Post by trustnoone on May 21, 2020 9:02:53 GMT
So I’ve been trying to work out for sometime whether I am aromantic asexual or just dismissive avoidant?
I have a strong fear of any time of intimate connection that has prevented me from pursuing relationships my entire life. I am 25 and have only ever been on ONE date. I have a reputation for running away from and avoiding any guy who has ever expressed interest. And have tried to force myself to be sexually intimate but could not have sex and end up running away and retreating from the situtation.
I did grow up with long term physical abuse from as early as 4-5 to around 17 years old. I did not experience sexual abuse, or at least not by conscious memory, I do have a lot of memory blanks from my childhood though. But as far as I’m aware, I only remember some isolated “covert” sexual “abuse” experiences.
Growing up, I thought I was attracted to guys and I loved romantic movies and often fantasised about the “perfect” guy and finding someone who would love me. I was also bullied a lot growing up, so having a hostile home environment and school environment, the only place to find a sense of escape for me was to invert myself into my mind. My mind and imagination became a place of refuge... so I was contented by fantasy worlds and actually became somewhat of a pathological “liar” as a child as I would often invent fantasies about being loved and lie about romantic interests and family life to project a better image of my life to others. I suppose it was also a self-preservation mechanism as it was the only way I could cope with extremely poor self esteem and self-loathing.
As an adult, I have lied to friends about romantic pursuits and even lied that I’m not a virgin, when I am, to avoid social judgement. I have faked relationships with men who never existed to project a better life than I had. Though, whenever a real life romantically interested man presented himself to me, I would run away and cut things off or make some excuse as to why I cant see them. The only guy I ever got close to really, I spent one night with being physically intimate (but no sex), I then agreed to dating him in person and seeing him more but cut him off via text message and said I just wasnt in a place to have a relationship.
Now this is the part I’m really ashamed of; a few years later, I ended up forming a friendship online with someone that lasted 4 years. I essentially “catfished” this person, although I used my own pictures, I projected a false personality and knew that I never intented to meet this person. It wasnt until he confessed feelings for me four years later that I had to cut things off foreveer. - what II learned is that I truly had some kind of emotional feelings for him, but was contented with the distant online friendship, I was secure with the distance and keeping at “arms-length” - meaning, I think, that I do desire affection, I do want to be wanted but once anyone tries to initiate any kind of emotional breakthrough that creates vulnerability or room for physical intimacy; I become instinctually “creeped out” almost and afraid. It’s as if my nervous system enters “fight or flight” mode and I feel backed against a wall and I become irrational and have to run away.
I love friendship and strong bonds. But whenever someone wants me and I become pressured to reciporocate that desire. I become very afraid. I’m at the point now where I am expecting myself to live a life completely alone and I am quite sad that I dont function normally in this regard. But I know that even growing up, what I thought were “crushes” were not rooted in a desire for kissing, hand holding, physical affection or sex... but instead were rooted in a desire for a strong and loyal bond. Almost like a relationship beyond friendship but below romantic? Somewhere in between?
Someone help me undersand what’s wrong with me?
I have a strong fear of any time of intimate connection that has prevented me from pursuing relationships my entire life. I am 25 and have only ever been on ONE date. I have a reputation for running away from and avoiding any guy who has ever expressed interest. And have tried to force myself to be sexually intimate but could not have sex and end up running away and retreating from the situtation.
I did grow up with long term physical abuse from as early as 4-5 to around 17 years old. I did not experience sexual abuse, or at least not by conscious memory, I do have a lot of memory blanks from my childhood though. But as far as I’m aware, I only remember some isolated “covert” sexual “abuse” experiences.
Growing up, I thought I was attracted to guys and I loved romantic movies and often fantasised about the “perfect” guy and finding someone who would love me. I was also bullied a lot growing up, so having a hostile home environment and school environment, the only place to find a sense of escape for me was to invert myself into my mind. My mind and imagination became a place of refuge... so I was contented by fantasy worlds and actually became somewhat of a pathological “liar” as a child as I would often invent fantasies about being loved and lie about romantic interests and family life to project a better image of my life to others. I suppose it was also a self-preservation mechanism as it was the only way I could cope with extremely poor self esteem and self-loathing.
As an adult, I have lied to friends about romantic pursuits and even lied that I’m not a virgin, when I am, to avoid social judgement. I have faked relationships with men who never existed to project a better life than I had. Though, whenever a real life romantically interested man presented himself to me, I would run away and cut things off or make some excuse as to why I cant see them. The only guy I ever got close to really, I spent one night with being physically intimate (but no sex), I then agreed to dating him in person and seeing him more but cut him off via text message and said I just wasnt in a place to have a relationship.
Now this is the part I’m really ashamed of; a few years later, I ended up forming a friendship online with someone that lasted 4 years. I essentially “catfished” this person, although I used my own pictures, I projected a false personality and knew that I never intented to meet this person. It wasnt until he confessed feelings for me four years later that I had to cut things off foreveer. - what II learned is that I truly had some kind of emotional feelings for him, but was contented with the distant online friendship, I was secure with the distance and keeping at “arms-length” - meaning, I think, that I do desire affection, I do want to be wanted but once anyone tries to initiate any kind of emotional breakthrough that creates vulnerability or room for physical intimacy; I become instinctually “creeped out” almost and afraid. It’s as if my nervous system enters “fight or flight” mode and I feel backed against a wall and I become irrational and have to run away.
I love friendship and strong bonds. But whenever someone wants me and I become pressured to reciporocate that desire. I become very afraid. I’m at the point now where I am expecting myself to live a life completely alone and I am quite sad that I dont function normally in this regard. But I know that even growing up, what I thought were “crushes” were not rooted in a desire for kissing, hand holding, physical affection or sex... but instead were rooted in a desire for a strong and loyal bond. Almost like a relationship beyond friendship but below romantic? Somewhere in between?
Someone help me undersand what’s wrong with me?
