Post by primasilva on Jun 3, 2020 18:22:08 GMT
Hi all! I've been stalking the forum for a litttle bit but am finally posting because I'm still having trouble coping, especially with the apocalypse going on. Like so many of you, I was recently and totally out of the blue (to me) ghosted by someone I'm guessing is a DA/FA. I've historically been a pretty secure-relationship person, so it's kinda scary how anxious I ended up at the end. All because of ghosting!
I'm not trying to "fix" or get back together with the guy, just need to vent to people who will understand haha. And writing this out is helping me see some of the red flags I ignored and will maybe help others in my situation. And maybe it'll convince some Avoidants out there to end your relationships humanely, with closure, no matter how temporarily sucky it may be for you, because not knowing what's going on killllllls those of us on the receiving end!
My relationship with the ghoster started in October 2018 - I had just ended an engagement/relationship of 10 years after that guy developed adult onset schizophrenia and refused to get help, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? That guy was also a secure-attachment type and our relationship was so so great until arguing with dead people took over his life. Sigh.
Everything started out amazingly with this guy - it was his idea to date exclusively, and he was attentive and sensitive and went out of his way to see me. He was always asking for details about my life and inner thoughts. He made me take silly quiz/questionnaire things to really get to know one another. He'd regularly cook or take me out to romantic dinners, and took me along on his work trips around the country. He let me drag him to different museums & art exhibits & concerts & movies, even though going out wasn't really his thing (I had gotten most of the tickets the previous year and didn't want to waste them, and offered to take a friend but he said he didn't mind going).
On New Years 2019, he was the first to say, "I love you". He said I was the first girl he'd brought to meet his family in years. That we were partners and I could lean on him for anything. He wanted to help train my crazy puppy and also organize my house that I had just moved into, and we had a blast unpacking boxes together! He even helped me pack up the schizo's truckload of stuff to send to him.
Over the months, and especially once the schizo's stuff was gone, the fancy dinner dates slowed down. He stopped (jokingly) annoying me by taking 10000000 photos of us together. His words of love and encouragement all but stopped. He started going out more with his coworkers and telling me how much fun it was, but didn't want to do anything but sit around the house and watch TV when he came to see me. He stopped promising that we would take classes or work out or even play video games together.
I figured that was just part of the end to the honeymoon phase - it's more or less what happened with other relationships, too, except for the lack of "I love you's". But that didn't bother me much either, because I value actions more than words, and all the way through to the end, he was always rubbing my back or holding my hand or leaning against me whenever we were together.
He usually only wanted to see me on weekends, which I thought was understandable because we both work huge amounts and are introverts. Plus we texted pretty much all day every day. And every now and then, he'd stay over an extra day or two during the week. I never went to his place much. He invited me sometimes, but he lives with his mom and I just wasn't comfortable interrupting her lifestyle...or banging her son while she was in the next room haha. And when I did visit, he sort of awkwardly pushed me out the door when he was over me being there.
The only real issue I ever had with him was his bailing on plans without notice - he'd promise we'd meet up at a certain day/time...which would pass and he wouldn't show, without any explanation. He'd do it about once a month. The act of bailing didn't even bother me that much - I figured he was probably just sucked into a video game or work or something. But not telling me was the issue - I could've made other plans for the day! Every time, I would try asking as delicately as I could to just communicate that he couldn't come.
In October 2019, on our 1 year anniversary, he again professed his love and said he was in it for the long haul. He even made us FB official. We talked about hopes for the upcoming year - I said I'd love for him to stop in during the week more often and he said he wanted me to come along on more of his work trips.
I also started hinting around this time that maaaybe he consider moving in. I tried not to push it, but mentioned it casually or half-jokingly a few times. To me, it made sense - I live 35 minutes closer to his office than his mom does, I have a giant house we could spread out in, he always complained about being unable to afford a place of his own, and it would help me with bills. In retrospect, I'm guessing that's a huge part of what killed the relationship. But he didn't respond at all to the hints, so I stopped.
Shortly after that, some unrelated personal drama started. My CEO at work found out he's dying, and there are no contingency plans for the company. So I started frantically searching for a new job. I also had to declare Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to fallout from kicking the schizo out and a bunch of medical bills. I tried my best to leave the ghoster out of it because he's a kinda anxious guy and I was afraid my drama would scare him away, but I did vent to him at my lowest points because he said we were partners and he wanted me to lean on him.
