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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 9, 2020 3:42:10 GMT
Thank you so much tnr9. I feel terribly foolish to not have read his non-verbal signs and for not getting myself out of this situation sooner. An old, old part of me is beating me up for even initiating contact and starting this whole mess. You don't need to be hard on yourself for not mind-reading when another adult isn't properly communicating with you. It's not a matter of not reading his non-verbal signals, that's actually anxious-leaning overfunctioning. Flip the narrative. It's instead sticking around even though you're not getting your own needs met without looking primarily through the lens of is his overall behavior adequate for you to be happy in a relationship with him. Thank you so much alexandra. I never saw it that way - reading non-verbal cues really is unhealthy. In the end realising my needs will never be met, even within the spheres of a basic friendship is what made me say goodbye. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Sept 27, 2020 5:37:24 GMT
So, after a silence of 4 months, DA ex texted me 2 weeks ago and said he was in my part of the city and if I wanted to get breakfast.
This after I explicitly told him I don't stay friends with exes or like grey zones( my FA and need for control and clarity kicks in very strongly in these cases). Anyway, I met him. I was curious, very very guarded and truth be told, also a little hopeful. We talked about a bunch of things - mainly how the quarantine has been and what we've both been up to. We absolutely did not talk about anything personal. This was two Sundays ago.
I texted him during the following week to ask if we can talk - I wanted to ask him why he reached out. What proceeded to happen was classic stonewalling. "I'll call tomorrow", then "tomorrow is busy, I'll call over the weekend". Then on the weekend, "I have a bad cold, sorry can't talk".
I finally sent him a voice note last Wednesday clearly explaining how the not staying friends rule is an important boundary for me. I said it's ok that he reached out( and acknowledged the fact that I met him as well). But that I cannot do this again if that's all he wants. To all this no reply, until late last night.
He finally texts me and says I'm sorry for being an ass. I should have been more sensitive of what you said about your boundary all those months ago. And that he only wanted to hang out and ask how I was doing in the lockdown. He also said it probably wasn't a good idea to reach out. After 10 days of stonewalling. I do not want to even credit his texts with a reply.
I think it's all thanks to the SE work I've done that I'm not an utter anxious mess right now. While I did have moments of anxiety, I was able to regulate myself and be clear about where I am and what I need (as opposed to even a few months ago, when I'd have bent over backwards to accommodate him).
His behaviour looks not only childish but quite unhealthy and while I have empathy for the unhealed child in him(and his DA side that can get overwhelmed), I absolutely cannot maintain even a healthy level of communication with him. This really broke down the image of him I had in my mind. I have finally let go of that dream of him and me. And I think the healing of my attachment wounds also had a huge role to play.
I cannot ever go back to this level of push and pull and ever be attracted to people who distance.
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Post by serenity on Sept 27, 2020 6:58:58 GMT
Hugs Becomingme. I had a similar experience recently. My avoidant ex worked with me pre covid, and the post breakup was terrible while we still interacted at work. It had been a 15 month relationship. Imagine all the stonewalling, distancing and wierdness in the workplace, where you have to cooperate regularly and interact with the same people? My ex also had a weird thing with backstabbing me and trying to undermine my reputation in the workplace, which felt like possessiveness combined with a smear campaign at the time. He later said he just didn't know how to cope.
Covid gave me months of space, and I went full radio silence. When we finally reconnected, he complained about the lack of communication. We had an amicable conversation and agreed we'd try for remaining on good terms. Within a week he was back to giving the silent treatment, gaslighting, and backstabbing. I asked him what he needed from me to make the friendship feel okay for him, and I let him know the silent treatment and the backstabbing was not helping us stay on "good terms". He replied that he "didn't have to explain every little thing to me" and that just asking made him shutdown "nuff said". He refused to talk any time after that, and hasn't reached out.
I'm glad I had the time away. I'm not going to normalise the silent treatment from anyone ever again. I consider it abuse and a cowardly way to avoid consequences for shitty behaviour, no matter what the reasons behind it.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 27, 2020 8:50:57 GMT
@becomingme
"I do not want to even credit his texts with a reply"..
