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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 8:50:02 GMT
I finally told my DA ex goodbye. I told him that I did not like this no-man's land. If he wanted to work towards a relationship, he could let me know. If I was available, I would then see. He again went into how he was not averse to hanging out/talking. And if I ever wanted to hang out, to hit him up. He said the same thing once before when I straight out asked him if he wanted to give us another chance. He said he was in a bad place with career and his health but we "don't need to be incommunicado". He has no intentions of keeping a normal conversation going, does not reply to texts on time and never reaches out.
I had to put an end to this finally and tell him I don't do well being friends with people I've slept with, wished him well and said goodbye - to which I was treated to the digital version of the WALL going up. No reply. Why even say all this? It seems so pointless. For a person who measures his words and is very careful about what he says, he seems very nonchalant about throwing out this "let's hang out" a lot. Even after knowing I have feelings for him. Is it just to keep the door open or to get some ego boost or to see if something more casual can develop?
I know none of us can have an insight into what he's feeling but I'm just so angry right now.
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 9:12:34 GMT
Just for context, I've turned severely Avoidant with some of the men I've hooked up with, but I'm very clear about wanting to not talk to them. I don't do the soft approach of let's keep in touch and meet, which will never happen.
I realise that he's being very flaky while I've read too much into his words. I think this is a tough lesson because I have this image of him that he only says what he means.
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Post by mrob on Jun 8, 2020 11:46:25 GMT
What did you expect him to do? He wasn’t in a position to do anything else! You said goodbye. That’s enough to send anyone’s wall up except an AP or anxious FA who tries to get closer. That doesn’t answer your question, but I’m amazed you’d expect anything less than a wall!
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 12:07:31 GMT
What did you expect him to do? He wasn’t in a position to do anything else! You said goodbye. That’s enough to send anyone’s wall up except an AP or anxious FA who tries to get closer. That doesn’t answer your question, but I’m amazed you’d expect anything less than a wall! I think I just wanted a goodbye and parting on good terms. However, you are right. It would send anyone's guard up. What I want and I feel isn't necessarily what he'd want/feel. The wall isn't the problem here mrob. I'm used to that. I'm just tired of hearing platitudes from him. I should have learnt this lesson a long time ago. Better late then never. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2020 12:30:49 GMT
What did you expect him to do? He wasn’t in a position to do anything else! You said goodbye. That’s enough to send anyone’s wall up except an AP or anxious FA who tries to get closer. That doesn’t answer your question, but I’m amazed you’d expect anything less than a wall! I think I just wanted a goodbye and parting on good terms. However, you are right. It would send anyone's guard up. What I want and I feel isn't necessarily what he'd want/feel. The wall isn't the problem here mrob . I'm used to that. I'm just tired of hearing platitudes from him. I should have learnt this lesson a long time ago. Better late then never. I understand your question...I lean very AP in relationships and it is confusing when you think things are “done” (doesn’t matter who did the breaking up) but then the whole “friendship/hang out” option is put out there. I am like you in that I tend to need a clean break because I get very attached and can’t really return to something “casual, nonchalant”. It depends a great deal on what he means by hanging out.....Even though B broke up with me, he missed spending time at my place watching movies. I truly believe he still wanted to be friends...I do not think he was at all trying to keep the door open,although there were some very confusing moments. What I think is most important right now however is to not try to interpret his actions/motives (so incredibly hard I know), but instead, check in with yourself...which you have already done....and act based on what you need. At this point, if you know you need a clean break, then I would let him know and then I would remove all access to you (tell him you are doing this so that you can heal). I truly wish I had done that myself looking back. Good luck. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 8, 2020 13:04:18 GMT
What did you expect him to do? He wasn’t in a position to do anything else! You said goodbye. That’s enough to send anyone’s wall up except an AP or anxious FA who tries to get closer. That doesn’t answer your question, but I’m amazed you’d expect anything less than a wall! I think I just wanted a goodbye and parting on good terms. However, you are right. It would send anyone's guard up. What I want and I feel isn't necessarily what he'd want/feel. The wall isn't the problem here mrob. I'm used to that. I'm just tired of hearing platitudes from him. I should have learnt this lesson a long time ago. Better late then never. If you’re convinced he’s a DA, he’ll be around to get a need filled. There’s no real need for anyone else in his life. If, on the other hand, he’s FA, the whole thing has just been another failure and another reason to put the wall higher in future, but die inside. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 13:04:55 GMT
Thank you so much tnr9. I feel terribly foolish to not have read his non-verbal signs and for not getting myself out of this situation sooner. An old, old part of me is beating me up for even initiating contact and starting this whole mess. I think what I need right now is to just sit with the fact that I've fully and completely shut this door, which feels scary and big but I know I have the tools to get through. And to know that this is what is healthy for me. Atleast now I don't live ib limbo of if/when he'd contact me. This frees up so much of my mind and energy. But today I just feel raw and tired and empty. Thank you again for your kind words. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 13:13:02 GMT
