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Post by tnr9 on Jun 11, 2020 0:51:44 GMT
my friend who told me he was engaged, told me that he got married and that they had a live video of the wedding and it was about a month and a half ago ( I think she meant a month ago because they got engaged around easter and it is June 10th). She said that it was an outdoor wedding and it looked like it was just family, but lots of people were leaving well wishes online. She thought I would have known because of all the other friends I have in the community....but I did not. I just feel numb. It moved so fast between them and it is hard not to go into comparisons.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 11, 2020 3:25:08 GMT
my friend who told me he was engaged, told me that he got married and that they had a live video of the wedding and it was about a month and a half ago ( I think she meant a month ago because they got engaged around easter and it is June 10th). She said that it was an outdoor wedding and it looked like it was just family, but lots of people were leaving well wishes online. She thought I would have known because of all the other friends I have in the community....but I did not. I just feel numb. It moved so fast between them and it is hard not to go into comparisons. I'm not going to sugar coat this, but offer some perspective that you already know. Here is where you can flip the narrative and gain personal strength, resolve and self respect and positive outcomes! You can literally really use this, anger, frustration etc and redirect that into developing yourself, and attract a far better partner than this "B" character was in your life. Leverage it all and use it in exercise etc and make yourself in a couple months time feel literally "a million dollars", at the very least, never mind any other activities you may enjoy or want to pursue. Each relationship will be different due to many variables. Including attachment style, trauma bonding, fantasy bonding etc as we know, and also maybe co-morbid symptoms at the time. And as we know people on social media paint a different picture to the reality. What we do know is "patterns don't change", at all, ZERO, unless someone is actively working on themselves. So if this guy had D-A tendency did you say? I don't know the story 100% sorry, I haven't read through the forums, mainly only in F-A where I was learning from others and giving my story so it may ring bells and people could garner something from it of benefit. Not to sound judgemental at all, but going over facts, it may put your mind at ease somewhat, and alert you, for the very same dangers he may not have recognised, again a positive for YOU. You are aware and armed with so much knowledge, and can avert danger, unlike your former partner. Let's go over reality: If he is on the "avoidant" spectrum, who pushed you anxious (as you have realised you are potentially F-A but anxious leaning in relationships), that ain't gonna change in any relationship regardless of who he is with, if he has hit a gold mine somehow and met a "secure" (like literal needle in a hay stack scenario after 40) and the secure accepted him for who he is for some reason (I wouldn't accept intermittent reinforcement for very long at all, I can guarantee, nor do I accept whirlwind relationships, I slow them, only been in 2 of those scenarios my entire 20 year dating history, one when I was 21, and one when I was 41, both massive red flags), then ultimately that would be his best chance of success. But the reality as we know is that 80%~ are insecurely attached after 30-35 years old on the dating market (via Jeb Kinnison himself), mainly avoidants. And so armed with that, regardless of whether he is engaged and married now, what % chance do you think he has for success in that relationship (also considering it's moved very fast, which is a red flag) is going to stand the test of time? How many whirlwind "he/she is the one" have we witnessed since adolescence and seen 95% fail? He may seemingly "be happy" in this relationship, yet truly not in himself, a fantasy bond and codependency basically, and where will that lead in future at some stage for him and his current partner? It's going to lead to another failure guaranteed, it's purely a matter of timing. All of these things are literally "his" issues, not yours, but if you think about it for 5 seconds, it shouldn't bother you, nothing he does should bother you. Nor should you be wishing him "failure". But if he truly is an unaware insecurely attached individual as you have stated? What long term chances does he truly have? Even more pain and suffering sadly, yet you are armed with information so you can avoid all this...hopefully. That's a massive positive for you, a fantastic situation to be in, as you know, not many even become aware of these patterns. For what it's worth, my ex. has been part of a whirlwind relationship since late last year. I have wished her well, she had an ongoing health issue that I still contacted her about until 2 months ago, when she was given the all clear, and she was very appreciative of my support. She doesn't want to confront her childhood trauma, and so, I left the ball in her court. "The pain of staying the same, does not outweigh the pain of change" for her. She's going to again try and find "happiness in a whirlwind relationship", with all other associated addictions, yet again! She's done it every single time in the past. All have failed in the past