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Post by confusedm on May 22, 2020 15:01:41 GMT
I'm pretty sure I'm AP. I've read a bunch on here and seem to often identify with a lot of the thoughts I've seen other APs share here. Not sure the point of this post, maybe just venting a little. Maybe looking for some help. Not sure, just a rough day emotionally/mentally yesterday and this morning...
I should add that I am in therapy, although thinking about trying out Somatic Experience Therapy. I'm working on myself: I started training for a triathlon, a marathon, learning martial arts, playing guitar and piano again, I took up singing lessons. I've started reading again. I've started journaling. I'm working on it, but still feel such a long ways away from where I'd like to be.
I'm sort of embarrassed that I still think about her. That I still miss her. That I still wish we were together. That I still think about her first thing in the morning, different times throughout the day, when I'm trying to go to sleep.
I thought she was the absolute sweetest, kindest, loving, affectionate, sincere, caring, thoughtful, bubbly girl and amazing girlfriend a guy could want.
She always told me how special I was to her, that being with me was the happiest she was in such a long time, that she never feels like she can be herself but with me she was so comfortable, that she was so in love with me
Throughout the 2 years we were somehow entangled with each other, she really did some fucked up things.
Instead of feeling angry or indignant about these things she did and thinking/feeling "well fuck her, she's trash/not a good person/she's not worth it/not good enough" it makes me sad that she did those things. I think, "Why didn't she feel enough for me not to do those things, what was missing/wasn't good enough for her not to do those things? Why didn't I mean enough to her to not do those things?"
I'm sad I wasn't the one to her when she made me think I was. When she was sooo the one to me.
She told me she wanted it to work so badly yet never tried to have a single conversation with me. Leaves me feeling like it absolutely could have worked if she just communicated with me.
Just a sad morning.
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Post by tnr9 on May 23, 2020 10:27:24 GMT
I am sorry you are still grieving her. I am glad to read that you are seeing a therapist....have you talked to that person about the negative narrative you have about yourself? I am very familiar with the feeling of not being enough....however, that isn’t a true statement.. it isn’t about being enough...it is simply a matter of compatibility. Right now, your mind is feeding you a story line where she and you could have been perfect...if only....but reality paints a very different picture and it is time for you to be kind towards yourself.
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Post by confusedm on May 24, 2020 12:38:54 GMT
I am sorry you are still grieving her. I am glad to read that you are seeing a therapist....have you talked to that person about the negative narrative you have about yourself? I am very familiar with the feeling of not being enough....however, that isn’t a true statement.. it isn’t about being enough...it is simply a matter of compatibility. Right now, your mind is feeding you a story line where she and you could have been perfect...if only....but reality paints a very different picture and it is time for you to be kind towards yourself. Therapist says I need to build up my confidence and self esteem with positive self talk which I have been doing. She says my ex is messed up. That my thought process should be she’s not good enough for me. But when it comes to thinking about our relationship I just feel sad that despite everything she was doing and saying she didn’t feel enough towards me to try to make it work to not do the messed up things she did. If I’m so much better than her than why doesn’t she want to be with me. I hate that she’s making this new relationship work because (we’ll besides the fact it’s with a guy she slept with behind my back before we were 100% exclusive) it breaks the pattern of avoidance she’s shown and makes me think she is capable of maintaining a relationship, of being that amazing perfect committed girlfriend but somehow she wasn’t for me. I’ll never understand the incompatibility when we had so much in common and had so many positive experiences. It’s just stuck in my head if she had just tried even a little to communicate with me it all would have worked out. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2020 14:47:03 GMT
I am sorry you are still grieving her. I am glad to read that you are seeing a therapist....have you talked to that person about the negative narrative you have about yourself? I am very familiar with the feeling of not being enough....however, that isn’t a true statement.. it isn’t about being enough...it is simply a matter of compatibility. Right now, your mind is feeding you a story line where she and you could have been perfect...if only....but reality paints a very different picture and it is time for you to be kind towards yourself. Therapist says I need to build up my confidence and self esteem with positive self talk which I have been doing. She says my ex is messed up. That my thought process should be she’s not good enough for me. But when it comes to thinking about our relationship I just feel sad that despite everything she was doing and saying she didn’t feel enough towards me to try to make it work to not do the messed up things she did. If I’m so much better than her than why doesn’t she want to be with me. I hate that she’s making this new relationship work because (we’ll besides the fact it’s with a guy she slept with behind my back before we were 100% exclusive) it breaks the pattern of avoidance she’s shown and makes me think she is capable of maintaining a relationship, of being that amazing perfect committed girlfriend but somehow she wasn’t for me. I’ll never understand the incompatibility when we had so much in common and had so many positive experiences. It’s just stuck in my head if she had just tried even a little to communicate with me it all would have worked out. So venting here is the right place, but I get the impression based on your words, that currently you are stuck in pattern of what ifs and regret and blame. Nothing wrong with that if that is where you need to be...however, do keep in mind that there is no correlation between you and her new partner and just because they are still dating does not mean she is healed...nor perfect. You do not know their dynamic...you are only creating a story in your head. Can you call that out for what it is....“the story in my head is,....“. It is important to call that out and not just accept whatever that story is telling you...because life is way more complex then a movie. i do have a question for you? As a child, did you ever feel like you had to “compete” for your mom’s affection? Maybe you felt that way about your dad or about a sibling. Perhaps you were bullied or did not have many friends growing up? I am trying to help you trace the origins of the need to compare yourself as either better or worse then her new partner. |
