AP starting with their own experience, seeing their own wounding, disconnection, nervous system flooding, triggering, etc. can then start to understand how other people may feel just as overwhelmed by fears but perhaps their bodies shut down instead of flood. Then the AP can depersonalize -- realize that, as much as an AP may feel a fear of abandonment that triggers them anxious, the DA may feel a fear of engulfment that triggers them into shutting down. This is why you can't, and shouldn't, regulate each other. It's codependent to try, and much healthier to self-regulate and have your own back instead of responding to someone else's deactivating behaviors by wanting to change them.

I highly recommend checking out Tracy Crossley’s www.tracycrossley.com/podcast-2/ podcasts. They have helped me understand all of this and myself immensely. What I love is that she focuses on learning about and healing your own attachment issues instead of being focused on your partner. Best part is that, same as you, she knows how difficult it is when you feel “stuck” in a relationship like this. So she comes from personal experience. Hope it helps.

I have to agree, walls for me are protection from feeling overwhelmed. It may come across as a reaction to someone else, but in reality, it is my way of dealing with a scenario that I do not have healthy boundaries with.  I think that is the best way to view it...as non personal and about him.  I also agree that trying to breakdown his walls is not going to go well...it truly is his to address.  What you can work on is addressing your own reaction to his walls.  You can determine if this relationship is working for you or not.

Hey Annes....there is likely another scenario that could have happened had he not had walls....you may have lost interest in him.  Oftentimes., it is the intermittent...the push/pull...the come closer/move away that keeps each person hooked on the other one.  It might be worth exploring what it is that drew you to him and kept you going.  Also...change the word should to could....should feels like an obligation, could is a choice and right now....you have the right to grieve.