where they cheated and controlled and manipulated her, but she cannot see the patterning. I tried to make her aware of the patterning softly, linked to her in a loving way a few tidbits over the past 6 months about Narcs, 4F stress/trauma response and Pete Walkers book, among a few other items for her to contemplate and see if it was applicable in her life. She has acknowledged it is applicable in some ways, but too emotionally drained to contemplate it fully, her words, yet has met "the one" and "is happy", but literally doesn't have the energy to remotely know who she is? Just an example of reality vs projection of happiness "in a relationship" as we all know, the most dangerous thing one can do in terms of self preservation. If you truly love him, unconditionally, wish him well, because he's going to need it! He kept that relationship going with you via intermittent reinforcement I presume, and clearly has poor communication? Hope that he works on himself for himself and his own well being for the future, and he doesn't continue the "patterns". You are aware and working on yourself, a major game changer, and you hopefully wont accept the same "whirlwind" romance scenarios that we all know are just fantasy/trauma bonding largely disguised as love. You truly are in a far better position than your ex. but you don't realise it seemingly! Hope the pain recedes for you soon! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 11, 2020 4:30:42 GMT
my friend who told me he was engaged, told me that he got married and that they had a live video of the wedding and it was about a month and a half ago ( I think she meant a month ago because they got engaged around easter and it is June 10th). She said that it was an outdoor wedding and it looked like it was just family, but lots of people were leaving well wishes online. She thought I would have known because of all the other friends I have in the community....but I did not. I just feel numb. It moved so fast between them and it is hard not to go into comparisons. I'm not going to sugar coat this, but offer some perspective that you already know. Here is where you can flip the narrative and gain personal strength, resolve and self respect and positive outcomes! You can literally really use this, anger, frustration etc and redirect that into developing yourself, and attract a far better partner than this "B" character was in your life. Leverage it all and use it in exercise etc and make yourself in a couple months time feel literally "a million dollars", at the very least, never mind any other activities you may enjoy or want to pursue. Each relationship will be different due to many variables. Including attachment style, trauma bonding, fantasy bonding etc as we know, and also maybe co-morbid symptoms at the time. And as we know people on social media paint a different picture to the reality. What we do know is "patterns don't change", at all, ZERO, unless someone is actively working on themselves. So if this guy had D-A tendency did you say? I don't know the story 100% sorry, I haven't read through the forums, mainly only in F-A where I was learning from others and giving my story so it may ring bells and people could garner something from it of benefit. Not to sound judgemental at all, but going over facts, it may put your mind at ease somewhat, and alert you, for the very same dangers he may not have recognised, again a positive for YOU. You are aware and armed with so much knowledge, and can avert danger, unlike your former partner. Let's go over reality: If he is on the "avoidant" spectrum, who pushed you anxious (as you have realised you are potentially F-A but anxious leaning in relationships), that ain't gonna change in any relationship regardless of who he is with, if he has hit a gold mine somehow and met a "secure" (like literal needle in a hay stack scenario after 40) and the secure accepted him for who he is for some reason (I wouldn't accept intermittent reinforcement for very long at all, I can guarantee, nor do I accept whirlwind relationships, I slow them, only been in 2 of those scenarios my entire 20 year dating history, one when I was 21, and one when I was 41, both massive red flags), then ultimately that would be his best chance of success. But the reality as we know is that 80%~ are insecurely attached after 30-35 years old on the dating market (via Jeb Kinnison himself), mainly avoidants. And so armed with that, regardless of whether he is engaged and married now, what % chance do you think he has for success in that relationship (also considering it's moved very fast, which is a red flag) is going to stand the test of time? How many whirlwind "he/she is the one" have we witnessed since adolescence and seen 95% fail? He's may be seemingly "happy" in the relationship and truly not in himself, and where will that lead in future at some stage for him and his current partner? It's going to lead to another failure guaranteed, it's purely a matter of timing. All of these things are literally "his" issues, not yours, but if you think about it for 5 seconds, it shouldn't bother you, nothing he does should bother you. Not that you should be wishing him "failure", but if he's unaware? What long term chances does he truly have? Even more pain and suffering, and you are armed with information so you can avoid all this...hopefully. That's a massive positive for you. For what it's worth, my ex. has been part of a whirlwind relationship since late last year. I have wished her