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Post by confusedm on May 26, 2020 20:09:34 GMT
Therapist says I need to build up my confidence and self esteem with positive self talk which I have been doing. She says my ex is messed up. That my thought process should be she’s not good enough for me. But when it comes to thinking about our relationship I just feel sad that despite everything she was doing and saying she didn’t feel enough towards me to try to make it work to not do the messed up things she did. If I’m so much better than her than why doesn’t she want to be with me. I hate that she’s making this new relationship work because (we’ll besides the fact it’s with a guy she slept with behind my back before we were 100% exclusive) it breaks the pattern of avoidance she’s shown and makes me think she is capable of maintaining a relationship, of being that amazing perfect committed girlfriend but somehow she wasn’t for me. I’ll never understand the incompatibility when we had so much in common and had so many positive experiences. It’s just stuck in my head if she had just tried even a little to communicate with me it all would have worked out. So venting here is the right place, but I get the impression based on your words, that currently you are stuck in pattern of what ifs and regret and blame. Nothing wrong with that if that is where you need to be...however, do keep in mind that there is no correlation between you and her new partner and just because they are still dating does not mean she is healed...nor perfect. You do not know their dynamic...you are only creating a story in your head. Can you call that out for what it is....“the story in my head is,....“. It is important to call that out and not just accept whatever that story is telling you...because life is way more complex then a movie. i do have a question for you? As a child, did you ever feel like you had to “compete” for your mom’s affection? Maybe you felt that way about your dad or about a sibling. Perhaps you were bullied or did not have many friends growing up? I am trying to help you trace the origins of the need to compare yourself as either better or worse then her new partner. I get it's more complex than a movie but the fact they're still together past her typical 3 month and dump routine is a break in the pattern. Tells me she feels something for him 1000x what she must have felt for me. I hate it. If it were anybody else I think I'd be a little more ok with it. But the fact she's able to handle this closeness, stay committed to him, it sort of says to me all that stuff about her having issues isn't true, you just couldn't get her to love you the way she needed to and this guy has something better. I don't remember competing for affection. I was the first born. I wasn't bullied, I had a big group of friends in school. I know I have self esteem issues after suffering through this break up. I wanted her to be the one very badly. I wanted it to work very badly. I tried my hardest to be everything she could want. Up until the very very end, she seemed completely in love with me, in it for the long haul, for the future. Then it just ended. She tossed me away like nothing. Now this guy with no life of his own here, that she never should have remained in touch with, that she definitely never should have slept with when she did, has now somehow tamed the girl nobody else could. She ran through a handful of people, 3 months and done. But somehow, someway, this fucking guy gets all the commitment and love she promised me and gave me a taste of? How could I not compare? |
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Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 21:51:06 GMT
So venting here is the right place, but I get the impression based on your words, that currently you are stuck in pattern of what ifs and regret and blame. Nothing wrong with that if that is where you need to be...however, do keep in mind that there is no correlation between you and her new partner and just because they are still dating does not mean she is healed...nor perfect. You do not know their dynamic...you are only creating a story in your head. Can you call that out for what it is....“the story in my head is,....“. It is important to call that out and not just accept whatever that story is telling you...because life is way more complex then a movie. i do have a question for you? As a child, did you ever feel like you had to “compete” for your mom’s affection? Maybe you felt that way about your dad or about a sibling. Perhaps you were bullied or did not have many friends growing up? I am trying to help you trace the origins of the need to compare yourself as either better or worse then her new partner. I get it's more complex than a movie but the fact they're still together past her typical 3 month and dump routine is a break in the pattern. Tells me she feels something for him 1000x what she must have felt for me. I hate it. If it were anybody else I think I'd be a little more ok with it. But the fact she's able to handle this closeness, stay committed to him, it sort of says to me all that stuff about her having issues isn't true, you just couldn't get her to love you the way she needed to and this guy has something better. I don't remember competing for affection. I was the first born. I wasn't bullied, I had a big group of friends in school. I know I have self esteem issues after suffering through this break up. I wanted her to be the one very badly. I wanted it to work very badly. I tried my hardest to be everything she could want. Up until the very very end, she seemed completely in love with me, in it for the long haul, for the future. Then it just ended. She tossed me away like nothing. Now this guy with no life of his own here, that she never should have remained in touch with, that she definitely never should have slept with when she did, has now somehow tamed the girl nobody else could. She ran through a handful of people, 3 months and done. But somehow, someway, this fucking guy gets all the commitment and love she promised me and gave me a taste of? How could I not compare? I am sorry you are hurting and this is hitting you so hard still....but at this point you can make a choice that is pro you. You can stop reading into their relationship, you can stop giving her power over your self worth, you can stop feeding into a story line where he is getting something that was owed to you and that she and he are happy when you know nothing about their dynamic. Because you won’t ever get a satisfactory answer and the best revenge is to have a good life. |
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