Why ?
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Post by BecomingMe on Sept 27, 2020 9:30:17 GMT
serenity, I am so sorry for what you've been through. It really is a form of abuse. I can only imagine what working with your ex must have been like. And yes, the silence that he drew out for days(which really is a way to avoid confrontation) felt awful. This after I texted him and told him I genuinely want to understand why he reached out and do not want to confront him or be aggressive on the matter. His sub-conscious need to self regulate by stonewalling makes any and all discussion with him pointless. This is not how human relations ought to be.
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Post by BecomingMe on Sept 27, 2020 9:36:40 GMT
@becomingme "I do not want to even credit his texts with a reply".. Why ? Several reasons @annie12. Foremost among them is that there really isn't anything more to discuss after he said he only reached out to hang out. I realised that I am also very very angry and can lash out at him if I re-open communications. I do not see the point in it. I don't want this person in my life and I don't want to waste any more words in him. I said goodbye in my voice note and told him I don't know what I had done to make him uncomfortable and if I'll ever hear from him. He did not address how he had just gone silent for days nor did he acknowledged how much I tried to reach out. If this is the level of effort he puts into repairing things on his side, I think I have to leave things where they are. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 1, 2020 13:11:42 GMT
I’m sorry for this yet again, another emotionally abusive move on his part and you suffering. You have class, for trying to respectfully communicate with what sounds like an ass. My last text to someone from my past like this (actually the guy I was crying here about 3 years ago), who texted during quarantine about a “project” was: “Can I please have dignity? Please?” Never heard back:)
The proper move is to block and delete.
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Post by maryisback on Oct 16, 2020 1:06:23 GMT
I finally told my DA ex goodbye. I told him that I did not like this no-man's land. If he wanted to work towards a relationship, he could let me know. If I was available, I would then see. He again went into how he was not averse to hanging out/talking. And if I ever wanted to hang out, to hit him up. He said the same thing once before when I straight out asked him if he wanted to give us another chance. He said he was in a bad place with career and his health but we "don't need to be incommunicado". He has no intentions of keeping a normal conversation going, does not reply to texts on time and never reaches out. I had to put an end to this finally and tell him I don't do well being friends with people I've slept with, wished him well and said goodbye - to which I was treated to the digital version of the WALL going up. No reply. Why even say all this? It seems so pointless. For a person who measures his words and is very careful about what he says, he seems very nonchalant about throwing out this "let's hang out" a lot. Even after knowing I have feelings for him. Is it just to keep the door open or to get some ego boost or to see if something more casual can develop? I know none of us can have an insight into what he's feeling but I'm just so angry right now. I think some people don't want to have contact after a breakup and I get that but I can see where he is coming from. I have kept in touch with a few of my exes. We do not talk every day but we will touch base once in a while and hang out for a meal. For me, it's not about keeping a door open or an ego boost. It's just the fact that I have a connection with this person and a history. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work, why not keep in touch? A connection still exists. |
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maryt
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Post by maryt on Oct 16, 2020 11:18:44 GMT
I finally told my DA ex goodbye. I told him that I did not like this no-man's land. If he wanted to work towards a relationship, he could let me know. If I was available, I would then see. He again went into how he was not averse to hanging out/talking. And if I ever wanted to hang out, to hit him up. He said the same thing once before when I straight out asked him if he wanted to give us another chance. He said he was in a bad place with career and his health but we "don't need to be incommunicado". He has no intentions of keeping a normal conversation going, does not reply to texts on time and never reaches out. I had to put an end to this finally and tell him I don't do well being friends with people I've slept with, wished him well and said goodbye - to which I was treated to the digital version of the WALL going up. No reply. Why even say all this? It seems so pointless. For a person who measures his words and is very careful about what he says, he seems very nonchalant about throwing out this "let's hang out" a lot. Even after knowing I have feelings for him. Is it just to keep the door open or to get some ego boost or to see if something more casual can develop? I know none of us can have an insight into what he's feeling but I'm just so angry right now. I think some people don't want to have contact after a breakup and I get that but I can see where he is coming from. I have kept in touch with a few of my exes. We do not talk every day but we will touch base once in a while and hang out for a meal. For me, it's not about keeping a door open or an ego boost. It's just the fact that I have a connection with this person and a history. