Yes, I know. I'm sorta kicking myself for not catching this about him with all of my knowledge. His attachment issues are much more subtle than others I've dated. I didn't realize he had them and he was from so long ago for me...I've learned a lot since then. And when he returned, his message was not about him. He made it about me and took responsibility. I saw change, and I still think he has, but not enough. This is why I engaged, but I would not have had I already attributed attachment issues to his behavior. Even now, we aren't in contact anymore, so my triggers come and go. There is DEFINITELY no visibility on social media or anywhere else.
alice, if it makes you feel any better, I joke about how there are a few insecurely attached people in my life "grandfathered in." Exes I got close to long ago while AP who I will put up with acting out their attachment issues much more than I would with new people or even possibly insecure attachers I was never romantically involved with. At this point, if they are showing boundary issues I may call them out depending on what it is or I may distance until they inevitable re-regulate later since I have no intention of falling into cycles, but it is still behavior I'd not put up with at all if we didn't have a long-standing connection (and I hadn't made the choice to accept that they don't change and they are who they are, that was my decision).
alexandra I don't know how you do it. I never thought I'd fall back into anything with him, and it makes me angry at him for doing this. Plus, as I've told the story, he flipped it around on me ("oh did you think this was romantic???"). It was so denigrating. Though he didn't lie (this time) exactly about facts as he stated them, he lied about his intentions. He knew he was looking for a romantic connection (not necessarily anything serious) when he started but he pretended he wasn't. I refuse to accept anyone like that in my life.
alice, honestly, I'm noticing that these people have been self-selecting out and we've been growing more and more distance since the pandemic started. Because when they reached out it was for full-on validation that I no longer provide (though I used to when AP). Ie looking for external ego boost regulation during a stressful time. So without that, and with my being a lack of drama now, it works itself out. But I'd still be supportive of them if they actually needed help (within reason) because something bad had happened.
But, the only way to do it is with your own strong boundaries, no matter what they say or do, so that their issues don't impact your own well being. And, I guess, really having no hope of any romantic outcome because you understand they'll never be good partners.