On Thanksgiving, I started to feel like something was really off in our relationship - the year before, he had made a huge deal about wanting me at his place because it's his favorite holiday and he cooks the whole meal. This year, I basically invited myself - I said that I could come if he wanted me to. He said sure, so I did, and everything seemed fine while I was there. That night, he said he'd come over the next day. I was very grateful/happy to hear that because the day after Thanksgiving is hard for me - my dad committed suicide on that day 2 years ago. He knows that, it's part of why we bonded - his dad passed a few years ago.
That morning, I asked for confirmation that he was coming. He said yes...but never showed, but still texted through the day. I wasn't in the best frame of mind the next morning and said that I felt we should maybe break up. He didn't respond for a couple days. When he did, it was to say that I was right and he'd been a jerk lately and not letting me into his life, and he asked that we meet and talk about it in a few days.
He came over at the beginning of December and we talked - we both agreed that we wanted to try to work things out. Neither of us raised our voice, nobody cried, we just talked calmly and rationally. I thought it went well! He expressed concern that he's not a fun person while I like to go out to concerts and museums and things, but I said that I'm too broke for that now anyway and reminded him that I've always offered to go with friends if he's not interested in a particular event. He then unexpectedly listed a bunch of little things I do that annoyed him, but said I made him happy. I agreed to stop doing those things and said I 100% would have sooner if he'd TOLD me. He also said that thinking about moving in was way too soon, and he'd miss his cat he couldn't bring haha. I responded that I was completely fine with that, but felt like he sent out soooo many mixed messages lately and that it seemed like he had one foot out the door. I asked for some form of commitment, even something as small as leaving a toothbrush over. And that I needed him to stop the bailing without a word thing.
So we cautiously continued our relationship. He invited me to his niece's birthday and his immediate family's Christmas party (they have two parties - one for immediate fam and one for other relatives). Things did seem a little off again when he didn't bring up exchanging gifts - he had made a huuuuge deal about it the year before. I ignored it, though, since things had been so shaky only a few weeks before.
It seemed like he was making an effort - he would come over a couple extra weekdays and bought himself a fancy hex squat bar to work out in my basement. He started saying he loved me again.
At the beginning of February, he left for a work trip and the last words out of his mouth were, "I love you, I'll see you next Friday or Saturday." We were planning on going to a Chocolate Weekend event that Saturday - it was the weekend before Valentine's Day.
That Saturday came and went - no show, no word about it, just texting as usual all day. I thought about letting it slide again and I know I should have worded it better, but I called him out for ditching me once again. It was literally only the second time I've ever acted annoyed/anything but placating towards him (the first being Thanksgiving).
That's when the ghosting started - he didn't respond for 3 days. I started panicking thinking maybe he had tried to come and was dead in a ditch, so I asked his best friend to check on him. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have. I normally wouldn't have, but I've lost a loooot of loved ones to unexpected death.
The ghoster finally texted that he wasn't trying to break up but didn't see a way around it, because he was tired and wanted to be alone after his work trip and I deserve someone who wants to be around me all the time. I replied that AGAIN, I don't want someone around allllll the time, I just want someone who will communicate so I know what's going on.
No response from him for another week or so - my V-day was spent with my mom haha. He still hadn't even confirmed whether he wanted to break up or work things out, so at this point, I gave him an out. I said that I wanted to talk to him, but if he really never wanted to see me again, he could return my stuff and get his while I was out at a certain time (he had a key to my house).
Another week passed with zero communication, so I messaged that I was going to his place that weekend to try to talk and at the very least bring his stuff and leave it on the porch.
Still no word. But here I know I made another mistake. I hadn't really slept or eaten since the ghosting had started. I didn't want to show up to his mom's house uninvited and cause her any kind of stress, so I had the bright idea to ask his sister-in-law for his mom's phone number. I just wanted to ask whether it was okay to come over. The SIL wouldn't give the number without details, so I told her with as few deets as possible that I hadn't heard from the guy in weeks and just wanted to talk/exchange stuff. I begged her not to confront him, but she did...of course! He wouldn't give her any more answers than he'd given me, and I still didn't know whether to go there or not.
The morning of my planned visit, I found most of my stuff in my garage. Not all of it, but most of it. But his stuff was still there, so I sent a brief reminder message that I was coming to drop it off.
