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Post by Helsbells on Jun 26, 2020 14:14:49 GMT
Hi all my friends been a little while since I wrote on here.
After being in an on off relationship with my unavailable ex partner I finally found the strenght the end it and block him on everything and asked him never ever to contact me again thru any means. As the weeks have gone by I often find myself thinking about him and miss him but I know in my heart that the relationship with him truly brings out the worst in me as i often felt, judged, not good enough, not attractive enough and not wanted.
He was always talking to lots off women and strangers that he constantly added on Instagram that made me feel crazily insecure so I would often become emotional and very reactive, and sometimes that wasn't pretty and made me feel a lot of shame afterwards. So basically I am being very realistic in knowing that a relationship with him is truly damaging me, well to both of us.
I met a guy about a month ago that lives on a boat in the marina I have been viewing possible boats to buy for myself. He invited me over to his boat one evening and cooked a beautiful dinner and we drank lots of wine together. I felt very at ease in his company and he was very attentive and open. I could tell he liked me more than I liked him and has been very forward in telling me how much he likes me in fact in told me he was falling in love with me.
He is the most caring and kindest man I have ever met in my life I truly mean that.
I'm not sure if this is my attachment playing out as there is no chase no unavailabilities that im struggling to desire him and can feel myself pushing him away.
I feel I manifested him into my life as he has all the qualities I have been desiring in a future partner. I am so much a priority to him and he can not do enough for me. He is talking about taking me away somewhere beautiful on the yatch for my birthday in August, and refers to everything as ours. I can feel myself going hot and cold with him and I can tell hes noticed.
I feel like I should be jumping for joy at meeting such a wonderful man but I'm not đȘđȘ and I so want to.
I want to feel the desire for him that I had for my ex as hes a good man
Now I dont know if this is my attachment playing out because I'm not having to chase him for love, or am I just not that attracted to him, am I genuinely not physically attracted to him, if he pulled away a bit would I desire him more. It's all so confusing and its making me very sad .
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Post by anne12 on Jun 26, 2020 15:22:13 GMT
How many times have you seen eachother ?
It sounds like it is too overwhelming for you. That he/you are moving too fast.
You do not know eachother yet.
Can you ask him to slow down ?
Can you accept that you are in doubt ?
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 26, 2020 16:05:41 GMT
How many times have you seen eachother ? It sounds like it is too overwhelming for you. That he/you are moving too fast. You do not know eachother yet. Can you ask him to slow down ? Can you accept that you are in doubt ? Anne we have seen lots of each other and its already intimate. Another behaviour of mine is going very fast, and jumping in feet first and over commiting to early. He is wanting to move very fast and is talking long term about plans for the two off us. I do want to give the relationship ago but realise very much the need to slow things right down to see how genuine my feelings are for him. I |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 26, 2020 20:28:23 GMT
Helsbells, you're describing a pretty typical FA reaction (and we've talked before about you have a lot of FA patterns but your FA ex brought out the anxious side in you). If you really want to try to give things a chance with this new guy, then you're going to have to work on your own security and triggers. If he's everything you want but you're just not feeling it, that is perfectly in line with attachment issues... it isn't about muscling through it and trying to force yourself to feel attraction, though. It's about communicating that you are working through some other stuff that has nothing to do with him and so want to get to know each other at a slower pace. Still see each other regularly (what would you prefer, once a week? Less, more?), and still put in some effort on your end, but not make it a whirlwind and work on strengthening yourself in your downtime / alone time. You're not going to feel attracted to him if he's not activating you if you're still not in a place of trust, acceptance, security and peace with yourself. And while you're definitely in a much better place with all that than you were a few months ago!!! The work sounds like it's still ongoing and you may not be ready to jump into a speedy, serious relationship yet. So communicate with him, don't tell him you're not feeling attracted but tell him you need to be true to yourself and slow it down, and what that speed looks like to you. And don't ruminate over why you're "not feeling it" with him ie don't nitpick him as a coping mechanism, just keep working on your own security. Maybe he's not the right one for you (which is totally okay, also!), but maybe no one available will be until you get further along in your own security. And making the decision to stay in it and work it out with someone when it's not feeling perfect can still be part of a healthy relationship. Going on auto pilot, he's perfect on paper and what I want but I'm not feeling it but not for any specific reason?  is generally attachment-related.