well, she had an ongoing health issue that I still contacted her about until 2 months ago, when she was given the all clear, and she was very appreciative of my support. She doesn't want to confront her childhood trauma, and so, I left the ball in her court. "The pain of staying the same, does not outweigh the pain of change" for her. She's going to again try and find "happiness in a whirlwind relationship" yet again! She's done it every single time in the past. All have failed in the past where they cheated and controlled and manipulated her, but she cannot see the patterning. I tried to make her aware of the patterning softly, linked to her in a loving way a few tidbits over the past 6 months about Narcs, 4F stress/trauma response and Pete Walkers book, among a few other items for her to contemplate and see if it was applicable in her life. She has acknowledged it is applicable in some ways, but too emotionally drained to contemplate it fully, her words, yet has met "the one" and "is happy", but literally doesn't have the energy to remotely know who she is? Just an example of reality vs projection of happiness "in a relationship" as we all know, the most dangerous thing one can do in terms of self preservation. If you truly love him, unconditionally, wish him well, because he's going to need it! He kept that relationship going with you via intermittent reinforcement I presume, and clearly has poor communication? Hope that he works on himself for himself and his own well being for the future, and he doesn't continue the "patterns". You are aware and working on yourself, a major game changer, and you hopefully wont accept the same "whirlwind" romance scenarios that we all know are just fantasy/trauma bonding largely disguised as love. Thank you so much for your reply....from what I gathered here...B is FA...but leaned avoidant and man oh man did I lean anxious. I do wish them well..I think the shock is how quickly they progressed....his history has been short relationships (less then a year) and he has only dated girls who have pursued him. At the time that he broke up with me...I was his longest relationship at 10.5 months. He and his wife dated around 8 months before they got engaged..which is so strange because the last time I saw him (end of July last year), he said he was going to take things slow with her. Just for context, he had gone on a couple of dates with her in I think March of last year, but had come to me with concerns because she was going on a month long mission trip as well as she had sent him the same set of photos regarding having a door fixed like 6 times and other things about not understanding her. He did end it, but I guess they reconnected when she returned in May. I guess my brain cannot fathom the swiftness of what has happened unless she did not activate his avoidance. I realize it is none of my business and the only thing I should take away from it is that I can now fully let him go and focus on the work ahead of me. I do appreciate this community so much. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 11, 2020 4:36:13 GMT
I'm not going to sugar coat this, but offer some perspective that you already know. Here is where you can flip the narrative and gain personal strength, resolve and self respect and positive outcomes! You can literally really use this, anger, frustration etc and redirect that into developing yourself, and attract a far better partner than this "B" character was in your life. Leverage it all and use it in exercise etc and make yourself in a couple months time feel literally "a million dollars", at the very least, never mind any other activities you may enjoy or want to pursue. Each relationship will be different due to many variables. Including attachment style, trauma bonding, fantasy bonding etc as we know, and also maybe co-morbid symptoms at the time. And as we know people on social media paint a different picture to the reality. What we do know is "patterns don't change", at all, ZERO, unless someone is actively working on themselves. So if this guy had D-A tendency did you say? I don't know the story 100% sorry, I haven't read through the forums, mainly only in F-A where I was learning from others and giving my story so it may ring bells and people could garner something from it of benefit. Not to sound judgemental at all, but going over facts, it may put your mind at ease somewhat, and alert you, for the very same dangers he may not have recognised, again a positive for YOU. You are aware and armed with so much knowledge, and can avert danger, unlike your former partner. Let's go over reality: If he is on the "avoidant" spectrum, who pushed you anxious (as you have realised you are potentially F-A but anxious leaning in relationships), that ain't gonna change in any relationship regardless of who he is with, if he has hit a gold mine somehow and met a "secure" (like literal needle in a hay stack scenario after 40) and the secure accepted him for who he is for some reason (I wouldn't accept intermittent reinforcement for very long at all, I can guarantee, nor do I accept whirlwind relationships, I slow them, only been in 2 of those scenarios my entire 20 year dating history, one when I was 21, and one when I was 41, both massive red flags), then ultimately that would be his best chance of success. But the reality as we know is that 80%~ are insecurely attached after 30-35 years old on the dating market (via Jeb Kinnison himself), mainly avoidants. And so armed with