wg
New Member
Posts: 2 
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Post by wg on Sept 13, 2017 17:01:08 GMT
I've become aware that my wife is DA. I'm not sure if I've always been AP, but certainly dealing with my wife I feel I've become that way if I wasn't before. I struggled for years trying to win my wife's affection by doing more and more at work and at home, all the while not fully understanding that she was unwilling or incapable of delivering the support I was looking for. As a result I suffered a tremendous amount of stress, anxiety and depression. I eventually started being more upfront about my expectations for emotional support and the result was she pushed away and suffered great anxiety at my requests for closeness. This pushing away caused me a lot of additional pain. After having done a lot of reading on the subject here and from other sources I now realize that she is DA and I have a better understanding of what she is going through when I express desire for emotional connection.
I also understand some things I can do to help me meet my need for emotional support and I have taken positive steps toward leading a more fulfilled life without a fulfilled relationship with her. The problem is, no matter what else I do to fill the void, even when I greatly enjoy some of the other things I've started to do, I still yearn for a fulfilling romantic relationship. I want to show love and be loved in return. I struggle to know how far I should put up with an unavailable partner. To the extent the problem is my insecurity, I feel that I need to do whatever I can to preserve a 14 year marriage for the sake of my three young kids. I constantly struggle to know if I'm asking for too much support, and constantly fear that if I ask for any support it will be met with intense feelings of rejection from my wife. I also struggle to know where I draw the line; at what point do you say enough and leave a person who cannot be supportive of a relationship? Although she has recently agreed to see a counselor herself, she refuses couple's therapy. I'm terrified of a divorce but I also feel trapped.
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Post by DearLover on Sept 15, 2017 16:44:31 GMT
Hi. I am sorry you are in this situation... I can only share my story:
I have been there with my FA ex husband. I managed 7 years marriage (plus 1.5 years dating prior) and it was very painful not only for me but for my daughter too. I wasn't happy and I couldn't be an ideal role model. I draw the line when I realised that my daughter was learning from us how to be in a dysfunctional relationship. I realised that she would never be a secure person if she had me as an example of how to be miserable in a marriage...I didn't want her to grow up thinking that she had to accept crumbs and disrespect...She still has her dad to deal with but as long as I am happy and healthy her chances of having better awareness, self love, self acceptance and creating better relationships for herself in the future are much more greater. She is only 10 and 3 years after the split she is happier, doing better at school and showing tremendous empathy not only for me and her dad but all around her. She understands why we separated and she knows that this was for the best. In fact she doesn't understand why I didn't leave sooner.
And her dad is also a better father now that he sees her less often, before he took her for granted...now he is more inclined to spend quality time with her.
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by soho on Nov 4, 2017 14:08:22 GMT
Good question!
My situation has a lot of similarities with wg's story. Even though it s always tricky to compare (my wife may be less severe DA), I (AP) think what I miss the most is to be genuinly loved. My wife loves me, but not enough (e.g. no intimacy).
I'm reading parts of No More Mr Nice Guy again, and I'm sure I can and should do better, but I am already more secure now thanks to my therapist. This has a positive impact on our relationship: fewer conflicts and more harmony. We have plenty of good moments. But the lack of intimacy and the indepedant lifestyle of my wife are giving me a constant level of "stress". I so hate this.
Recently I told my wife that I really had enough of this situation and needed it to change. She was shocked by my reaction and said she would do everything she could to improve the situation. But after a couple of days she said she was too tired to read or invest in the relationship (it clearly was no longer her priority), and today she said the worst thing for me to do would be to put any pressure on the relationship. WTF?
I anyway still hope I'll find a key to unlock this situation but the chances are limited. My therapist believes that when I'll be more secure I'll be able to focus more on my personal needs and he thinks it's likely I'll fall in love with another woman. And if that's not the case I'll probably look for a gentle way to leave this relationship.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 13, 2017 19:39:12 GMT
I wasn't married to my DA, but after 18 months of his neglectful behavior, my line was when he "couldn't" get back to me when I checked in on the morning we had a date. I knew he was in a bad mood that week, but I chose to do things differently, to stop babying him. So, when I sent him a text about making plans and he never got back to me, I knew that was my limit. In the past he would write back and say he was in a bad headspace, could we reschedule and I always said yes.
I contacted him the next day asking what happened and I got a seriously lame excuse. I think the line is drawn when we finally cannot carry their excuses any further. They cannot feel sorry for their actions. They feel shame. I asked him to show up for us and our 18 months of loving one another, but all I got was silence. Thats all I have gotten since, 7 weeks later.
Your line is when your heart cannot take anymore.
Your children will adapt, they always do. When parents take good care of themselves, children learn that healthy skill.
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Post by Jaeger on Nov 13, 2017 20:01:14 GMT
wg, your story sounds a lot like mine. 12 years for me, 3 kids, though I wasn't married. Something I would like to add for contemplation is that though I did all of the things you are describing and feel like I had the most reason to leave, I never gave up trying to make it work. What that got me in the end was her cheating on me with a coworker and being told that I put too much pressure on her and was being too needy. She eventually left me for her coworker.
Ever since that break, I've found that for most of those 12 years I had been walking on eggshells and that every aspect of my life has become better since things ended. And though it was (and always is) hard on the kids, they'll be better off with you happy than with you becoming a shadow of yourself for trying not to offend or pressure your wife with what most people consider to be basic human needs. I wish you all the best with your decision.
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