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 27, 2020 11:34:49 GMT
Helsbells, you're describing a pretty typical FA reaction (and we've talked before about you have a lot of FA patterns but your FA ex brought out the anxious side in you). If you really want to try to give things a chance with this new guy, then you're going to have to work on your own security and triggers. If he's everything you want but you're just not feeling it, that is perfectly in line with attachment issues... it isn't about muscling through it and trying to force yourself to feel attraction, though. It's about communicating that you are working through some other stuff that has nothing to do with him and so want to get to know each other at a slower pace. Still see each other regularly (what would you prefer, once a week? Less, more?), and still put in some effort on your end, but not make it a whirlwind and work on strengthening yourself in your downtime / alone time. You're not going to feel attracted to him if he's not activating you if you're still not in a place of trust, acceptance, security and peace with yourself. And while you're definitely in a much better place with all that than you were a few months ago!!! The work sounds like it's still ongoing and you may not be ready to jump into a speedy, serious relationship yet. So communicate with him, don't tell him you're not feeling attracted but tell him you need to be true to yourself and slow it down, and what that speed looks like to you. And don't ruminate over why you're "not feeling it" with him ie don't nitpick him as a coping mechanism, just keep working on your own security. Maybe he's not the right one for you (which is totally okay, also!), but maybe no one available will be until you get further along in your own security. And making the decision to stay in it and work it out with someone when it's not feeling perfect can still be part of a healthy relationship. Going on auto pilot, he's perfect on paper and what I want but I'm not feeling it but not for any specific reason? is generally attachment-related. Thank you so much alexandra for you wonderful reply. You are so right in all you say. I'm so confused about what a I want and dont want right now. I really need to start my inner healing work again as I can feel history just repeating itself all over again. The awareness I have now thanks to what I've learnt on this forum, is helping me ground myself and not over react, but I am experiencing alot of panic inside the fact that I have over committed to soon and given my new man the wrong impression. He says I'm what hes been waiting for all his life, and he never thought he would feel the way he feels about me with anyone. I am angry with myself for not behaving more secure and angry how this stuff is playing out in my life again even though I know better. Xx |
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Post by annieb on Jun 29, 2020 15:12:19 GMT
He doesnât know you from Adam and is also over committing. Both of you need to slam on the brakes and start taking things a bit slower. I canât count the men whoâve sworn love to me only to realize a week later I have an annoying (to them) habit of letting my hair air dry or work 11 hours a day on a regular or that I own a business and what that entails. He doesnât know your idiosyncrasies and is still in love with the idea of you. Not the real you with all your qualities. For me it would be kind of a turnoff. He should be giving you time to ârevealâ yourself before he swears undying love to your image. He is annoying and I can see how this is giving you a pause. I think all of this hesitancy needs to be communicated and if you are both successful in that, good things will come.
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Post by annieb on Jun 29, 2020 15:22:27 GMT
Ahhh, I re - read you post. Iâm getting uneasy love bombing vibes. Something is amiss. Ask him about his exes. And if any of them were âmanipulativeâ, âcrazyâ, âunstableâ, âtook advantageâ, âneedyâ, âcodependentâ, âdepressedâ...
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Post by alexandra on Jun 29, 2020 17:28:14 GMT
What annieb is saying is also definitely possible, but he's likely to show you his own emotional stability and availability in one way or another if you communicate you want to slow down. If he's idealizing you, it'll freak him out (might be hard for him to talk about, or over a short time after his words and actions won't match). If he's a mature and securish adult, he'll respect it, take you at your word, and slow things down while still staying present and available to you. If you really want a relationship, you have to have mutually complementary problem-solving skills and actually resolve things together. annieb's advice is really good in the early stages of getting to know someone, though. Those answers can be very telling about what patterns exist! |
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 29, 2020 18:03:31 GMT
Thanks ladies for responding. He told me he has mainly been in long term relationships but I really need to find out the quality of those relationships.
