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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 5, 2020 20:48:40 GMT
I’m really trying to understand where my insecure attachment side comes from.
I always thought my parents and childhood were great. I still think my parents are great but they are not perfect. I’m starting to remember things I never really though about.
Where I come from is pretty common that parents punch their kids to educate them. My mother physically punished me and my sister two times (that I remember) when we were kids because we were fighting. Although I didn’t get punched many times I remember always being afraid of getting physically punished in case I behaved bad.
I remember being being physically punished by my aunt (my mother’s sister’s) sometimes when I wanted to be carried after having to take very long walks. I was maybe 3 years old. Of course I did got tired if I had to walk so long distances.
My dad was sometimes irritated when he had to teach me homework and I did the exercises wrong. I remember becoming a top student when I got a little bit older and didn’t need his help anymore.
My biggest childhood “trauma” was being molested by two close relatives. I never told my parents or friends about that. I don’t blame my parents because they could not know what happened but I think if we were more close to each other emotionally or if I trust them enough I might would be brave and open to talk to them when I was a kid and even now as an adult.
I remember my mother saying things like “I will take the first plan and disappear” when she was stressed. She didn’t mean it but as a small kid I didn’t understand that. The only way to make she stays was to behave well and don’t disturb too much.
As a teenager I also had to behave well. A lot of shame and guilt around sex. I waited to marriage to have sex for first time. I was afraid my parents would be disappointed at me if I wasn’t a good christian girl. Sometimes I’m very afraid of becoming a mother and I think it’s because how much my mother scared me about what would happen to me if I get pregnant as a teenager.
Could those be some reasons why I have some FA tendencies?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 5, 2020 21:51:12 GMT
Oh no mixedsyles, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. While it's more common for attachment to develop in response to patterns from parents, insecure attachment can be influenced by any adult caretakers, other family members, traumatic events. It sounds like you had some fear growing up, but even without that, yes, being molested on its own, especially multiple times, could absolutely have resulted in development of FA to cope. That's a big deal for you to have gone through, especially if you didn't feel safe talking to anyone about it. Had you ever sought any therapy for it later on? |
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Post by amber on Jul 5, 2020 22:26:32 GMT
I’m really trying to understand where my insecure attachment side comes from. I always thought my parents and childhood were great. I still think my parents are great but they are not perfect. I’m starting to remember things I never really though about. Where I come from is pretty common that parents punch their kids to educate them. My mother physically punished me and my sister two times (that I remember) when we were kids because we were fighting. Although I didn’t get punched many times I remember always being afraid of getting physically punished in case I behaved bad. I remember being being physically punished by my aunt (my mother’s sister’s) sometimes when I wanted to be carried after having to take very long walks. I was maybe 3 years old. Of course I did got tired if I had to walk so long distances. My dad was sometimes irritated when he had to teach me homework and I did the exercises wrong. I remember becoming a top student when I got a little bit older and didn’t need his help anymore. My biggest childhood “trauma” was being molested by two close relatives. I never told my parents or friends about that. I don’t blame my parents because they could not know what happened but I think if we were more close to each other emotionally or if I trust them enough I might would be brave and open to talk to them when I was a kid and even now as an adult. I remember my mother saying things like “I will take the first plan and disappear” when she was stressed. She didn’t mean it but as a small kid I didn’t understand that. The only way to make she stays was to behave well and don’t disturb too much. As a teenager I also had to behave well. A lot of shame and guilt around sex. I waited to marriage to have sex for first time. I was afraid my parents would be disappointed at me if I wasn’t a good christian girl. Sometimes I’m very afraid of becoming a mother and I think it’s because how much my mother scared me about what would happen to me if I get pregnant as a teenager. Could those be some reasons why I have some FA tendencies? All of these examples you give would most definelty contribute to you developing insecure attachment. Events like that are traumatic to a child and physical violence puts your system into fight/flight/freeze mode and you can easily stay stuck in that for the rest of your life, or come in and out of it, or expect that/be afraid that will happen again so always be bracing for pain or violence. Children are very very sensitive to even the slightest of misattunment from caregivers and it definelty is damaging to your sense of self |
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 5:22:29 GMT
