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Post by lonewolf on Jul 23, 2020 20:03:02 GMT
I started dating again about a month ago, unfortunately I am not feeling good about how things are going right now.
I have found myself playing "the therapist" multiple times.
(At this point the dating is all online, so chatting/calls.)
I have made a big effort to be receptive and centered in my feminine energy when I meet men. But. I feel like this has somehow backfired.
After a few conversations, guys are telling me intimate things about themselves. Life stories. Child abuse. Relationship patterns.
It like by opening up to them, they respond by pouring it out on me. I usually just listen. I'm not going to reject someone in the middle of them opening up to me. But I make a mental note, that this is moving too fast. And I rarely feel polarity in the relationship anymore. Now I feel like his therapist. At best, just friends. (I am that person whose friends go to them for advice, too.)
One guy told me the next day after our conversation he felt cleansed, like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He realized he had repressed a lot of emotions and thanked me. Then he said he wasn't ready to date, but would like to keep talking. I confess my ego was bruised by that. I ended the relationship.
I have worked really hard on my personal growth but I am somehow projecting that? I don't want to have this kind of relationship with these men. I want to be cherished.
How can I break out of this pattern? Has anyone else experienced this?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 23, 2020 20:51:35 GMT
lonewolf, this isn't anything you are doing persay, it's a combination of who you are choosing to get to know and that the online dating pool overindexes in people with insecure attachment styles to begin with (more insecure styles are represented there than the overall population because as we get older it's more likely that those secure who wanted to be in committed relationships already found them). Anyone oversharing that quickly was insecure to begin with, so they're at least showing you really early that they have boundary issues and you can move on to the next. From that perspective, it becomes a numbers game and you're actually doing the right thing (moving forward once someone shows you they have an insecure style since it's not what you're looking for). The guy who isn't ready to date didn't do anything insulting or personal. That's commendable on his part that he recognized he's not ready, actually, and hopefully now will be taking time to work on his issues. Very respectful towards you. But you're also right to not hang around as a "friend" when you barely know him and aren't his therapist! As long as you have your own good boundaries, and move on instead of sticking around to play therapist, you'll eventually get to what you're looking for. It just may take a while because of the distribution of guys skewing more towards insecure than secure online.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2020 23:50:43 GMT
i have! i feel like i've been a free therapist to alot of people who don't appreciate and cherish me for it, and i came away with alot of scars. they, of course, want to be friends but they actually don't really appreciate, treasure and protect me as a friend, so I've gotten very careful around expecting true friendships based on bonding over traumas.
Alexandra is right of course, as always, though you can't change them, only yourself. My current philosophy is that if i'm not paid to fix or listen, you can choose to tell me but I have no response, so i don't "open" the floodgates. I kinda had to go the other way to reach a nice middle where i can manage it better.
My own reflection was that my problem is i am/was also someone who don't have alot of boundaries and don't really think it's a big deal to talk about past traumas so people feel very comfortable telling me these things when they don't have alot of friends/boundaries. I think the question is what are you doing when you are "opening up" to them? how do you do that? perhaps you are too "open" and "receptive" and so that needs some tuning to reach a good spot for you. When you are receptive and centered, alot of things are attracted to you, particularly things that are not, and it's new practice to be able to "manage" what you want coming your way.
also, i don't think that them opening up to you is necessarily a bad thing, I think it's how they open up to you that determine whether or not it's a problem. I appreciate it when people tell me things about themselves because, even when insecure, it's a courageous thing to talk about these things and also because it's informative (relationship patterns and how they are striving to change that is a huge thing!). it's just part of their narratives and life stories - what would concern me is how they react to these things. Are they striving to be better, have they made changes, what kind of narrative do they have around their past traumas? I've once chatted with a dude who was separated recently, told me all about it which was fine with me, but what killed it was that he was so aggressive in "pursuing" me when he didn't really ask too much about me or got to know me, which made me think i'm just an entertaining rebound.
lastly, i think if you want to be cherished, you should have a long hard think/feel about what that means (to you) and what that would look like to you, and you have to be ready to give that back to your chosen partner (and to yourself). Perhaps these people also just want to be cherished, warts and all, and this is how they've chosen to do it. Clearly, it doesn't sit well with you, which is totally fine; this is information that you can use to decide what WILL sit well with you. what would it take for you to cherish that person and be cherished back, and then start finding people who "fit" that better!
