Here we go again - seemed perfect

Hi joanneg,

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially if everything seemed perfect at first. I wanted to tell you that I recognize his behavior since I've done this myself. I'm AP in general but whenever I interact with a secure or another AP, I shut down and become more FA. If I don't have to work hard for a relationship (this feels most familiar to me because of my childhood), I usually feel like something is off/no sparks OR I get scared and panicky when someone comes too close. That's probably the reason I always end up with avoidants - because it's safe, familiar and (unhealthy) sparks fly everywhere.

I don't know him and I don't know his reasons, but to me it seems like he's doing the same. I think he wants to be with you but he's scared. If I may ask: has he ever had professional help for his abandonment issues? This is really important for you guys in order to have a healthy relationship.

Take care!

You've only known him for a few weeks, right? Generally, I would say that you can't tell much from any interactions that occur after less than a month of knowing someone-at least not enough to assume where they lay on the attachment spectrum. Some people are only looking for a fling, albeit a deeply connective one, and others think they're committing to something casual right from the start, but the bottom line is this: they're ok with high intensity situations or a lot of intimacy, even if they know they'll only last for a short time. I don't know if I would necessarily call that avoidant, because secure people can be really capable of having these types of high intensity connections without expecting long-term intimacy. I do think that's something us APs would definitely not be able to relate to... well, most of us:-). I know that as I'm typing it, I'm wondering how people do it, but I've known secure people who have had these types of relationships and done so ethically and don't see it as a matter of an inevitably hurtful situation. But they did go into these relationships with the expectation that they weren't heading towards a relationship.

Have you talked to him about what you're doing? I think it might be really helpful to get clear on what you want, and then come together with him to see what he wants. Seeing each other can mean a lot of things. If you can, try to use non-violent communication and not assume that he's avoidant or that he's playing you. I think these are exactly the kind of scenarios we can create in our head when we're activated. I know I've found myself jumping from a-->z whenever I've felt hurt and assumed the worst. He might be a player, or he might be terrified of intimacy, but at least you're giving the two of you the best shot at safe, open communication if you approach him with curiosity instead of fear or judgement. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I'm not trying to be, at all.

You seem pretty invested and attached to him. Maybe you can try to take some space for yourself and remind yourself that you're ok and try to focus on what makes you happy/being overseas (so cool!). I know it's hard. I know it feels really damn good to connect with someone, have intimate conversations, do lots of domestic stuff, and then bam, something happens to disrupt this experience that makes you feel like you're on a cloud 9... it's a beautiful thing to be able to connect, share, and be vulnerable with someone, esp when you didn't have it in your last relationship, but remember to stay true to you. Advocate for your needs, be receptive to his (even if they're not the same as yours), and remember that you get to chose what you will and will not accept. Personally, I would say something, because it's worth it just for the tiny amount of intimacy you had and your well-being (plus, it's always good to practice open communication!), but if he's not forthcoming, or you think he really is freaking out, I would ignore him and maybe take it more slowly with the next one!

Thank you so much for the responses. I really appreciate it.

I would love more opinions. It helps so much.

JoanneG, We can avoid trying to figure out whether he's Avoidant (Ha!). Just look at what he is offering you: confusion, inconsistency, irregular self-serving communication, and last-minute flaking.

He doesn't seem to have what it takes to make you (or maybe anyone) happy.

Just cut him off.