That's when he broke his silence to text that he didn't think I should come. That it had all started November 22 while we were at a beer fest - he realized he was enjoying spending time with me, but his next thought wasn't romantic, but that he'd be happy to see me again a few weeks later. That when we'd talked in December, he thought things could still go either way, but after ruminating some more, he still considers me a close friend but couldn't commit to anything anyone deserves from a lifelong partnership.
I was completely blindsided - he never mentioned any of this in December! I tried calling & texting to reason with him and of course got zero response.
Over the next couple weeks, I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt hopelessly abandoned & depressed. I'm sure a lot of you know how that goes! This guy had gone from saying he loved me, to ghosting me, to saying we were close friends, and back to ghosting me. I'm not proud to say I kept texting him once or twice almost every day. I was more or less able to keep it to a minimum unless I drank, but after nonstop communication for over a year, I couldn't quit, especially with no actual closure. At least it was mostly just asking for my stuff/to return his. And I did offer to shut up as soon as he sent my things, or if he asked me to.
I went through most of the grief process and was almost, ALMOST, sort of more or less coming to acceptance when I had my very first STD outbreak - the ghoster had given me a gift that will keep on giving. Once the doctor told me what she thought it was, I reached out to him via every outlet I could, in case he blocked me on some and not others. I didn't accuse, I didn't ask to get back together, I just begged him for his test results because mine were delayed by the plague drama and I was freaking out wondering what was going on with my lady bits.
A couple weeks later, he responded with his results and said he was working on getting me the rest of my stuff. But in the almost 3 months since then, he's texted me almost all day, every day - mostly just fluff - random memes or recipes or latest news about the apocalypse or asking about my day. I have no idea why - any of you have any insight? He's still avoiding any actual conversation about what happened, what will happen, and what I should do with his stuff. He hasn't even canceled our Facebook relationship status that he was so, so excited to put up in October. And I'm not going to either, mostly out of spite haha.
And like an idiot, I'm still hanging on because I need closure and someone to talk to during this apocalypse. And no, I haven't tried getting back together. Even if by some random miracle he wanted to and had a super good explanation for his actions, I'm not sure I could trust him enough.
But anyway, to all you past or present or potential ghosters - disappearing with no real warning or closure completely and absolutely dumbfounds and crushes even the most secure of us! All I needed from this guy was one honest discussion or even a text to say, "Hey, you're great, but it's not working. I'm calling it quits, and nothing is going to change my mind, so don't even try. And I'll definitely come get my stuff so you don't have to sit there staring at it and remembering the good times OR have to go out of your way to get rid of it like you had to do for your last ex."
I'm not trying to "fix" or get back together with the guy, just need to vent to people who will understand haha. And writing this out is helping me see some of the red flags I ignored and will maybe help others in my situation. And maybe it'll convince some Avoidants out there to end your relationships humanely, with closure, no matter how temporarily sucky it may be for you, because not knowing what's going on killllllls those of us on the receiving end!
My relationship with the ghoster started in October 2018 - I had just ended an engagement/relationship of 10 years after that guy developed adult onset schizophrenia and refused to get help, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? That guy was also a secure-attachment type and our relationship was so so great until arguing with dead people took over his life. Sigh.
Everything started out amazingly with this guy - it was his idea to date exclusively, and he was attentive and sensitive and went out of his way to see me. He was always asking for details about my life and inner thoughts. He made me take silly quiz/questionnaire things to really get to know one another. He'd regularly cook or take me out to romantic dinners, and took me along on his work trips around the country. He let me drag him to different museums & art exhibits & concerts & movies, even though going out wasn't really his thing (I had gotten most of the tickets the previous year and didn't want to waste them, and offered to take a friend but he said he didn't mind going).
On New Years 2019, he was the first to say, "I love you". He said I was the first girl he'd brought to meet his family in years. That we were partners and I could lean on him for anything. He wanted to help train my crazy puppy and also organize my house that I had just moved into, and we had a blast unpacking boxes together! He even helped me pack up the schizo's truckload of stuff to send to him.
Over the months, and especially once the schizo's stuff was gone, the fancy dinner dates slowed down. He stopped (jokingly) annoying me by taking 10000000 photos of us together. His words of love and encouragement all but stopped. He started going out more with his coworkers and telling me how much fun it was, but didn't want to do anything but sit around the house and watch TV when he came to see me. He stopped promising that we would take classes or work out or even play video games together.
I figured that was just part of the end to the honeymoon phase - it's more or less what happened with other relationships, too, except for the lack of "I love you's". But that didn't bother me much either, because I value actions more than words, and all the way through to the end, he was always rubbing my back or holding my hand or leaning against me whenever we were together.