that, regardless of whether he is engaged and married now, what % chance do you think he has for success in that relationship (also considering it's moved very fast, which is a red flag) is going to stand the test of time? How many whirlwind "he/she is the one" have we witnessed since adolescence and seen 95% fail? He's may be seemingly "happy" in the relationship and truly not in himself, and where will that lead in future at some stage for him and his current partner? It's going to lead to another failure guaranteed, it's purely a matter of timing. All of these things are literally "his" issues, not yours, but if you think about it for 5 seconds, it shouldn't bother you, nothing he does should bother you. Not that you should be wishing him "failure", but if he's unaware? What long term chances does he truly have? Even more pain and suffering, and you are armed with information so you can avoid all this...hopefully. That's a massive positive for you. For what it's worth, my ex. has been part of a whirlwind relationship since late last year. I have wished her well, she had an ongoing health issue that I still contacted her about until 2 months ago, when she was given the all clear, and she was very appreciative of my support. She doesn't want to confront her childhood trauma, and so, I left the ball in her court. "The pain of staying the same, does not outweigh the pain of change" for her. She's going to again try and find "happiness in a whirlwind relationship" yet again! She's done it every single time in the past. All have failed in the past where they cheated and controlled and manipulated her, but she cannot see the patterning. I tried to make her aware of the patterning softly, linked to her in a loving way a few tidbits over the past 6 months about Narcs, 4F stress/trauma response and Pete Walkers book, among a few other items for her to contemplate and see if it was applicable in her life. She has acknowledged it is applicable in some ways, but too emotionally drained to contemplate it fully, her words, yet has met "the one" and "is happy", but literally doesn't have the energy to remotely know who she is? Just an example of reality vs projection of happiness "in a relationship" as we all know, the most dangerous thing one can do in terms of self preservation. If you truly love him, unconditionally, wish him well, because he's going to need it! He kept that relationship going with you via intermittent reinforcement I presume, and clearly has poor communication? Hope that he works on himself for himself and his own well being for the future, and he doesn't continue the "patterns". You are aware and working on yourself, a major game changer, and you hopefully wont accept the same "whirlwind" romance scenarios that we all know are just fantasy/trauma bonding largely disguised as love. Thank you so much for your reply....from what I gathered here...B is FA...but leaned avoidant and man oh man did I lean anxious. I do wish them well..I think the shock is how quickly they progressed....his history has been short relationships (less then a year) and he has only dated girls who have pursued him. At the time that he broke up with me...I was his longest relationship at 10.5 months. He and his wife dated around 8 months before they got engaged..which is so strange because the last time I saw him (end of July last year), he said he was going to take things slow with her. Just for context, he had gone on a couple of dates with her in I think March of last year, but had come to me with concerns because she was going on a month long mission trip as well as she had sent him the same set of photos regarding having a door fixed like 6 times and other things about not understanding her. He did end it, but I guess they reconnected when she returned in May. I guess my brain cannot fathom the swiftness of what has happened unless she did not activate his avoidance. I realize it is none of my business and the only thing I should take away from it is that I can now fully let him go and focus on the work ahead of me. I do appreciate this community so much. Here's the deal, if this guy has childhood trauma, who's to say, he doesn't feel more "familiar" with this person than any others which is more than likely the case subconsciously. This is the positive for you. You actually realise now via some work, the dangers to yourself that other insecurely attached individuals present for your well being long term,. not 8 months, 8 months you do not 100% know someone, particularly when they do not communicate 100% effectively and it's all "assumed" roles in the relationship, until someone is triggered and the cascading dysfunction over time occurs. i.e. the classical codependent relationship. Which is exactly why you are here basically, the very thing you wish to avoid, that this guy can't because he's unaware and/or doesn't care? You are in a far better position, i'm telling you. The "label" means nothing. It truly doesn't. And I hope you assign it no more power over your character from here {edit} By the way, as you know, Fearful-Avoidants have a tendency to whirlwind/move fast initially, I've literally been on the receiving end of this myself, but slowed it, and I believe that was part of triggering her avoidant tbh. I'm not sure if you as a self diagnosed F-A with more anxiety has gone through this yourself. And so to me personally, it's totally "unsuprising" it's happened so fast, because the reason it does "go fast" is to hide and pull the other person into the loop as well, it covers up inherent issues temporarily. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 11, 2020 11:46:29 GMT