He is wanting me to Express my love back to him as he has told me so many times hes fallen madly in love with me.
I have told him that I feel we need to just take things more slowly and i am very fond of him.
I am finding being doted with so much attention a little of putting but I am trying not to react on those feelings and see how the relationship unfolds.
He is the most available man I have ever dated and being an avoidant mainly it sure is triggering me to act quite dismissive and put up walls.
I dont want to completely end things but I am definitely going to go at a pace that I am completely happy with.
I already worry about hurting him as he seems like a love sick puppy around me.
Gosh talk about one extreme to another đ€Șđ€Ș
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Post by alexandra on Jun 29, 2020 18:19:34 GMT
Helsbells, per what annieb was saying... have you ever dated an AP? Wanting to be in a rushed relationship is not the same as being available (or secure)... I'm not convinced he's actually available yet from what you've written.
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 30, 2020 9:13:02 GMT
Helsbells, per what annieb was saying... have you ever dated an AP? Wanting to be in a rushed relationship is not the same as being available (or secure)... I'm not convinced he's actually available yet from what you've written. , I have never dated an AP before I am wondering about his attachment style. There are a some red flags that are certainly starting to put me off him. I really dont know what to do. I am giving myself some space to think clearly. He dropped a real glanger the other day and told me he was bi sexual. I am still trying to process so much with him. God relationships arnt easy đȘ |
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Post by mrob on Jun 30, 2020 13:31:04 GMT
Ever wanted to see a woman run for the hills? Drop that little beauty. If the boot was on the other foot, you can bet he wouldnât bat an eyelid. Itâs not a judgement, Helsbells , itâs unfortunately a fact of life, and he has to know that. He already has chosen an alternative life, living on a boat. Thatâs just another thing you have to ask yourself if you can live with. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 30, 2020 20:38:19 GMT
If the boot was on the other foot, you can bet he wouldnât bat an eyelid. Maybe I'm not all here today, but mrob, could you explain this one? I get the dropping the bisexual thing. I've been in that situation before, and it was confusing/hard for me at first because it triggered my fear of abandonment and insecurities instead of what it was actually. Then I also realized that there are certain things I can't give a man, and that's ok. As you all know, I have huge cheating/comparison triggers from past stuff that really activate my fear of abandonment (but I'm working on it!!) and that was the hardest part for me to think of. If I felt more secure in all of that and in a communicative relationship, I personally discovered I could likely be ok if this person wanted to explore and get their sexual-only needs met somewhere else. The attraction to, etc, didn't bother me at all, it was the feeling unimportant, replaced, abandoned stuff. Everyone's different, but that's just my perspective.  While I would never ever tell someone else what I think their sexuality is, in this case, I actually think it was mostly due to FA deactivation and him not being able to explain the back and forth attraction / lack of attraction and decrease in sexual interest during those times. I don't want to get into details, but that was my guess. , I am in work but had a quick chance to read but not reply. I find your comment very interesting and will reply soon x |
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Post by Helsbells on Jun 30, 2020 20:45:08 GMT
Ever wanted to see a woman run for the hills? Drop that little beauty. If the boot was on the other foot, you can bet he wouldnât bat an eyelid. Itâs not a judgement, Helsbells , itâs unfortunately a fact of life, and he has to know that. He already has chosen an alternative life, living on a boat. Thatâs just another thing you have to ask yourself if you can live with. #mrob I always appear to attract a person with an alternative lifestyle but this one has thrown me. He is 58 but has the sex drive of a 20yr old. My fear would be what if I want to calm things down sexually a little would he remain faithful. He is a nice man but is horny all the time, gosh the complete opposite from my ex. I should be flattered after 2.5yrs off feeling rejected but its leaving a bad taste in my mouth. One extreme to another. He kept pushing me to tell him I loved him the other day and acted very needy. It made me run home to my house to calm my self down. It's so confusing because aside from all his over attention on me hes actually a truly great guy đ€Ż |
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is generally attachment-related.