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Post by cricket on Sept 14, 2017 21:29:36 GMT
I have always been mystified by people who can carry on seeing someone for months and yet know their feelings only go so deep. I can't imagine spending a significant amount of time and building a bond with someone that I only had Luke warm feelings or that I new I wasn't trying to have something long term w. I can see dating under a month and u Move on But I see people spend months or years with each other and one person knows they don't want it to last forever. Is it my AP style or my introvertedness that makes me like this?
Am I the only one that feels this way?
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 15, 2017 19:10:27 GMT
I'm an ap that has recently gotten into something most people would call causal or just weird. Seeing a great guy, very attractive, very emotionally available, very much wants to look out for me and see me happy. We have fun together, he helps me with my goals, sex is amazing, he took care of me while I was sick. But... there is just no romantic interest. He wants kids, i don't, he wants to settle down and leave the big city life someday, i don't, he is kinda dramatic for me, a bit pushy at times, I'm a scientist and very pragmatic, he believes he actually has magical powers, I have a very defined set of moral values, he wants to use a spy cam to record his hookups without their knowledge. As friends and even more it all works but we aren't compatible as a couple so we enjoy what we can of each other. Right now I'm not ready for a relationship anyways but eventually I will have to evaluate whether the situation makes me emotionally unavailable to potential partners but for right now the situation makes me happy.
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Post by cricket on Sept 15, 2017 19:58:50 GMT
Hhmm..and do you get involved casually with people often? I
I do find when I am w someone more AP than me I turn into somewhat AD. Do you think you are involved w him because he's safe and you know nothing can come of it? I mean I think at the core of it AP's are just as scared to have a real intimate close relationship too that's why we are always picking partners that will run from us.
Is he on the same page as you or do u suspect he wants more?
Thank you for replying.
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 15, 2017 20:52:09 GMT
I think he feels a more strongly for me than I do for him but this is deff a unique experience for me. I get the feeling that the only real deal breakers for him are that I don't want kids and I don't want to stop partying for the foreseeable future. He has also expressed some concerns over my lack of empathy for some of the other guys We have sexual relationships with together.
Part of it may be San Francisco culture, I have developed feelings for a few men that for one reason or another I feel I couldn't make a relationship work with and so continue to see them as friends with benefits but not anything like this. I see this guy most days except when his work schedule makes that unlikely, another deal breaker for me is he works night shift (I learned with my da ex that had a horribly irregular sleep cycle that I really need someone that is actually conscious to have a relationship with them), we talk about being in each other's lives forever and it's not just lip service for me.
I oddly feel a great deal of security in the relationship. Because we are not romantic we don't engage in Some of the risks inherent in a romantic relationship, any romance can end and while some are good at staying friends after it's always risky. We are like best friends that you know will always be in contact and attached but there is more to it than that.
I do suspect he is AP as well as he desperately wants love and children and I believe he thinks he will be incomplete without them. He already seems to use me to regulate his emotions. He talks about not liking being away from me and being grateful I'm not tired of him. It might make me a little avoidant, I find I have trouble talking about my feelings with him and he seems to have to pry stories out of me that ordinarily just flow from normal conversation with friends or love interests. He also has a very large and somewhat dominating personality, so it may just be some intimidation and fear, I deff use to fear losing the relationship and what it provided me if I upset him, but I think those feelings have subsided.
All in all I don't feel smothered. I'm getting companionship, sex, friendship, a free personal trainer, and a lot of encouragement out of the situation and I do legitimately like being with him, he makes me laugh, stimulates me intellectually at times, and I like being cute and couply with him in public. I don't try to hid our oddly couplish behavior although I do try to be clear with people that we aren't dating so as to not ward off potential partners when I am ready for a relationship. That said I only do that when asked, I don't volunteer it out of no where despite it being a perfectly reasonable assumption that we are together given how we behave.
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Post by cricket on Sept 15, 2017 21:37:24 GMT
Thank you for sharing. It does sound like he is more on the AP side. And so it doesn't bother u that you already know at some point it will end and that your feelings only go so deep for him? Are you using this experience as kind of a filler until you meet someone you want to be in a relationship with?
He sounds very nice and respectful of you. Why don't we ever like the respectful guys , haha.
So maybe it is just me. I'm a weirdo. My sis lived w a guy that she knew her feelings weren't going in that direction and his were. I said How can you do That? She said- sometimes that's just how life is sister. Lol I guess I am just overly analytical about why I am spending time someone or something. Uughh
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Post by gaynxious on Sept 15, 2017 21:54:17 GMT
I guess it bothers me that we aren't compatible. If he didn't want kids, didn't work night shift, and didn't want to do things like the recordings I mentioned I'd be open to seeing if things could be romantic. But I'm not bothered at him for not being what I want like I was with my DA ex. I don't know that things will end is the thing. Things will change hopefully, in that hopefully each of us will find partners that we are compatible with and we hope can tolerate us still being a part of each pther's lives (possibly a tall order but in SFits more possible than you might think). We'll likely always be friends and hopefully gym buddies until one of us moves and even then I think we would keep in touch. We have told each other not to pass over love for the other but we also have said we wouldn't just cut the other out of our lives for anyone. Hopefully these are promises we can keep.
I guess I just view it as,we really like each other but it won't work so why not enjoy each other however we can? At least for now itworksand hopefully asthings change in our lives no one gets hurt. Maybe it's naive but I think we both will be happier for the experience even if it does somehow end in some unpleasant way.
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