I think I just wanted a goodbye and parting on good terms. However, you are right. It would send anyone's guard up. What I want and I feel isn't necessarily what he'd want/feel. The wall isn't the problem here mrob. I'm used to that. I'm just tired of hearing platitudes from him. I should have learnt this lesson a long time ago. Better late then never. If you’re convinced he’s a DA, he’ll be around to get a need filled. There’s no real need for anyone else in his life. If, on the other hand, he’s FA, the whole thing has just been another failure and another reason to put the wall higher in future, but die inside. Haha mrob I lol'ed at he’s FA, the whole thing has just been another failure and another reason to put the wall higher in future, but die inside. I'm an FA and this was exactly my thought. Something on the lines of I'll never get this attached ever again to ano"ther person ever. This sucks" I'm pretty sure he's a DA. By "he'll be around to get a need filled", do you mean his need for validation? |
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Post by mrob on Jun 8, 2020 13:46:35 GMT
I’m sorry for the way I spoke above BecomingMe. I understand being on the anxious side of FAness. If you can imagine our avoidance when triggered without the doubt, Without any real need for anyone else, that’s DA. Validation, sex, money are all reasons. I’ve seen it with one friend in particular, and those qualities are still (sigh) very attractive to me in a woman. I’m sorry this is going on for you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2020 14:12:08 GMT
I’m sorry for the way I spoke above BecomingMe . I understand being on the anxious side of FAness. If you can imagine our avoidance when triggered without the doubt, Without any real need for anyone else, that’s DA. Validation, sex, money are all reasons. I’ve seen it with one friend in particular, and those qualities are still (sigh) very attractive to me in a woman. I’m sorry this is going on for you. What is the attraction? The fact that there is no doubt thus no feeling of being engulfed? |
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 8, 2020 14:21:28 GMT
I’m sorry for the way I spoke above BecomingMe. I understand being on the anxious side of FAness. If you can imagine our avoidance when triggered without the doubt, Without any real need for anyone else, that’s DA. Validation, sex, money are all reasons. I’ve seen it with one friend in particular, and those qualities are still (sigh) very attractive to me in a woman. I’m sorry this is going on for you. Thank you. I understand where you are coming from. I am quite dismissive with certain people as well. So I get the flip side of this terrible feeling. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 8, 2020 14:37:43 GMT
I’m sorry for the way I spoke above BecomingMe . I understand being on the anxious side of FAness. If you can imagine our avoidance when triggered without the doubt, Without any real need for anyone else, that’s DA. Validation, sex, money are all reasons. I’ve seen it with one friend in particular, and those qualities are still (sigh) very attractive to me in a woman. I’m sorry this is going on for you. What is the attraction? The fact that there is no doubt thus no feeling of being engulfed? Some part of me loves that unshakeable self assuredness. The apparent capability to deal with life. Something I struggle with less now than ever before. And I know they’ll never need me, so no danger of engulfment. Those are the conscious reasons. The subconscious truth is, sadly, that these are the things I craved for as a child. To be protected and loved by someone capable, and I saw my mentally disturbed, tough as nails Nana as the capable one. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2020 18:20:21 GMT
What is the attraction? The fact that there is no doubt thus no feeling of being engulfed? Some part of me loves that unshakeable self assuredness. The apparent capability to deal with life. Something I struggle with less now than ever before. And I know they’ll never need me, so no danger of engulfment. Those are the conscious reasons. The subconscious truth is, sadly, that these are the things I craved for as a child. To be protected and loved by someone capable, and I saw my mentally disturbed, tough as nails Nana as the capable one. Thank you for providing that insight....not in anyway going to fault you as you know the men I tend to fall for and the reasons why my subconscious thinks it will work when it clearly will not. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 8, 2020 19:04:10 GMT
Thank you so much tnr9. I feel terribly foolish to not have read his non-verbal signs and for not getting myself out of this situation sooner. An old, old part of me is beating me up for even initiating contact and starting this whole mess. You don't need to be hard on yourself for not mind-reading when another adult isn't properly communicating with you. It's not a matter of not reading his non-verbal signals, that's actually anxious-leaning overfunctioning. Flip the narrative. It's instead sticking around even though you're not getting your own needs met without looking primarily through the lens of is his overall behavior adequate for you to be happy in a relationship with him. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 9, 2020 3:38:09 GMT
What is the attraction? The fact that there is no doubt thus no feeling of being engulfed? Some part of me loves that unshakeable self assuredness. The apparent capability to deal with life. Something I struggle with less now than ever before. And I know they’ll never need me, so no danger of engulfment. Those are the conscious reasons. The subconscious truth is, sadly, that these are the things I craved for as a child. To be protected and loved by someone capable, and I saw my mentally disturbed, tough as nails Nana as the capable one. I had a similar breakthrough in therapy a few days ago mrob. And it was the reason I ended things with my ex. The 5 year old me who was stuck with a mentally unstable mother constantly craved the presence of my father - whom I associated with safety and security. He was mostly never there. AAs remind me too much of my mother and my ex-husband with their constant needs and demands. This is the reason I am so attracted to DAs and their stoic, outward demenor. I realised the things I craved for most were the exact things my ex could never provide. Even when I was with him, there was so much distancing. This need for a strong male figure is something I need to work on/heal outside of a relationship. It would definitely make anyone feel engulfed when I bring so much to the table. |
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