alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
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Post by alice on Jun 5, 2020 0:52:56 GMT
I'm looking for whatever information anyone would like to provide on gaslighting. I think different people have different ideas as to what it is.
How do you define it?
What has been your experience with it?
How have you handled someone who is gaslighting you?
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 5, 2020 1:01:56 GMT
Funny you should post this Alice, I watched this clip from Sam Vaknin. The word is misused a lot, like the word "Narc". Some codependent behaviour may come across as gaslighting or being a "narc" when it's just "outer critic" talk. www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ3Piz0TNXkshould this be under "general" by the way? Why under F-A threads? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2020 2:47:57 GMT
Funny you should post this Alice, I watched this clip from Sam Vaknin. The word is misused a lot, like the word "Narc". Some codependent behaviour may come across as gaslighting or being a "narc" when it's just "outer critic" talk. www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ3Piz0TNXkshould this be under "general" by the way? Why under F-A threads? Interesting that you would be watching videos by a narcissist. I used to watch his videos when I was dating a guy with high levels of narc tendencies. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 5:02:03 GMT
I've been gaslit by 2 guys in my adult dating life. One would pick fights that made absolutely no sense, and he would twist everything, be thoroughly inconsistent, but insist on convincing me whatever he was saying was correct (he actually seemed to get off on arguing, and it was scary). This happened a few times, and I was so confused I really didn't know it was happening because I didn't know what was going on. Other times he'd say something then a week later say the opposite and insist he never said the first thing. The last time this happened, he re-wrote an entire encounter we'd had to be something different, and in this change he said things to me that were downright cruel. I never spoke to him again, but I realized I would have panic attacks each time he did something like that to me, and I finally realized it was because he was gaslighting me.
The second guy only did it to an extreme once, also the last time I ever spoke to him. He also rewrote the last few weeks in a way that made no sense, was extremely angry about things that made no sense, and I was again confused... and only recognized that was because he was gaslighting me when I had the panic attack after I got away from him. I was like I recognize this now!!!
Anyway, it's awful. Your body feels awful when it happens.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 5:07:56 GMT
Oh, I also had a family member with NPD who used to do it when I was younger, but I was too young to understand it. That person would do it to win arguments at any cost, and it was like speaking to a brick wall. Walking away and resolving it however you needed to within yourself (while not relying on that person for anything substantial) was really the only healthy way to handle it. I do agree with the gray rock method to generally handle this stuff if cutting them out isn't possible.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 5, 2020 6:33:36 GMT
Dr. Ramani is an exellent expert - she knows a lot about NPD, aspd, socipats, bpd m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVBdWSPXyRwm.youtube.com/watch?v=gpjYtAB9i2w&t=659sHow being gaslighted affects your health m.youtube.com/watch?v=eJr1WQyNpH4Terri Cole is also a good resource m.youtube.com/watch?v=w6KBz4cXI_cI can also really recommend the books/work by Lisbet Duvringe and Mike Florette. They are both very empathetic and have done a lot of research. They have mentioned a guy called James Fallon (a "nice" psykopath) to ask him, if there were books about the female psykopath/narc leader/co worker, and he said no and encouraged them to write a book. I do not know if their work has been translated into english 3 books: Psychopaths online: risky relationships when dating Female psychopaths: master of manipulation in the workplace (Kvinnliga psykopater : mästare i manipulation på arbetsplatsen) Psychopaths in working life (Psykopater i arbetslivet) Dr. Ramani Narcs at work Navigating narcissism at work is an entirely different beast than handling narcissism in our personal lives. Additionally, narcissism in leaders is very common. Dr. Ramani shares her strategies for navigating narcissism at work which is a fundamental area of our lives. m.youtube.com/watch?v=2P-5q0C31m4I believe that wether you have been in contact with a narc, a narc with traits of a psykopath or a full blown psykopath you will get damaged in one way or the other. (Often you will get more or less traumatized depending on how long you have been in contact with the person, if you have had good support or not, if you were able to fight/flee in the specific situation ect.) You can often feel it in your body depending on how regulated you are. It often shows up visceral. Ex Alexandra's description - maybe she can remember how she could feel it in her body ? alexandra ?. I in my own