He usually only wanted to see me on weekends, which I thought was understandable because we both work huge amounts and are introverts. Plus we texted pretty much all day every day. And every now and then, he'd stay over an extra day or two during the week. I never went to his place much. He invited me sometimes, but he lives with his mom and I just wasn't comfortable interrupting her lifestyle...or banging her son while she was in the next room haha. And when I did visit, he sort of awkwardly pushed me out the door when he was over me being there.
The only real issue I ever had with him was his bailing on plans without notice - he'd promise we'd meet up at a certain day/time...which would pass and he wouldn't show, without any explanation. He'd do it about once a month. The act of bailing didn't even bother me that much - I figured he was probably just sucked into a video game or work or something. But not telling me was the issue - I could've made other plans for the day! Every time, I would try asking as delicately as I could to just communicate that he couldn't come.
In October 2019, on our 1 year anniversary, he again professed his love and said he was in it for the long haul. He even made us FB official. We talked about hopes for the upcoming year - I said I'd love for him to stop in during the week more often and he said he wanted me to come along on more of his work trips.
I also started hinting around this time that maaaybe he consider moving in. I tried not to push it, but mentioned it casually or half-jokingly a few times. To me, it made sense - I live 35 minutes closer to his office than his mom does, I have a giant house we could spread out in, he always complained about being unable to afford a place of his own, and it would help me with bills. In retrospect, I'm guessing that's a huge part of what killed the relationship. But he didn't respond at all to the hints, so I stopped.
Shortly after that, some unrelated personal drama started. My CEO at work found out he's dying, and there are no contingency plans for the company. So I started frantically searching for a new job. I also had to declare Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to fallout from kicking the schizo out and a bunch of medical bills. I tried my best to leave the ghoster out of it because he's a kinda anxious guy and I was afraid my drama would scare him away, but I did vent to him at my lowest points because he said we were partners and he wanted me to lean on him.
On Thanksgiving, I started to feel like something was really off in our relationship - the year before, he had made a huge deal about wanting me at his place because it's his favorite holiday and he cooks the whole meal. This year, I basically invited myself - I said that I could come if he wanted me to. He said sure, so I did, and everything seemed fine while I was there. That night, he said he'd come over the next day. I was very grateful/happy to hear that because the day after Thanksgiving is hard for me - my dad committed suicide on that day 2 years ago. He knows that, it's part of why we bonded - his dad passed a few years ago.
That morning, I asked for confirmation that he was coming. He said yes...but never showed, but still texted through the day. I wasn't in the best frame of mind the next morning and said that I felt we should maybe break up. He didn't respond for a couple days. When he did, it was to say that I was right and he'd been a jerk lately and not letting me into his life, and he asked that we meet and talk about it in a few days.
He came over at the beginning of December and we talked - we both agreed that we wanted to try to work things out. Neither of us raised our voice, nobody cried, we just talked calmly and rationally. I thought it went well! He expressed concern that he's not a fun person while I like to go out to concerts and museums and things, but I said that I'm too broke for that now anyway and reminded him that I've always offered to go with friends if he's not interested in a particular event. He then unexpectedly listed a bunch of little things I do that annoyed him, but said I made him happy. I agreed to stop doing those things and said I 100% would have sooner if he'd TOLD me. He also said that thinking about moving in was way too soon, and he'd miss his cat he couldn't bring haha. I responded that I was completely fine with that, but felt like he sent out soooo many mixed messages lately and that it seemed like he had one foot out the door. I asked for some form of commitment, even something as small as leaving a toothbrush over. And that I needed him to stop the bailing without a word thing.
So we cautiously continued our relationship. He invited me to his niece's birthday and his immediate family's Christmas party (they have two parties - one for immediate fam and one for other relatives). Things did seem a little off again when he didn't bring up exchanging gifts - he had made a huuuuge deal about it the year before. I ignored it, though, since things had been so shaky only a few weeks before.
It seemed like he was making an effort - he would come over a couple extra weekdays and bought himself a fancy hex squat bar to work out in my basement. He started saying he loved me again.
At the beginning of February, he left for a work trip and the last words out of his mouth were, "I love you, I'll see you next Friday or Saturday." We were planning on going to a Chocolate Weekend event that Saturday - it was the weekend before Valentine's Day.
