I am back from the beach....

I actually got back last Sunday but needed to process some stuff and was in a deep avoidant space so I honored that.  The trip with my mom wasn’t horrible, in fact she apologized for not being the best mom but added that I had interpreted what she wanted from me incorrectly.....she never explained what she wanted....i actually was the one who switched topics because I did not want to go down a rabbit hole that I knew I was not emotionally prepared for.  We talked about my dad and she stated that my ex step mother was not his first affair...that he had an affair with a grad student of his and my parents had a long time of separating and reconciliation before the divorce.  I don’t remember any of it.  The trip itself was for the most part amazing.  It was the first time that I did not break down into tears several times, I felt the most mature I have ever been and I had a lovely time most of the time.  There was “drama”....my nieces, especially the younger one who is 9, would have tantrums because of something her older sister did.  She also managed to hurt her foot.  My mom would tell me how spoiled she felt the girls were, how my brother would get defensive if anyone else reprimanded his daughters, how she viewed their temper tantrums as ruining important  times...like celebrating my step fathers 65th birthday. I will admit I did reprimand her once, I told her she was being mean to her sister at a put put game and she broke out in tears and would not finish the game....my brother was not happy in the moment sine he had to address it, but by the next day, he and I were fine and things were back to ok with my niece.  She is after all, only 9.  Other then that, it was a general sense from my mom and step father of just being annoyed a lot...like they expected things to be a certain way and they were not.  I did get time away...I had lovely walks on the beach collecting shells and also collecting garbage (probably collected 3 pounds that week).  And I missed B.....ohhhhhh...did I miss him.  I wanted someone on my side, I wanted to snuggle in his arms, I wanted to focus on his blue eyes and listen to his heart....and I just let myself have those moments until they passed.  My therapist asked if I miss him or the concept of him and I miss both.  Perhaps I have never fully allowed myself to grieve any broken relationship....but B feels different....like there is this true loss of something that was so important and lovely. I don’t really look at him as the one that got away....I feel this is deeper....closer to the bone...mirroring a loss in my family unit and the notion of safety that comes with it.   In some ways, this is very healing because I finally get to process the divorce and feelings of loss through the loss of B...but it hurts so much that I can only digest it in chunks.  I am not good with loss, I am not going with moving on....but it is understandable....so I just let myself have moments where I cry and grieve “what could never be” in hopes that I will see things clearer and make wiser choices in the future.