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work, why not keep in touch? A connection still exists. This is very interesting to me, Mary. My current boyfriend is FA but also can have some DA tendencies. One of our recent challenges is that he also keeps in touch with his ex’s. He says the same...that he doesn’t relationships on bad terms and sees no reason not to remain friends. I’ve often wondered if it fell more into the class FA cycling back, so it can get in my head sometimes (I’m AP healing toward secure). He doesn’t see them...just touches base mostly via text. But there’s something about it that triggers my AP side. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Oct 16, 2020 11:20:59 GMT
maryisbackThank you for your insight  You could be right- that it probably wasn't an ego boost. I honestly have no idea what he meant. When I wrote this, I was hurting from the fact that he didn't want to give things another chance and was also not hearing me out when I said I didn't want to be friends. I was also at a point in my journey where I was looking outside of me to understand things. The "Why's of life" can be such a rabbit hole I know now that I can never guess what people want(I can only hope they clearly spell it out) and that the answers don't lie in analysing another person's actions. The most I can do is draw my boundaries, say what I mean, heal my hurt and move on. His push/pull dynamics weren't serving me at all.
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Post by maryisback on Oct 16, 2020 13:40:26 GMT
maryisback Thank you for your insight You could be right- that it probably wasn't an ego boost. I honestly have no idea what he meant. When I wrote this, I was hurting from the fact that he didn't want to give things another chance and was also not hearing me out when I said I didn't want to be friends. I was also at a point in my journey where I was looking outside of me to understand things. The "Why's of life" can be such a rabbit hole I know now that I can never guess what people want(I can only hope they clearly spell it out) and that the answers don't lie in analysing another person's actions. The most I can do is draw my boundaries, say what I mean, heal my hurt and move on. His push/pull dynamics weren't serving me at all. Exactly! Be clear about what you want and hopefully they will respect it. That's all you can do. It's very hard to draw a DA back into a relationship once they have left. I think it's a difference between DA and FA. Once it gets messy, the DA instinct is to disappear. It's too much for me to sort out. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2020 17:08:29 GMT
maryt, that anxiety trigger sounds like it has a foundation in the comparison trap / eventually leading to fear of abandonment.
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Post by maryisback on Oct 16, 2020 20:40:05 GMT
I think some people don't want to have contact after a breakup and I get that but I can see where he is coming from. I have kept in touch with a few of my exes. We do not talk every day but we will touch base once in a while and hang out for a meal. For me, it's not about keeping a door open or an ego boost. It's just the fact that I have a connection with this person and a history. Just because the intimate relationship didn't work, why not keep in touch? A connection still exists. This is very interesting to me, Mary. My current boyfriend is FA but also can have some DA tendencies. One of our recent challenges is that he also keeps in touch with his ex’s. He says the same...that he doesn’t relationships on bad terms and sees no reason not to remain friends. I’ve often wondered if it fell more into the class FA cycling back, so it can get in my head sometimes (I’m AP healing toward secure). He doesn’t see them...just touches base mostly via text. But there’s something about it that triggers my AP side. For me, it's cause I can keep my emotional "distance" with exes. A lot of times, I forget the bad stuff and being friends is so much easier and fun. I can see where you wouldn't like your bf doing it though. FAs are a mystery to me, so I don't know if their reasons are different. |
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You could be right- that it probably wasn't an ego boost. I honestly have no idea what he meant. When I wrote this, I was hurting from the fact that he didn't want to give things another chance and was also not hearing me out when I said I didn't want to be friends. I was also at a point in my journey where I was looking outside of me to understand things. The "Why's of life" can be such a rabbit hole