Post by soho on Aug 14, 2020 7:01:03 GMT
Thanks both!
alexandra I believe you’re right about e.g. the emotional maturity that stopped developing at a certain age, but still, I find it difficult to talk in “absolutisms”. In every aspect of life and of each other, there are so many layers. When I read about narcissism I miss a kind of granularity. Maybe indeed, narcissism overrules everything, but still.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this yet, but one of the reasons we have difficulties to stop this marriage is because we still love each other. Though maybe this love may just be driven by our AP and DA foundations.
Furthermore I find it difficult to hear that much negativism from my wife. She is clearly suffering, but since she doesn’t want to seek help (she actually went to a couple of therapists but found them stupid) I don’t want to make myself redundant and to only be there for her without any return for me.
Btw: about something you mentioned earlier, that my wife would always tweak around “agreements”. Yesterday we had a discussion. I need intimacy in our relationship, she wants better conversations and more content. We kind of agreed on this. So I asked my wife to spend quality time together. First I would listen to her, then we would make love. She didn’t answer since she was binge watching a series. Fine. But I still wanted my intimacy. When I started cuddling her she rejected me, telling that I anyway have had more of my needs being satisfied than hers. In the end she was OK to have sex, but only as fast as possible. She then said that she wanted me to do everything needed so that she would fall in love with me again. What would that mean? That I would unconditionally have to to everything she wants? I don’t want to do that anymore. Been there, done that. (Though, if there would be easy fixes on my side, or guarantees that things would work out, I would be willing to adapt. And I have no problem to admit my shortcomings in our relationship.) So I cancelled the “deal”. In the end of the discussion we concluded that the relationship is over. But again, in a way, we still need each other, so none of us feels happy about this. As said, this is probably just because of our AP and DA needs.
AM Thanks for sharing this message. It’s indeed good and important to show our kids what a good marriage is. This is more important than staying together. I’ll bear that in mind.
alexandra I believe you’re right about e.g. the emotional maturity that stopped developing at a certain age, but still, I find it difficult to talk in “absolutisms”. In every aspect of life and of each other, there are so many layers. When I read about narcissism I miss a kind of granularity. Maybe indeed, narcissism overrules everything, but still.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this yet, but one of the reasons we have difficulties to stop this marriage is because we still love each other. Though maybe this love may just be driven by our AP and DA foundations.
Furthermore I find it difficult to hear that much negativism from my wife. She is clearly suffering, but since she doesn’t want to seek help (she actually went to a couple of therapists but found them stupid) I don’t want to make myself redundant and to only be there for her without any return for me.
Btw: about something you mentioned earlier, that my wife would always tweak around “agreements”. Yesterday we had a discussion. I need intimacy in our relationship, she wants better conversations and more content. We kind of agreed on this. So I asked my wife to spend quality time together. First I would listen to her, then we would make love. She didn’t answer since she was binge watching a series. Fine. But I still wanted my intimacy. When I started cuddling her she rejected me, telling that I anyway have had more of my needs being satisfied than hers. In the end she was OK to have sex, but only as fast as possible. She then said that she wanted me to do everything needed so that she would fall in love with me again. What would that mean? That I would unconditionally have to to everything she wants? I don’t want to do that anymore. Been there, done that. (Though, if there would be easy fixes on my side, or guarantees that things would work out, I would be willing to adapt. And I have no problem to admit my shortcomings in our relationship.) So I cancelled the “deal”. In the end of the discussion we concluded that the relationship is over. But again, in a way, we still need each other, so none of us feels happy about this. As said, this is probably just because of our AP and DA needs.
AM Thanks for sharing this message. It’s indeed good and important to show our kids what a good marriage is. This is more important than staying together. I’ll bear that in mind.