Thank you so much for your reply....from what I gathered here...B is FA...but leaned avoidant and man oh man did I lean anxious. I do wish them well..I think the shock is how quickly they progressed....his history has been short relationships (less then a year) and he has only dated girls who have pursued him. At the time that he broke up with me...I was his longest relationship at 10.5 months. He and his wife dated around 8 months before they got engaged..which is so strange because the last time I saw him (end of July last year), he said he was going to take things slow with her. Just for context, he had gone on a couple of dates with her in I think March of last year, but had come to me with concerns because she was going on a month long mission trip as well as she had sent him the same set of photos regarding having a door fixed like 6 times and other things about not understanding her. He did end it, but I guess they reconnected when she returned in May. I guess my brain cannot fathom the swiftness of what has happened unless she did not activate his avoidance. I realize it is none of my business and the only thing I should take away from it is that I can now fully let him go and focus on the work ahead of me. I do appreciate this community so much. Here's the deal, if this guy has childhood trauma, who's to say, he doesn't feel more "familiar" with this person than any others which is more than likely the case subconsciously. This is the positive for you. You actually realise now via some work, the dangers to yourself that other insecurely attached individuals present for your well being long term,. not 8 months, 8 months you do not 100% know someone, particularly when they do not communicate 100% effectively and it's all "assumed" roles in the relationship, until someone is triggered and the cascading dysfunction over time occurs. i.e. the classical codependent relationship. Which is exactly why you are here basically, the very thing you wish to avoid, that this guy can't because he's unaware and/or doesn't care? You are in a far better position, i'm telling you. The "label" means nothing. It truly doesn't. And I hope you assign it no more power over your character from here {edit} By the way, as you know, Fearful-Avoidants have a tendency to whirlwind/move fast initially, I've literally been on the receiving end of this myself, but slowed it, and I believe that was part of triggering her avoidant tbh. I'm not sure if you as a self diagnosed F-A with more anxiety has gone through this yourself. And so to me personally, it's totally "unsuprising" it's happened so fast, because the reason it does "go fast" is to hide and pull the other person into the loop as well, it covers up inherent issues temporarily. Funnily enough, a friend from school, another example, he has recently self diagnosed as D-A, he's been married for 10 years, they have children, totally dysfunctional relationship, arguing and aggro all the time and explosions. Do you truly want to be part of that scenario anymore? Is the greater question for yourself. Because it will be happening, but the public face will be the false persona projection of "happy", it's just truly sad people go through life like this. B’s dad was very strict and used a belt to enforce rules....his mom was very complacent. As the oldest male and also a very rebellious child, B received a lot of punishment. His parents were Mormon for a period of time so B was homeschooled until jr high. In high school he was suspended, was sent to a reform school, then he went back to high school but dropped out. At 20, he got his gf at the time pregnant but had broken up with her by that time (He got back with her when his son was 5 but she broke up with him). Around this time, he was involved in a robbery of a convenience store (he was the driver) and he has a felony on his record. He moved out of the area for about a year where he has ended up contracting MERSA...which is when he got into heroine (He had already been into marijuana and alcohol). He had to come back to the area to serve time for not paying his child support. He was living with his parents when I met him for financial reasons. I am not going to rehash the story of our relationship....but I was the one who was 3 steps ahead...so I know very well how that happens....I just did not think, after all doubt he had previously expressed, plus how avoidant he was with me, that he would “switch”....easier for my mind to think he wasn’t FA...but based on what I experienced I know that is not the case. Most of his siblings got engaged/married quickly....his younger brother got engaged after 6 months of dating. B used to tell me stories about how he did not want to end up like them because their marriages were broken. I know I will be ok and in the end, this is good....because I can focus on the path forward in a much stronger way. Although I would like to be married,I am ok with being single. |
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Post by annieb on Jun 11, 2020 12:04:30 GMT
Wait what? You know you never really broke it down like that. The story I have in my mind is this perfect man that got away. I was imagining the wedding and everything. Him in a blue linen suit, her in a Vera Wang slip dress a peony in her hair. An open air ceremony on Big Sur with a few tastefully dressed guests in attendance.
