DA - Thought process

shamy, love and commitment is an active choice and a deliberate decision for someone to make. It will depend on how far on the insecure spectrum he is, how much responsibility he takes for his own life versus avoiding and "letting things happen to him." You have no control over that and it depends on where he is in his process and if he's truly getting more secure or if he's just good at being present and connected when there's no stress. It also depends on how much he wants to make his family happy and how hard they're pushing the arrangement.

What concerns me and makes me think he's not secure enough is you needing to ask this question here. That means you two aren't communicating with each other clearly and effectively enough to talk out this significant issue, and you're perhaps trying to mind-read to plan for future scenarios, trying to find a way to influence this in the direction you want it to go (you can't, you can only tell him exactly and honestly what you want and let him respond however he responds), trying to protect yourself whether through perception of knowledge about DA patterns or leaving before you get rejected even though you really just want him to choose you. Either way, you're looking to have more control of a situation that may be making you feel powerless.

I don't know what he'll decide, but if you are unable to talk through this with him in a way that doesn't make you feel he still may have one foot out the door, you should still consider what kind of foundation that makes for a marriage. People don't change just because there's a new label (ie married), they still are who they are and will act similarly to how they did before.

shamy
Can I ask what is your nationality / your DA partners nationality ?

So he dosent want to commit to you, but he is 
going to get married to a stranger in an arranged marriage or ?

Thanks alexandra.

About therapy, I feel he would be open to it. Infact he takes any suggestions or inputs positively if expressed in the right tone and at the right time.

The fact that he chose to open up about his childhood and his insecurities with me on his own and that he finds it safe to cry and share his feelings and frustrations with me, even if its a small thing, makes me feel good. Because that is something he does not do with anybody else.

He is a friendly social person. But his interactions and associations with other people don't happen at a deeper level.
He finds it comfortable and voluntarily talks about what he wishes to achieve, what he feels he lacks in himself and how does he feel about his emotions.

For now, I am just having positive good conversations with him and avoiding any tough/deep questions about relationship. In a month from now, he would anyways be making a decision.

What according to your experience can be considered as a positive step from a DA if he is actually commited to making a relationship work?

shamy

Thank you for sharing your cultural background! 

What does the word commitment means to you ?
Did all this come up because you wanted to "commit" or is it because his family is giving him an ultimatum about getting into an arranged marriage or ? Does his family know about you ?

You write:

"The fact that he chose to open up about his childhood and his insecurities with me on his own and that he finds it safe to cry and share his feelings and frustrations with me, even if its a small thing, makes me feel good. Because that is something he does not do with anybody else.

He is a friendly social person. But his interactions and associations with other people don't happen at a deeper level.
He finds it comfortable and voluntarily talks about what he wishes to achieve, what he feels he lacks in himself and how does he feel about his emotions."...

Maybe he is not only avoidant but a mix, sinse he is able to open up like that. Experiencing an avoidant partner crying Infront of you is rare ...imo...(when they are loosing something / someone who's important to them they can be cracked open though). It deffently sounds like he is under a lot of stress.
When we are under a lot of stress our brain dosent function properly.
Expecially people with some desorganised attatchment style can get totally confused when too many (major) things is happing in their lives at the same time.

How is he normally ? Under your one year relationship ?
How much have you seen eachother during the first year of your relationship ?

Since you don't know if you and your partner want's to be together it's a little tricky....

This is a suggestion from an attatchment/SE attatchment/couples therapist/teacher on how you can invite your partner to talk about attatchment theory/traits.

It is recommended that you invite your partner to have a conversation when you have kind of agreed on that you want to see where this relationship leads you.

Just wanted to let you know how it can be done:

There can be different approaches wether you are talkning to an ambivalent, avoidant, disorganised or secure partner.

You can invite your partner to
talk about how you are each characterized by the 4 attachment patterns
Investigate whether it can give rise to new ways of speaking and behaving toward one another - if not a greater and deeper understanding and compassion for each other and each of you.

You can suggest to your partner, that you and your partner together take a look at a list of the different traits for each attachment style.

Remember it is just an invitation.

It's a suggestion - just as if you tell your partner, that you have never tasted lobster and you then suggest, that you and your partner visit a lobster restaurant, so that you can taste lobster together.

You can do this when you have been together around two months or longer - when you have kind of agreed on that you want to see where this relationship leads you.

Tell your partner which traits you can recognize in yourself and ask your partner if there are any of the traits your partner can recognize in himself/herself. Remember we often have traits from several different attachment styles - also from the secure attachment style.

DON'TS:
Avoid telling your partner what you think he / she is. Let him / her tell you herself/himself. Don't say: "oh I think you are like this or that", "this trait fits your personality" ect.
It's an invitation to talk!!!!
NOT an opportunity to "diagnose" your partner.
Otherwise, you may cross your partners boundaries and you can come of as being intimidating , controlling ect

Some traits: (do not show you partner the healing threads) It can also be a bad idea to ask / tell your partner to take a test. Remember to be gentle.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetests

An attatchment/SE/couples therapist/teacher