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Post by annieb on Jul 24, 2020 2:47:53 GMT
If I had to pinpoint why that is, having been a therapist to many as well over the years then it was because I purposefully (and most of the time unconsciously) created this dynamic so that I could once again keep the focus on them and not on me. Keep the focus on the other. Today I do not fall into that pattern anymore (Knock on wood) and I’m instead comfortable with that relationship going radio silent and dying off. I do not make myself needed for validation. And I do not create space for someone else to take up in me, unless they are a trusted friend of many years or a family member, and if they are a new friend I want to get to know, etc., then I make the time for them, but it’s not a one sided relationship by any means or it is over. Whenever I give my time to someone it is because I want to and I enjoy it. Or it’s for my job, where I’m compensated for it.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 24, 2020 2:53:11 GMT
I do not make myself needed for validation. This 💯 What you said overall is good too, but if someone wants to filter out a large portion of insecurely attached prospective partners quickly (and grow out of the insecure attachment attracts other insecure attachment), this is a terrific way to do it. |
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AM
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Post by AM on Jul 24, 2020 3:47:38 GMT
I started dating again about a month ago, unfortunately I am not feeling good about how things are going right now.
I have found myself playing "the therapist" multiple times.
(At this point the dating is all online, so chatting/calls.)
I have made a big effort to be receptive and centered in my feminine energy when I meet men. But. I feel like this has somehow backfired.
After a few conversations, guys are telling me intimate things about themselves. Life stories. Child abuse. Relationship patterns.
It like by opening up to them, they respond by pouring it out on me. I usually just listen. I'm not going to reject someone in the middle of them opening up to me. But I make a mental note, that this is moving too fast. And I rarely feel polarity in the relationship anymore. Now I feel like his therapist. At best, just friends. (I am that person whose friends go to them for advice, too.)
One guy told me the next day after our conversation he felt cleansed, like a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He realized he had repressed a lot of emotions and thanked me. Then he said he wasn't ready to date, but would like to keep talking. I confess my ego was bruised by that. I ended the relationship.
I have worked really hard on my personal growth but I am somehow projecting that? I don't want to have this kind of relationship with these men. I want to be cherished.
How can I break out of this pattern? Has anyone else experienced this?
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AM
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Post by AM on Jul 24, 2020 4:09:30 GMT
I empathize with you and commiserate with you. I too have 'played' therapist, mentor and teacher. The vast majority of the middle aged and above dating pool is Insecure. I am in my mid-fifties and the odds of coming across an available Secure like my self, let alone having companionable and compatible traits and mutual attraction is extremely slim, maybe 1 to 3 in 100 of my age group singles, and I've come to terms with that fact of life. I enjoy my Secure connections with family and friends and keep myself open to new experiences in life. I do what I am able to offer loving kindness to Insecure types, however I choose to love myself 1st, guarding and valuing my truly golden qualities. While landing a Secure is a great route for attachment healing for them, Insecure attachment types truly benefit from professionals better and more quickly, and the self sacrificial road with them is a direction I am not willing to risk. Been there, done that, and my peace and happiness in this life is also important. Good luck and there is hope for us older Secures and selling ourselves short is not an option  You will continue to date Insecure types, it's just the numbers and odds at this point. Please don't get disheartened, life is too short and there is so much to life as a whole and other attachment relationships that can fill in some gaps while we continue to grow! |
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Post by mrob on Jul 24, 2020 5:03:43 GMT
I had one woman tell me She wasn’t there to validate me once, when I was reasonably new on this board and I thought it was harsh! You’re entirely right, though.
I will make the point again, though, that men’s relationships with other men aren’t anything like women’s relationships. I grew up with women and saw that as the norm, then went into a male dominated world at work and really struggled. I was told things like “You have to grow a thick skin” and such. So, while all this talk about dumping and excessive emotional labour is perfectly valid, there is another side to it which may not have an attachment meaning.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 24, 2020 6:58:16 GMT
I had one woman tell me She wasn’t there to validate me once, when I was reasonably new on this board and I thought it was harsh! You’re entirely right, though. Oof, I don't think that's what not making yourself needed for validation means. That was harsh of her to say! I was looking at it as, if a potential new partner is often validation-seeking to prop up their own ego, that's a big sign of attachment issues, and you simply refusing to do that in your actions will turn them off. They'll look for someone else to do it for them instead. Not being mean and confronting them about it, especially when it's someone you also may not know yet! I agree that there's some cultural and gender biases, though. And I think what you're saying, mrob, is a guy opening up like that may be because society doesn't give him any other place to do that? But I still think someone doing it too soon, especially because they're validation-seeking, is a boundary issue-related red flag. It's okay to work up to, once you know you can trust each other a bit. |
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You will continue to date Insecure types, it's just the numbers and odds at this point. Please don't get disheartened, life is too short and there is so much to life as a whole and other attachment relationships that can fill in some gaps while we continue to grow!