Are you saying B is a drug addicted felon, who doesn’t pay child support, lives with his parents and broke up with this poor woman once already?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 11, 2020 17:04:33 GMT
Wait what? You know you never really broke it down like that. The story I have in my mind is this perfect man that got away. I was imagining the wedding and everything. Him in a blue linen suit, her in a Vera Wang slip dress a peony in her hair. An open air ceremony on Big Sur with a few tastefully dressed guests in attendance. Are you saying B is a drug addicted felon, who doesn’t pay child support, lives with his parents and broke up with this poor woman once already? So...a couple of important clarifications.....his son is 20 now (b is 41) so child support payments are over....it always bothered him that a stupid mistake he made when he was 20sh (meaning the robbery) has prevented him from ever having a clearance...he would never say he was a drug addict, around the time that he and I became friends, he had just lost his job because he had ODed on heroine that was laced with fentanyl. His mom found him...it was a dark period of his life. He did go to weekly meetings and only used a couple of times after that (he stopped using when we started dating). As to the pot and alcohol, he did use those a lot while we were dating and when we would hang out. He would get drunk whenever he had something he was struggling with...he hated conflict. He could have given those up....he could have also given up smoking....which was also a habit of his. I did not judge him for his past...we all have a past. I just wanted to lay out the reasons why I think he is FA as opposed to secure.He lived with his parents for financial reasons....in part because of the child support payments, some additional insurance for a couple of DUIs, and his job situation was not the best at that time. He has taken a lot of classes recently towards a BA and got a network job with a large company which I believe he still works for. As far as breaking up with her...I guess he did, but they had only been on a couple of dates...when I asked him about it when I saw him in August, he said he wasn’t as negative towards her. |
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Post by dhali on Jun 11, 2020 19:52:16 GMT
He’s a hot mess. Married or not, he has no business being in a relationship. You know this.
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Post by serenity on Jun 11, 2020 21:22:32 GMT
Hugs trn9,
You're an especially caring, introspective, and accepting person. Any guy would be lucky to have you in their life.
I know we like to focus on attachment issues in this forum, but try to also consider the impact of B's deeply entrenched addiction problems. He's an older guy and if he's been having overdoses on Heroin, and using pot and booze regularly in recent years, his addiction issues run very deep. He's used to running away from his feelings and avoiding responsibility, and being married won't change that. Addicts also have a way of treating people like drugs and/or parent figures. For most addicts I've known, their ideal mate is an enabler who is willing to play the role of "parent" and shoulders the lion share of adult responsibilities. This can spiral into a situation where the enabler becomes the person to blame and rebel against, and the addict behaves like a surly teenager. These enabling partners are often parentified, resulting in a sexless and frustrating relationship in the long run.
When you have two people involved, each strongly ruled by the needs of their inner child, there can be a strong undercurrent of competition and trying to force one another into the role of parent. It may be the case that when you and B met, neither of you were a position to parent the other, but its what you both wanted deep down.