experience from a work place with a female leader/ person I began to have contractions in my stomach, hair raising in my neck, nausia, contractions in my neck and shoulders, I often had a feeling of wanting to turn around and run, trying to keep distance from her in the workplace, sometimes I just wanted to cry, me and my boyfriend started to have more arguments at home, when relaxing at home, I started to suddenly run up to 5 meters from my bed room into my living room without understanding what the hell was going on, feeling exhausted by trying to defend myself, she was always trying to turn things around, if I could document some of what she accused me of, she just came up with something new (totally irrational), I started havinng vitamin deficiency, feeling heavyness in the body, feeling relief when she was not at work ect. Of course my co workers wasn't able to notise that something was off because of all the manipulation, splitting, sexual harassment against male coworkers, bullying, putting you up on a pedistal when she could use your work and throwing you off the pedistal, when she had used you for what ever she needed to show off what a brilliant leader she was - until some of them had an unpleasant experience in her office themselves (gaslighting) and coming out of her office very confused ect., getting sick, a lot started to have stress symptoms ect. I have never met a person like this before in my life. I found the work by Lisbeth and Mike about female psykopaths in the workplace very helpful. Also SE therapy helped me. And a good therapist, who told me that I've had been in contact with a narc/psykopath and that my reactions were normal. There is also something called gaslighting by tribe. m.youtube.com/watch?v=6ibAG-f8L2IThe movie from 1944 |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 9:44:33 GMT
You can often feel it in your body depending on how regulated you are. It often shows up visceral. Ex Alexandra's description - maybe she can remember how she could feel it in her body ? alexandra ? Both were years ago now, so best I can describe it was confusion (maybe fogginess) followed by an all out anxiety attack (overwhelmed mentally and physically because something was very wrong, and was it me???) that lasted a few hours. Can't give the specifics of where in the body, at this point. |
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Me
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Me on Jun 5, 2020 10:27:43 GMT
My partner does it sometimes.
There has been a few occasions of definite gaslighting, one is everytime I get my hair done he always says after why didnt you dye it purple or I thought you would dye it purple ( the color of his ex girlfriends hair ) and one day when I said why do you always say that he denied that he ever said it and another time he snatched my phone out of my hand because I was messaging a friend and he was suspicious and the next day I tried to speak to him about it and he denied doing it .
He does accuse me of over reacting or being too sensitive a lot so I'm not sure if that's gaslighting as well or just because he is avoidant. It seems like it's always to avoid taking responsibility for his actions but I'm not sure if its intentional in a narcissistic kind of way or just because hes avoiding solving problems or overwhelmed.
It makes me so angry especially when I know for a fact he has said or done these things . I dont really have much advice I just try to not argue and let it go because all it does is drain me and I know he will continue to deny , I'll just happily let him be wrong . I also try to reassure myself that I am remembering correctly. Like with the phone situation I had started to doubt myself thinking oh maybe he was playing around because we play fight, and he had forgotten about it or something but then I realised that he was trying to make me doubt myself so now I take things at my first reaction and dont question myself
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 5, 2020 10:52:23 GMT
Funny you should post this Alice, I watched this clip from Sam Vaknin. The word is misused a lot, like the word "Narc". Some codependent behaviour may come across as gaslighting or being a "narc" when it's just "outer critic" talk. www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ3Piz0TNXkshould this be under "general" by the way? Why under F-A threads? Interesting that you would be watching videos by a narcissist. I used to watch his videos when I was dating a guy with high levels of narc tendencies. I watch Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin out of interest, they have a lot of "worldy" things to say. Always trying to learn. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2020 13:10:32 GMT
Interesting that you would be watching videos by a narcissist. I used to watch his videos when I was dating a guy with high levels of narc tendencies. I watch Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin out of interest, they have a lot of "worldy" things to say. Always trying to learn. I don’t agree with Sam vankin’s perspective of an empath. I am an empath and I do not see myself as a “victim”. I also do not make a big deal out of it....it is just part of who I am. |
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