Post by j on Mar 4, 2016 20:46:25 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I want to get right to my questions and forgo any lengthy stories so I will get right to it. I'm ADHD (default anxious/preoccupied) with years of therapy, medication and treatment under my belt and still moving in a forward direction. Life is good ( as good as it gets lol) while accepting I have still have some work ahead of me. The term "earned secure" is exactly what it feels like because it didn't always feel this way. In my past....I have attracted partners who fell right in line with being dismissive/avoidant because of my willingness and eagerness to go along and not assert my needs from fear of rejection or fear of losing my relationship. Being naive and easy to manipulate came directly from being abused and raised by a very Narcissistic father. My mother of course...was an anxious/preoccupied herself ( the perfect dysfunction!)
So now.....here I am again.... but with a complete different attitude but am finding myself navigating uncharted waters? My SO and I have been in counseling together and our therapist (PHD) who's foundation in therapy is based on attachment theory has recently identified my partner as dismissive. Dear lord....I must have a sign painted on my back or something! lol Much of the work that I am still working hard to overcome isn't so much about how I feel inside any more....but more to do with how I project outside to everyone else. It still feels funny at times to behave outwardly different than I have in the past....but much of that I have found are more just habits from old with no wind in the sails to back this up. Without the denial there to make me blind to things as much any more....it still takes time to see the things I didn't use to see and I see them ALL THE TIME NOW! LOL
Having said that....what I'm noticing now is that instead of acting from my previous insecurities (the preoccupied ones)....I'm now feeling pushed in the other direction and being more avoidant/dissmisive? now myself? My partners "push/pull" strategy can really keep you off balance unless your aware of this style. They tend to keep you off balance as their means to manipulate and control you and that much I am very familiar with from my past. This time....I ain't budging! Staying secure for someone like myself can take a lot of effort if you are paying attention to it but I have managed to do pretty good so far. I've even tested myself (several times) with some online tests just to see how I'm doing. The results I'm happy to say all indicate that I'm still holding the fort and staying pretty much on solid ground.( most of the time at least:)
So my question is about these uncharted waters and me seemingly....responding now by being more avoidant which is different (for me) as my response to my partners dismissive style. I can't really tell if she is dismissive/avoidant or if she's fearful/aviodant because she shares a lot of features of both and seems to be somewhere right in between (or both?)
What is different from my past relationships in that her low self esteem (which even she will admit to) isn't as much the problem as (the denial) and what she is blind too ....which she seems to cover both bases equally despite her low self esteem and I see this split clearly when she gets upset or especially when she drinks. When she drinks....the person who comes out at that time is clearly dismissive avoidant with all the classic features of Narcissism....otherwise....when personality (two) is not present....she more fearful avoidant on the surface but this is not what our therapist has indicated. This is a little confusing along with my noticing myself acting in more dismissive way myself each time she threatens to leave but then stays anyway which just appears as someone who is hopelessly confused all of the time and never knows what she wants?
I'm recognizing alixithymia as being one of the more difficult characteristics to manage. This circular nature and the push and pull syndrome are really getting old. The constant attempts to ambush me, test me and bait me into conflict with her..... is a tough one to deal without slipping and joining her especially when she triggers my old default (preoccupied) and that hits upon the rejection and her leaving threats which seems the only way she can get me to falter even if only temporarily.
Dear God what a mess. Any advise to ease her my way and get her out of denial. My patience is wearing thin and I'm getting tired of all the primitive defense mechanisms and child like behavior that follow suit. That along with the unrealistic expectations (implied ability to mind read on my part? lol ) and the seemingly complete inability for cause and effect thinking...... that, and the apparent confusion and unwillingness to look at herself without the child like tantrums and screaming "I hate you" when ever push comes to shove.
Any and all tips, advise and thoughts would be welcome and appreciated. Thanks.
J
I want to get right to my questions and forgo any lengthy stories so I will get right to it. I'm ADHD (default anxious/preoccupied) with years of therapy, medication and treatment under my belt and still moving in a forward direction. Life is good ( as good as it gets lol) while accepting I have still have some work ahead of me. The term "earned secure" is exactly what it feels like because it didn't always feel this way. In my past....I have attracted partners who fell right in line with being dismissive/avoidant because of my willingness and eagerness to go along and not assert my needs from fear of rejection or fear of losing my relationship. Being naive and easy to manipulate came directly from being abused and raised by a very Narcissistic father. My mother of course...was an anxious/preoccupied herself ( the perfect dysfunction!)
So now.....here I am again.... but with a complete different attitude but am finding myself navigating uncharted waters? My SO and I have been in counseling together and our therapist (PHD) who's foundation in therapy is based on attachment theory has recently identified my partner as dismissive. Dear lord....I must have a sign painted on my back or something! lol Much of the work that I am still working hard to overcome isn't so much about how I feel inside any more....but more to do with how I project outside to everyone else. It still feels funny at times to behave outwardly different than I have in the past....but much of that I have found are more just habits from old with no wind in the sails to back this up. Without the denial there to make me blind to things as much any more....it still takes time to see the things I didn't use to see and I see them ALL THE TIME NOW! LOL
Having said that....what I'm noticing now is that instead of acting from my previous insecurities (the preoccupied ones)....I'm now feeling pushed in the other direction and being more avoidant/dissmisive? now myself? My partners "push/pull" strategy can really keep you off balance unless your aware of this style. They tend to keep you off balance as their means to manipulate and control you and that much I am very familiar with from my past. This time....I ain't budging! Staying secure for someone like myself can take a lot of effort if you are paying attention to it but I have managed to do pretty good so far. I've even tested myself (several times) with some online tests just to see how I'm doing. The results I'm happy to say all indicate that I'm still holding the fort and staying pretty much on solid ground.( most of the time at least:)
So my question is about these uncharted waters and me seemingly....responding now by being more avoidant which is different (for me) as my response to my partners dismissive style. I can't really tell if she is dismissive/avoidant or if she's fearful/aviodant because she shares a lot of features of both and seems to be somewhere right in between (or both?)
What is different from my past relationships in that her low self esteem (which even she will admit to) isn't as much the problem as (the denial) and what she is blind too ....which she seems to cover both bases equally despite her low self esteem and I see this split clearly when she gets upset or especially when she drinks. When she drinks....the person who comes out at that time is clearly dismissive avoidant with all the classic features of Narcissism....otherwise....when personality (two) is not present....she more fearful avoidant on the surface but this is not what our therapist has indicated. This is a little confusing along with my noticing myself acting in more dismissive way myself each time she threatens to leave but then stays anyway which just appears as someone who is hopelessly confused all of the time and never knows what she wants?
I'm recognizing alixithymia as being one of the more difficult characteristics to manage. This circular nature and the push and pull syndrome are really getting old. The constant attempts to ambush me, test me and bait me into conflict with her..... is a tough one to deal without slipping and joining her especially when she triggers my old default (preoccupied) and that hits upon the rejection and her leaving threats which seems the only way she can get me to falter even if only temporarily.
Dear God what a mess. Any advise to ease her my way and get her out of denial. My patience is wearing thin and I'm getting tired of all the primitive defense mechanisms and child like behavior that follow suit. That along with the unrealistic expectations (implied ability to mind read on my part? lol ) and the seemingly complete inability for cause and effect thinking...... that, and the apparent confusion and unwillingness to look at herself without the child like tantrums and screaming "I hate you" when ever push comes to shove.
Any and all tips, advise and thoughts would be welcome and appreciated. Thanks.
J