alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
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Post by alice on May 25, 2020 5:02:14 GMT
I'm struggling with my own attachment issues and could use some help.
I was completely over him, but I don't know that I am over the way he treated me, and the idea of him doing this again makes me sick. Is this (small t) trauma? This came out of left field. When I look back, the fallout from this relationship started a pattern of bad attachment situations for me. I don't quite know why I'm feeling how I am or how to handle it.
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Post by annieb on May 25, 2020 13:13:21 GMT
Very unscientifically I’m going through something similar (or went through), and the whole situation was bringing me to tears. I was trying to figure out what it was and it was a boundary violation. This person from your past who has essentially hurt you and disappointed you is once again busting your boundary and making you feel mentally unsafe. He is using your connection to get whatever mental energy he can get from you. The kind thing after a relationship is to disengage, the kind thing to you from him would have been an apology and disengagement. You are not friends, you were never friends after the breakup. It is not kind of him to keep engaging you, it’s disrespectful. This is why I think a healthy natural reaction to someone like this is blocking.
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Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2020 15:26:14 GMT
I'm struggling with my own attachment issues and could use some help. I had posted about an ex from years ago reaching out. I was long over him. We had a really good relationship but he was dishonest in ways that I did not find out about until after the relationship. He sabotaged it as a result. I cut him off after I figured these things out. I just didn't like the person that I saw. At first I was hurt, and then I felt utterly disrespected by him. I moved on at the time. Got into a serious relationship with someone else. I had concluded that we had a good time but he wasn't honest and ultimately that lead to a major incompatibility. So he reached out with a very different tone taking accountability for what he had done with nostalgia and regret. I had cut him off the previous time he tried to reach out years before because he was insincere. This time was different. We had a couple of conversations, some about current events and some about just general life updates. Then we also touched on the past. I had no intention of doing this at first. I had resolved this but as we talked more, I felt if we were going to continue that I had to ask about a few things. He was nice about everything I brought up and took accountability. He also expressed he had maybe reopened something for me. And I said yeah that he sort of did. I was trying to figure out why. I don't think the pandemic situation is helpful, for anyone really. But he also told me things I didn't know. I thought through these things and felt the disrespect, again. On top of that, he is in some sort of precarious relationship situation and I had to pull that out of him (though he's claiming being alone). I don't think (know) I'm getting the whole story, and I don't want to pry (it's none of my business really), but I told him I did not want to be in the middle of anything. He was giving me some mixed messages...he said he isn't looking to date (I think he is still in some sort of relationship from what I can tell), but I also was clear that we have a past and aren't really friends. We have a certain dynamic. I don't want to get into the middle of any drama of his. That was almost a week ago, and I have been pondering it more. I haven't heard from him, and I just got a really bad feeling about it today. It threw me back to when he lied to me before and I have a feeling he may be doing something somewhat similar. I think I need to ask him, but I also don't want to have any more conversation with him about this. I think I need to cut this off. I don't trust him. My best guess is that he has grown and improved, but some of his old habits are still there. I was completely over him, but I don't know that I am over the way he treated me, and the idea of him doing this again makes me sick. Is this (small t) trauma? This came out of left field. When I look back, the fallout from this relationship started a pattern of bad attachment situations for me. I don't quite know why I'm feeling how I am or how to handle it. Because of the current state we are in as well as his current relationship state, he is likely reaching out because of some projection he has regarding you. Unfortunately this is all about him and he isn’t considering you at all....which is why this feels so “icky”. I agree with blocking any avenue he has for contact. |
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alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
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Post by alice on May 25, 2020 16:33:43 GMT
Because of the current state we are in as well as his current relationship state, he is likely reaching out because of some projection he has regarding you. Unfortunately this is all about him and he isn’t considering you at all....which is why this feels so “icky”. I agree with blocking any avenue he has for contact. Icky is a good word. Can you expound on the projection part? |
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Post by annieb on May 25, 2020 17:02:52 GMT
Very unscientifically I’m going through something similar (or went through), and the whole situation was bringing me to tears. I was trying to figure out what it was and it was a boundary violation. This person from your past who has essentially hurt you and disappointed you is once again busting your boundary and making you feel mentally unsafe. He is using your connection to get whatever mental energy he can get from you. The kind thing after a relationship is to disengage, the kind thing to you from him would have been an apology and disengagement. You are not friends, you were never friends after the breakup. It is not kind of him to keep engaging you, it’s disrespectful. This is why I think a healthy natural reaction to someone like this is blocking. There may be something to this. I shut down and put up a HUGE wall when I don't trust someone. Because of how sincere he seemed upon this "return" I opened up some and talked about some of what happened. It made me emotional mid conversation, and I couldn't hide it and I now regret this. I feel like I let him in beyond where he should be allowed. I feel used/disrespected, again. To be fair, he didn't push, and he said he would let me lead how things went. Would that be the disengagement you're talking about? But that rubbed me the wrong way also. To me, if he was sincere, he would be trying to show consistently that he is trustworthy? OR, he should have not engaged at all. I think part of why I can't figure it out is that I am confused by two different versions of him. The old one who I came to despise because of how deceitful and immoral he was (I had forgotten the version I fell for) and this "new" one who has been showing a lot of great qualities. I think I'm torn because I don't believe it. I did at first but something is off. And I'm wondering if I just let some boundaries down based off of a "new" person that is also a lie. I am afraid that he knows this about you very well and that this is a calculated approach on his part. It’s very much not about you, but what he can get out of you, or the interaction with you. Indeed the respectful stance would be to give you your peace and quiet. To let you thrive in any way you choose without his disruption. Yet he chooses to violate you peace, your boundary and that’s why you feel uneasy and spinning. You are absolutely justified in that feeling and you should be very proud and content for recognizing it. There is a dissonance in your mind of the old him and the new him. And he very well may have changed and that is good for him. Excellent for him, but respecting you is still very low on his priority list. I hope that with some reflecting and relaxing you can let this one go, without having to construct a giant wall. But recognizing where he is crossing your boundaries and upholding those any way you see fit. And if a giant wall needs to be built then so be it. Do not discount your feelings, there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to feel centered and mentally safe with your boundaries intact, because that’s the place where our happiness can start and grow. That’s where you will thrive, and I think this guy is taking that energy away from that purpose and he knows very well that you will give it to him. That’s why he is trying. So what would it take for you stop giving it? |
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Post by 8675309 on May 26, 2020 1:04:51 GMT
Its about him. Youre feeling uneasy for a reason. We can be moved on and had great healing but doesn't mean when one comes back like this it still wont bother you in some way.
And a good majority of the time, exes are exes for a reason, dont look back. You dont have to hate them ect you just move forward.
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