Oh no mixedsyles, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. While it's more common for attachment to develop in response to patterns from parents, insecure attachment can be influenced by any adult caretakers, other family members, traumatic events. It sounds like you had some fear growing up, but even without that, yes, being molested on its own, especially multiple times, could absolutely have resulted in development of FA to cope. That's a big deal for you to have gone through, especially if you didn't feel safe talking to anyone about it. Had you ever sought any therapy for it later on? I haven’t been in therapy because I never thought I needed that. But maybe I should. I read that children who have been sexually abused sometimes become promiscuous or having problems having sex or physicall intimacy. I never had those problems but when I think about my relationships sex I was the “biggest” problem in all of them. I was liked it all and wanted it more than my partners. I felt really sad and rejected when they didn’t want to be intimate with me. When I was dating a DA he said “Seems like the one thing you wants from me is using me for sex”. SA ex husband “Sex isn’t the most important in a relationship”. My now pretty secure partner after some months together have been acting like my ex-husband. He doesn’t want to have sex as often as before witch makes me sad but I everything else is nice so I feel safe. The DA guy really triggered me. He pretty much shamed my sexuality and made me feel guilty about it. Being with someone who withdraw physically and emotionally was a challenge. Maybe it did brought some childhood trauma and my FA side. I felt physically punished when he would withdrew from sex and emotionally neglected when he refused to talk. In the moment of the conflict I would act anxious but later avoidant. He felt used by me to sex when I stopped caring about the “emotionall connexion” and just focused on the physical. I felt used by him when he would withdraw after deep emotionall and body connection. I had some freeze response under sex a few times in life. It was when I was hurt by something my partner did and wish we would talk more about the problem. I didn’t say no to “make up” sex but it didn’t felt like I was in my body either. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 6, 2020 7:37:14 GMT
mixedsyles If we have been raised with 30 % secure, attuned parenting or more, our main attatchmentstyle will become secure. The other things you are describing can push you into some of the other 3 attatchmentstyles and also give you chok trauma, which can look like/push you more into some desorganised behavior Our brain can't remember what happend to us before we were 2/3 years old. We can also have some in utero trauma. Your mother threating to leave, even if she didn't do it can push you into some ap or even fa. If she was often stressed or overly worried your own nerveussystem gets affected by her nerveussystem state. Also being made wrong can create shame. Collective shadows can also create shame in us. "Being a good Christian girl" - what does that even mean ? Sorry you've got molested. Having make up sex when you don't want to, is overriding your own boundaries. If you've got some desorganised attatchmentstyle, you can be in doubt that your boundaries are okay or sometimes you can't even feel your boundaries because you have dessociated. As women our pelvic floor ect is something we have to take good care of. Even a pelvic exam or having sex before you are ready can give you some contracted tissue down there. You don't have to become premicious ect Everything is on a spectrum You can work with your freeze responce in SE therapy. Some SE therapists are specialised in sexual assult. Also working with an attatchment/SE therapist in general can be helpful. Good for you, that you have a secure partner.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 6, 2020 9:40:34 GMT
mixedsyles Also our collective shadow can be powerfull. Collective shadows can also create shame in us. "Being a good Christian girl" - what does that even mean ? Who were women before christianity was introduced (which by the way was introduced by men) ? Whiches, bitches, whores or just women being fully in contact with their inner Divine feminine powerfull self ?
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 9:47:41 GMT
mixedsyles Also our collective shadow can be powerfull. Collective shadows can also create shame in us. "Being a good Christian girl" - what does that even mean ? Who were woman before christiaty (which by the way was introduced by men) ? Whiches, bitches, hores or ? I come from a traditional, christian and conservative family. Being a good christian girl mean: not being “promiscuous”, no drinking, no cigarettes, no drugs, having good friends, behaving well at school and at home and etc. I don’t see myself as a christian anymore but I sure have some shame and guilt around this still. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 6, 2020 10:03:17 GMT
mixedsyles Thank you for explaining it further. Can you tell me what "not being promiscuous" means if you've got traditional concervative (American) christian glasses on ? My guess is that you are American but I could be wrong.
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 10:16:17 GMT
mixedsyles Can you tell me what "not being promiscuous" means if you've got traditional concervative (American) christian glasses on ? Sex only after marriage, no dating a lot of guys. No sexy clothes. Wife-material... I don’t agree with those things but that is how I was educated. |
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 10:16:52 GMT
🌼
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 10:24:07 GMT
🌸
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 10:29:23 GMT
🌸
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Post by mixedsyles on Jul 6, 2020 10:39:38 GMT
🌼
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