That Saturday came and went - no show, no word about it, just texting as usual all day. I thought about letting it slide again and I know I should have worded it better, but I called him out for ditching me once again. It was literally only the second time I've ever acted annoyed/anything but placating towards him (the first being Thanksgiving).
That's when the ghosting started - he didn't respond for 3 days. I started panicking thinking maybe he had tried to come and was dead in a ditch, so I asked his best friend to check on him. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have. I normally wouldn't have, but I've lost a loooot of loved ones to unexpected death.
The ghoster finally texted that he wasn't trying to break up but didn't see a way around it, because he was tired and wanted to be alone after his work trip and I deserve someone who wants to be around me all the time. I replied that AGAIN, I don't want someone around allllll the time, I just want someone who will communicate so I know what's going on.
No response from him for another week or so - my V-day was spent with my mom haha. He still hadn't even confirmed whether he wanted to break up or work things out, so at this point, I gave him an out. I said that I wanted to talk to him, but if he really never wanted to see me again, he could return my stuff and get his while I was out at a certain time (he had a key to my house).
Another week passed with zero communication, so I messaged that I was going to his place that weekend to try to talk and at the very least bring his stuff and leave it on the porch.
Still no word. But here I know I made another mistake. I hadn't really slept or eaten since the ghosting had started. I didn't want to show up to his mom's house uninvited and cause her any kind of stress, so I had the bright idea to ask his sister-in-law for his mom's phone number. I just wanted to ask whether it was okay to come over. The SIL wouldn't give the number without details, so I told her with as few deets as possible that I hadn't heard from the guy in weeks and just wanted to talk/exchange stuff. I begged her not to confront him, but she did...of course! He wouldn't give her any more answers than he'd given me, and I still didn't know whether to go there or not.
The morning of my planned visit, I found most of my stuff in my garage. Not all of it, but most of it. But his stuff was still there, so I sent a brief reminder message that I was coming to drop it off.
That's when he broke his silence to text that he didn't think I should come. That it had all started November 22 while we were at a beer fest - he realized he was enjoying spending time with me, but his next thought wasn't romantic, but that he'd be happy to see me again a few weeks later. That when we'd talked in December, he thought things could still go either way, but after ruminating some more, he still considers me a close friend but couldn't commit to anything anyone deserves from a lifelong partnership.
I was completely blindsided - he never mentioned any of this in December! I tried calling & texting to reason with him and of course got zero response.
Over the next couple weeks, I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt hopelessly abandoned & depressed. I'm sure a lot of you know how that goes! This guy had gone from saying he loved me, to ghosting me, to saying we were close friends, and back to ghosting me. I'm not proud to say I kept texting him once or twice almost every day. I was more or less able to keep it to a minimum unless I drank, but after nonstop communication for over a year, I couldn't quit, especially with no actual closure. At least it was mostly just asking for my stuff/to return his. And I did offer to shut up as soon as he sent my things, or if he asked me to.
I went through most of the grief process and was almost, ALMOST, sort of more or less coming to acceptance when I had my very first STD outbreak - the ghoster had given me a gift that will keep on giving. Once the doctor told me what she thought it was, I reached out to him via every outlet I could, in case he blocked me on some and not others. I didn't accuse, I didn't ask to get back together, I just begged him for his test results because mine were delayed by the plague drama and I was freaking out wondering what was going on with my lady bits.
A couple weeks later, he responded with his results and said he was working on getting me the rest of my stuff. But in the almost 3 months since then, he's texted me almost all day, every day - mostly just fluff - random memes or recipes or latest news about the apocalypse or asking about my day. I have no idea why - any of you have any insight? He's still avoiding any actual conversation about what happened, what will happen, and what I should do with his stuff. He hasn't even canceled our Facebook relationship status that he was so, so excited to put up in October. And I'm not going to either, mostly out of spite haha.
And like an idiot, I'm still hanging on because I need closure and someone to talk to during this apocalypse. And no, I haven't tried getting back together. Even if by some random miracle he wanted to and had a super good explanation for his actions, I'm not sure I could trust him enough.
But anyway, to all you past or present or potential ghosters - disappearing with no real warning or closure completely and absolutely dumbfounds and crushes even the most secure of us! All I needed from this guy was one honest discussion or even a text to say, "Hey, you're great, but it's not working. I'm calling it quits, and nothing is going to change my mind, so don't even try. And I'll definitely come get my stuff so you don't have to sit there staring at it and remembering the good times OR have to go out of your way to get rid of it like you had to do for your last ex."