Its not impossible to find a "good father" figure as a partner. But if that's what you want, choose it consciously and be wary of people like addicts who are ruled by their inner child. You need someone very responsible to play that part. And consider the benefit of continuing to strengthen your own inner "good parent" (which I believe you have been doing very successfully in therapy). Its generally safer, and more fulfilling to have a partner as an equal, rather than as a child or parent figure in my own experiences. <3
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2020 10:11:39 GMT
Hugs trn9, You're an especially caring, introspective, and accepting person. Any guy would be lucky to have you in their life. I know we like to focus on attachment issues in this forum, but try to also consider the impact of B's deeply entrenched addiction problems. He's an older guy and if he's been having overdoses on Heroin, and using pot and booze regularly in recent years, his addiction issues run very deep. He's used to running away from his feelings and avoiding responsibility, and being married won't change that. Addicts also have a way of treating people like drugs and/or parent figures. For most addicts I've known, their ideal mate is an enabler who is willing to play the role of "parent" and shoulders the lion share of adult responsibilities. This can spiral into a situation where the enabler becomes the person to blame and rebel against, and the addict behaves like a surly teenager. These enabling partners are often parentified, resulting in a sexless and frustrating relationship in the long run. When you have two people involved, each strongly ruled by the needs of their inner child, there can be a strong undercurrent of competition and trying to force one another into the role of parent. It may be the case that when you and B met, neither of you were a position to parent the other, but its what you both wanted deep down. Its not impossible to find a "good father" figure as a partner. But if that's what you want, choose it consciously and be wary of people like addicts who are ruled by their inner child. You need someone very responsible to play that part. And consider the benefit of continuing to strengthen your own inner "good parent" (which I believe you have been doing very successfully in therapy). Its generally safer, and more fulfilling to have a partner as an equal, rather than as a child or parent figure in my own experiences. <3 Thanks serenity....I don’t think I was looking for a father figure. The issue is that i pick men based on possibilities versus reality. I tend to gloss over things I should take as red flags but I am so done with that. I never asked if B had ever ODed before....to my knowledge, that was the only time. I don’t know how long before me was the last gf or how long he had been single....but I do know he was in a dark place when it happened. He insisted he could take it or leave it (heroine) and I don’t think he used it again...but I agree that he has been avoiding his feelings for so very long and living under the roof of the man who caused him such pain as a child could not be easy. There was one time that I had (in fun) lightly smacked his butt...his immediate reaction was to ask me if I would like to be raped. This was very early in our dating...but points to how deeply impacted he was. I just am having a bit of a hard time understanding how he could go from saying he wanted to take things slow to deciding to marry her in 8 months. The only story my mind can come up with is that she has helped him to overcome a lot of his issues and that he is now in a much better place emotionally and financially. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2020 10:15:20 GMT
He’s a hot mess. Married or not, he has no business being in a relationship. You know this. You would think I would know this....but....I keep assigning all these positives to the fact that he chose her...that he must be over his fears and have worked on himself in such a way that he felt ready to be married. That she helped him to make positive changes which is why he married her. |
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Post by dhali on Jun 12, 2020 16:50:28 GMT
I’m sorry this is so painful. And really, it’s not possible to change all of those issues he had in such a short period of time. Add to that that avoidants are loathe to do the work because we don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s how you’re self loathing unfortunately by placing all the blame on yourself. The facts suggest otherwise. Objectively.
Hang in there.
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Post by serenity on Jun 12, 2020 21:29:36 GMT
Hugs trn9, You're an especially caring, introspective, and accepting person. Any guy would be lucky to have you in their life. I know we like to focus on attachment issues in this forum, but try to also consider the impact of B's deeply entrenched addiction problems. He's an older guy and if he's been having overdoses on Heroin, and using pot and booze regularly in recent years, his addiction issues run very deep. He's used to running away from his feelings and avoiding responsibility, and being married won't change that. Addicts also have a way of treating people like drugs and/or parent figures. For most addicts I've known, their ideal mate is an enabler who is willing to play the role of "parent" and shoulders the lion share of adult responsibilities. This can spiral into a situation where the enabler becomes the person to blame and rebel against, and the addict behaves like a surly teenager. These enabling partners are often parentified, resulting in a sexless and frustrating relationship in the long run. When you have two people involved, each strongly ruled by the needs of their inner child, there can be a strong undercurrent of competition and trying to force one another into the role of parent. It may be the case that when you and B met, neither of you were a position to parent the other, but its what you both wanted deep down. Its not impossible to find a "good father" figure as a partner. But if that's what you want, choose it consciously and be wary of people like addicts who are ruled by their inner child. You need someone very responsible to play that part. And consider the benefit of continuing to strengthen your own inner "good parent" (which I believe you have been doing very successfully in therapy). Its generally safer, and more fulfilling to have a partner as an equal, rather than as a child or parent figure in my own experiences. <3 Thanks serenity....I don’t think I was looking for a father figure. The issue is that i pick men based on possibilities versus reality. I tend to gloss over things I should take as red flags but I am so done with that. I just am having a bit of a hard time understanding how he could go from saying he wanted to take things slow to deciding to marry her in 8 months. The only story my mind can come up with is that she has helped him to overcome a lot of his issues and that he is now in a much better place emotionally and financially. I think pretty much most people in love gloss over their loved ones faults. Its kind of what Love is.. its choosing to understand, accept, and be close to someone, where they are at. Its the opposite of rejection and judgement. You are loving, and that's a beautiful quality. The " Redflag" thing is very personal. An awful lot of caring people get involved with sensitive people who drink or use drugs, due to their traumatic backgrounds. Its not usually until someone non-judgmental experiences a lot of pain from being with an addict, that they would set a hard boundary. I'm glad that you feel you will be more careful in future. I'm pointing to this mainly because I think Addiction explains some of B's behaviour,( though not all ).... Moving so quickly into a new relationship with an overlap of partners rather than taking proper space. Marrying someone he barely knows. He comes across as someone chasing a "high" to avoid feelings and introspection. He also gets to create a "good guy" narrative about himself and his past behavior with someone who can't challenge him, because she doesn't know him yet, nor you. Those are all typical addict behaviours, in my own experiences anyway. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 14, 2020 16:55:04 GMT
I’m sorry this is so painful. And really, it’s not possible to change all of those issues he had in such a short period of time. Add to that that avoidants are loathe to do the work because we don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s how you’re self loathing unfortunately by placing all the blame on yourself. The facts suggest otherwise. Objectively. Hang in there. Thanks Dhali.....you are correct....I was just using a very old mindset against myself. Thank you for that reminder and also the reminder that his issues won’t heal that fast. I used to keep cigarette butts to remind myself of this very fact as B had planned to quit smoking and had given them up for a bit....but then, when he got his new job, he started back up again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 14, 2020 17:05:45 GMT
Thanks serenity....I don’t think I was looking for a father figure. The issue is that i pick men based on possibilities versus reality. I tend to gloss over things I should take as red flags but I am so done with that. I just am having a bit of a hard time understanding how he could go from saying he wanted to take things slow to deciding to marry her in 8 months. The only story my mind can come up with is that she has helped him to overcome a lot of his issues and that he is now in a much better place emotionally and financially. I think pretty much most people in love gloss over their loved ones faults. Its kind of what Love is.. its choosing to understand, accept, and be close to someone, where they are at. Its the opposite of rejection and judgement. You are loving, and that's a beautiful quality. The " Redflag" thing is very personal. An awful lot of caring people get involved with sensitive people who drink or use drugs, due to their traumatic backgrounds. Its not usually until someone non-judgmental experiences a lot of pain from being with an addict, that they would set a hard boundary. I'm glad that you feel you will be more careful in future. I'm pointing to this mainly because I think Addiction explains some of B's behaviour,( though not all ).... Moving so quickly into a new relationship with an overlap of partners rather than taking proper space. Marrying someone he barely knows. He comes across as someone chasing a "high" to avoid feelings and introspection. He also gets to create a "good guy" narrative about himself and his past behavior with someone who can't challenge him, because she doesn't know him yet, nor you. Those are all typical addict behaviours, in my own experiences anyway. Thank you serenity....I agree with you....but....he did not overlap partners...B and I had been broken up for about 1.5 years....still....I get your point. He was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with as if that would solve all his internal issues with himself and his past...and it won’t. My previous therapist said that if marriage were the answer, there would be a lot more happy married people. On a different note....I spent a week sleeping on my sofa because my bedroom had too many memories of B and I wasn’t moving forward. I spoke to my therapist about this and she suggested I change the layout a bit, which I did...so I am back in my bedroom again. 🙂. I am making a bit of progress with moving away from personalizing everything and am gaining some insight into who I am versus who my mother has wanted me to be. It is freeing to explore me versus trying to live up to her expectations (which I could never do anyway...lol). I have decided that if she wants to hold onto an old picture of me...fine...I can’t change that....but I can change allowing it to impact how I feel about me. She can be disappointed in me...I will just continue to be me. |
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